256 thoughts on “Deal Breakers: Advice to Unmarried Women (and Daughters)”

1. Excellent article. Wish I had this information 28 years ago. Would have saved a lot of heartache, tears, broken dreams and injuries. At least I’m out now. I hope this gets read world wide.

2. Do you feel if you were a better person, he’d not get mad at you?

   Do you feel worthless and lucky to have him?

   The emotional abuse comes way before the physical. He love bombs you and overwhelms you. Then the little digs start coming. Are you going to wear that? It makes you look fat.

   The little bits of control start coming. You should read this, drink this, be where I can find you.

   This is all conditioning, so when the beatings finally start, you are already under his control and keep thinking ‘i make him mad, its my fault.

   so look for the emotional stuff first. And don’t be in a hurry to get married or move in. Date for at least two years. They can’t keep up the charade forever before showing themselves.

3. Both Focus on the Family and Family Life have had excellent programs on abusive men. They need to be heard by every young woman and her parents. One of the main characteristics about these men is that their church leaders and friends think they are just the most wonderful person on earth. They lead double lives! They are also in a hurry to get the girl to marry. They are very high pressure.

4. Natalie, I did a series of stories on women who have experienced abusive relationships. One was a dating/engaged relationship. You can find it here – “Lynn’s Story: A Dangerous Engagement” – http://watchtheshepherd.blogspot.com/2014/08/lynns-story-dangerous-engagement-dv.html
   There are several links about dysfunctional dating at the bottom of the article.

   Some of the symptoms that Lynn mentioned included erratic driving habits, showing poor control of finances, threatening suicide, visiting strip clubs to “evangelize” the women, claiming spiritual leadership (masking a need to control), and raging behavior even if it didn’t result in physical violence. She also noted that others had tried to intervene, seeing unhealthy patterns in the relationship. She credits one of them with helping her realize that she shouldn’t be treated that way.

   Thanks for posting your article.

   Virginia

5. I’m amazed at how you were able to articulate everything I experienced for 5 yrs. and then add in alcoholism and a plethora of mental illnesses. You described my ex husband to a t. He lived and I endured 99% of what you described. As soon as the honey moon I knew things were not right. But I could never really describe what the problem was, at least until it was physically obvious… I tolerated all kinds of abuse. But the moment he hit me was the moment it was over. I’m so thankful that I now can recognize an abusive relationship. I also recognize that I have value, with out a man by my side. Thank you for this. God intended this article for me. Of all nights, I read it tonight, when I needed it most.

   • I’m so glad you found it. God loves you to pieces.

6. These are good points, but I do wonder if, as a result of living in a society that is fairly misogynist, abusive relationships in any form are abundant. Yes, I’m a feminist, but no, I don’t want to control men. I just see women being silenced in almost every aspect of society, including the church, so why wouldn’t that same manipulation and desire for control be prevalent in romantic relationships as well? Not that I don’t want a romantic relationship. I do. I was actually in a dating relationship at one point a few years ago, and the guy was nice and said he was a Christian, but I could see what I thought were red flags in the relationship. In my opinion, the way a man treats other women, especially women in his family(because he doesn’t have to win them over), is the way he will eventually treat you once he feels he’s won you over, and this guy was constantly starting fights with his sister and saying she started it and talking badly about his mother behind her back, and he constantly cancelled dates with me to go out gaming with his friends. On a couple of occasions I decided to join him to see if it was something I would like doing with him, but then he and his friends told me I couldn’t talk about anything other than the game when I played with them. So I left, and they got upset with me. As someone who had an abusive father, I have no desire to be in an abusive relationship. So I got out of that relationship, but sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I had stayed with him. I’m still single, and he’s engaged now, so sometimes I wonder if I was the one who messed up.

   • Oh my – no. You were wise to get out of that relationship. He was obviously on the throne of his life. Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope you will find a healthy man to share life with someday. But even if you don’t – you are complete and whole just as you are. You are strong, wise, and you have what it takes to navigate life from a place of dignity. If you have Jesus Christ at the core of your being, you will fulfill ALL of His purposes for your life – and they are GOOD ONES regardless of your marital status.

     • Thanks! By the way, it brings me joy to read some of these comments on here, as well as this post, and realize that there are Christian women who understand what feminism truly is. So many people assume it means man hating, and it doesn’t. I’m so glad to see Christians who want real equality for both sexes

       • Yes! I agree, Kari! It’s very encouraging to see that there are other Christian feminists out there. I also want to encourage you that there are feminist men out there too who are learning to recognize the overt and subtle impact their cultural conditioning has had on them and affected how they treat women and are working to overcome it. There is hope for change and to find someone who can truly be a respectful and loving partner in life!

7. Just wanted to say thank you for this post.

   • You’re welcome, Deborah. Thank you for connecting here.

8. Completely spot-on. Wish I’d had this 17 years ago.

9. What a great read! I was in one of “those” myself. I was too young to really pick up on the signs and I don’t know that we were together long enough before getting married for the real signs to even come out. I would definitely say pay attention to their family. My ex’s father was a sexist, racist, abusive man. He had no problem putting people down and his history was horrible. The day after we were married my ex turned into his father and the verbal abuse went on for 3 years until the day he turned physical. That was the same day I left. I never let his verbal stuff get to me because I knew he was full of himself so it was real easy to leave. But looking back, I should have taken a closer look at the man his father was. That’s where he learned how to be a man.

10. Excellent article. Do you have scripture for this. I like and need lots of scripture. (We all do) My daughter just separated from a man who has been very verbally and emotionally abusive for 11 years. She is getting lots of grief from some other members in her church. I believe they are wrong but I cannot prove that she is doing what is needed by using scripture. I believe she has the right to remove herself from this situation but I need scripture to help keep the law abiding goodie 2 shoes off of her back. She actually sent me this article so she also is searching for answers. I am appalled at how much abuse there is in marriages. How stupid and ridiculous are people to think that they “own” someone and that they have the right to abuse them. I can testify that my wife and I have been married for 36 years this March and although we have had our share of troubles, which is promised in the Bible, we’ve never been abusive to one another. Thank you so much for posting this.

    • The book of Proverbs is full of references to abusive, unrepentant people. God calls them fools. If you go to the Cry for Justice blog – they have loads of resources and tons of Scripture to back up what you are finding. Glad you found this, Mel. My heart goes out to your daughter.

    • Hi Mel,
      I have been thinking about this a lot as I was once in quite a legalistic church and can imagine how your daughter must find this so difficult.
      Thankfully, I have a real revelation from Christ of His grace.
      The thing is, for most people in church who would disagree with a woman leaving her husband, they can not understand that grace.
      I have 2 passages that may help.
      And as someone who learned the 9 rules of interpretation as used by lawyers and theologians,
      I know that scripture has to be read in context.

      Psalm 55, especially vs 12 & 21, but also bear in mind what the passage says about this type of enemy – God is condemning them. Why would He want a loving woman to stay?
      Also, 1 Peter 3 – especially good as it is talking about husbands and wives. Now, just because our bible breaks up a passage in a certain spot does not mean that is no longer part of the context. vs 8-12 is just as important as the previous ones.

      I hope that helps, and I will continue to pray for your daughter, that Christ will lead her, and that He will bless her with friends that do understand His grace.

      • 1 Corinthians 7 says in verses 10 and 11, ” To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.”
        There are some circumstances that do not fit in a conservative church’s divorce policies and yet separation and living alone is preferred by the Christian woman.
        My husband and I received counsel within the church after my husband was adulterous. He had been verbally abusive for years. We gratefully reconciled. After years, he was discovered guilty again, we counseled, got back together again. He regressed back to isolation, anger and his use of porn. I told him I could not bear his use of porn. I felt rejected still, insulted; very alone in the bed we shared. Soon he was communicating with porn sites.
        It was hard for my church leadership to watch me separate from him without another episode of physical adultery, but I preferred a life without any man to the painful, isolating, non-relating-ship we had. I also know I exhausted every avenue, by God’s grace, to stay in the marriage for decades seeking unity, restoration.
        1 Corinthians 7:15 says,”You are called to peace.” Peace was not descriptive of our home, I dreaded his return wondering what I would be criticized for, who he would be? Would he be silently stewing, angry and loud, civil and tolerant, would he curse me, my Jesus, one of the children, or be quiet, sad, whispering hatred of himself, would he be glad to see us?
        I have peace now as a divorced unavailable woman under the grace of Christ’s husbandry. I cannot confidently recommend my actions to anyone else but I would definitely never recommend the marriage I had. I was so lonely, so rejected next to my husband in our bed that being alone in my current bed, I am grateful for absence of bitterness, rejection and hatred. Jesus and I like me and accept me. I go to bed alone with me and Jesus; content, cheerful and grateful.

        • Thank you for sharing a part of your testimony of God’s faithfulness to you. It was a blessing to read.

        • Single is fine – thank you so much for sharing that. I am trying to think of just the right words to share with you how helpful that is to me.
          Not because I have ever divorced or want to but because so many church-goers either seem to condemn women who leave their husband for such issues or the opposite, tell them to just leave – you can find someone else.
          But it is close to home as well because my believing mother not only divorced my father, but then her next husband as well, because she did not like them.
          So, it is very refreshing to hear your testimony of honouring Christ’s word.
          Thank you so much.

    • Dear Mel,
      This is a sermon from a Baptist minister in Ohio named Craig Miller. It is the single-most well-researched and clearly stated explanation I have ever come across of what Jesus meant marriage to be, the limitations on mistreatment within it, the necessity of divorce to protect his beloved daughters, and clarification on what he and the other New Testament writers intended when they spoke on divorce in the context of the speaking.
      Looking at the whole of scripture, it becomes clear that God’s heart of love does not hit a brick wall and turn hard against his daughters where abuse is concerned. Abuse is SO FAR from his intention in marriage that it’s unlikely God or the writers inspired by his Spirit ever felt the need to spell it out as clearly as we have come to think today (by justifying abuse for so long) we need to hear.
      Follow this link, the go to February 24, 2013, “When Marriage Isn’t Forever” for the sermon. It is excellent and thorough.
      http://www.gracecedarville.org/sermonarchive

      • This sermon is excellent. Thank you so much for sharing it here.

11. I have to say that your website has been such a huge blessing to me since I found it last week! I am freshly out of an abusive marriage of 15 years. The above warning signs are all excellent, but the covert-aggression….THAT one hit home the hardest. For years & years, there was always something that I just couldn’t put my finger on, and so, I felt I was just imagining things. It was me. I wasn’t loving him enough. I wasn’t dying to self enough. I even took it as far as to take pride in my “submissive wife” role, knowing that God would honor my sacrifices…but it just made me a party to allowing the abuse to run rampant in my home. And now my children are suffering. I sent this article to my almost 15 year old daughter, whom I see behaves much like she saw me behave. And it breaks my heart. Thank you for your voice in this wilderness. We need women like you to speak up. Maybe we will be able to join you someday. Until then, we can share what you have to say. God bless!

    • I’m glad you found my site. I can personally relate to everything you have been through.

12. I know some will not like this, and in no way do I want to lighten the seriousness of abuse. In fact, I say it in order to highlight the seriousness of it…
    There are many women who abuse their husbands, too. I have met abused husbands (and my husband and I have supported some in there bid to get out). It’s often not physical (yet that DOES happens), but covers all the areas addressed above. What’s important is that we all understand that we need to support women AND men as they get out of abusive marriages. The church often marginalizes divorced men and women, and somehow puts them in the category of ‘disqualified from Grace and Mercy’… and bible studies and ministry…
    This is a great article! I did a little check of my own heart and communication style as I read it. A little sting on at least one point.

    • Yes, what you are saying is absolutely true; however, this particular article was written to help women dealing with abuse. Perhaps a different article elsewhere focuses on the other issue. The reason that some may not like what you want to bring into the conversation is because many of these women are dealing with PSTD – and have been emotionally traumatized for years. This isn’t the right conversation – and the subject you want to introduce isn’t a safe one for this particular audience due to the fact that abusive men almost always play the “I’m abused” card and heap shame and blame on the female abuse target, keeping them deeply confused and stuck. I hope that makes sense.

      • Let me add that your point about the wrongness of how the church marginalizes divorced men and women is an important one. I also want to be clear that I agree with you 100% that, regardless of gender, it is crucial for abuse targets to get help and find safety and healing.

    • I understand that your intentions in posting this are probably good, but I would caution against posting about abusive wives/girlfriends on articles and videos that are designed to support abused wives/girlfriends because most of the time that line of thinking is used as a way to tell women to be quiet about their experiences or to say “Well, women do it too, so there!”, and, intentionally or unintentionally, it marginalizes the pervasive problem in our society that men need to control their women. That’s not to say that abused men shouldn’t get help or that they shouldn’t talk about their experiences in their own space or in a collective space, and that would be a much more appropriate and effective venue than using spaces that are designed specifically to help women.

13. To add to my first comment, staying in an abusive relationship is never beneficial if you have children because oftentimes he(or she) is abusing them too. My dad was abusive, and I don’t think we recognized it as abuse and neglect per se because that was the only method of discipline and fatherly relationship that we knew, but we wanted out of the home. At one point, two of my brothers and I threatened to call CPS on our parents. The effects of being raised in a home like that are still with me today. I am healing, but it’s a long process. I’ve had times(less and less now) where I would suddenly imagine my dad finding me and hurting me. I’ve seen one of my brothers become like my dad in his marriage, and that marriage didn’t last.

14. I was in an abusive relationship before I started dating the man I am now married to. At the time I did not realize it was an abusive relationship. Then I got out and looking back I realized, that’s exactly what I was in. At the time, this is what I saw:

    1) He was a Christan man and went to church.
    2) He was well educated and had a well paying job
    3) He liked to hang out with his family
    4) We had some mutual friends
    5) He was everything I thought I loved, tall, good looking, good sense of humor, could provide for me financially, etc.

    However, in the relationship things didn’t go well.
    1) He would either ask me to pay for things we did together or he would complain if it cost too much or was too far of a drive.
    2) When we got into a fight it was always my fault. He would always somehow make it out to be my fault.
    3) He could not deal with criticism. He said it was people judging him and he didn’t need that.
    4) He did not like my family and refused to spend time with them.
    5) He had me driving to his side of town. He did not want to pick me up stating it would waste too much time.
    6) When we were together we did what he wanted to do. Otherwise, I could just not come around.
    7) He told me I was emotionally unstable and said I needed to go on medication to remedy that.
    8) Brought up a past mistake I had made and said, “I forgave you for ______”. He was trying to chalk it up like, what a great guy he was.
    9) He refused to spend a lot of money on me saying we weren’t married. Why would he spend a lot of money?
    10) When I was sick, he didn’t want me around. He said I would only get him sick.
    11) If I was having a bad day, he didn’t want me around. I would ruin the mood/day for him.
    12) At one point I told him he was being a jerk and he replied with an extremely angry, dark look, and in a very hard, cold voice told me to get out of his house. That no one called him a jerk in his home.
    13) If we got into a fight before church and, as a result were late, it was all my fault.
    14) If we got into a fight on the way to church, he would turn the car around stating he would not go to church with me if we were going to fight.

    I could go on… needless to say, my parents were very concerned, my best friend was very concerned, and in my heart, I knew something was wrong. My mom finally said, “Do you feel you need to go on medication any other time than when you are with him?” I said, “No” and she said, “think about that. Why is it the only way you feel that way is when you are with him?”

    I finally told him I couldn’t do it anymore and he got very angry with me. He later said it was all my fault that things went bad and didn’t work out between us.

    All I can say is, ladies, if you are in a relationship and something doesn’t feel right, you are always feeling like everything is your fault, and people who know you well are seeing things you may not be, take note and get out if you see any red flags.

15. Thank you for all this information and insight! It’s obvious by the many hurting people responding that this is a “hot topic”, one that the Christian community either doesn’t want or know how to deal with. I’ll be sharing this with many women…

16. My husband embodied ALL of these… I’ve had to file a protection order to protect me and our 4 week old son. Ive endure his accusations and lies all while he is living with his girlfriend. I’m heart broken and torn. Thank God for HIS amazing love!!! I don’t know why this is happening. Why the man I loved would do these things. It’s been a month now and the healing is slow. Thank you for this article! For helping me get through. For so long I have felt crazy!

    • You are not crazy Emilie! I am praying for you this morning.

17. Does he exhibit signs of anything you’d consider mental or emotional instability?

    Does he harbor deep suspicions of other people, society, government that fall outside reasonable norms?

    Does he harbor romantic ideas about life after the fall of society, and talk about how it would be ‘better’?

    Does he harbor romantic ideas about living without basic First World amenities? Does he excuse broken/inoperable plumbing and basic house systems as ‘not needed anyway’?

    Does he in any way express sexual attitudes that indicate women are sexual servants or property of their husbands? Is sex ‘one sided’ in the sense it is all about his pleasure and gratification? Do you hear “but I have -needs-“? Does it seem that everything comes down to when you plan to give him sex next? Run when you find these guys.

    Does he use porn? How often? How does he explain himself? A man who excuses himself without discussion is should be walked away from.

    Does he encourage you to seek medical care when appropriate, or does he seem to have issues with visiting a physician, having insurance?

    Any man who threatens to cut the hair of a woman without her consent and participation is one willing to commit physical violence to get what he wants.

18. Clue into the way he talks about his ex-girlfriends or just friends in general (ESPECIALLY if he seems to only has girl gender-ed friends!!!!) RED FLAG.
    When I was just getting to know my ex, he talked about how he would break up with a girl, just for having to short of fingernails, or her hair wasn’t thick enough, she was too short or too tall, or she “had just a little too much weight”. These are grooming tactics to see if “it will offend you enough” to stay or make you run. RUN
    Also, if they tend to only hang out with girls (not in all cases) and kind of cower around their own gender…My ex actually hid behind a clothes rack the first time he met my brother. My personal belief is that guys, like girls, can see through there genders visage and he didn’t want his true character to be seen…

19. So what do you do when you find out this is what happened and is you?

    • I’m so sorry, Amanda. It can be a shock when you first realize that what you are experiencing has a name. Abuse. A good first step is just to learn as much as you can about your reality. It can take a long time to believe and accept. There are many resources on this blog – links even in this comment thread. Check out some of the books others have recommended. Contact me via my contact page if you’d like to tell me more about your story. I’d love to hear from you!

20. Is it ok if I print this off? I’d really like to keep this for my daughters as they reach the age of dating and courtship?

    • Absolutely!

21. another big red flag on the “abuser alert” board – are they in a rush. A move from first date to exclusive, to marry me is fast, days, a few weeks, a few months at most. If they can’t wait to make you theirs, that is a big red STOP sign for you.

    • Oh how true! Even if they’re willing to wait until you’re ready. If he “knows” within days of meeting you, he’s really likely to be the wrong guy. Or, in my case, the wrong guy-waiting-to-become-a gal. If your gut says something’s off, go with your gut!

      • Oh dear…

22. I read this list and my goodness was I ever quick to judge my husband. Yes, he has been many of these things early on in our relationship. And then I looked back at myself, and there was the big red ‘A’ staring me in the face. I too was manipulative, destructive, controlling and put myself first. I was negative and downright nasty to my husband. Maybe we fed off of our horrid ways and it just exacerbated the situation. I do know that when I finally decided to put my husband first and stretch out the arm of respect (very reluctantly, it was pulling teeth to be quite honest) he changed. I changed. Just because somebody has flaws, doesn’t make them a bad person. I do also want to note that you are just putting men into this category. I know many woman, girlfriends, wives who fit the bill for many if not all of these things and their poor husbands/partners have to suffer in silence like many women do because of fear and shame. Men are abused as well and I hope you note that in your next article.

    • I don’t write articles because people say I should. If you want an article written about how women abuse men – feel free to write one – it sounds like you have some experience with that. This article on this blog is about men abusing women, and I didn’t write it for you (abusive people think the world revolves around them). I wrote it for the women who needed to read it.

      • I love how your comment towards me is marked with contempt. Not very Jesus like if you ask me. Continue your witch hunt. I will pray for you. So sad.

        • Thank you for your prayers, Lisa. I’m sure I can count on those.

23. Thank you so much for this post. I’m in tears. This was my life, and I JUST got out. I was married to a seemingly wonderful man. Everything was wonderful until we had our baby, though honestly, looking back, I chose to overlook all the signs. After the baby was born, and he was no longer the sole focus of my attention, most of these behaviors came out full force. We were in the classic abuse cycle. He would get mad, say and do things that were designed to cut me down and control me, apologize, be sweet for a while. And repeat. When I finally admitted to myself that I had let myself get into an abusive marriage, I knew it had to stop because there was no way I was letting my sweet baby grow up the way I had been living. I filed for divorce and have been living back at my parents for 2 weeks now. No one seems to understand why I got out. He forced me to go to marriage counseling once I filed (I begged for it for months before that) so that he could act like it was my fault that the marriage failed, and even the counselor acted like it was no big deal because I wasn’t getting hit. My own sister told me that I hadn’t done enough to save my marriage, and my daddy told me I needed to stay for the sake of my child (he later learned more details and changed his mind). I wish I’d been more observant and more willing to see signs before we had our son. While I will never regret having him, I do regret that he has to be subjected to a father like that.

    • Dear Savannah, my heart goes out to you. You are in fresh, raw pain. It is even more painful when people don’t understand and are not supportive. You are doing what is best for you and your son. God will be your husband – and a father to your child. He is enough. His love is great. I pray you will feel His peace on your spirit as you recover and heal from your destructive marriage.

      For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

    • Dear Savannah, it’s hard to understand or even analyze when you’re right in the middle of such things. Those “signs” come in on tiptoe and often it’s only in retrospect and with expert help can we understand how these things work. As Natalie speaks of the blindness or misunderstanding a fair amount of “normal” church folk have a hard time believing it. The police know for sure. The domestic violence calls are the most dangerous of all the 911 calls. It’s just great to hear your father came around! It wasn’t something the average American lived w/ but now it’s different. I’m so sorry, Savannah. But I’m so happy you do have “home” and family to be there for you and your son. God bless you Savannah. A professional advocate can help with taking the ugly words out of our “job description” as well as the blame and shame. Those do not belong to us. Take care & hope you find the world a better place than it would be without the knowledge you now have. May God and time grant you the ability to “mother” other mothers who don’t know what’s happening either. You sound like a mother that every child would want to be close to… Bless you all.. stay safe…

24. This is a great forum. I am a living victim. Was married to a very abusive man for 7 years. Yes – sharp on the outside but otherwise sick – sick- sick! In this state domestic violence is a misdemeanor for the 1st two convictions and a felony for the third. It was a nightmare & yes – PTSD is what it left me. (Oh – he was a no-show for the 3rd court case. The judge had the DA call me after leaving court and he was furious. She had an all-points-bulletin out on him. Two days later he committed suicide w/ a 45 mg. pistol.)
    By the time of that last incident I’d lost 1/3 of my body weight (starvation), could barely walk, it was December and I was taken to an abuse shelter in another county. I didn’t speak or remove my overcoat for a week. Sorry – it’s a long story…
    The most recent statistic I saw was that 1 in 4 women are being abused. That is very scary. It’s so important to talk about these things without being ashamed. It isn’t good to keep all the bad memories stuck inside yourself. No one is perfect – but a molester? They are very sick and oh so dangerous.
    Once I started talking there has been no end of it!
    The DV shelter I was at was wonderful. The shelters are under strict government rules and all the staff have to be certified abuse advocates. That’s were the ugly “scripts” of repeating what the abuser plants in us through repetition is dealt with by these great folks beautifully. It’s the right thing to do. They also planned events – Christmas parties, church basement get together dinners with lots of other survivors and all of it is good. Getting back to life!
    Much love and blessings to us all

    • Oh Ruth. I am so sorry for all that you have been through – and so thankful that you are healing. What is frustrating for me is seeing how the church, in general, kicks women when they are down. The “world” is more compassionate and better equipped and trained to deal with abuse. It shouldn’t be this way, but it is. Thank God that He works through all kinds of means to get His children the help they need. Thank you for sharing a part of your story. You are a courageous woman!!

      • Thank you Natalie – but I sure had a lot to explain! It’s the best example I have about why God allows us to go through the fires. I firmly believe He has 2 purposes. One is to refine us, teach us something, put us through the melting pot & come out finer – and the other is to bring us closer to Him. I know what you mean – the things abusers accuse us of is that we caused it – people do seem to lean more in the abuser’s story than the victims. Yet the people who knew me (except for my sister) didn’t know until later. I have often wondered why my sister didn’t intervene. She’d been at the hospital for concussions, lacerations, and 1 suicide attempt. Doesn’t seem like we need to have a reputation like Carey Nation had but it’s hard to look back & wonder – what would Sis have done if someone else hadn’t rescued me. I’d wake up in the ER and there she was, crying & caring. Would check out and she’d drive me home. That’s scary sure enough. But it’s OK! Appreciate your kind words. Kindness works here all the time! Best wishes to all your correspondents. Abuse in your own home… it is mind boggling. I pray everyone will take heed of the PD advise… get that emergency bag packed & hidden! I pray all will be safe. Thank you again.

25. There is one thing on this list that is at least in the top 5 questions [I think #1] that should be answered before a trip down the aisle: Do you agree spiritually? Another way of saying it is, do you have the same religious views? One of the most tragic things I see is women whose husbands do not agree with their spiritual views and cannot share devotional time and fellowship with others. Usually the man demands a specific denominational church or he ‘allows’ his wife a few hours a week to go to church or Bible study but to ‘be on the same page’ isn’t even considered. He thinks her stupid or weak for having a relationship with her Savior and many times is downright jealous and either forbids it or put a time limit on it. It winds up completely dividing them on all levels, spirit, soul and body. Ladies, if you don’t agree spiritually from the start, do yourself a life-long favor and find someone else.

    • Unfortunately for many in Christian marriages, the “religious views” match up perfectly.

26. Natalie, thanks so much for this post. My wife and I are watching a dear friend march headlong into marriage with a guy exactly like the one described. It seems that she’s made up her mind to marry him, regardless of the repeated entreaties of her friends and family. We’re going to do our best to be there for her when the wheels eventually come off.
    One question I’m wrestling with is how to speak truth into the life of this guy. He exhibits the exact arrogance and manipulation described, but when you call him out on it, he denies denies denies. Do you have any strategies or resources for helping him to see the harm he’s causing, and pointing him in a more healthy direction? Thanks!

    • I haven’t seen anyone find success in changing what the Bible calls a “fool.” You can help and point all you want. They don’t want to listen. They don’t “hear” reproof. There’s not much you can do with someone who isn’t interested in growing. (See my article series about fools on the sidebar of this blog.) Proverbs gives instruction for the rest of us when we come in close proximity with a fool. The book Foolproofing Your Life by Jan Silvious is a practical guide for this purpose as well. In a nutshell – feed a fool with a long handled spoon. Hard to do that when you are married to one.

      Have your friend read this article along with the dozens of comments from women who wish they could do it all over again. Life with a fool (abuser) is hell. It is hard to see someone heading for a cliff.

    • Rob, speaking as a woman married to one of “these” for 28 years and just now coming out of the fog, I will tell you that the strategy of “trying to speak truth” into this guys life will not work. This is not about him “not knowing or understanding” and “if he just KNEW what he was doing he would stop.” This is about control. That’s how they operate. I begged, pleaded, cried, wrote letters, had others tell him, our kids finally started to speak up, his brothers told him for 3 decades to no avail. Giving HER as much information as she is willing to accept would be a more productive strategy as her wising up and seeing truth as soon as possible and giving real consequences and/or leaving, thereby causing him pain and discomfort, is the only way (and most of the time even THAT doesn’t stop the train from derailing) this guy may change his ways. The longer she stays, add a couple of kids and some financial ties, and it becomes all the more difficult to escape. She IS more fortunate than most of us as she already has a knowledgable advocate (you) who will be there for her whatever the future may hold. Don’t be discouraged or give up on her if she doesn’t “see” it fast enough and makes choices you know will be unwise. God has taught me a LOT and grown me a LOT in ways I never would have had I not gone through this crucible so pray for her, educate her, be there for her, protect her from “Christian counselors” who have no clue about abuse and will probably try to talk her into staying and “working on her marriage,” (that’s what kept ME in bondage for years) help her leave if and when she is ready, and leave the end results to God. I wish I had had a YOU in my life years ago.

27. Just wanted you to know that I am praying for you. Thanks for this important info..

28. Thank you! This pretty much describes my father. He has anger issues; I haven’t seen him in years. I had to set up a boundary, which he tried to get through, but was easy to stick to, since I was grown and gone now. Another question to add: What kind of home did they come from? In addition to not talking about his childhood, my grandmother had a severe brain injury when my dad was young, which I believe altered a lot of her personality. I have no idea if this is fact or not. I know when I found my first serious boyfriend, I found someone just like him and fortunately, God opened my eyes! My youngest sister, however, I’m afraid she married someone too similar. She is now isolated from us, at least distance wise. Throws herself into her work. His family…..is a mess. Again, warning signs!

29. I think you have some valid points but if you jump at evry bullet point and break the deal you might as well not get married at all. We are humen and I have failed many times in many of your points. Also many of your points can be warnings for the man. Verbal abusive, physical abuse (a woman can get by with physical abuse to her husband but a man must never ever be) a woman can also be disrespectful, controlling, manipulative, and the list goes on. If a woman demands all your bullet points with no room for error what kind of woman will she be ? Matriarchal ? What does the Bible say about Husband, wife relationships ? I read this artical twice and it hurts seeing there is no room for error , correction, forgivness and growth. I love my wife of 30 years. I have failed many, many times in many of your points. I still love her and she claims (and I believe) to love me. Sometimes I tkink she dosn’t but I really know the bottom line. My wife also has many curves and all her edges all her perfect imperfections. Im abit concerned that you reflect that it is very much a problem amongst christian couples and it appears to be the mans fault. Am I reading this artical wrong ? I am sorry if I missed it. And forgive me. I really want to see a balance for both sides.

    • 1. You totally missed it.
      2. Your comment is self-focused and self-pitying (often a dead giveaway for an abuser – just FYI in case you want to be more clever at disguising yourself in the future.)
      3. It’s lovely that you WANT to see a balance, but too bad that you don’t, and probably never will. See #2.
      4. To the rest of you reading, can you spot the other abuser tactics in this comment?

      • Ah, putting it all back on you and the fact that women can be all the points he listed.

    • I don’t have a lot of time but I did want to put this to you. This is how I finally started viewing this whole “I’m only human. I ‘m not perfect so does that mean I’m an abuser? You do these things, too.” that was always thrown in my face the moment I brought up the inappropriateness (bizarreness?) of his actions. So I started asking him, “Do you wake up every morning afraid of what I am going to do and say? Do you walk around the house watching your step, never knowing when I am going to attack you verbally? NO? Well, that’s how me and our kids have lived for all these years.” This isnt about “do you ever screw up?” We all do. This is about continuous, unrepentant destructive behaviors. These “signs” are a good indicator that you may be in for a train derailment somewhere down the road. This is about making a wise choice BEFORE we have made a commitment and brought kids in to the picture. You seem very defensive. I read this and I dont feel defensive at all even though I have, on occasion, done some of these, too. Women CAN, of course, be abusive. Nobody is denying that. But this site is for women who have lived through hell. You may find a more sympathetic ear at joejpote.com who has lived through an abusive marriage and shares a lot of wisdom.

      • I love this.

    • Hi Roger,
      I just want to point out the title – Advice to unmarried women.
      As Natalie is a Christian, she is not likely to agree with same sex marriage.
      That leaves one alternative – to tell women what to watch out for in men.
      That is what the article is about.
      And when I read it, I read the part that said not everyone who is an abuser will necessarily have all these issues.
      And I read being pleased that my husband has none of the traits listed -no, none, I have just checked again to be sure, although I was. And he has none because he is not an abuser.

    • The fact is, we live in a patriarchal society, and it’s hard for that to not seep into the church. In fact, it can be most prevalent in the church, but so many people don’t want to see that. Yes, we know that women can be abusive, but men are taught to be aggressive and control women, so it is more likely for men to be abusive.

30. Hi Roger,
    Your comment is almost word-for-word what my husband would say, has said, except we’ve been married for 6 years, not 30. Six years too many. I want to point out that abusive men frequently say their women are disrespectful, controlling, and manipulative. It’s part of their inability to take responsibility for their own behavior. It’s blame-shifting and denial. My husband (recently separated) will see the fact that I blocked him from calling and texting my cell phone, as well as blocking his emails as me being controlling, not because I’m trying to shield myself from further abuse. He considers me cold and unloving because I withdrew into a shell because I couldn’t say or do anything right. Do you see where I’m going with this? Being the “good” Christian wife, I allowed him to set the tone for our marriage and it had a devastating effect. I filed for divorce a few weeks ago. He didn’t see it coming. He honestly thinks he was a good husband. I sure hope that doesn’t happen to you.

    • I’m kinda hoping it DOES. (Dearie me, did I just write that out loud?)

    • For a long time I was angry that my ex insisted to everyone I had just walked out without any attempt to communicate and fix things (never mind that he resisted counseling for over a decade because they always called him out on his behavior), but after a few years I’m beginning to see that he really was surprised. My defending myself really was seen as aggression, and my emotional separation as a shocking betrayal of the highest order. He was projecting his own attitudes and behaviors onto me. Truly, he lives on another planet. Sometimes he is fully aware that he chose evil, and sometimes he is completely bewildered by it all.

      • What I hope for him is to know, express, and do authentic truth and love, preferably before it is too late. If a man can do that, even if it requires hard work and a radical change of paradigm and behavior, it is good for all. Trolling your post like this certainly doesn’t help his relational portfolio.

        • Sorry, that was meant as a reply to Natalie’s comment.
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32. The first list, beginning with “super-de-duper nice, like Barney” didn’t fit the guy I was dating – and later married – at all. He was nice, but not charming, not very religious, not confident…but rather needy, nerdy, forgetful, socially awkward. If all I had to go by was the first list, I would never see him as abusive. But the rest of the list – oh my! If I could have gone through that list before we married, I maybe would have seen the truth. As it is, I’ve been in an abusive relationship for 35 years. Thankfully, my eyes have been slowly opened over the last 5-10 years, and now I know.

33. I have a wonderful marriage, 41 years. Our children were encouraged to grow up to be confident in their decisions. Our daughter became a nurse and moved to another state. She met a man at a Christian singles retreat, we only saw him a handful of times before they became engaged. We didn’t know his family. After their first child was born we noticed a debate change in him and ask for the worst. He was jealous of the baby and would disappear for hours without even saying he was leaving. They live in another state so we don’t see than often. They had a second child and shortly after that she called us, he had beaten her and would not let her go. She managed to get away and called the authorities. He said sorry etc so she allowed him back into his life. She left again and came to stay with us but refused to talk about leaving him. I know he is abusing her and the kids, if not physically, I have seen marks on the kids backs, then for sure emotionally. I chi not believe she should stay with him. I know she can raise the kids alone with the sort of her family. He is getting worse in my opinion, he comes from a dysfunctional family and I think he has emotional problems maybe even something like bipolar disorder. Had can put on a good front for a short time but sometimes doesn’t make even an effort. How can I help my daughter? It breaks my heart that she and the boys live like this.

    • It’s tricky because legally there isn’t much you can do. She has to get to a place where she chooses to take legal action and/or leave for good. Can she browse on the Internet without being discovered? If you think it is safe, I would send her links to places like A Cry for Justice and Leslie Vernick’s blog.

      I am so sorry. This is truly heart-wrenching.

34. This is the most important factor that will allow you to see clearly character traits in others: —->Where are you at? Are you desperate to get married? Do you feel unworthy of a good man? Unworthy of love? If so, you may be an abuser magnet. Get personally healthy (this doesn’t mean “get perfect.”) You ARE worthy of love, and you ARE worth a good man. Don’t settle for an abuser just to be able to say you belong to someone. You are not chattel. You are a treasure. You are a beloved child of the King. Raise your head, and don’t accept anything less than a good (not perfect – but humble), honest, healthy man.

    If you don’t know your self worth and know that you are worthwhile, you will convince yourself to settle for anything.
    Now this list is kind of scary in that as humans some of us may exhibit some of these traits at different times. However if there is a pattern of constant red flags, I do think you should not ignore them.

    Thankfully, the person I am married to is not an abuser. I only have God to thank.

35. I’ve been in a passive-aggressive, emotionally abusive marriage for 26 + years. I’ve been lied to, slandered in every way imaginable, ignored for weeks at a time and generally been the scapegoat for everything that has ever gone wrong in my husband’s life. He is a depressed and miserable man and I truly pity him, but otherwise my heart is dead towards him. I don’t feel God leading me to leave, but wrestle daily with just how to live a life than honors Jesus in the midst of the emotional chaos of my marriage. During the past year or so the Lord has shown me (much through your blog, Natalie) that my husband/marriage will never change for the better. I’ve gotten a “life” and God has given me the confidence to serve Him in ways I’d never imagined. My dilemma is how to daily model godliness before my children, in the presence of a man I can’t even look in the eye and for whom I have no respect.

    • I’m so sorry. Have you read Foolproofing Your Life by Jan Silvious? It’s a good book to read if you plan to stay.

      “Oh my Strength, I will watch for you, for you, O God, are my fortress. My God in His steadfast love will meet me; God will let me look in triumph on my enemies.” Ps. 59:10

      • I have, Natalie, and found it to be tremendously helpful and healing. However, the practicality of living a polite, arms-length life with someone with whom I’m supposed to be “one” is befuddling!

        • Yes. That’s why I had to separate. After 22 years, I couldn’t do it anymore. My life has been incredibly healing since he has left. I know that isn’t practical for everyone though. My heart goes out to you.

          • If there is violence, it is not safe to stay because violence always escalates. And if there are children, you have a responsibility to protect them. In Australia here, 2 women a week are murdered by their partner!

    • I was in a similar situation for 21 years until our church stepped in over four years ago after seeing the suffering of our children (now 15 and 17). One thing that helped me move forward was realizing that it was not good for my husband to remain as he was. The elders tried to work with him, but he did not listen. He filed for divorce this summer, so God has released me without my having to take that step, which I was finally willing to do this fall (that’s how I found out he’d filed first), after learning that he’d molested and raped our daughter several times when she was aged 7-11.

      Whether your husband is a Christian or not, it is not loving or good to allow him to continue this pattern. If he is a professing Christian, then he is bringing reproach on the name of Christ. His profession of faith coupled with such behavior is probably having an adverse affect on your children’s view of God and the gospel. A couple of believing men who understand and see the abuse need to confront him about his pattern of sin for HIS OWN sake, as well as for yours and the kids’.

36. He starts fights when you mention benign likes or dislikes. He turns it into a tirade against your character.

    When he is angry, he breaks the things you have given him. He blames his rage on his circumstances.

    He can’t be happy for you when you have a good day, because his wasn’t quite as good. He is angry at you for anything you enjoy that didn’t also benefit him.

    He demands your attention to the exclusion of sleeping and eating. He requires you to abandon your hobbies because they take you away from him.

    If you are not inclined to be intimate, he becomes angry and fights with you till you give up and give in.

    He threatens you when you when you finally get the courage to try leaving.

37. Interesting article, but sometimes the gender of the abuser is female. How many men keep it a secret because they’re afraid of being viewed as “weak”?

    • This article was written for women.

    • Statistically, in 93% of the cases, the man is the abuser. It is rare to find a man who is overpowered by a woman and living in perpetual fear.

      • Joy, can you provide scientific proof for your statistic please?

        “According to a 2010 national survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Department of Justice, in the last 12 months more men than women were victims of intimate partner physical violence and over 40% of severe physical violence was directed at men. Men were also more often the victim of psychological aggression and control over sexual or reproductive health. Despite this, few services are available to male victims of intimate partner violence.”
        http://www.saveservices.org/2012/02/cdc-study-more-men-than-women-victims-of-partner-abuse/

        “Approximately 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the United States…. In 2000, 1,247 women and 440 men were killed by an intimate partner.”
        http://www.americanbar.org/groups/domestic_violence/resources/statistics.html

        The closest I could find to your number, though it is old data & trends are increasing for % violence against men (or atleast increased reporting):
        “Domestic violence is primarily a crime against women. In 2001, women accounted for 85 percent of the victims of domestic partner violence and men accounted for approximately 15 percent of the victims.”
        http://www.dvcpartners.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=48&Itemid=58

        • Domestic gay relationships come into play here. Keep that in mind when looking at statistics that show an increase in domestic violence against men. It isn’t so much that women are getting bigger and stronger and meaner. It’s that men are connected in intimate, domestic ways with other men. The ones that play the female role are the ones most likely to be abused and manipulated.

          • “Domestic gay relationships come into play here”
            Indeed, actually female on female are higher rates:
            “The National Violence Against Women survey found that 21.5 percent of men and 35.4 percent of women living with a same-sex partner experienced intimate-partner physical violence in their lifetimes, compared with 7.1% and 20.4% for men and women,”
            http://www.advocate.com/crime/2014/09/04/2-studies-prove-domestic-violence-lgbt-issue

            (Aside, not sure how same-sex marriage legalization will change this, but seems the rates of being abused as children/teens is higher abmoung LGBT than avg, so I doubt it will change drastically.)

          • “These studies refute the myths that only straight women get battered, that men are never victims, and that women never batter — in other words, that domestic violence is not an LGBT issue. In fact, it is one of our most serious health risks, affecting significant numbers within our communities.

            “Abuse is not about violence; it’s about control,” says Beth Leventhal, executive director of The Network/La Red in Boston. “You can be just as controlling of someone if you are small — as if you’re large. It’s about using violence or any other means of gaining and maintaining control.””

            From same study: http://www.advocate.com/crime/2014/09/04/2-studies-prove-domestic-violence-lgbt-issue

38. You are so spot-on! I was married to my abusive (physically and emotionally) pastor husband for 40 years. My children also suffer still today from his abuse to them and a zillion times I’ve wished that I had heeded the definite red flags I saw! I’ve learned so much since I left 3 years ago. I learned that I’m not insane, that abusers follow a universally-known pattern and that God doesn’t mandate submission to abusers. I am excited to discover your posts and will be reading them in the future! Thank you!

39. Then there are the abusers who don’t exhibit ANY of these signs until after the knot is tied. That’s what happened to me. There was nothing visible to say what he was going to turn into. Over the last few years as I’ve healed from it, I’ve been able to pick out a few things from his behavior based on what I learned of him. But none of those things were visible in any recognizable way before the wedding, and none of them would give off red flags to anyone other than me or someone else who survived being married to an ADD narcissist.

    I did a lot of railing at God for letting this man convince my entire family that he was who he appeared to be. Spotting these people is usually something my dad and I are very good at. But not in this case.

    He engaged in a lot of mental and emotional abuse, and I left a few days before he crossed the line into physical. We were getting ready to move about three months before I left, and he got so angry about something that he threatened to hit me. I’m not afraid to stand up for myself, and I stared him down with my arms crossed. Nobody believed me about it until my sister witnessed him explode at me over nothing while she was visiting me, and I came home with her two days later. Haven’t seen the SOB since and there’s 1500 miles between us.

    Even my cat liked him at first. Now, because of him, the only strangers she lets pet her are kids.

    • Smart cat.

40. One more terribly sad item. A man truly abused or mistreated by his parents, will abuse. Count on it. Out side of God’s grace. They need help, and usually don’t know it. I know a woman whose husband was punished terribly, police were called etc many times. He turned into the worse abuser of his wife. Now is son is the same,his daughter is terrified of him.

41. I haven’t seen my beautiful daughter in nearly five years, because she married THIS GUY. She left everyone she ever knew in her entire life, to marry THIS GUY. She left art and music and joy behind, to become a non-person for THIS GUY. Will you all pray for her? Her name is Sarah, and she is beautiful.

    Thank you.

    • My heart aches for you. Father in heaven, we pray You would rescue Sarah from her abusive spouse. Make a way for her to get out. Open up her eyes to see what has happened to her, and put people and resources in her way that will help her escape. Cut this man out of her life somehow, and restore her to her rightful place in this world. Fulfill Your purpose for her life, and I pray the enemy would be thwarted at every turn. In the name of Your Son, Jesus Christ, we ask this. Amen.

    • Praying for Sarah and will continue to do so.
      Any updates would be great.
      Praying for you also Cindy.
      God bless and help you both.

42. Great article but would like to add if children are involved they tell you how you are mentally incapable of tending to them if you leave he will definitely take them from you so you stay but you are not doing them any favors. The kids see and hear and know what is going on and it does affect them as they chose partners and raise their families because they repeat the abusive cycle. It would have been better for them if I had gotten out before it got as bad as it did. Also the abuser tries to separate you from your families and friends so they can have full control but you don’t realize it until it is too late. They then have full control so be careful it is at this point they try to kill you so always have a safe get away plan. You think this will never happen just remember anybody can snap in a split second and whether they are sorry or not the kids will have no parents at this point. People think preachers or church officials are not like this but they are human and anything is possible.
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44. This is about 90% of what I experienced and I didn’t put it all together and leave until he had a really bad ‘freak out’ and I had 2 new friends in the same apartment complex to run to. I had left before and either went to my parents that I didn’t feel comfortable talking to about it, slept in my car or just went back to him later.
    I also wanted to add to the inability to take criticism that he would sometimes over exaggerate my criticisms by agreeing with me but then saying he was a horrible person for it, even if it was something small or just something I asked him to try to work on.

    • Yup. I’m glad you got out. Thank you for adding your voice here.

45. How interesting…looking at this list of characteristics of abusers, unfortunately, my ex was the opposite of most of those things, but that should have made me run sooner. He definitely told me I completed him and worshiped the ground I walked on, but other than that, he was quiet, insecure, and was quite self-deprecating. Good luck to all of you who are struggling or don’t know whether or not what you’re experiencing is abuse. There is no sure fire way of finding out for sure, but if you do make that realization, you need to get out!

46. Thank you so much for this article, this is exactly what I’ve been looking for! I am a Christian campus staff worker and I work with lots of young women who become smitten with guys in college and just don’t head the warning signs. My husband and I worked for a narcissistic senior Pastor many years ago (so destructive) and we now know what to look out for – but if you’ve never experienced it you really just don’t get what emotional/spiritual abuse looks like. I’ve been trying to find something clear and straightforward that I can use with my college students to help explain the warning signs simply without having to read a long book (which most won’t because they don’t think it applies to them). My husband and I also do pre-marital counselling with lots of young people and I am planning to talk through these things with the women I mentor – this will be really helpful so THANK YOU! The comments here are really devastating though. I think most pastors and churches are completely naive when it comes to the prevalence of emotional and spiritual abuse and it’s long term damage. We had an horrific time working for this senior pastor, but on the bright side, at least I was never married to him. Can’t even imagine.

    • I’m actually working on a handout for campus staff/youth workers, etc.to give to students to educate them on how to spot an unhealthy relationship and get out safely. I’ve got your email, and I’ll let you know when it is finished. It will be downloadable, and you can make as many copies as you’d like. Sometimes it’s easier to hand out a hard copy of something and know for sure the person got it then it is to give them a link to a website. Thank you for commenting here.

      • Fabulous! Thank you. I was just trying to work out the best way to save this for future reference so I don’t lose it!

        • For now, here is a link to download the article in PDF format for easy printing. http://visionarywomanhood.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/Deal-Breakers.pdf

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