October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, so let’s look at the type of domestic abuse most likely to be found within our church circles—emotional abuse. Even if you’re not being emotionally abused, according to studies, chances are that 1 out of 3 friends are.

Why Emotional Abuse is Found in the Church

This kind of abuse often remains hidden because of unhealthy, pendulum swinging views regarding the “place” of women in the home. When God created man and woman He put them side by side to take dominion together; each filling unique and important roles—but both created in His image and both of equal value and status within the family. They were both to rule, “being heirs together of the grace of life.” (I Peter 3:7)

In some families this healthy relational perspective gets twisted into a warped view of men and women where the woman is relegated to servant status and taught that to be considered an “obedient” and “good” wife, she needs to die to all her opinions, thoughts, desires, ideas, and autonomy in order to fulfill her husband’s desires, goals, and plans, regardless of what those are or how selfish they may be.

The twisted part about it is that rather than two people coming together with input, a sharing of ideas and opinions, a give and take, a mutual deference and respect that demonstrates maturity, love, and the ability to relate in a healthy way—what you have is one person putting an expectation on the other to meet all his needs, agree with all his opinions, do his bidding, overlook his faults, and basically do everything his way.

It becomes a coercive, bully relationship, and while there certainly are cases where the woman bullies the man, in Christian homes, because of the twisting of Scripture on this subject, often it is the man who assumes free license to control his wife, and all he needs to do to put her in her place is let her know she is being “unsubmissive” if she doesn’t.

Healthy Submission in Perspective

I think most of the readers here wouldn’t have an argument with the submission that God’s Word teaches. (Read a helpful overview of some of the misconceptions about submission over on the Girls Gone Wise blog.) I’m not speaking about normal husband-wife relationships where the husband is taking responsibility for his part, and the wife is taking responsibility for hers. If you are in a healthy marriage, be grateful to God for that grace, and recognize that this isn’t the case for many women.

This post is designed to reach out to those who are not in healthy relationships. Those women need to know that a husband who is not taking his responsibility to work toward loving and caring for them the way Christ loves the church is a husband that needs help.

Submission is important for all of us, both male and female, who call ourselves Christians (Ephesians 5:21). But sometimes I wonder if the church focuses so much on getting all the women to “shape up” in response to feminism, that it ignores God’s call to men to pursue Christ-likeness in their marriages.

My theory is that if more men were like Christ—more women would find it a joy to submit. And submission should be a joy when both parties are actively pursuing it for the good of the other. This is called mutuality, and it is sort of important for healthy relationships of all kinds.

Please understand me. I’m not supporting the view that a woman should only offer a supportive role when her husband is also doing his part. All Christians are to pursue lives of obedience to Christ regardless of the actions of those around them. (For more on this, try reading How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong by Leslie Vernick.)

I’m just making an observation that I think has a Biblical foundation. Christ initiates with us. We respond to Him. This is the way God designed it to work, and it is a beautiful thing when it’s done right.

Resource Links

If you have a hunch you are in a family where there is emotional abuse, I want to point you to some resources:

1. FAQs About Emotional Abuse.
2. Downloadable articles on many different aspects of domestic abuse, including emotional abuse. These would be helpful if you know someone who may be in this situation, and you’d like to know how you can help them.
3. A Cry for Justice: a website dedicated to helping the Church recognize and address abuse.
4. A video for helpers: Five Common Mistakes People Helpers Make.
5. A Focus on the Family interview with Leslie Vernick called Finding Freedom from Destructive Relationships. Helpful information for any kind of destructive relationship.

If you know of other resources, please let us know in the comments section.