What Some Single Christian Girls Say They ARE Looking For in a Guy

What Some Christian Single Girls Said About What Kind of Guy They ARE Looking For

So we heard from the guys last week and found out what kind of girl they are NOT looking for. I thought it was only fair to ask the girls to weigh in. Notice, I didn’t ask their parents. We parents want anyone like, oh…say… Jesus Christ to marry our daughters. But since I’ve never met anyone like that, I figured I better just go straight to the girls and find out what’s on their “wish list.” They were happy to give me a little input. (Names are kept private.)

And by the way, if you are a guy reading Visionary Womanhood, first of all, congratulations. Only a real man would have the guts to read a blog called Visionary Womanhood. Second, pass this post along, because there are some important gems in here from the girls – and they probably aren’t what you THINK they are. (You know what happens when you assume. Ahem.)

Here we go:

“I care more about a guy’s trajectory in his life. Is there fruit in his life that he has a thriving, passionate relationship with God?

Or how about:

When I say I’m looking for a “godly” man I mean a person who is seeking to love God and love others–to constantly be growing in faith and working on weaknesses in his life through the power of the Holy Spirit. That’s also the same quality I’m looking for in my best friends, a mentor, a local church, and so on…it’s not a quality that only applies to potential romantic interests.

And then there’s:

 I think it is so easy for us girls to set up really high, unrealistic standards, both because we know we want a good guy and because we get messages from Church and other Christians to not settle for someone who doesn’t meet our standards.  We also get messages from the world and from Hollywood that we should be waiting for the perfect guy, our perfect prince to take us off into the sunset to live happily ever after (and we’ve gotten these ever since we were little, if, like me, you watched Disney princess movies in your childhood).  So, with all these messages, it’s hard to remember that we aren’t going to marry a perfect man.  He will have weaknesses, he will sin, he will do things that hurt me and I will do things that hurt him.  Our marriage won’t be perfect, but it will help us to grow in our sanctification.  But even though we know this, sometimes it’s hard not to have unrealistic expectations.

Another young lady sent me a comprehensive list of amazing qualities she was looking for in a man. I have to admit, I wanted to weep for her. She’ll never find him. And if she does, she’d be sorely tempted to worship the ground upon which his perfect little (sweet smelling, of course) tootsies tread, which is just plain bad. But then she wrote this:

My mentor has often told me that I need to stop looking for the complete package and start looking for potential. It’s unreasonable to expect that guys in their twenties are going to be as godly or accomplished as the men we look up to (our dads, pastors, other leaders and married men, older brothers), but we still need to have assurance that they will become one of those men one day. She compares it to baking chocolate chip cookies. The older godly men are the baked chocolate chip cookies – the finished product, if you will – and the younger guys are the flour, the sugar, the chocolate chips and as long as they have the right mix of ingredients, there’s potential.
I have to say – it tickles my socks off to read stuff like this. I adore both guys and gals in this age bracket. I want to scoop them all up and eat them, they are so delicious. And I loved the next one so much, I couldn’t even decide what to edit out. I just have to stick the whole thing in here.

It sounds like someone wants the specifics, the to-do’s, the book “How to be a Godly Man for Dummies,”— The Checklist:

  • Loves Jesus (check)
  • Takes leadership (check)
  • Plays guitar (check)
  • Athletic (check)
  • Calvinist (check)
  • Wants lots of kids (check)
  • Makes enough money so I can stay home and home-school the kids (check)
  • Dreamy (check, check!)
  • Wants to be a pastor (No go. He’s a “vocation-as-ministry” type guy.)

I kid. Checklists like that only lead to frustration for all involved if We-The-Girls are overly precise on a “Godly-man” list. I understand the frustration of getting vague responses. I myself want specifics, to-do’s, “Biblical Womanhood for Dummies,”— a checklist. I’m hoping to get across, both to myself and men, that maybe we just can’t be as specific as we’d like with these lists.

There are literally billions of men in this world. For all men who are following Christ, the word “godly” must be broad enough to live out in the myriad of circumstances in which they live out the gospel. And did I mention that not all of these men are married? “Godly” must be broad enough…

  • For Christian unmarried men
  • For Christian men whose parents pick their spouse.
  • For Christian widowers
  • For Christian men in war camps, without their families
  • For Christian men who (fill in your life circumstances including your ethnicity, education, family background, job goals, failures, relationship status, personality, etc.)

Godly must be big enough for all of that. All that being said, I do  have thoughts on what the word Godly  in Godly man means.

When I think of Godly I think of God-like. God calls His creation, both men and women, to be like God.

  • The good news: Imago-dei; we’re (already) made in His image!
  • The bad news: Sin; we’re grotesquely distorted from His image.
  • More good news: Enter Jesus. Truly God, truly man. God-man. Godly man.

To be a Godly man, be like Jesus, because Jesus was everything that God made man to be, and he fulfilled every requirement that God commands of men. How to sum up God’s commands? Love God with all of your heart, mind, soul, and strength. And love others as you want to be loved.

And lest we get all clangy with a list of good deeds, here’s a reminder of:

What Love Is:

Patient. Kind. Rejoices with the truth. Bears all things. Hopes all things. Endures all.

And What Love Isn’t:

Envious, Boastful, Arrogant, Rude, Irritable, Resentful, rejoicing in Wrongdoings.

There is a lot of true teaching in the church about how men should protect, provide for, and lead their wives and families. But if we are sticking strictly to the question, “What is a Godly man?” the answer needs to be broader than the man who has a wife, broader than the man who has children. My hope is that by looking for a Godly man who keeps the commands to love God and love others, it will mean that those truths are reaching into all corners of his life right now, and those truths will grow and reach into all corners of his life if he gets married and has children.

There are a lot of truths left out on this list that are important to ANY Christian, male or female. However, loving God and others leads to so many other truths that I decided that was a good place to stop (start?!). When I see these characteristics in men, I would say they are Godly.

One quick caveat:

I hear that We-The-Girls are a little more sentimental than guys, a little more emotional, a little more on the feelings side. If I was a guy, I might be prone to call this emotional mush.

I want to affirm Godly men that in loving God and others they do not in any way have to produce some soft, female, emotional feeling. This love (because it’s God’s love!) is steely; it is strength building; it is pain-staking as you lay down your life daily for others; it is perseverance testing and character revealing, and it is Jesus-like. Which is God-like. I guess you could say, Godly.

So we started with a rubbish checklist. Here’s one for a Godly man.

Checklist 2.0

  • Loves God
  • Loves others
  • Two is not a list. I will sub-point Love.
  • Patient
  • Kind
  • Rejoices with the truth
  • Bears all things
  • Hopes all things
  • Endures all things

And then when you can’t live up to the standards on that checklist, (hint: no-one can) humbly rejoice that it is not red-ink, but red-blood, that is etched across the page.

And then when some girl you “kinda like” screws up [perhaps she expects you to be a spiritual giant in order to consider you worthy of a relationship] humbly forgive her. Like God. And perhaps, since love is patient and bears all things, you can still pursue her. And take notice that it is the same red blood etched across her checklist.

Touche’.

I think this is good enough to share with some boys I know…

Natalie Klejwa is a Wemmick, loved by the Woodcarver, wife of 22 years to Joe, and mother to 9 Wemmicks ages 2-20. She is a business owner (Apple Valley Natural Soap), founder and administrator of the Visionary Womanhood blog, publisher and contributing author of Three Decades of Fertility, You Can Do it Too! 25 Families Share Their Stories, and The Heart of Simplicity: Foundations for Christian Homemaking.

You can hear her being interviewed on Kevin Swanson's Generations with Vision radio program.

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5 thoughts on “What Some Single Christian Girls Say They ARE Looking For in a Guy

  1. I loved this post, and greatly appreciated it as well! As a single girl myself, it reminded me a lot of my own “list” of things that I am looking for in my future husband. It’s funny how when I think back to when I was a younger teenage (and even just a couple years ago ;) ) how the things that I wanted were so shallow and so unimportant- some were downright hilarious. I have to come to learn that it helps to dig into the Word of God, and see what He says is important. And this post reminded me of those things. So thank you!

    Blessings,
    Libby

  2. My husband and I met at age 18, freshman year at a large state college. We were married my sophomore year – he flunked out – at age 19 and neither of our parents were happy about it. Well, at least at first; they got on board and gave us a beautiful wedding 13 months after we met. The things I remember writing in my journal that I loved most about him was that he is strong and gentle. We celebrate our 15th anniversary this year two months after the birth of our sixth child. I think many Christians underestimate the importance of the “spark” in courtship. You can’t build a whole marriage on it but it sure helps to get the fire going. Maybe some people are over thinking things just a bit? Could there be a bit of analysis paralysis in the search for a mate?

  3. I’m a guy, and have been reading along on this blog ever since a couple posts ago, when the single guys in their 20s shared their thoughts about girls they did not want to pursue. As a single guy, in my late 20s, I agree with them, and with much of the analysis that followed in succeeding posts. I don’t know why people are so quick to say that we young guys are so immature, are not worthy, and etc. No one is worthy, and certainly not us, but you also can’t expect us to be a finished product either. The key to a man’s heart is respect, and if we are belittled, then we don’t move, which I think is what is starting to happen. The expectations are now so high that we can’t even ask a girl out for a cup of coffee to get to know her a little better without having to think through whether her family is for or against dating, whether we would be insulting her and her family for even suggesting a date, or using the word “date.” The Christian homeschooling world is so mixed up right now, it is time to start calling it back to reality. Girls of course have a right to have expectations, but so do guys. It is time to realize we are all saved by God’s grace, no one is perfect, and we should extend a little grace of our own to others, as we are all called to do.