I’ve been fighting for something for many, many years. I’ve gone back and forth between fighting for this Thing I felt was worth fighting for—and letting go. Fight. Let go. Fight. Let go.
Aww, Jeepers. Let’s be honest. I never really did let go. I think I just felt smacked down, and I couldn’t figure out how to get back up and fight again, so I “rested” – all the while plotting and planning what my next move would be.
I was fighting for something good. Something noble. Something Biblical. But it was an idol. I felt I must have it. I had to have it for the sake of my own happiness and the sake of my children’s future happiness.
God has said “no” to me. Over and over. Over and over. Rinse. Wash. Repeat.
“No, Natalie. You may not have this good, good thing.”
“But why?” I whine. “Why can’t I have it? So and so’s got it! What’s wrong with ME having it? I’ve been wanting this my whole life! It’s all I ever dreamed of when I was a young girl!”
“I Am your Everything, Natalie. Everything. Everything you’ve ever dreamed of. All found in Me.”
“Yes, I know. I know. I love you, Lord. And You ARE my Everything. And plus—I also think —this other thing would be a nice bonus. You, Yourself, call it a ‘good thing’ in Your Word! It brings You glory! I WANT You to have LOTS of glory in this ‘good thing.‘ So I will have it. I will fight for it. I’ll bet that’s what you want me to do. I’m sure that’s what you are driving at, right? Fight for this ‘good thing?'”
“No, Natalie. I do not want you to fight for this good thing. I want you to rest in Me. When you are sad, I want you to come to Me. Do not try to get justice from Wemmicks. Do not try to get mercy from Wemmicks. Let Me be your Justice. Let me be your Mercy.”
“Yes, yes, I understand all of that, Lord. I totally get that. I will go to You. I will. Really and truly, I will. But just this one last time. This one last time let me fight for what is true and noble and right. Let me fight for justice and freedom. Let me have One Last Stand. And give me VICTORY! Just THINK of the GLORY that will come rolling Your way through this kind of victory! WOO HOO! I CAN DO THIS!”
“No, Natalie. My daughter. No. The victory I have for you is by a different road. A quiet road, but not empty. A lonely road, but you won’t be alone. A long road, but it has an end. Will you walk that road with Me? I will be with you every step of the way. I promise. You will not always see Me or feel Me, but I promise I will be there. I will never leave you or forsake you. Will you come?”
I am looking at that road. I’ve already been on a long, dark road for half of my life. I don’t want to be here. Oh, please God. Not this road. Not this road. Not this road.
I am looking at that road. It has always been dark, but the storm clouds are even gathering thicker and meaner. There is so much power and fury all around me and inside of me. I roll up in a ball and want to disappear. Don’t let it find me. Don’t make me stand up tall and walk down that road with my eyes wide open. With my back exposed.
I am looking at that road. Considering. Shaking. Knowing. It’s a wrestle. It’s a choice to rest.
But for right now, in this moment, I feel paralyzed.
And I am looking at that road.
What about you? Are you looking at a road? Or maybe you are already on one? You can leave a comment by clicking here.
You are getting so close…. I have hope.
Yes, I am. I think I’m on the cusp of “getting” what God has been wanting me to “get” my whole life, Mom. Finally.
You just keep on trusting in God and doing what he tells you in the Bible. His ideas are a thousand times better than ours anyhow. And never forget, our husbands are one of the ways God speaks to us.
God bless you in your struggles!
Unless a husband is abusive, Annie Kate. Sadly, many Christian women have abusive husbands – some overtly abusive and some covertly abusive. In that case, God really doesn’t speak to them through their husbands because the messages their husbands are giving are satanic. (You are a bad wife. You are a failure. You are the cause of all our troubles. Etc.) God says we are His children. We are loved. We are forgiven. We are accepted. Anyone who says otherwise is not from God or speaking on God’s behalf. And yes, that includes anyone “in authority” – even husbands.
Well, yes, of course!
But even when our husband is not obeying God in his actions, God can often speak through him. In an abusive situation it is, of course, different than with a ‘merely’ unbelieving husband.
May God bless women with abusive husbands and give them the wisdom they need to know what to do. And may he give their husbands repentance and then give the wives the superhuman strength to forgive them.
Oh, how very true Natalie! It has taken me many, many years to grasp this. I was taught for so long that a wife must walk in total and complete submission to her husband, no matter what the circumstance. Angry, abusive husbands (even if it is “just” verbal abuse) are not walking with the Lord and are unable to speak truth to their wives. God’s word is the only reliable source of truth!
Natalie, you are brave and honest…especially with yourself. Walking the road with you and sending you a hug…
I love how you seek God, Natalie. I remember journaling through a very difficult season that I went through recently…It was amazing how God gave me a verse nearly every day. His communication during that season was like nothing I have ever known before…. It seems we spend our lives in and out of various different stages of metamorphosis… Older, committed Christians are simply beautiful. Their lives and their character are a testimony of the wonderful things Christ can do for us if we let him lead us through the various seasons…
God bless you.
Yes, I’ve been on a road that has been dark more times than I’ve wanted it to be. God is showing me His faithfulness, though, as He walks that road with me.
I’ve been studying in 1 Peter for a while, and I find a lot of comfort in chapter 2, verse 9:
“But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;”
I’m praying for you in your journey with the Lord, Natalie. He will never leave or forsake you.
I hadn’t intended to comment but I kept being drawn back to this post. It got me to thinking… Aren’t we called to wrestle AND rest? I tend to do a fight-then-give-up cycle when I am dealing with a certain situation in my life. I think I need to recognize the difference between fighting and wrestling, resting and giving up. At its core, it is my true motive that makes the difference. And my motives are often self-seeking even when I’m trying to convince God that I am only seeking to honor Him. Ha! He’s not fooled by me. It is those moments when I am grateful for the refining that I know my motives are starting to align with His will.
Although I don’t like that you are struggling, I appreciate your willingness to share the process of your resolve because it calls me to look more intently into the mirror.
Thank you, Joanne. Good words.
My long road started about 6 months after I became a believer. My road isn’t something earth shattering or tragic but it’s the long fight of putting off self and looking to Christ truly believing He is fully sufficient. I know that sounds simple and not so long of a road but I’ve been a believer for 5 years now and still only feel like I’ve made baby steps of progress toward letting go of my constant temptation to be holy in the strength of my flesh, or comparing myself to others and convincing myself I can’t be saved bc I don’t look like someone else, etc, etc. I know the truth in my mind that Christ alone makes us righteous before the Father and that Calvary finished my salvation but I often rely on how I feel. “I don’t feel saved” I tell myself. My husband has asked me before what I think being saved should feel like and I couldn’t give a clear answer. So I look back at my long road ahead of learning to let go of me and my failure and my shortcomings and ask God again for the 4,000th time to help me truly believe he does love me and accept me as the “chief of sinners”. I’ve often told my husband that it’s so opposite of the world we live in. Our world says pull yourself up by your boot straps and try hard but Christ flips that on its head and man is that worldly try hard mindset hard to let go of. Anyway, know that you aren’t alone in feeling like God giving you victory would bring him honor so why wouldn’t he? I think that daily! But I’ve found that this struggle I have keeps me dependent on his grace and therefore it may just be a struggle I have till I leave this earth.
“For this purpose also I labor, striving according to His power, which mightily works within me.” Col. 1:29
We are all striving/wrestling/struggling right along with you… and thankfully and hopefully according to His power, not ours.