I had the opportunity to attend Leslie Vernick’s first ever Conquer conference last weekend with over 600 women from all over the United States. Many of those women have survived decades-worth of living with a destructive spouse who relentlessly dehumanized them. I talked with several women who, after finally making their courageous escape by divorcing their spouse and moving into a life of healing and hope, experienced excommunication from their churches. It’s hard to wrap my brain around this, but at a time when they desperately needed the love and support of their brothers and sisters in Christ, they were treated to the opposite. They were given the boot.

I watched women weeping with other women. Praying. Pouring out their hearts. Finding a place where they were safe to tell the truth and be believed was like finding heaven after walking through hell for most of their lives. Their stories were eerily similar. It left me more convinced than ever that there is a satanic deception of massive proportions in our churches.

Do you know what the unchurched crowd thinks of Christians like this? They want nothing to do with them. They want nothing to do with a religion that treats their own this way.

I talked with some of them about solutions. What can be done? The seminaries don’t understand the issue and therefore are unable to properly train the pastors. The pastors are ignorant and continue to teach false things about abuse and divorce. The people don’t know any better and just believe whatever they are spoon fed. Only those who experience it first hand—or deeply desire to help someone else going through it—are willing to take the time to educate themselves. And only those who are open-minded and willing to learn actually DO learn and DO change and ARE able to help others.

The rest will continue to re-abuse victims. Often, survivors will say the worst part of their exodus out of Egypt was the fact that nobody would believe them. Their churches bought the destructive spouse’s version. Deep, deep deception. I have experienced this myself at my own church. This past year has been extremely painful on many levels, and yet God has used my church’s rejection to set me free from my ingrained habit of people pleasing. I feel like a new woman! I hope to share more about that another time, but today I want to share some of the things women wrote to me about their experience with Conquer.

The Conquer conference was incredibly encouraging and inspiring.. I felt so supported and welcomed- the workshops were informative and relevant-! I want to get out of my victim mindset and be all God wants to be as I climb out of the miry pit of an abusive 39 yr marriage! I attended the conference with my dear friend. What I enjoyed was being able to be myself – without the mask and with no fear of condemnation. We are women who have tried. We are women who are becoming stronger. We are woman who are loved by God and He has something very special planned for us if we allow it. The only sad part is to think so many of us are in similar situations. I look forward to next year with break out sessions to address issue farther along in the recovery process.

God is always with us – it is me that often needs to pray to be more aware of Him. At the conference His presence was undeniable! This weekend has been life changing for me and my heart is overflowing with gratitude. To be together with more than 600 hundred sisters, to be accepted and loved as God loves and to worship Him with one voice was like nothing else I’ve ever known and it will bless me forever. Thank you for every hug, every smile, every story shared, every bit of wisdom! “Turn on your expectancy, turn on your hope in God” and Ezekiel 36 -thank you Tammy Scott. “You can be humbly grateful or grumbly hateful. Choose your attitude” thank you Jill Swanson. “When God chooses us for an assignment He doesn’t choose us because of who we are He chooses us because of who He is and what His plans are” and “Jesus had one focus, to do His Fathers will. He lived for an audience of one” and “Your #1 priority is to have a deep intimate relationship with Father God.” thank you Cheryl Martin. There was so much work behind the scenes to make it all so amazing – from the decorations and food, to the numerous break out sessions, to tech support and worship team, to the beautiful napkins – it was all so special and appreciated. Thank you Leslie Berg Vernick for consistently speaking truth to me – and for “You have a decision to make. Are you willing to ask God for a heart transplant – making you over… so you have a God centered heart?” and “How you see difficult, how you handle difficult makes all the difference. Will you become an owner vs. a victim?” and “We need support. We become like the company we keep. Make connections – we can’t do it alone, we need help.” That brings me to our local support group and to the women I came to the conference with – they are all truly “soul sisters” and are truly helping “lift me to my feet” thank you!

I am 50 years old and have been part of a church music ministry since I was 12.  Four months ago, I was fired and excommunicated from a PCA church because I refused to withdraw my divorce petition for significant neglect.  I was told that both as employee and as wife, my job was to “shut up and obey.”  I was also told that even if the abuse were physical, they’d require that I remain married. The letters that preceded my excommunication declared my “contumacy” and “defiance of God and His church.”  The threatening tone caused me many months of doubt and fear.  They truly believe that they were in the right to direct their harsh words at me and not at my husband. Contrary to their accusations, I’ve clung to the Lord in desperation during this time.  I have not yet dared to attend another church, however.  Though I miss fellowship and corporate worship, I can’t bring myself yet to look past the pain and take the risk.

Natalie, I wish I would have met you and your “tribe” at the conference! I enjoy your blog so much! The conference was so God focused and safe as you said!!!! Leslie and her team were wonderful hostesses. There was such a sense of love, authentic “love you where you are like Jesus kinda love”. Leslie was everywhere I looked, she was one of us, not set apart to only appear when it was time to talk, I appreciated that! Each speaker shared information that complimented the theme of Being Beautiful Inside and Out. And of course anyone who knows Leslie’s materials knows that it all starts with building your CORE strength! The conference was so refreshing, renewing and reenergizing. I am so thankful to have been able to go and would love the opportunity to not only go again next year but sponsor a woman just coming out of the fog. In fact, I am going to challenge everyone who attended this year to begin praying for the next conference and for the woman God would have you encourage by paying her way. Let’s start a special fund, recycle a coffee can or whatever, and start today to put in your loose change to bless someone next year!!!!!

I have to say it was truly the Lord’s timing that brought me to the Conquer Conference. I looked at it when you had first shared about it months ago and promptly forgot about it. But then last month, my husband sent me to Leslie’s site. I think he thought it would help me heal and forgive him. Well, I am healing, but I’m also no longer fooled by the manipulation. When I discovered the conference for a second time, I couldn’t believe it was in my own backyard! The conference was an amazing place of beauty and worship. I was so encouraged. It was real and raw. It meant to much to me to see that there are Christians, “good” Christians in fact, that support me and understand me. This was sorely lacking in my life until this weekend.

I really can’t begin to express what this conference meant to me. I flew from the west coast. This was huge for me because I hate to fly, and having to make connections, connect with others I’d never met in the Philly airport, get from there to Allentown, was more than overwhelming to this old lady! But God so beautifully orchestrated every last detail and I can honestly say that I would do it again in a moment. My favorite part of the conference itself (hard to pick a favorite part) was the worship. I can’t imagine what heaven will be like, but this had to be a pretty close second to what we have to look forward to in eternity. I’m still singing and remembering the energy and from-the-heart worship that went on during our time together. All of the speakers were great. I especially appreciated the constant challenge to look beyond ourselves and present situations, to who and what God had created us to be, and go forward following Him and being our very best without comparing, competing or coveting. Leslie’s theme of becoming a woman of strength and dignity was just the benediction I needed to go back to my situation with hope and excitement as I anticipate what God has in store for me in the days ahead. I am truly overwhelmed at His beauty and goodness. I didn’t get to meet as many of the others as I wanted (including you!), but then again spent some extended precious time with the several that He had specially appointed for me to be with. My only complaint is that it was much, much too short. I feel so blessed to have been able to attend and look forward to more occasions of getting together in the future, not to mention getting to spend all eternity with you all!