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I’ve been a Christian walking with Christ for 40 years. That is a pretty long time. I’m no prodigal. Wild oats don’t grow in my field. I have been the older brother, though. Working hard to please “Dad” and resentful when the other one gets the fatted calf.
But our Christian journey is like a spiral. It cycles through the same themes over and over, each time going deeper. Each time getting brighter as more bulbs light up. So while you think you’re getting nowhere, you’re not. That’s right. You’re not getting nowhere, and that’s a double negative. Which, in math, makes for a positive. And I’m not even good at math.
On the one hand, I’ve been spoiled by my Heavenly Father. I’ve felt near to His heart through many dark periods of life from the time I was only seven years old. I often thought of David, the man after God’s own heart, as being my counterpart in the Bible. He was the one I could most relate to throughout my life. The Psalms are underlined, highlighted, and wrinkled (dried tears), in all my Bibles.
On the other hand, I’ve wondered if I will ever, EVER just give up on wanting the love and approval of others – and only be totally and utterly satisfied in Christ Alone. Just when I think I’ve tasted that sweetness, I am attracted to some shiny bauble and tempted to look elsewhere for what I desperately need. What we all desperately need.
Relationship
(If this describes you, and you haven’t read Stepping Heavenward yet, you should. You’ll just eat it up like candy.)
I want to take a little break from my Deprogramming series in order to share how God is once again powerfully moving me closer to His heart. Closer in relationship with Him.
The past three years have been intense. I’ve realized some things are missing, and I’ve had to accept that, grieve their loss, and move on. I got really stuck on the first part though. The accepting part. So I’ve invested a lot of precious time fighting for what I couldn’t have. What God, in His sovereign will, chose not to give me. To be fair to myself, I DID wonder if I was supposed to fight for it. It was a good thing, and it involved good things for other people, so I thought maybe God wanted me to give it my best shot. Actually, I still believe fighting for it was part of God’s plan—just so I’d know for sure that I had done all I could possibly do, humanly speaking.
But a few short weeks ago God brought me to the Last Battle. And oh—wow. A major loss. As in, I hardly knew what it hit me. On the battlefield flat on my face, I was pretty sure I couldn’t move. I was pretty sure I had to be dead. I was pretty sure I wanted to be dead. I knew I could not, should not, fight anymore. It was over, and somehow, I had to get up and take the next step. But I had no idea what that could be, now that the entire war was over and lost.
And then, out of the blue, it was like God swooped in with a helicopter, air-lifting me up and out of the whole mess. Just like that. I opened my eyes, and there He was. I was safe. I didn’t have to know what the next step was, because now I was in His care, and He’d make sure I got where He wanted me to go. All I had to do was rest. Sweet rest. No more fighting. No more striving. No more looking for love (relationship!) in all the wrong places. I could let go.
Has this ever happened to you? Where your circumstances are exactly the same, but something more profound has been altered? I’m there. Oh, I’m there, baby. What a sweet, sweet place to be.
How about you? Have people let you down? Has life turned out totally different from what you had dreamed when you were a little girl? Have you been lied to? Rejected? Defined by someone else? Ignored? Shut down? Used? This is all related to relationship. When we are treated this way by human beings, whether they are our peers, parents, siblings, spouses, children, friends, churches, or extended family, we either crawl into ourselves and hide, or we come out swinging whoops and hollers. I’ve done both, and neither one works to connect me to anybody. Yet that’s what I crave. Relationship.
I know this is basic stuff. Christianity 101. How can a woman walking with God for 40 years still be in this class? I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m tired of feeling like I have to be Somebody to fit in Somewhere. I’m tired of worrying about my words and whether or not they are the right ones. I’m tired of fearing the pious, critical attitudes of spiritually advanced people. I’m tired of being one of them.
So today I’m celebrating sappy and simple.
I desire to be as content as a weaned child in the arms of its mother. I’ve talked about growing up. But I think this is growing up. It’s being a child who knows to Whom she belongs. I don’t belong to anyone here on earth. On the other hand, I belong. I really, truly belong by the side of Jesus Christ. Tucked into His Heart.
So I’m doing well, actually. I’m moving forward. I’m healing. I’m getting re-focused on my Strong and Faithful Groom, and I’m discovering all over again that I am a beloved and cherished and treasured Bride.
And so, my sweet sisters, are you.
Rejoicing with you as you rejoice! Inspired to continue to trust and believe even when it is so incredibly hard. I too was knocked flat on the battlefield last week. Had a LONG 24 hours in the bed grieving and then God in his mercy came gently to my rescue. Had to say out loud Elisabeth Elliot’s quote”just do the next thing.” Learning some similar lessons and encouraged and hopeful from your posts. Grieving is so hard, so painful. I’ve never experienced such pain and sorrow but I keep reminding myself that God promises it is for my good. Thank you for sharing and vulnerability and honesty. I need it!
It is a privilege to have our paths intersect in this small way. It’s like a high five (or a hug) – and then we move forward. Thank you for reaching out to me with a little bit of you.
This is so me right now…still fighting the desire to say and do what’s right in others’ eyes to be accepted and to make peace. I’m finding freedom in Isaiah 61:10 and as I read Galatians. Thanks for your transparency in this blog post! So helpful
Perfect!
I will greatly rejoice in the LORD; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. Is. 61:10
I love how vulnerable you allow yourself to be with us in order to challenge and encourage. Thank you!
I don’t think we should ever say, “How can a someone who has been walking with God for X number of years still be __ [fill in the blank]__?” It just adds to the burden of trying to be something… someone… that others think we should be, or that WE think we should be. Who can know God’s purposes or His time frames for refinement?! Seems to me that all of life is learning and growing to be more like Jesus. None of us will *arrive* in this lifetime! It’s easy to point the finger… or to think a mature Christian shouldn’t struggle with X, Y, or Z… but finishing this life “well” isn’t about perfection (that’s why I love David and Peter in the Bible!)… nor about near-perfection… it’s about loving Jesus and receiving the grace that He gives. ONLY HE makes us righteous!
Wonderful to hear you are basking in God’s love today, Natalie!
Amen!
Oh, Natalie, this is so good! I am right there with you. Recently the Lord’s been ministering to me through books written by Francine Rivers. I hadn’t read a romance novel since I became a Christian, 21 years ago. I didn’t care for them and didn’t think there was any value to them. ( How critical and judgmental am I?? Yuck!) The first one I read was Redeeming Love. It made me fall in love all over again with my Lord Jesus. Then I read Unveiling, the story of Tamar. It reminded me that God has a plan and there is a purpose to all things, even in me being the way I am sometimes. 😉 Then I read The Atonement Child and it again helped me see how much we are valued. That nothing goes unseen by our Heavenly Father. He has us in the palm of His hands. Now I am reading Her Mother’s Hope. It’s about relationships and the mess we make of it when we wear our fears on our sleeves. I feel so undeserving when the Lord speaks to me so intimately and His love overwhelms me. I am happy that the Lord is near you too. What could we do without Him?
Sweet.
Oh, Natalie!
I can so relate to your words, “I know this is basic stuff. Christianity 101. How can a woman walking with God for 40 years still be in this class? I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m tired of feeling like I have to be Somebody to fit in Somewhere. I’m tired of worrying about my words and whether or not they are the right ones. I’m tired of fearing the pious, critical attitudes of spiritually advanced people. I’m tired of being one of them.”
This is so me. God is stretching me, growing me, testing me – and I am learning, for what seems like the first time, to truly trust in Him. Not in what I hear others say or watch them do, not in what feels right, but in the solid Word of God, in His grace and mercy, given to those who seek and follow Him.
Thanks for sharing your story, your truth, not what you think we want to hear.
Terry
Please realize that just because you were ‘one of them’ doesn’t mean they were ‘one of them’. Maybe you perceived them that way but you were actually judging them incorrectly because of the log in your own eye. Not saying it to accuse you but because I’ve done it myself and want to warn others not to do the same.
So “they” don’t exist? Prideful Wemmicks are a fact. Accepting that is to accept reality. You and I both fall into that category, as a matter of fact. We are not in a position to judge Pharisees or Fools, but we certainly can discern their existence. If we don’t, how do we follow God’s instructions to us on how to deal with them in our day to day living? Jesus is the only One who can judge Pharisees and Fools (read the gospels), but let’s not pretend we live in a world where dealing with them is not an issue.
Please re-read my comment without being defensive. I am a friend, a sister in Christ. I have read your blog for at least a couple years and been blessed by you. I was in no way implying that ‘they’ don’t exist. I don’t know how you understood that from what I wrote. And my last sentence acknowledges that I do fall into that category (of being a ‘Prideful Wemmick’.) It makes me sad that I’ve done it and was hoping to help keep others from falling into the same sin and grieving our Lord the way I have. My point was that we ARE to discern their existence; but to do it as Matthew 7 teaches. The first step of God’s instruction is that we must take the log out of our own eye so that we see clearly IN ORDER TO discern correctly as verse 5 states. I have also been on the receiving end of judgment (for doing things as convicted by the Holy Spirit out of love for my Lord) by those with a log in their own eye. Because I know my motives, I know they were not discerning my actions clearly. Terry had quoted you in her comment saying that she was tired of fearing the pious, critical attitudes of spiritually advanced people. That doesn’t even make sense. If they are truly spiritually advanced they probably are genuinely pious and aren’t being critical-maybe you just think they are. If they are being critical, why would one believe they were spiritually advanced? If they are looking down on you, I would think they were spiritually immature or may not even know the Lord and would need your prayers and compassion and example of acceptance and love. Do you understand why I would give an advice that would help one to see more clearly? Your response was hurtful to me. But as you warned in your ‘about me’ section, I have not put you on a pedestal so I’m not shattered :). I love you and have been praying for you as I understand from your posts that you are in a very hard place. I’ve been there too. I’m there now with something entirely different. I hope my comment didn’t add to your burden.