Someday I’ll be thankful for all God did in 2014, because I know He was crazy busy in our lives. Today is not that day. Today I’m grieving. Today I force myself to look straight at the gaping hole in my heart and say, “I see it. It’s real. I will not pretend anymore.”
It is in human nature to avoid pain. Denial is something we all do on different levels. If we didn’t, I wonder if we could get up every morning and go about our day? We live in such a twisted sick world, and it’s not just “out there.” It’s in the people who live with us. It’s in our own hearts.
It’s public knowledge around here that my husband doesn’t live with our family anymore. He didn’t leave willingly or on his own accord. I asked him to leave, and when that didn’t work, I pressured him to leave with the help of friends. He’s been gone since September.
On the one hand, I have wanted to be honest with you about my life, but on the other hand, I have hoped things would change, and there would be a miraculous breakthrough followed by profound healing. Then nobody would have to know, I’d have a nice little story to tell, and wouldn’t that be pretty with a pink bow on the top?
That has not happened, and I am afraid it may be a pipe-dream-idol I need to let go of. I was in denial for 22 years to different degrees, thanks to people helpers who cared (bless their hearts)—but were uncomfortable with the truth and encouraged me to live with it—even to embrace it as normal and desirable.
Waking up to my reality and facing it head on has been a long, excruciatingly painful, draining process. It’s been a death. A death with no closure. No acknowledgement from others. No casseroles or cards. Just me and Jesus. Which is exactly what He wanted, I think.
I love to write, but I’m paralyzed right now (and sort of busy, too). I have a million things stuffed inside aching to come out, but how do I let them out in a “Christian” way? In a way that edifies and helps other women going through what I went through? (Because I know you are out there – I’ve had dozens of emails from you!)
A close friend of mine turned me on to Christa Wells recently. Music helps me process and heal. One of her songs is called “Renovate.” That’s what God is doing in my life right now. Tearing me down – and building me back up. It needed doing.
I hope to write more, but I think it will be scattered and sketchy in 2015. I’m going into the new year filled with fear, grief, and anger, but I’m hopeful that God will bring us through it in one piece. Brave, whole, and knowing we are loved completely and perfectly by Him.
And so are you. Happy New Year.
Praying for you and your family, Natalie. You are a strong and courageous woman — glory to God! ((big hugs))
I am so sorry for your pain. Thank you for your honesty. I cannot imagine the kind of grief you and your family must be experiencing, but from all I’ve read of your writings I am confident that this separation is well-founded. Praying for your family’s peace and healing.
Natalie, you are such a courageous woman. Not just because of these words, but because you post them on a page where many people will see.
You choose to let part of your life be very visible to all, in the hope of helping others to learn of who Christ ACTUALLY is.
It does astound me, how so many people know so little of His true nature- the nature of grace and compassion. Remember, He said, the greatest … is Love!
I think we all forget that so often.
I certainly do and then do not apply it anywhere near as often to my own situations with other people as I should.
I am so pleased that you are looking after YOU, and that you realise you should be.
All His best for you and your kids this year.
Oh dear! I’m so sorry to know of your suffering. I won’t offer any answers, because I don’t have any. I will just pray. This world is so full of suffering. I am once again awaiting the delivery of a dead baby girl at twenty-one weeks. We went through this same thing February 2013. I hated all the “helpful” answers. God gave me Psalm 57:2 this time. “I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.” I don’t understand His purpose, and I probably never will, but I know that He has one and that He ultimately works for our good and His glory. Right now, though, it hurts, and I want to know why this happened again. Why did I conceive again, only to hope and lose? Why did I have a beautiful ultrasound of what appeared to be a healthy baby girl, just a few days before her death? Did she really need to be in Heaven for Christmas? If I didn’t believe that God is sovereign and good, even when I can’t see or feel that, I would go crazy. He is sovereign, and He doesn’t have to make sense to us. Oh, Natalie, I pray that God will be at work in your life and will bless you as you have blessed so many!
Oh Sara, I’m stunned and saddened by this news. I wish I could hold you and pray with you. I’m so, so sorry. What a sorrowful Christmas – and yes, it feels like a betrayal, doesn’t it? Yet God is doing something good – though we can’t imagine in our wildest dreams what could possibly be good about losing something precious, gaining hope for a new day, and then losing another treasure.
I love this verse in Job 22: (The context is Eliphaz scolding Job which God disapproved of, but this little Truth lies hidden in his “lecture.”)
…if you lay gold in the dust,
and gold of Ophir among the stones of the torrent-bed,
25 then the Almighty will be your gold
and your precious silver.
26 For then you will delight yourself in the Almighty
and lift up your face to God.
I always thought of this verse when I lost another baby. I know from experience that losing a baby at 21 weeks is a horrible thing to go through. I hope there are Christians in your life who will love and support you. I will pray that God is near to you, giving you peace and hope even as you lay this newest gold in the river bed.
Sarah, my heart just breaks for you. I just wanted you to know that I’ll be praying for you. I don’t have any answers either. At times like these people should offer no answers, for only God has them. I just wanted you to know that someone, from some corner of the earth is uniting with you and your family in prayer. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. (James 5:16) I pray that the prayers of many saints will help bring all that your heart desires and needs.
Just sending out a virtual hug. I can not imagine the pain and anger and loss you must feel at any given moment (or a mixture of everything at once!). I hate that you have to deal with all this crap and yet I love the person you have become (hope that makes sense). It always amazes me how the ugliest part of ourselves and our lives can be made one of the most admirable, the most beautiful, and the most integral part of our testimony… the turning point that makes the biggest difference (to ourselves and to others).
Very different circumstances, but the above has held true in my life though it took many years to come to grasp that. And it still can be painful (oh, the recent experience of mine at a mom’s night out can attest to that! Sigh.). Sometimes I feel like speaking the truth of my testimony and of my ugly experiences and of the work God has done in me falls to hardened, willingly ignorant and arrogant (and judgemental) hearts; but every now and then a seed is sown. And at least I know I spoke, right? I’m still coming to grips with this and learning to find the courage.
You are not alone.
I figure I should be the third Sara in a row.
All I can say is – I love you Natalie. I ache for you and your children and Joe. I am praying for this situation and fighting for you, as you know. May you dwell in hope because HE is at your right hand that you may not be shaken. (From my Bible reading this morning in Acts 2).
Dear Natalie, as I read your post this morning, I grieved for your pain. I am so sorry. May this year be a time of even greater healing, may you continue to rest in the presence of our Savior, and may you flourish. I have been so blessed by your transparent writings. I could sense their was pain in your life, and that God was helping you work through many things. Your tender heart and beautiful spirit shine through your writing. Your love for your Savior is evident. May God continue to use the suffering you have experienced from the fallen nature of man, to glorify Him, and bring healing to others also. Take all the time you need, not that you need our permission
but that it may impart some peace to you, and also take any self asserted pressure away to jump back in before your soul is ready.
Resting all in the One who cares so greatly for you, Carrie
Natalie, thank you for your bravery, humility, and transparency in sharing your life. It does bring hope and comfort to others. I pray that God will comfort you and your family.
I know how you feel. 2014 was the hardest year of our 32 years of marriage. The main cause of our difficulties were two prodigal daughters, and our need to take custody of our 6 year old grandson. I told my husband just last night that 2015 had to be better. There was no choice! Praying for you.
Natalie,
I am so sorry to hear the troubles that you are living with, but trust the Lord to bring something beautiful out of them. Thank you for your honestly. I believe God will use the comfort with which you are comforted to encourage many. Many you know His strength and grace in amazing ways this year.
You are bringing truth into the light. That is painful, but it is God’s way. May you find great blessing by walking in the truth and light. May you understand and feel God’s grace in new ways. May His mercy and love overwhelm and surprise you. May He be your true Lover this coming year. I will be praying these things for you and your precious family.
I just want to jump in here and thank each of you for your kind comments and especially your prayers. I’ve felt them – and honestly, I’m pretty sure your prayers are the only reason my kids and I are OK today. Still lots of work for God to do, of course. I know so many of you are hurting in different ways too. You all have your own challenges. Your own daily grind. And you all need prayer as much as I do. That’s what makes your sacrifice of prayer for someone far away even more astounding to me. Oh, please know that I am grateful.
If you are hurting in your marriage, please let me know (send me an email). I think the issues I have dealt with are very common in many Christian marriages. There is an awakening to emotional/verbal abuse and manipulation in the Church at large. This will be painful and purifying on a macro-level as well as on the ground at the front lines. I’m not sure what role this blog will play in all of that, but I’m praying that God will use it to expose lies and encourage and help women. The enemy works best under cover, and his work is fruitless when it is exposed to the light of truth. The challenge is that when you stand up to lies, the enemy goes on a rampage, and that can be a fearful thing. If we stand together in the Great Refuge of Christ, we can find peace and safety. Wholeness and healing.
Living in truth that results in a stripping away is painful, but good. I love you. Jesus is enough, and He never leaves.
Sweet Natalie,
I’m so very sorry for the pain and anguish you and your precious family are feeling right now…but I am so grateful for your willingness to be open and transparent. The result for the rest of us is a picture of God’s grace and love in the midst of hard, and the comments to this post show the Body of Christ in action. My prayers are for His strength, love, peace, wisdom and confidence to surround you–and that, despite the painful start to 2015, it would be a year of growing peace and understanding and eventually…joy!!
Hugs sweet friend! Oh if only the battle were as easy as some present it to be. I’m thankful that God has you in the palm of His hand and that your future is secure! I will continue to pray for you and your family, that He will guide you and give you peace and comfort. I will pray for your dream as well as for His will, and that wherever they don’t match that you will feel His mercy, and when they do that you will bask in His grace.
Natalie, sending you a very big hug! I agree with the words written here by the other ladies, I just want to wholeheartedly add my “amen!” My prayers will join the others here, thank you so much for being so open with your life. I am starting out on the marriage and parenting journey and your blog has been a huge encouragement and inspiration. I also want to add… No criticism or shame! We love you and accept you! We know God is leading you and doing something special in your life. There will surely be many who don’t understand why you’ve done what you’ve done, but please know that some of us are with you, no pointed fingers. I pray for God’s abundant grace and strength in your life as you start of 2015 one day at a time.
I am so sorry to hear this! Please know that I’m praying for you and your family.
So sorry, Natalie. Thank you for your willingness to share. Satan wants us to suffer in silence and isolation. I will be praying for you and your family. And to Sara, I delivered a stillborn baby boy at 21 weeks in January 2013. I don’t understand what God’s purposes are either in these situations, and my heart breaks for you right now. I’ll be praying for you as well.
Thank you. Although it certainly isn’t any easier this time, my husband and I are doing better together this time than last time. Our marriage went through a big rough patch last time around, mostly due to my poor responses, but God is working in me and we are growing together.
Natalie, thank you for your humility and your understanding that ALL of us just dont have it “all together.” Im sure it took a lot of courage to share this. My heart is broken for you and your family. I am praying for you and for God to redeem your situation. You are right in that God has been using this time to draw you to Himself. He loves you more than you could ever know. Continue to trust in our God who is faithful. Hugs
I was missing you, wondering where you were. I never saw this coming. I could hear this sadness behind your writing but didn’t imagine that it was due to marital issues. I’m so sorry, my friend. I will be praying for you that God’s healing balm will overwhelm you. Your truthfulness is what draws us in. Love, Tereza
Thank you, Tereza. I was afraid I would scare people away. That fear simply reveals one more idol in my life that needs to go.
Natalie, I read this post this morning and I’ve been pondering it all day. First off, you and your family will be in my prayers. Second, now I know why your series have been so spot on: you’ve been in the thick of it! That was a major DUH! moment for me today. It seems so obvious now. If there’s ever any doubt in your mind about the purpose of your suffering in the Lord’s plan, please know that because of you and what you are going through, my eyes were opened to what has been going on in my marriage for the last 13 years. I thought I was crazy, selfish, and ALWAYS wrong. The Lord has used you mightily in my life, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have faced and will face for the Lord to be able to use you. There’s no way I could ever repay you, but I will be praying…and buying Apple Valley Soap.
Love and blessings, Leigh
Thank you, Leigh. I pray that with the Lord’s help, you will be able to figure out your own situation and find HIS answers for you. I am hopeful that God WILL use my situation to open eyes and set women free from bondage to lies. I’m not sure how that will play out – but it gives me hope to know that you’ve been helped a bit!
Keep me posted!
Natalie,
I laid on my bathroom floor and cried many times after my marriage ended (6 years ago).
But the disease has to be treated in order for awesome things to happen down the road… that’s the eye-opener for me, all these years after the fact.
It’s a hard road but it leads somewhere good, where there is peace, and real joy, and clear thinking, and every kind of sweet fruit. God will show you His face, His character, and His love. And He wants to give you the desires of your heart, because you are His girl and He ADORES you.
I’m so glad to see so many other sisters in Christ who are lifting you up! We are here for you! xoxo
It is difficult right now to see how anything good can come of this, but it gives me hope to hear the testimonies of others who have come through and found joy and peace on the other side. Thank you.
I am so sorry. Thank you so much for your honesty and for sharing it. Having similar struggles and always wanting to stay positive, I am in awe of your words and the grace you have with this situation. As you questioned your post (and I want to answer it): You truly are expressing yourself in a way that edifies and helps other women. It is a great gift. Prayers for you and your family.
So sorry to read that you are going through this trial, may our Lord comfort and bring healing to you and your family. I pray that you will know the love of Christ and that this brings Him glory.
(((hugs))) I love you. I’m so deeply sorry and I have grieved so much for you. Life doesn’t seem fair. And God is still sovereign. How do we reconcile all that at one time?
This took an enormous amount of bravery and honesty . . . . Thank you for sharing about your beautiful beautiful life, Natalie. We are all messy. Big, beautiful messes. You will get through this — I promise you that. Hugs and tears with you.
“I have hoped things would change, and there would be a miraculous breakthrough followed by profound healing. Then nobody would have to know, I’d have a nice little story to tell, and wouldn’t that be pretty with a pink bow on the top?
That has not happened, and I am afraid it may be a pipe-dream-idol I need to let go of. I was in denial for 22 years to different degrees, thanks to people helpers who cared (bless their hearts)—but were uncomfortable with the truth and encouraged me to live with it—even to embrace it as normal and desirable.”
Been there. Done that. I found people who would help me blame myself and challenge me to change more, try harder, do more, submit more, and so on. I thought we would come through it and testify and tell everyone everywhere all about it to God’s glory. X doesn’t want a God. He doesn’t want a Lord. We are safe now. I am blessed. I have people in my life who are grounded in God’s word and who help me to trust Him. You can leave an abuser without leaving your faith. He will sustain you.
A Cry for Justice has been such a help to me, Ellie. I’ve seen your name on several of the articles there. God has used that blog in so many ways on so many levels this past year – I would not have progressed to the place I am now without that resource. Thank you.
Can I just say, Ellie, that it freaks me out every time I read here and scroll through the comments and see your name? LOL. It’s more so because you seem to have a past that is similar to my own in many ways (just judging from the tidbits in comments here and there that I have happened to see).
To Natalie: I have read your blog off and on for several years. Sometimes I would go months without reading and then other times I had extra free time and would do a lot of binge reading. I’ve been sensing that there was something different with you compared to what I remembered from days past. I’m so deeply sorry to hear that you are going through marital strife. Is there anything worse in the world than that? May God be with you and grant you peace. And however this turns out, may it be to the great glory of God.
I am so sorry that you have had to struggle through so many years of this and everything is not over and done. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. However, I am incredibly grateful for your sharing what you have learned. Because of you, I am able to help a friend going through this in her marriage. She has been counseled too often to “let go of the past” (which is still happening) or submit more, etc. I have always struggled to offer loving, biblical counsel, but I have in the past been unknowingly unhelpful, as so many others have been. Thanks to you, my eyes have been opened and I am able to offer more real help. I have now read “Foolproofing Your Life” and sent her a copy, which she can read while her husband is on the road with his new truck driving job. Thank you for sharing your pain and what you have learned. God is using your life to help others.
I can not tell you how encouraging this is to me. My hope is that God can salvage some good out of my experience by helping other women find Truth and get the help they need in their own destructive relationships. But I have also wished and hoped so badly that all of you who have normal marriages would be able to discover the reality that so many of your friends don’t – and need your support and help. If we can’t define the problem, we can’t address it and heal it. That is where so many women are stuck. That is where I was stuck until about 2 years ago when I finally found both Christian and secular resources that shed light on what I had lived with for two decades and couldn’t fix no matter how hard I tried. Once I knew the Truth about my situation, I could face it and get answers for it. It is a long process though. As in – YEARS. I’m only now beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, though it is still a long way off. Thank you for taking time to let me know how this information is helping you love someone more effectively. That just REALLY makes me happy.
“If we can’t define the problem, we can’t address it and heal it.”
YES!
This is wisdom. So many people shy away from even defining abuse. Or worse they put it in “”. I have learned to be very careful around people who won’t define abuse but say “abuse” in quotes or air quotes and then claim that “abuse” is overused and people who use the term have a victim mentality. I only use the word “victim” when I am talking about it in the legal sense. This is because people are willfully blind and ignorant to targets of abuse and the seriousness of the issues involved. Many immediately become adversarial at the use of the word “victim.” Yes, I was the victim of criminal abuse. But I was also the target of beratings, threats, lies, and mental torment, and sleep deprivation. So I use the word “target” to slow the conversation down and give people with pat answers a little more to digest as we speak or interact.
Concerning defining the problem, I often write to authors who address marriage and/or divorce and ask them to include a definition of abuse in their work along with links to resources that targets might use if they believe they are in relationships with abusers. At cryingoutforjustice.com, we define abuse as:
Abuse is fundamentally a mentality. It is a mindset of entitlement. The abuser sees himself* as entitled. He is the center of the world, and he demands that his victim make him the center of her world. His goal is power and control over others. For him, power and control are his natural right, and he feels quite justified in using whatever means are necessary to obtain that power and control. The abuser is not hampered in these efforts by the pangs of a healthy conscience and indeed often lacks a conscience.
While this mentality of power and control often expresses itself in various forms of physical abuse, it just as frequently employs tactics of verbal, emotional, financial, social, sexual and spiritual abuse. Thus, an abuser may never actually lay a hand on his wife and yet be very actively terrorizing her in incredibly damaging ways.
Abuse in any of its forms destroys the victim’s person. Abuse, in the end, is murder.
* Sometimes the genders are reversed.
And this link has links and info about abuse hotlines in many countries. http://cryingoutforjustice.com/resources/hotlines/
Thank you for sharing this important information here and articulating it so clearly. I am going to change my rhetoric from “victim” to “target” from now on. I can totally see how that changes the flavor of what we’re trying to communicate when we talk to people who don’t understand.
Hi Natalie,
Just started reading your blog today. I’m so sorry this has happened. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through. I pray that you and your children will be strengthened have grace poured out on you in the year to come.
My dear ladies,
I can so relate to so many stories in these comments and this web site! I just found the meme today and came here for the first time. My prayer for you women is that our Creator will bless you with his love so you can recognize it more and more!
I am approaching 65, and am a mother of 8 living and two with the LORD. I have a daughter whose husband broke his covenant of loving and protecting her and she was abused for 11 years in a “Christian” marriage, to a young man she met in “Bible quizzing”. He was fun, funny, charismatic, and abused her verbally the first 6 months until the slanderous accusation against her character were unbearably heightened and she slapped his face. She quickly learned to not fight back cuz she would get hurt worse. After that he became very physically abusive usually to the head or stomach. Many times concussions. She tried to separate from him many times, but he would always find her and then threaten to do things to anyone’s property in our family if she left again. My husband and I went to the courts in our area and found pages of violations he had done. Some felonies. Many he cleverly got out of. So much of what has been written on this web site about an abuser describes him to a T. They are some of the best actors! She went to a safe house with her 1 year old daughter for almost a year and they helped her get her own place, but he found her. They moved and he found her again. He is technically very savvy, and a hacker, and one tech friend tried to figure out what he would do if he wanted to find someone. He figured out a way to adapt his cell phone to be a location finder for the modem for her computer. Her husband knew the number for the modem. So from the advise of her friend she changed out her modem for a different one. This is the first time after 3 moves that he hasn’t found her, and she has been in a address confidentiality program too, which I am sure has helped except he did find her at the place she lived in before she moved and changed the modem. He has had 1 hour a week monitored visits with her daughter, now 4, and almost lost that privilege. Her custody trial is in the first week of April. It is scary because the laws of this state tend to ignore the abusers abuse when it comes to visitation, so the child is re traumatized and in the controlled monitoring the child starts a positive relationship and thinks eventually that the dad is better now. One hit from him makes my daughter unconscious, what would he do to a 4 year old who he tried to kill in the womb, as well as two other undocumentable instances? I ask for prayers from all of you. Our daughter has PTSD, and will be at a round the table with her lawyer and the judge and her soon to be X will be at that table representing himself May 2nd. He is very intimidating and she has a second protection order against him. Through answer to prayer, someone has been paying for her lawyer costs and it is already over $12,000 before trial. She is now trying to get more police statements from different towns and states for incidents and for a warrant in one state. This and many documents are to establish a lifetime of abuse. Recently he stalked two lawyers that have involvement in her case, so the police and sheriffs have been watching him and gave him a warning. He always gets warnings and convinces them he is so sorry, and has reformed!
If any of you doubt Natalie’s article on abuse, don’t doubt it! The types of abuses described rob you of life and self respect, and it can spiral into deep depression, and your body systems react and can eventually bring you into PTSD. Not a fun thing to have! Abuse is a breaking of the marriage covenant, remember, God divorced Ephraim (the name Israel is interchangeable with Ephraim)
Jer 3:8 And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also.
It is not good for you to stay and hope, and please please please, don’t stay in it because you think his story is unique, or wait for him to change! They can change away from you! These guys are more resilient then they let on. If they are not leaning on you they will find someone or something else to keep them going. It doesn’t have to be you. If you are abused, document the instances. Make a timeline. Get as much documentation as possible. Go to your doctor and get pictures taken of bruises. It may save you down the road. Report it to the police so it is on file.
I want to give some encouragement to Sara. I have two children who died in my womb, and it was devastating, each unique in what happened. There was a song medley on You-tube that you may appreciate. It spoke deeply to me in both of those instances of our children’s deaths.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Pzu-jWpcdw Twyla Paris sings and plays the medley, Warrior is a Child/Do I Trust You
This is truly horrific. Thank you for sharing it here as a reality check. I pray that your daughter and that little granddaughter of yours will be protected in the upcoming weeks ahead. I pray that justice would be done, and they could be set free.
I just discovered the blogs you are affiliated with and just read this post. So very sorry for your aching heart … I’m there with you. It’s tough and a grieving process I had prayed for years that would not surface but the Lord has allowed it for a reason.
Thank you for not forsaking the One who loves you more than we could ever fathom.
Praying for all the aching hearts.