I’m sitting in a coffee shop waiting for my little ballerinas to have their lesson three doors down. This is my time to write. It’s time to fill a white electronic canvas.
But.
I feel paralyzed lately. I can’t think straight. I’m having stress-inspired hot flashes round the clock now in spite of my vitex habit. My heart goes into these episodes where it gallops out of control. I have little appetite (although it returned with gusto on Mother’s Day when my four oldest kids took my mom and I out to eat for dinner. Fondue for dessert? I’m all about that.)
I used to blog about why Christians shouldn’t eat placentas and how rockin’ awesome it is to be fruitful and multiply. Now I find myself writing about how to raise victims of abuse and pitching fits.
I wish I could be more specific about all the things plaguing me. There are so many of them, some interrelated, and some just coincidentally colliding. (Well – God is involved, so that coincidental part is probably off base.) I am not an island, nor am I living on one, and there are human lives to protect at this point. But some day. Yes. Some day I will be able to talk about this period in my life.
Honestly? I’m grieving. All my pretty little boxes fell off my nice neat shelf and broke open. I’m scrambling to find all the pieces and parts. Can I make it all fit the right way again? What is the right way, anyway?
I’ve always had it together on the outside—and I thought I had it together on the inside too. But God is doing something major in my life right now, and I’m shaken to the very core. He is peeling back deep layers to reveal some ugly, festering, oozy stuff that I really, really would rather not know was there.
I think I’ve been a child my whole life. In one sense, I thought that was a good thing. Children inherit the kingdom of heaven, right? Children are unassuming. Children are humble. Pliable. Teachable. (Well, some of them, anyway.) Adults are hardened. Set in their ways. Hard to reach. Let me be a child then! I’ll be a fool for Christ!
I’ve allowed myself to feel guilty for crossing other people. For saying “no.” For setting limits. I’ve depended upon rules and formulas to guide me. The way children do. And while I’ve gotten better at this in a functional way, I still deeply wrestle with feelings of guilt and worthlessness when I let others down or fail to please them.
God wants me to grow up, and frankly, that scares me a little. And also – I am so ready for this. I want this.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this blog. Where do I want to go with it? What do I love to write about? How will it minister best to you? I want to encourage women, yet I feel so broken. I’m not sure I’m a good guide. I know I cannot be a Fearless Leader. Not now. Maybe never. I am a child trying to grow up, but I refuse to waste these years wandering in an introspective, aimless, non-productive way. It’s not how God wired me.
So I’m wondering what to do about this blog.
What do you need? When you open up your email in the morning, and you’re tired or crabby—or maybe you feel great—what are you searching for?
All I have to offer right now, I think, is camaraderie. Perhaps. You are a real woman. I am a real woman. We have real lives, and they’re pretty messy. So—what should we talk about? What direction should we go? You could reply to this email (for those of you who get this in your boxes). Alternatively, you could share what you are thinking with everyone in the comment section.
My time at Caribou is over. My girls are done, and it is time to go. I look forward to hearing what you have to share.
Natalie,
We are all broken, only whole as we cling to Christ alone. Even the apostle Paul claimed to be the chief of sinners, and yet enjoined believers to follow him as he followed Christ. Write whatever The Lord is leading you to write. Tell us what he is teaching you so that we also may be encouraged to love and good works. Your blog has been a huge encouragement to me over the past few years. Please don’t write only what itching ears are wanting to hear, but that which comes from your faith and reliance on Christ. Be of good cheer, HE has overcome the world!
Thank you, Becky. That was actually exactly what God reminded me this morning while I was in one of my sobbing fits. I keep hoping some PERSON can pull me out of this mess. I keep thinking that certain people represent God – and I need to follow them to please God. It’s so silly, I know. God wants me to step away from human help and walk with HIM wherever He leads. I was listening to the song, Oceans, by Hillsong United. I love that picture of just belonging to Him and going with Him into the unknown – the deep – where feet may fail. http://youtu.be/dy9nwe9_xzw
Direction? Where should we go? Ummm…I was just following along. I thought *you* knew the way. So maybe we could just sit here for a while and just wait, chin in hands, watching the cars go by.
Thank you for the laughs, Cindy. If only I could put you in my pocket and keep you here with me – you could do wonders for my sanity.
In the meantime, let’s watch the cars. As soon as Jesus comes along, we’ll hitch a ride with Him and blow this Popsicle stand.
Perfect!
Oh, by the way, I love you.
Oh Cindy – I love you too.
Be real and offer that camaraderie. But point us to Christ. As you look to Him, point us to Him as well. That is really what we all need.
And on another note it sounds like your thryoid and adrenals are very stressed. Look into caring for those organs. Good book called The Hormone Cure that I am reviewing right at my blog The Entwifes Journal on Wednesdays addresses those issues
Thank you, Jennifer. “Point us to Christ.” Good words. I am just now starting to take some action with my health as it has deteriorated over the past two years due to stress.
I am in my 40s now and have had a similar upheaval of the apple cart these past few years. Two steps forward and what feels like three steps back. But by God’s grace I am making progress, spiritually speaking, over all. The Lord has been so so gracious to me as He grows me up. And you’re right, it is scary and painful but oh do I want it, really want it. It seems as though we share alot of personality traits – you know those that are our greatest strengths and yet our greatest weaknesses too. This season has been incredibly painful at times and beyond stressful but the lessons in grace towards others and mercy, I wouldn’t trade those for the world. The Word and prayer have been my source of strength and stability, especially during those times when my mind feels not like my own. On a practical level I have devoured and utilized the tools in the book “Before the Change – Taking Charge of Your Perimenopause” during this past year and WOW I have been able to feel more like myself lately than I have in quite a number of years. This season of life sneaks in on us and it is so comforting to learn there are some biological explanations for some of the struggles. Once some of the hormone balance returns the “stress” management becomes well, manageable. Honesty and camaraderie is what women look for from each other isn’t it? Lord, help us to do that for your Glory and our good!
Amen. And it helps just knowing that there are oodles of us out there on the same playing field (or battle field – whichever way you want to look at it). Thank you for the book recommendation.
Camaraderie in brokenness is a valuable thing. I find myself in the pit every Mother’s Day–it’s the hardest day of the year for me. I don’t want to wallow in my failures or reject the affirmation offered me, but I just can’t seem to grasp hold of the grace. A hand up from someone who’s been there is just what I need.
But God uses the broken….look at David, Elijah, Joseph, Hannah, Job and so many others. Some in a pit of their own making, some pushed in by others. That great cloud of witnesses cheers us on and we can encourage each other as well as we strive to run this Race with perseverance to finish strong.
(And I agree with the other commenter…I’ve struggled with adrenal fatigue much of my life due to stress. I do much better when off sugar and grains and on a supportive herb/supplement. Hopefully you can find a naturopath to help you in that area, but there’s a lot online as well. Articles at my doctor’s site are very helpful: drlaurendeville.com)
I thought that chocolate fondue helped – but you’re saying probably not? 😉
Raw cacao is indeed a good antioxidant! But gluten, sugar, and chemical additives are our enemy due to the inflammation and toxic overload they cause.
Luckily change is possible…we can do all things through Christ who strengthens, guides, and directs us! There are tons of wonderful healthy whole food recipes on the internet so we can feed our children well and train them to take good care of their bodies so they won’t have to suffer like we have.
I’ve been reading your blog for a while. I don’t always agree with your worldview, but I believe that you write the truth in your life.
Keep doing that.
I don’t read because you are the Fearless Leader; I read because you follow the ONLY Fearless Leader.
Thank you, Mel. I always admire women who can tolerate viewpoints that are different from their own. How else do we grow?
I have been reading your blog for a little over two years now and frankly, I feel like we’ve family members in similar tides of life. All I can say is keep growing in Christ even in your brokenness because you are showing me, and have shown me, what maturation looks like and you are surely showing me a lovely example of it. Thank you for your honesty and by golly, I thank God for your brokenness and mine. I’d rather be humble and wandering, thirsting for Gods righteousness, than knowing exactly what I think about every darn crumb on the floor and where it came from.
Praying for you my dear elder sister in the Lord!
LOL! Thank you, Paige. And me too.
I just enjoy reading whatever it is you are writing about, even when it doesn’t have a thing to do with my life or anything that I am interested in. I hope you keep sharing. I love your honesty. I think you must be very smart and well educated. You are certainly well written. Thank you for sharing and teaching.
I’m new to this blog, and this post really struck me. I’m 26, I have two children under two, went from a career minded woman to a stay at home mother. I go to a church with other mothers, but I feel like we have nothing in common and since I share a car with my husband I can’t get together with anyone during the day. I considered a local MOMS support group, but from what I could see we didn’t have much in common either (not God minded). Anyhow, went I signed up to subscribe to this blog I was looking for wisdom from someone who has been doing this a lot longer than I have. To remind me that this phase I’m going through is not going to last forever. The whole thing you said about formulas really struck me too. I feel like the more formulas for success I acquire the less I will have to think. But mostly I feel so depressed, worthless, and ALONE. My husband and I fight all the time, because I’m not content. I hope that you will lean on the LORD to fight the good fight, because in all honesty I need people like you. There are no Titus 2 women in my life right now.
Oh, Doree. I literally weep for women like you. There are so many Doree’s out there longing for hope and help. Stuck in the trap of guilt and confusion and isolation. Heavenly Father, pour out Your peace and grace on this young woman. Direct her to good help. To Your Truth. Feed her and love her and keep her. Help her find contentment not in her surroundings or her circumstances – but in YOU and You alone. You are the only thing that never changes. The only solid Rock. The One Person we can know for certain will reliably stay the same. The only sanity in the middle of chaos. The only Truth in the middle of lies. The only Love in the middle of hate and strife. May Doree one day look back and see Your fingers all over this time in her life.
Doree, sometimes it feels like we are on the losing side. But we win in the end. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLHe0W9Q1Rk&list=RDPLHe0W9Q1Rk#t=24
thank you so much for your prayer, it meant so much to me- it was a beacon of light in a day of dark thoughts. God bless
I would definitely be encouraged by the sharing of God’s healing through the brokenness. Lately in the online world there have been many women coming forward as broken and messy, which is good because we need that community and honesty. But I think its also important to remember that while God meets us where we are, He doesnt always want us to stay there. We are broken, but He heals. We come to Him messy, but we leave clean. And I think just as it is important to be open about self dying, it is even more important to share Christ living.
Then you pray for me, Bridget, because what is going on here has no quick, pretty fix. Sometimes healing only comes in eternity. We need patience with ourselves and patience with others. Paul’s thorn was never removed.
I have a friend who has been in crisis due to issues outside of her control who has been counseling with someone for over a year. That person recently cut her off because she wasn’t healing fast enough to “bring God the glory.” (I think the counselor was anxious to share a bit in the glory, too. It wasn’t happening fast enough for her.) This is the kind of thing I’m seeing in the Christian community that makes me ill.
I agree completely. I was not trying to imply a quick fix was possible or minimize your pain. I will absolutely pray for healing in your situation but I apreciate your wise perspective that sometimes it only comes in eternity. Blessings.
No worries, Bridget. Sometimes I respond, not necessarily to the person making the comment, but to an idea they might have touched on that I know is whirling around in the minds of a lot of people. In my own mind. I hope I didn’t hurt you.
Natalie,
I don’t have time to read all of the comments, so maybe this has already been said.
It is normal to take breaks and slow down. Sometimes we need to pull away and focus on certain things before we proclaim the lessons we’ve learned and share the journey. There are private times in our lives where we just have to be private, period. And though in ways it is very beneficial to walk with other people (which I believe you are: husband, church, etc.), the “vulnerability” and “authenticity” gospels of our day often seep into the minds of even the most grounded, causing us to *guiltily* keep on keepin-on instead of pursuing with peace what God has called us to. That doesn’t mean you’re going to be in a field of daisies just so long as you follow Christ, quite the contrary as we swim upstream. But, you will know when God is calling you and when He is not. And if you are in a season of so much that it’s hard to know what’s from him, then pursue Him first and see what follows (matthew 6:33). Are you *called* to write during this season in your life? Or are you called to pull away for a season?
Please know I’m not accusing you of anything (thinking pattern, actions, or whatever), nor would I think you’re just so much more broken for continuing blogging. God hasn’t told me what you ought to do.
I will pray for you the rest of the week~
Thank you for your prayers, Melissa. I ran from writing for many years out of fear. Writing is something I truly believe God wants me to continue doing – it stretches me and helps me process what He is teaching me. Remember when Eric Liddell said “When I run I feel His pleasure?” That.
I’m walking wounded in a world full of animosity toward my beliefs. Many darts are fired from those professing the faith. As another commenter mentioned above, that it has to transpire while ALONE makes it all the more difficult. If nothing else, I know when I read your posts that I’m not alone in spirit. I think when you’re willing to share the issues and how they are resolved, such as a wound and how it was healed, it can show a reader the path when they’re lost. I’m married to a good man, one that kept me here and drug me to counseling when I would have left the marriage. That man is also paralyzed with fear over making a wrong move, so we do nothing, go no where, and continue to fail. I have five children under 10, health and financial issues, and have no idea how to gain any ground…some nights I go to bed with no plan to get up in the morning. To say I’m overwhelmed is putting it lightly. What do I need to hear? Maybe just that there’s hope.
Here’s a song for you, Molly:: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iTTulJDgSA
I appreciate your honesty. You are not the first blogger I’ve known ( and respected) to post something like this… Your humanity makes you real. It seems that we go through seasons of metamorphosis that grow us and stretch us…. but it’s not all comfortable. As you know, James says to ” count it all joy.”… though we don’t always do so in the process.
On another note, the book ” Trim Healthy Mama” speaks a lot about balancing hormones.
Many blessings to you as you seek Him… I have a lot of respect for you.
I’m good with camaraderie and real life. Messy life is real life, too, and some of us are in a messy season. For those of us who are in that place, please do keep on writing. What an encouragement to know we are not alone! I love you, Natalie.
I love you too!
Natalie,
I’m 27 and a first time mother to a 6 month old. I’ve been a believer for about 6 years. Since I became a believer I’ve really battled believing lies from the enemy and basing my worth or standing before God based on how I feel or how I’m performing. When I became a mom 6 months ago a whole new level was added when I started seeing in myself some of those really nasty deep layers of sin that you mentioned. It’s a daily battle to stand on truth and not what I feel or the temptation from the enemy and my own flesh telling me to just try harder. I say all that to say that I’ve looked up to you as I’ve read your blog the last year and honestly can say I respect you even more now for just being real. There’s intimidation within women when weakness about how broken we are isn’t present. We need to know each other is broken because in a weird way it creates a stronger sense of unity. I think it reminds us that the woman next to us that we think is somehow so deserving of Christ’s salvation is really no better than us therefore we are forced to remember it’s all grace. If I’ve learned anything in my short 6 months of being a mom it’s that we are so incredibly needy of grace! And I hope you will feel comfortable knowing this is a safe place where women are ready to extend that to you as we see our desperate need for it ourselves.
Nothing like being handed the responsibility for another life to awaken all kinds of stuff inside you never knew existed. I swear God gives babies to people to show us what we’re really made of. And it isn’t pretty, is it? But we can’t grow without self-awareness – so it’s a blessing for that reason and so many others. A hard blessing. That baby will also reveal hidden beauty in your heart you didn’t know was there! (Mothers are beautiful, messy people!) Enjoy the ride, Shannon. It’s only just begun.
Honesty and transparency. Thank you. Exactly what I needed to read today. I’ve been in my own “faith trials” for quite awhile now and I still have some major growing to do. I’m thankful I’m not the only one on this journey.
I’m not where I want to be, but PRAISE JESUS I’m not where I used to be!
P.S. I just sent that placenta-eating article to a friend last night (it’s still one of my favorites) and I giggled when you wrote that part. Even years later, God can still use our fiery passions of old, no?
Ha! I hope I get back some of that fire one day! I’ve got a lot of fire now – but not the good kind, I’m afraid. Encouraging reminder though that we certainly aren’t where we used to be. Thank you Michelle!
Natalie,
Thanks for your openness. It is funny because I was having such a hard time lately. I keep thinking that it ,everything, getting older, marriage, the kids. It was not supposed to be like this. Everything was supposed to turn out different than it is. I tend to avoid people because I am so humbled by my self created mess and if you all knew…gee…if you guys just knew. Your openness and humility in this post, I thank you for that.
Not sure where this is leading but, the last couple weeks I had been thinking of the story of the Israelites getting bit by the snakes and God telling Moses to make the snake of bronze and whoever gets bitten but then looks at the bronze snake will live. I thought it was interesting that God did not take away the snakes which he very well could have. He left the snakes but gave a promise of life. Just like he did for me. Most of the times I would rather him take the snakes away. On rare occasion I am thankful God keeps the snakes.
My oldest two, Elena and Grant are only one year two days apart in age. There was a time when Elena was big enough to pull herself up onto the bed. Grant, being her shadow, tried with all his might to follow her on the bed. He was just too little and broke down crying and sobbing, “I want to be big like Elena. When will I be big like Elena.” I have been feeling like that lately. When will I be big like Jesus. When will I be more like Christ. I know on earth I will not be perfect but I want to move forward faster than it seems like I am. I understand what you are writing. I love you.
PS: Your AR article was wonderful!
I love what you took from the snake story, Tina. Thank you for sharing. I love you too, sister.
You are not alone! Though I was 22, I went through some similar things that took a few years to work though, when my first son was born with unexpected special needs due to a choice I made. My whole world was shaken… my thoughts and beliefs, my marriage, my friendships, my view of motherhood, my relationship with God, my emotional state… I learned that God is patient, that life is messy, and that pride is a killer (though I learned much more during those years). The theme of my life has seemed to be summed up as “humble thyself again and again and again, be real, and serve”. haha. I can laugh about that now, but how painful it was then… now it’s like little pin pricks where before it was gaping, bloody wounds.
I also agree it felt like I “grew up” during this time. I hope you have someone to talk with… keeping things bottled up was the least helpful thing I did and prolonged my years of pain.
So you are not alone! Many of us have been there though through different circumstances, are there, or might be getting ready to be there.
Blessings.
Thank you. I do have some good support.
Judging from my blog reading lately, I get the impression a number of recent events have left so many in the “big family-homeschooling” community feeling….up-ended. And gosh, I don’t have to even need to turn on the news to be shocked and appalled by the fallen-ness around me; all I have to do is listen to what is coming out of my own playroom (or my own BRAIN!? HELLO!?!) for about three consecutive minutes. So I wish I could just give you a hug! But, PLEASE, don’t stop blogging! All we have to do is “dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness”. I am a lousy dweller, it is so hard. I want to organize, plan ahead, maximize, prepare, purge, decorate, make a list–anything, anything other than just. to. dwell. It helps me to see others dwelling even in their hard times.
It’s like the song says: “Anything that can be, will be shaken.” Only Christ remains.
Amen.
I am going thru a hard time right now. I had a miscarriage just before EAster. We bought some pretty chicks this spring and they got killed this past MOnday night. Our pet hen was in the midst and died too. I never thought I would cry over chickens, but I am sooo sad. It’s pitiful. I feel depressed. I haven’t felt this way since 1996-7. My cycle is a mess. My hormones is a mess. I got a 11y.o. who is hormonal too, I think. All the younger kids seem to never obey and have fits all day long. Can you see how positive and uplifting I am? (sigh)
I searched the net and I might have adrenal fatigue. I got all the symptoms. So I cleaned up my diet. It’s been good. I already lost 3 pounds and have no cravings or appetite really. But I have a headache everyday at 3pm. By 5pm it’s awful then I take Advil.
I just want to go to bed. I am finally sleeping. That’s the other therapy I am doing. Going to bed and staying there until I fall asleep.
I feel awful and sad all the time.
I love to read your blog because you are real. You share your struggles although you don’t name them all, we can see you are a real woman with real struggles like us. Like you, I am relying on Jesus. Although I have no desire for anything. I feel like I am at the bottom of a pit with no strength to even call out for help. So here He will find me.
PS. I am on Vitex too. Some days I wonder if it is doing anything for me at all??!!
Oh, Tereza. I think you definitely may be depressed. Have you seen a doctor? Oh how I can relate to what you are writing here. I’ve just wondered this week if I’m getting depressed too. I’m so stuck in my situation – with no way out. I’ve tried everything and hit dead ends and walls every time. My zest for life and all my motivation is slipping rapidly away. I often wake up and wonder how I will get through the day with this oppressive feeling around my chest. I will pray for you, Sister. Yes, He will find you in the pit. And one day He will put a new song in our mouths – He promised us that. He promises to make a way in the dessert. He promises rest for the weary. We just have to let go and let come what may – and trust He can keep us close when our strength is gone and our own grip slips. Aching for you…
I just have to say, thank you. Although I am a new mom of an almost 1 year old, I am going through the same thing. My husband and I are starting our ministry, going through the ordination process through our denomination. And I keep coming to… how can I be broken before the Lord if I can’t allow myself to be broken with myself? How can a broken woman raise a whole person? And God is working on me too, opening up this big heavy iron clad door that I’d much rather keep closed. So what would I like to keep hearing from you. About your day. About your struggles and victories. About your inspiring love for Him who created us. About another beautiful woman of God who is going through the same struggles and fears as the rest of us. I love you, and I will pray that God helps you with your layers with the same love that He’s showing me as we open this big ol’ heavy door. God bless you.
Thank you, Kristy. How CAN a broken woman raise a broken person? The short answer that takes a lifetime to really, fully grasp is – we can’t. But God can. And that’s what you and I will bank on. One day at a time. One frustrating moment at a time. One crisis at a time. With a patient, forgiving, kind, Heavenly Father by our side ALWAYS. Be at peace. Breathe. (That’s what someone told me today…so I’m breathing too.)
Yes, oh yes to your words that I, a broken woman, can’t raise another broken person. But God can! I’m a momma of nine children, too, in my 50s now, and this reality becomes ever so much clearer with every passing year. This past year has been one of great grief in our family as one of our grown children (20) has turned from the Lord. But God has been with us, doing good work in the midst of pain. May the Lord Jesus strengthen you today and give you courage and hope for what you are experiencing.
I’m so sorry for your pain. And thank you for your kind words. I pray that the Hound of Heaven will keep after your child until they are safely in His care again.
Your blog is the only one I check every day now that Get Along Home isn’t blogging ( boo). I’m guessing I am about 10 years your younger. What I appreciate most about your blog is the glimpse into a later life stage. Your posts inspire, surprise, and sometimes challenge me. Whatever you blog about, I’m sure it will interest me, it always has. Xoxo
I take that as a compliment. I love Cindy’s blog. Thank you so much, Hailey, for the encouragement.