I’ve been posting links to articles about the whole Saeed-Naghmeh thing over on my Facebook page. For the most part, the comments have been sympathetic toward Naghmeh, but there are some comments that I feel a strong urge to talk about over here on my blog. I’m not going to be Smucker’s Sweet, more Sriracha Hot Sauce, so if you’re the sensitive type, now’s the time to make your exit.
There are all kinds of negative, judgmental comments about the Saeed-Naghmeh situation on the web, and I think there is controversy surrounding this case due to something called Cognitive Dissonance. I want to address three of the recurring comment themes on my own Facebook page:
- People are confused. Why would a Christian woman fight tirelessly for three years to free her imprisoned husband only to admit right before he comes home that he abused her?
- She should have kept the abuse private.
- There are two sides to every story.
People are Confused
The “Innocently” Confused:
I think people are understandably confused. Her coming out when she did was like a curve ball none of us were expecting. Personally, I don’t know what to think.
This person understands why people are confused because she is also confused. The fact that Naghmeh unselfishly, compassionately, and tirelessly worked for three years toward the release of her husband, only to admit before his actual release that he was abusive, makes no sense. She doesn’t know what to think.
What’s sad about this is that when a Christian woman fights for her husband’s human rights and then turns around and fights for her own—it’s thought of as a curve ball. Unexpected. Strange. It throws people for a loop. They don’t know how to think about someone who acts consistent across the board with their worldview. You know—a Christian who actually acts like one.
That’s sadder than sad.
The “Irate” Confused:
NO WOMAN…spends 3 YEARS fighting to get an abusive Husband, out of captivity, something else has happened, or she has been threatened….this is not something that is true, there is no woman that FIGHTS THE FIGHT SHE DID…TO FREE HIM…and then comes along with….oooh by the way, he’s an abuser, and I don’t want him back gasp emoticon huh?!!!
This person is angry. She doesn’t just cock her head to the side and wonder about things when she is confused. She cocks her guns and comes out shooting. She refuses to believe the story at face value. It could not be a simple case of a pastor-husband abusing his wife and a Christian wife behaving like a real follower of Christ by working to free him—and then telling the truth about his abuse in order to protect herself and their children in the same way she worked to protect her husband from abuse. No. There’s just got to be something more bizarre afoot – like, she’s been threatened or something. Because it’s more believable to think she’s been threatened by Isis or the mafia than that she was abused by her pastor husband. Pastor husbands don’t abuse their wives or look at porn for crying out loud. Everyone knows this. No, this commenter doesn’t believe a word of it. “…this is not something that is true, there is no woman that…” does this. No woman acts in a consistent fashion. No woman acts like a real Christian. Not a single one. Therefore, Naghmeh doesn’t either. The commenter knows this to be true. But the woman who actually experienced the abuse is a liar.
The “Experienced in Church-Office-Work” Confused (but not experienced in abuse prevention—hence the confusion).
I’m a little confused and disappointed, as someone who has worked in church offices for over 30 years I don’t understand Naghmeh need for publicizing Saheed’s failures and sins especially coinciding with his release. The personal information that she shared eventually would have been found out but the starting point for all of this mess should have been with them as a couple and a counselor in private. These situations are complicated but they still require a tremendous amount of grace for all involved.
I brace myself when someone starts their comment with their credentials. They are saying, “Heads up, folks. I’m credentialed.” She has worked in church offices for over 30 years, which means she has insights she must share about Naghmeh’s “need” (covert cut to Naghmeh) to “publicize Saeed’s failures and sins.” Not the physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse of his wife. Not the breaking of his wedding vows to love and cherish her. No, because that wouldn’t be fair to Saeed. It’s simply his “failures and sins.” You know, like everyone’s failures and sins. No biggie. Not only did Naghmeh air their dirty laundry, but she did it on purpose to coincide with his release. Like, she plotted the timing to make it even worse for the poor man. She wantonly shared “personal information” – and she “should” have kept it private with couple’s counseling. Because couple’s counseling is what this commenter has seen through her church office windows. She knows about these things. She also knows (and firmly informs the rest of us dork brains who obviously don’t get it) that these situations are complicated. But, to add a spiritual, Church-Office-Worker touch at the end, she reminds us of the tremendous amount of grace required for all involved. Grace, of which she has demonstrated for nobody but herself—and the abuser, of course.
I know I’m getting sarcastic, but this stuff seriously drives me to pulling my fingernails off because these people get away with writing horrific things like this and thinking they are amazeballs. They don’t realize how pretentious they sound. But the thing that really gets my goat is that Naghmeh actually is a noble, humble, and courageous woman, and she is being vilified by the likes of all the Mrs. Awesome Church Office Workers who know exactly nothing about abuse. If they did, they would know that you never do couple’s counseling for abuse. If they did, they would know how horrific it is to come forward and admit you’ve been abused. If they had any sense of justice at all, they would never gush about grace for the abuser and turn their hearts from bestowing grace and compassion on the victim. This particular woman may have over 30 years working in a church office, but she has very little insight or grace for abuse survivors.
The “Suspicious” Confused
My thing is why would she fight so hard to get him back here just so she could divorce him. There is more to this story then what is being said. I believe Satan can use good for evil. Was she cheating on him while he was away and doesn’t want to confess to him. A lot of time when humans are doing something that they are hiding and are going to be found out they will go on a defence mode and makeup a story to cover up a fact of truth. It is in our sin nature to do that. I say sin nature because even though we are saved by grace we still have a sin nature. We still have choices we make. So this is why I say there is more to the story.
Where do I even begin with this one? First of all, where did divorce come into the picture? Nowhere have I seen any intimation that Naghmeh is in the process of divorcing Saeed. This commenter is making that up, like an exaggeration to stir up the pot even more. Then she announces her suspicions that there are undercover conspiracies here. Maybe she’s been talking to Mad Lady up above? Onto the next fantastical line: “Satan can use good for evil—?” This is sort of a sick twist on Genesis 50:20 where Joseph said what his brothers meant for evil, God meant for good. So let me just state clearly: Satan doesn’t have the power to take good and turn it into evil. Period.
And then the next line? It just gets sicker. While Mad Lady calls Naghmeh a liar, this one says maybe she’s an adulterer to boot! Yeah. That’s it. If domestic abuse makes no sense, then call the victim an adulterer, and all the pieces start falling together. This lady is just making up crap off the top of her head and vomiting it on Facebook. But then she goes on to give a mini-sermon about the sin nature and how it all works, you know, for the rest of us naive people who just take a reputable abuse victim’s word for it. A victim with a police record of her husband’s abuse.
After reading that one, I needed a drink and a smoke.
She Should Have Kept the Abuse Private
I would never defend the abuser and blame the victim ever; [yet here I go] but I really have a hard time seeing why it was necessary to make all of this public, especially at this time! She can go through everything she is currently doing to protect herself and the kids without owing a single person anywhere an explanation or insight into their personal lives. She is doing exactly what the Pastors at our church would want her to do if she was a member of our congregation, protecting herself and her children, they would have Saeed get counseling and take many steps to earn his family back but not ever would they condone making a public example out of your spouse!
And this one:
I was badly abused growing up and in my marriage, I would never cover up for an abuser, but I do not think it is appropriate to discuss other people’s lives in this manner. Discussing abuse is important but these are real people. Talking about them behind their backs is not Biblical, it is spreading rumors and judgement we are not authorized to give since we cannot know all the details. To say abusers do not change is also very closed sighted. God is a mighty God and can change the heart of any man. Personally, I choose to let God handle this as He sees fit and to trust that He is an awesome God.
I don’t agree with keeping domestic abuse private unless the woman wants to keep it private, and even then, I think keeping evil under wraps is always a bad choice in the long run. There is a boat load of shame associated with abuse, and most of the time the woman keeps silent simply because it is tremendously embarrassing on many levels. She often doesn’t want her abusive partner to get in trouble or be embarrassed either. When the pain of dealing with the abuse becomes greater than the pain of “telling” – she finally comes forward. It is a huge hurdle to overcome, and often after coming forward she isn’t even believed by many people, as we can see from the comments. This is also a fear victims have while still keeping quiet. “If I say something, who will believe me?” Especially if her husband is a public figure or a pastor or leader of some sort. I have personally seen this more times than I care to count. It is a horrible injustice heaped upon a woman who has already likely endured years, even decades of injustice at the hands of a spouse.
Saeed and Naghmeh were public figures. Saeed had already pled guilty to domestic abuse in 2007, so this wasn’t “out of the blue.” Criminal activity isn’t a private matter, it’s a concern of the state, and domestic abuse is defined in many states as a distinct crime. It is known at some level no matter who is involved, but certainly when you are a public figure, if you choose to engage in criminal activity against family members, the public may eventually find out about it. I don’t see this as a negative, but rather a positive. Why? Because it exposes and brings evil to light, and that is never a bad thing. Evil thrives in darkness. Evil wants to remain hidden. When we expose the deeds done in darkness and set captives free, we act as ambassadors of our Lord Jesus Christ. Alternatively, when we seek to hide evil and cover it up, we are playing right into the enemy’s hands.
The first commenter was right that Naghmeh doesn’t “owe” anyone an explanation, yet she is choosing to be up front and honest in spite of the negative kickback she no doubt anticipated she would be forced to endure. She is laying herself on the line in order to bring an evil to light and get help for herself, her children—and Saeed. Yes, the only hope for an abusive person is if their abuse no longer works in their favor. Even then, very few abusers repent and turn their lives around. That is a well known, well researched fact that anyone who works in the field of domestic violence knows. Google it. Look up all the literature at your local library. This information is free.
As far as “talking about them behind their backs” – and spreading rumors – yes, there are a lot of sick rumors (she is an adulterer covering for her affair, she is being threatened, etc.) started by Christian women like the ones quoted above, and these are ridiculous, based on nothing but a chunk of boredom between two thick slices of over-active imagination. But having intentional conversations for the purpose of educating the public on different aspects of abuse, encouraging prayer and emotional support for Naghmeh, and exposing an evil that hides in our churches, is a very “Biblical” thing to do, in my opinion. I think the God of justice and truth approves. And I think this is likely Naghmeh’s hope as well.
Back to the idea of God changing the hearts of abusive men. Can He do this? Yes, of course He can. And once in a blue moon, a man repents and is transformed. But God can also raise people from the dead. That doesn’t mean if your child dies, they will be raised in your lifetime. God doesn’t control us like puppets. He doesn’t take every abuser and turn them into Gandhi. People make their own choices, and more often than not, abusive men don’t change because they don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. They are liars, and their most faithful believer is themselves. That’s why Saeed can say with a straight face full of conviction that his wife is lying. He doesn’t believe that what he’s done is all that bad. His wife is making a mountain out of a molehill. What’s her problem? Abusers always make the victim out to be the bad guy. Always. And abusers, especially ones that claim to be Christians, often look like incredibly benevolent, charitable people. Just one more reason it is so difficult to extract oneself from their web.
Finally, I want to address this last comment: Personally, I choose to let God handle this as He sees fit and to trust that He is an awesome God.
Seriously? I hope that if you are ever mugged in a dark alley, and someone comes along and sees it, that they don’t say that.
I hope when you see your child running into a busy street that you don’t just stand there calmly with a smile and say that.
I’m glad people like William Wilberforce and Oskar Shindler and Mother Theresa didn’t say that.
We are supposed to be salt and light in a tasteless, dark world. We ARE the hands and feet of Christ. His awesomeness is seen when we act as His ambassadors on this planet, not when we say, “I’ll let God handle this mess. I’ve got better things to do.”
There are Two Sides to Every Story
It is true that there are two sides to every story. That is why Jesus died for both Naghmeh and her husband, and all of us. None of us deserve what Jesus did for us, but they (as well as all of us) need privacy, grace, and a chance to allow God to be glorified. The Bible tells us to be careful HOW we judge. In this situation, we have one’s word against the other’s. None of us has been in their home behind closed doors. None of us knows what has really happened. Only they know. Only God knows. It’s none of our business. Let’s leave the future of their marriage not up to Naghmeh, not up to Saeed, but up to God. Let Him use His power and glory for an outcome for only HE knows what is best!! I have seen adulterous and abusive marriages restored with God’s power. Nothing is impossible for Him. Instead of butting our noses in where they don’t belong and making conclusions we don’t have the right to make, let’s let God take care of it.
We have one’s word against the other. Let’s look at the two “words” we’ve got. On the one hand we have the word of a man who has pled guilty to domestic abuse in the past. On the other hand we have the word of a woman who endured the abuse and yet also worked for three years to get that man freed. If you do just a surface study of domestic abuse you’ll find out that the vast majority of the time when a woman comes forward with claims of abuse, she is telling the truth. (Article: Is it Wrong to Just Believe Abuse Victims?) Naghmeh is coming forward not only with claims, but a past, recorded history on public record. I think we can use our common sense here. It is possible, but unlikely that a past victim is lying and a past abuser is telling the truth. So if you’re going to err one way or the other, why err on the side of a man with an abuse record?
This commenter makes sweeping claims of having seen multiple abusive marriages restored. I’d like her to substantiate those claims, because I’ve talked personally or online to over 100 women in abusive marriages, and not one was restored. I’ve talked to counselors on the front lines, and they have testified that it is extremely rare. The literature and statistics bear this out. I’ve watched online training videos done by Chris Moles who goes all over the country training church leaders on how to deal with domestic abuse in their churches. He has worked directly with abusive men for years. They can change, but most often they don’t. That’s just a fact. So when a commenter makes wild claims like this, I tend to wonder if she is telling the truth herself.
To call Saeed an “abusive man” based on naught but an accusation is presumptuous. We always have to be innocent until proven guilty. Anything else gives accusers too much power. I think Franklin hit the nail on the head when he said there are two sides to every story.
Saeed IS an “abusive man” by his own admission. So calling him one is not presumptuous. And the part about accusers having too much power? Yeah, that makes total sense. We wouldn’t want to give abuse victims too much power, now would we? (I almost lost my cookies all over my laptop when I read that one.) And no, Franklin didn’t hit any nail on the head. The cliche that there are two sides to every story is true. But he was communicating that the sides are equal and equally valid. And of course, they aren’t. When it comes to abuse, one side is wrong, and if you say the evil side is equal to the victim side, you are siding with evil. That’s just the bottom line. Naghmeh’s story is that she was abused. Saeed’s side is…what? She deserved it? She’s lying? Either way, Franklin chose sides when he said there are two sides. And so did this commenter. And it wasn’t in favor of believing or helping Naghmeh.
I could be wrong. There’s a chance (the size of ant poo) these women are right – and Naghmeh is an adulterous, lying, revengeful, vindictive, wanton creature of the night being threatened by Isis, and when it all comes out, I’ll eat crow. That’s okay. I’m taking my chances and putting my money on Naghmeh.
You go, Natalie! You are awesome. I love how you fight for women when so many are bashing them.
Thank you, Sarah. I appreciate the support.
Good morning Natalie,
My wife follows your blog and often reads them outloud to me, but today I saw the email and read it myself and was deeply moved. It was an exceptionally well done article. I have a lot of thoughts and comments in my head concerning it, and they’re all in agreement with your points which is a pretty rare thing
I’ll share one of those thoughts. I look at my own heart, and past, and see different ways I’ve manipulated those around me; with a look, a comment, silence, tears, whatever it might be. And then I look at the ‘fulltime’ conmen, liars, cheats, and abusers I’ve met over the years, and I’ve been amazed at the lengths they go to perpetrate evil and cover it up. And I naturally felt a great gulf between them and myself. But what I want to stress is an agreement with you on the importance of exposing the darkness and lies with the light and truth of Christ. Exposing it wherever it lies, including in ourselves. This article was another call to the brethren to set our eyes and feet fast upon the way. It encouraged me to fear God. The exhortation was a wonderful blessing. So often we can be conformed to the worlds way of thinking, instead of being transformed by the Word of God, which is evidenced by the philosophies of those who you exposed. I hope they will humble themselves, and run fast to His Word. Psalm 119:9 “Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way? by taking heed thereto according to Thy Word.” and Proverbs 16:6 “By mercy and truth iniquity is purged: and by the fear of the Lord men depart from evil.”
One more thought. I had a brother in Christ who was committing adultery and was in the process of moving in with the woman. He still wanted to meet with me for Bible study, and then got angry when I said I couldn’t, unless it was of a repenting nature and he wanted to look up scriptures to that end. I still wrote him scriptures to admonish him but I would not fellowship with him. It was to make him ashamed, “And if any man obey not our words by this epistle, note that man, and have no company with him, that he may be ashamed.” 2 Thes. 2:14 and I let all our friends know what I was doing and why. It was not easy. God bless you sister for standing on His Word. In Jesus, Matt
Thank you for taking time to comment here, Matt. I’m always encouraged when I see men advocating on behalf of women. You brought up an important truth when you pointed out that we are all manipulative at times. It’s our sin nature. The difference between a Christian and an abuser is that the Christian is self-aware and repentant of their sin, embracing the power of the cross and Christ’s righteousness as their covering. The abuser is unable to examine himself, is always right, and therefore is not in need of repentance. They miss the gospel because of their pride. The experience you shared at the end illustrates this perfectly. Thanks again for your comment.
Woops! My wife just read what I wrote and noted that my line about not often agreeing sounded like I meant not often agreeing with you
I didn’t mean that at all.
No problem. I didn’t even catch that!
Thanks Matthew Harding! Wish more Christian men would speak up like you are!
Yes, please pray for us, and the boys who will one day have to stand. One of my most painful memories of childhood was when I didn’t stand for a friend who was being taunted, still worse, in a moment of fear, I denied that he was even my friend. He never trusted me again.
Twice before I did stand, which turned into me being beat up, and then bullied for a year. Yet I look back on that whole experience and feel so thankful that I still stood for the oppressed, despite the difficulties it brought on me. Whereas the failure to stand, brought no painful, recurring bullying, but that failure still troubles me 30 years later.
Thank God for His mercy and strength.
You’ve become a very angry person, twisting your reader comments. Giving an accuser power is NOT the same as giving an abuse victim power. Not even close. It is not choosing sides to withhold support from either party until the truth is known. (The truth may never even be known by the public.) There is such a thing as a neutral position. It’s too bad your blog has gone in such a condemning direction, I’ve been a fan for years.
No, I didn’t twist their comments. I untwisted them so people could see the lies underneath. My problem isn’t that I’m angry. If anything, I’m not angry enough. My anger could never come close to God’s anger when people defend abusers and throw victims under the bus.
It’s interesting that you say, “There is no such thing as a neutral position.” Do you realize you just contradicted yourself? In an earlier comment on another blog post you say there are two sides to every story (arguing in favor of a “neutral” position), and now you are saying there is no such thing. Which one do you believe? I believe you are right this time. There IS no such thing as a neutral position, and since you’ve chosen not to believe the victim, you’ve cast your vote in favor of the abuser.
God is the One who condemns sin. But His children need to be Truth tellers and call it what it is. If that makes my blog a “condemning” blog in the eyes of a few, then so be it. I’m not looking for fans. I’m looking in the eyes of my Savior.
Just a note: I am in no way aligning myself with Molly’s comment; however, I’m afraid she has been misquoted. She actually said, “There is such a thing as a neutral position.” (See above.) You quoted her as saying the opposite. While I do not agree with her comment, I didn’t think she deserved to be accused of contradicting herself when she actually showed herself to be quite consistent.
Thank you for pointing that out! That seeming inconsistency was baffling to me, but now it makes sense. I guess I need to read more slowly in the future.
Excellent commentary on this topic. I appreciate how you examined and dismantled these all-too-common myths that help to keep abusers in control of their victims. You’ve helped to shine light into the darkness.
Molly, you are very ignorant about the dynamics of domestic abuse.
“THE MYTH OF NEUTRALITY
“Neutrality actually serves the interests of the perpetrator much more than those of the victim, so it is not neutral. Although an abuser prefers to have you wholeheartedly on his side, he will settle contentedly for your decision to take the middle stance. To him, this means that you see the couple’s problems as partly her fault and partly his fault, which means it isn’t abuse.” — Lundy Bancroft, “Why Does He DO That? — Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men,” p 287.
Neutrality effectively means you become an ALLY of the abuser. Why? Because if you take the view that both parties are contributing to the marriage problem, then you’re effectively saying “It’s not abuse.” So when the victim says she is being abused, you are saying she is lying.
Lundy Bancroft is one of the BEST authors to read to understand domestic abuse.
I was the victim of abuse. The ONLY man who told me immediately that “Donna, you did nothing wrong.” was my brother, a Christian and a cop. I cling to that because ALL other men said why did you call, why did you say no, etc. etc. Are you sure nothing else was going on to make him so mad at you? Including pastors, counselors. This was the FIRST time he had done something physical to me but he controlled me for decades through anger, moodiness, criticism and the silent treatment. I wondered FOR YEARS what I was doing wrong. There are 2 sides to every story all right. The right side. The wrong side. I’m not perfect but I was a normal sinful human being and he was a manipulative, arrogant, religious Controller who did not have any insight into his own problems. He still doesn’t but I have been divorced for 4 years and do not regret one second of finally getting away. We were married for 31 years. My children love him and I encourage them to keep having a relationship with their Dad. But I have a hard time being in the same room as him. My poor daughter-in-law is actually experiencing his control because they rent a house from him. I advise my son strongly to protect her first. Until someone goes through something like this, they do not know what they are talking about and should keep quiet. this was a wonderful post, Natalie, and it brought me to your blog. God Bless. Donna
Molly, the very first thing you say in your comment is “You’ve become a very angry person…”
So, right off the blocks you criticise Natalie for using the wrong tone, the wrong approach.
What you fail to realise is that Natalie’s anger on his issue is righteous anger. And your FAILURE to be outraged about the injustices that are being done to Naghmeh (and so many other Christian women who are victims of domestic abuse) means you are falling WAY short of godly principles.
When it comes to domestic abuse, the right outlook IS outrage.
The visible church at large must be indicted (accused) for the way it has been enabling domestic abusers. Those doing domestic abuse ministry need to call the church to explicit reforms and to indict those who have been enabling abusers, and this needs to be done with a spirit of outrage such as Jesus Christ, the Prophets and the Apostles demonstrated when confronting injustice and false teachers. Anything less is a failure of justice and truth.
( This is a quote from cryingoutforjustice.com/2015/01/05/non-negotiables-for-effective-and-biblical-abuse-ministry-2/ )
Also see: cryingoutforjustice.com/2013/05/06/lundy-bancroft-say-the-right-outlook-is-outrage/
And by the way, Molly, you have no proof that Natalie is a very angry person. That is a sweeping generalisation. What you do know is that Natalie is angry about the way many so called Christians are responding to the Naghmeh/Saeed story.
One of the characteristics of abusers’ language is that they make black and white statements. Sweeping statements. Over-generalisations.
And another characteristic of abusers’ language is that they falsely accuse their targets and try to demean and denigrate them.
Just saying.
Oh, thank you, Barb.
There is no such thing as “neutral” because by not siding with the victim, you are by default, siding with the abuser. To not stand against evil is to stand with it.
reminds me of a Bonhoeffer quote… silence in the face of evil, is evil itself, not to speak is to speak and not to act is to act…
Please don’t pull out any more of your nails.
The people who are suspicious, holier-than-thou, mad, etc. Will always be around; it’s not worth losing your nails over them.
But yep, I can understand your reactions!
Great article from your heart. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for standing up for Naghmeh. I appreciate your passion, your writing, your sarcasm and you humor. Your writings bring positives into my life. Thank you for that.
Good. My hope is that abuse survivors will know I’m in their court. If I can bring some positives to the hell some have been through – then I will have fulfilled my purpose. ((hugs))
Preach!!!!! I am 100% with you!!!
Woot! 😉
When I left my husband (now-ex) of 25 years because he was looking at porn and meeting women on the internet, it was the final straw in a long list of emotional, verbal, and spiritual abuse. I was beaten over the head by a few “Christian friends” who insisted that I had no right to leave…no right! One woman told me that I had no grounds to leave – even though she had absolutely no access or knowledge to what went on in my marriage. I was formally accused by the church we attended at the time with abandoning my marriage and my family (our children were all grown). They claimed that he had committed no real sin. When I asked them if their spouses would have accepted that argument – that he only looked but didn’t touch – I never heard back from them. They quietly removed my name from the membership rolls and never dealt with me. It seems to me that too many Christians and churches are quick to vilify the victim – many times the woman – in cases like this. I found out who really loved me.
I’m so sorry, Robin. It’s excruciating and maddening. I’ll tell you Who really loves you. Jesus Christ. The same Jesus who took time to make a whip and clean out the money changers in the temple. The same Jesus who said some harsh things to the Pharisees and made them want to kill Him. He knows everything that happens behind closed doors, and there will be justice one day. One day it will all come to light, and you will be vindicated. You and hundreds of thousands of others who have lost everything and suffered in silence just for telling the truth. May you feel His nearness while you wait for That Day.
My husband and I are currently reading Divorce & Remarriage: A Redemptive Theology, written by Rubel Shelly. It was written primarily for divorced persons who are condemned/judged by churches. It is enlightening and empowering.
I think you covered all the bases on this one! Thank you for speaking so clearly on this super-important (and horribly tragic) subject.
Privacy is nice, but it serves the abuser…it allows the pretense of “Happily Married” to continue…there’s an old saying – “Nothing changes if nothing changes.” Sometimes the abuser has to be moved out of his comfort zone so he can get out of denial.
“Confess therefore your sins one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The supplication of a righteous man availeth much in its working.” James 5:16 (ASV)
Amen.
Amen!!
Is this Steve Armstrong that I knew in North Jersey many years ago? Jan and Steve? Susan Hvidding Quigley
Ps Jeff Crippen says “Christians do not have the option of remaining neutral and thus choosing the side of evil. Our King has not given us that option.”
see cryingoutforjustice.com/2012/03/09/there-is-no-neutrality-no-innocent-bystanders-when-we-see-abuse-by-jeff-crippenevil/
Jeff’s book Unholy Charade: Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church is the best book for understanding domestic abuse in a Christian context.
Hear what Judith Lewis Herman says about the passivity of bystanders who think that by being silent they are taking a ‘neutral’ stance.
“The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma. . . . When the truth is finally recognized, survivors can begin their recovery. But far too often secrecy prevails. . . . Witnesses as well as victims are subject to the dialectic of trauma. . . . When the traumatic events are of human design, those who bear witness are caught in the conflict between victim and perpetrator.
“It is morally impossible to remain neutral in this conflict. The bystander is forced to take sides. It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering. . . The weakest one remains the losing party in this silent and unequal dialogue.
“In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. Secrecy and silence are the perpetrator’s first line of defense. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure that no one listens. To this end he marshals an impressive array of arguments, from the most blatant denial to the most sophisticated and elegant rationalization. After every atrocity one can expect to hear the same predictable apologies: it never happened; the victim lies; the victim exaggerates; the victim brought it upon herself; and in any case it is time to forget the past and move on. The more powerful the perpetrator, the greater is his prerogative to name and define reality, and the more completely his arguments prevail.”
(“Trauma and Recovery: The aftermath of violence – from domestic abuse to political terror” by Judith Lewis Herman.)
That quote is powerful. POWERFUL. Everyone needs to be aware of this dynamic.
very powerful indeed! and so true! you need a “like” button on here.
Great post. Thanks. I’ve drawn a couple of cartoons and commented on this story as well. I stand with Naghmeh!
Shoulder to shoulder with you, then! Cheers!
I understand that the whole reason this story became public in the first place was because Naghmeh shared details with people in her prayer group, and it was one of THEM that originally shared those details.
Also: I have heard “there are two sides to every story” from people who were abusers . . . and since then, that phrase makes my alarm bells ring.
I have no doubt that Naghmeh did–and probably still does–love Saeed. I also believe that she is a brave woman to speak out about the abuse she has endured. She needs support, not condemnation.
The “Irate Confused” said:
“…something else has happened, or she has been threatened….”
Yes. She was threatened by SAEED. Her husband Saeed threatened her a few months before he was released from jail. Naghmeh herself has stated this clearly. Here is a quote from her FB post on Jan 26 2016:
“Three months ago Saeed told me things he demanded I must do to promote him in the eyes of the public that I simply could not do any longer. He threatened that if I did not the results would be the end of our marriage and the resulting pain this would bring to our children.”
Source: https://www.facebook.com/NaghmehAbedini/posts/10153804515230767
Note the word DEMANDED. Note the word THREATENED.
Saeed DEMANDED she do certain things to promote him in the eyes of the public.
She was not willing to do those things any more. I fully support her liberty to make her own choices on matters like that. In the past, she had been willing (for whatever reasons) to promote him to the public. But she found that in all good conscience she could no longer do so. She took a stand for full transparency, truth and rightousness. I honour her! She was very brave to stand up to him and refuse to comply with his demands. She no doubt had experienced before the flack that comes when you stand up to an abuser! The way the abuser escalates his abuse, and adds new unexpected tactics to his arsenal.
Saeed THREATENED her that that if she didn’t comply with his DEMANDS it would be the end of their marriage. And he stuck in the guilt-pin by pointing out to her the resulting pain this would bring to their children. He made it sound like if the kids suffered, it would be HER fault.
Typical abuser tactics.
No need to posit ISIS or the Mafia as sources of the threat. The threat came from Saeed.
Excellent point of truth. Thank you for drawing attention to that.
Thank you for tackling the issue of domestic violence which is often ignored and denied in the church. I was in an abusive marriage for 23 years and recently divorced. Many people didn’t support me because the abuse was “just verbal” and he “never hit you.” People will say that “God hates divorce” but fail to acknowledge that God hates abuse! He didn’t stay in a situation where he was dishonored. He would leave that town and shake the dust off His feet. He went to the cross on our behalf because he is our redeemer. Women are not called to be redeemers in our marriages. It is Christ who is our redeemer, we are the redeemed.
I recoil when people say “There are sides to every story” and yet ignore court proof that he has been convicted in the past of domestic violence. People will also say that “It takes two to tango” and yet fail to realize that it takes two to make a marriage work and it only takes the behavior of one to destroy it. Thank you for standing up for abuse victims. Too often people say things like “God is in control” because they don’t want to get their hands dirty and stand on the side of justice. It is easier to play dumb, not get involved and put all the responsibility on God. Thank you.
Well said on all counts!
The Bible does not say “God hates divorce”.
Now before you write me off as an idiot, I agree that in Malachi 2:16, many Bibles have the words “I hate divorce, says the Lord God of Israel.” And I know that these words have been paraphrased and turned into the well known saying “God hates divorce.”
Mut most people do not realise that Malachi 2:16, the text which has given rise to this saying, has been mistranslated.
There are a few more recent Bible versions which have translated it much more faithfully to the original Hebrew.
Holman Christian Standard —
“If he hates and divorces [his wife],” says the Lord God of Israel, “he covers his garment with injustice,” says the Lord of Hosts.
NIV (2011) —
“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the LORD Almighty.
English Standard (ESV) —
“For the man who does not love his wife but divorces* her,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “covers his garment with violence,” says the Lord of hosts.
* Hebrew: who hates and divorces
For more info, see http://cryingoutforjustice.com/2013/10/24/god-hates-divorce-not-always/
My post was as follows:
I actually see Naghmeh Abedini’s position as, “Finally. Saeed is free in one way, and I’m inviting him to greater freedom.”
I see this as powerful and hopeful.
A friend, who was abusive at home, accepted a similar invitation to greater freedom years ago, and he is loving his life!
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
In all the things I’ve read about this situation, only one has mentioned that Nagmeh didn’t “bring this up”. She turned to prayer partners for support and help, and she was betrayed. As far as I can tell, that’s the only reason any of us know about this at all.
For that reason alone, I believe her, and I pray for her and her family and the restoration and healing of her marriage.
Isn’t that what it’s all about?
Yes, she sent an email on Nov. 2nd to a confidential group of people who had corresponded with her in the past and helped with efforts to advocate for Saeed and said they wished to continue getting updates from her. The email said she was withdrawing from public advocacy because of abuse arising in part from Saeed’s addiction to pornography. Many people must have written back because she sent an email early the next morning confirming it was really her who send the first email and explicitly saying THREE times (including in the title) to keep the former email completely confidential. Most of the stories broke Nov. 12-14, so apparently someone on the email list broke the confidence even after the second, explicit email. And then (if I recall correctly) no story mentioned that the original email was supposed to be confidential. The stories usually said “in an email to supporters” when really I think they should have said “in a confidential email to supporters.” Probably the news organizations saw both emails, unless someone chose to edit out the references to confidentiality before forwarding the emails to protect themselves.
Either way, I felt very bad for Naghmeh since she is being blamed for publicly exposing Saeed when in reality she sent confidential emails and someone betrayed her trust. So the person who actually decided to publicly expose Saeed was whoever forwarded the email to the media, not Naghmeh herself.
I think Christians often tend to think in black-and-white terms and have trouble with the in-between. But everyone has good things as well as sin in their lives, so any hero also has failings, sometimes private and other times public. But people often latch onto a hero, celebrity, etc, and begin to believe they can do no wrong. Thus, it seems to be hard for people to accept that someone like Saeed is a hero for standing for his faith yet has some serious sin issues in his life as well. For them the only way to solve this cognitive dissonance is to marginalize Naghmeh’s claims.
Amen! Amen! Amen!
I was in her shoes to some degree (no husband in Iranian prison). The church and family and friends didn’t want to listen until he finally threatened an elder. 3 years after they told me to just stop exaggerating and/or forgive or let God deal with him.
THIS ARTICLE SAYS IT LIKE UT REALLY IS. AMEN!!!
In order for the church to become a safe haven for all who come, any situation that threatens that sense of safety (abuse being the obvious example) needs to be brought out to the light. Allowing abuse by covering it up is already detrimental to the victim and will become detrimental to the church as a whole. No one needing refuge will see said church as an alternative and those who perpetrate the abuse will see it as a place where they can get away with it. You can see what you’ll end up with, right? At that point is it even a church that reveals Christ to the world? Not the Christ I’ve come to know and love. He is a refuge for the poor, a shelter from the storm, a father to the orphan, a healer to the broken, defender of the weak, a fountain to the thirsty, a lover for the lonely. He is glorious and so is His church when they allow Him to shine through.
Shalom
Yes!
People keep forgetting that Naghmeh did not make Saeed’s abuse public, she wrote a private email asking for prayers, as anyone in her situation does, when they need help and support. Someone she trusted leaked it to the media. And frankly, I don’t think she should keep it secret. The only person served is the abuser. People need to stop this idolatry of Saeed thinking that just because he was imprisoned he is sinless. He is human just like the rest of us. and personally I think his reactions to her, pretty much calling her a liar, is very telling. His police record speaks for itself.
Wow. Thank you. I’m lost and abused every day and you and those at http://cryingoutforjustice.com are helping me see the truth. Thank you for writing about Naghmeh and looking at what those comments really say. I can’t thank you enough for standing up for her and in this way you also stand up for us.
I personally have to question the Christianity of “some women.” Perhaps they did not read an earlier post that Naghmeh had made. I certainly don’t recall word for word, or the date, but it was one in which Naghmeh shared that God had revealed to her that she must “come clean” about things that have been hidden. I believe Naghmeh is very much a woman of God. She set an amazing example for all of us during the past 3 1/2 years. I respect her and love her so much for everything she did to free Saeed. I believe it was her duty as his wife and as the mother of his children. But most of all, I believe she has done what God has guided her to do. Period. I keep the entire family in my prayers.
Thank you. Thank you! THANK YOU!!! I wish emotional abuse was taken as seriously as physical abuse… But since physical abuse isn’t taken an that seriously, I guess there is a lot of learning needing to happen in the church. Praying for Naghmeh and grateful for your words. The very BEST I’ve read on the matter. Thank you!
Natalie you make too much sense. I felt like I needed a drink and a smoke after reading so many of the same repetitive comments in different articles. There are many forms of abuse (physical, financial, mental, emotional, sexual, and their own many forms) and it is no fun, as once a victim, to be doubted let alone ridiculed, belittled, and judged. Though I don’t believe Naghmeh needs defending – she’s a powerhouse of a woman – I do believe a sister in her corner to tag herself in to throw a few well aimed punches for her is worth shouting for. Hallelujah!
She really is! God picked the right woman for the job, that’s for sure.
Thank you for writing this. It is wonderful to read such supportive words. So many in the “church” just don’t get abuse. Victims are often further victimized by so-called brothers and sisters in Christ. It’s truly sad when victims get more support from the world than they do from the church.
thank you, Dear….I appreciate your insight–even the sarcasm!…I hope we see the need to PRAY for on another…before we EVER begin to give our opinion….on any sort of media…or ANYwhere!
How could Naghmeh possibly have kept this issue a secret anyway? Does anyone really think that she could pull back from advocating for Saeed without any explanation, and then not meet him for a photo op when he got off the plane and file for legal protection without anyone catching on? Or are they really saying that she should have continued to pretend that all was well?
Articulate, factual and necessary. Thank you, Natalie, for standing up to ignorance and evil. Naghmeh did what the Lord wanted her to do, which included fighting for Saeed’s release, and continued to follow His lead which was to protect herself and her children. Still praying….
What Naghmeh did is a picture of what Jesus did. He laid down His life for us, we betrayed and crucified Him and He still fought for our freedom. His spirit also brings conviction of sin and righteousness by bringing things to light, so that Truth will set us free. And God’s kingdom is still persecuted by the religious law keepers of the day, because it immediately points an uncomfortable finger into the dregs of our human hearts…yes, I too am guilty and yes I need to humble myself before the King I crucified and ask Him to also forgive me and clean me. Yes, I need to sack the self made cover and take on the robe of Christ’s righteousness. Naghmed simply reminded us again of our own brokeness and our need for a perfect sacrifice, the Lamb provided by God Himself. Those brave enough to acknowledge their need for such a great salvation brings immediate truth to false righteousness and pride raises it’s hackles!
I am so grateful to God that this abusive, immoral behavior is coming into the light. I have studied the effects of porn in the Church, in marriages, in men and I’m appalled at the epidemic levels and the horrendous fruit of it, including numerous types of demeaning and dehumanizing abuse. and I believe this evil should be public/exposed to lose it’s power and to warn people…
the only reason not to go public would be if it further harms the victim and if they choose not to go public, but it’s THEIR choice, and no one should intimidate or manipulate them into keeping it quiet to protect someone else’s reputation or whatever reason. God’s way is in the light! He does not keep evil secret. The enemy’s ways of secrecy and cover up of abuse and immorality in the Church has gone on long enough! That’s why we are looking at epidemic levels of it being exposed. God is doing a cleansing work, and He is starting with His Church, His people.
You are right on the money. Many people forget the fact that you have to stand up to evil and call it what it is. When darkness is exposed it’s not just for the victims sake it’s also for the abusers sake. The Lord can’t deal with someone if they refuse to admit their evil ways. He uses the opportunity to convict and if the abuser refuses to change or even admit it, it gives Him opportunity to hold them accountable and apply the correct punishment after all justice is in Gods nature. He wouldn’t be a good loving father if He just let them get by with it. Not to the victim most of all or to the abuser. It’s a scary thing for the victim to make known what’s going on especially if it’s physical abuse and if they don’t have the funds to leave and take care of themselves. Thank you for speaking out on this subject! God bless you.
Natalie,
As a friend of both Naghmeh and Saeed since 2004, and one who has walked closely with Naghmeh especially during this past 3 weeks of ‘the Saeed-Naghmeh situation’ and subsequent stone throwing, I thank you for your incredibly candid and insightful blog. You are right on, on all counts. Your comments about taking sides or not, confirmed what my Pastor/friend told me (reproved) about my soulish and wrong conviction of not taking sides. In essence, that I MUST stand with Naghmeh on the side of truth and light, and against the darkness that has our friend, Saeed, bound. So, thank you!
Thank you for an inside viewpoint.
Thank you for this powerful post. As an abuse survivor, I agree with everything you shared here. In the court of public opinion where abuse is involved, it will almost always be the victim who is on trial, but I will never understand why.
Naghmeh has a right to speak her truth out loud. Keeping her secrets would only enable her abuser even more – especially one in the public eye. If no one believes her now, and she instead chose to keep her secrets and play the game and come forward six months or a year from now, who would believe her then?
I see no reason to disbelieve her, and what she needs is our prayerful support, for strength and wisdom to walk in the truth and the light of God’s love in spite of the forces that tell her to be quiet and conform.
“Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them…” Ephesians 5:11
If no one believes her now, and she instead chose to keep her secrets and play the game and come forward six months or a year from now, who would believe her then?
Exactly. And I will never understand why either.
Natalie, you are amazing!!! Thanks God for women like you who stand up for the abused women out there. I am so glad I found you. I find so much clarity and understanding from your posts about the abused marriage I was in, but thanks God now I am free and I can see clearly what happened by educating myself and hopefully to help others in this situation. Thank you for bringing light to this evil in christian communities!
Thank you, Ana, for the encouraging words.
Exactly
Wow Natalie. A brilliant and lucid post. Thanks for saying it – for saying it all. And not traipsing around a sweet little circle. Now that’s real cutting edge and extremely rare to have this issue spelled out so beautifully, emphatically and empatheticly. I totally understood it, you did to write it, and for all the women who also did, this was a breath of fresh air.
Thank you, Julie.
Agreed….my husband had a 30+ year addiction to pornography. During those years, while married to his first wife, he also raised two remarkable children, served as a deacon in his church and co-taught an Adult bible class. His c0-teacher in that class is also now divorced. Both men were, and in my opinion, still are, exemplary people. Neither cheated on his wife, abused his wife or children, or engaged in any other number of harmful behaviours [first wife of both agree with this statement]…so when news of his addiction, accompanied by affair, divorce, remarriage became common knowledge in our small world, some were considerably “shocked”. [for lack of another word] Same reaction for news of co-teacher’s divorce some years later….we are all sinners in need of God’s grace every moment of every day.
My heart belongs to Jesus, and it cries for my sister, Naghmeh, and her two children. There is no doubt in my mind that what she has confessed has taken place. Her unselfish nature is love & truth. I’m very disappointed that those of us who are supposed to know the truth are not recognizing it. God will be exhaulted! I love you both!
Another thing no one is talking about is the high risk of him having some degree of PTSD after being held and tortured for years. Take a man who has always had a temper problem (which is obvious if he already had plans guilty to abuse before), put him in a situation like that, and he’s bound to come out more unstable and the risk increases a lot. If she wouldn’t have told her side publicly, her husband would have, talking about how after all this time she was keeping his kids from him and how horrible she was for that. She is doing what she has to to protect her kids. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him. That doesn’t mean that fighting for him was for show. It means she is honest about making sure he gets help he needs.