As I shared in my recent post, I am going to simply show up on my blog and write. Nothing fancy. No “ten steps to This” or “five easy ways to That.” I’ve got you pictured in my head, and I’m writing to You. Nobody else. Just You. Get your coffee (I’ve got mine) and let’s go.
Last week it finally struck me upside the head. I’ve been trying to fix my marriage. Feeling the need to make this thing work come hell or high water. I’ve been trying every which way to explain the problem to anyone who would listen and be able to help, and it’s gotten me nowhere.
Well, that’s not entirely true. Since I stopped playing my role in our destructive marriage, things have changed. Not for the better – yet – or maybe never – but they have changed. And change has been a relief, at least. We are both in private counseling. I read the Boundaries book (one of the most life-changing books I’ve ever read – I’m reading Boundaries for Kids right now and loving it), discovered they were sadly missing in our marriage and in my life in general, and I set some up for myself. That’s made a difference. I’m still tempted to let everyone in (or out, as the case may be), but at least the outline is there, and I’m slowing fortifying it.
Here’s the thing. I don’t have to fix this marriage. I can’t fix it. I can do what I can do though. I’ve made my case. I’ve communicated all I need to communicate to those who can help. And the rest is up to others. I recognized my own need to control outcomes. My husband needed to do such and such. Helpers needed to do this and that. I demanded that God give me a great marriage with a man who loved me. But what if that isn’t what God was going to do in my life? What if He was going to take a bad situation, and instead of the happy ending I wanted, He was going to do something totally different? It doesn’t matter that I can’t imagine what the “different” might be, or that it scares the bajeebers (when I do a spell check of that word, it gives me “barkeepers.” Um, no.) out of me.
At first I thought, “Hey, that really sucks. Because many Christians think all marriages have to be amazing or at least look amazing in order for us to glorify God and His design for marriage. (Also, they don’t like the word “sucks.”) So, God, if you don’t mind, I’d like to fit into that paradigm because it would be a heck of a lot more comfortable than this broken marriage business.”
But after about three weeks of total and utter turmoil, thinking I had to convince people of the truth, a small voice said, “Why? Let it go. Quit trying to control outcomes. Do what you need to do – and give others, like God, your husband, the Helpers, the freedom to do what they want to do.” End of story.
I must have let go, because I can’t describe the flood of relief and peace that washed over me. My focus totally changed from trying to convince God and others – to simply resting. And I’ve been resting ever since. (Except when my ADHD daughter is flipping out. There is no resting when that happens.)
I had to write down what I could do – and what I couldn’t.
My List of Boundaries
What I can do:
- Be honest and tell the truth when asked.
- Let others make their own decisions about what to believe or not believe.
- Set up my own boundaries of what kind of change I am looking for in order for reconciliation to take place.
- Tolerate the disapproval of others who do not agree with my boundaries.
- Be compassionate and kind.
- Serve.
- Be grateful for the small things.
What I can’t do:
- Change someone’s mind.
- Make choices for someone else.
- Control outcomes.
What I shouldn’t do:
- Worry.
- Panic.
- Fear.
- Be dishonest to make others happy.
- Live in La La land.
- Give in to the temptation to compromise just to have a “normal” life.
So I’m going to sip my coffee now and let you talk. Let’s visit in the comments section:
Oh so beautiful. I just finished the Boundaries Workbook (after being attached to the Boundaries book for the last year) and what an amazing eye opener. It can be so so difficult to have and keep boundaries with any person in our life that we love. But I just read the passage recently where Jesus tells the man to go and sell all that he has and to follow him. And the man doesn’t. Jesus doesn’t change what he said – he lets him go. That is the toughest and most peaceful part of all of this – just letting go.
Again, thank you for your writing – much love and prayers to you.
That’s right. Jesus let a lot of people go – and nobody can say He didn’t love with everything in Him. Good reminder.
I have recently been diagnosed with an incurable and progressive eye disease. Try wrapping your head around that. And I could live another 20 years or so. How, with vision or not, I don’t quite know. But I am receiving the best care possible, and will have to let go for the rest.
I am so sorry, Karen. To lose something so precious is horrifying. We take things like our vision for granted. I am praying right now that God would cause this disease to progress slowly (or not at all) – and that He would make up for what you may lose with something more precious. I don’t know what that would be – but that is what He specializes in. ((hugs))
Natalie,
Thanks for sharing this. I’m taking the course, Make Over Your Mornings, and today’s lessons was on accountability. And you did that here in your post! You set your goals and made them public. Now you can rest, knowing that you stated your “deal” and where you’d like to be and where you’re frustrated, and how you will trust God and God alone. ‘Nuff said on that! Perfect.
I’m right there with ya, in marriage and extended family relationships. It gets way too complex when we think we can fix things or people. I’m so getting that these days. Somehow we were in that era or group of people who thought that by doing things a certain way, life would be perfect or at least better than “messed up.” I’m thinking God just wanted us all to rely on Him, trust and obey, and seek His face and the righteousness that only He can give us wisdom to live out…and that messes just come with being human!
Thanks for sharing, sister!
Love you, Terry
I think you’re right about that “era.” And about everything you just wrote.
I love you, too Terry. You are one of the first online friends to open up and share your own mess with me. Just what I needed back then.
I can hear the fear and anxiety in what you write here, so sorry that you are hurting. But I believe that the Binle tells us to give all of the problem to God. You should not attempt to hand over what you want to give up, but give it all to Jesus! And with thanksgiving, let Him know that you relinquish ALL the marriage to Him. If we know anything of God’s attributes, they include more than love, they include His holiness and justice. God’s will is going to be done in your marriage, but don’t fear that, embrace and accept it. Stop trying to fix you, fix your husband and children, let God do that. Trust. Praying for you.
Thank you, Carol. Beautiful reminders and encouragement.
Beautifully said, my friend. It will be exciting to see what God decides to do now that you’ve stepped out of His way. Though I might add, I’d bet money it won’t happen on your timetable. 😉
I’ll put my money on that too.
Today I love you and am praying for you.
((hugs))
Natalie, thank you so much for sharing this. I am literally in exactly the same spot you described. We are both in individual counseling attempting to see if we can restore this thing, but it isn’t looking good at all. This isn’t what I signed up for. This isn’t what I want for my precious kids. And yet, I can’t make him be the person we need him to be in order to be a healthy in tact family. So I pray, seek wise counsel, and wait…
Keep me posted.
Hi Natalie,
I have to say that I really appreciate your honesty in your latest writings. Sometimes we (I) hide these true feelings about life because we open ourselves up for criticism. It can be easier to just tell people that things are fine to avoid their judgments or disapproval. But I need to open myself up and let it go to heal. I have found that some people can’t/don’t want to hear about reality if it is sad, negative– they just can’t deal with it. But that’s how I have found my true friends. The ones who can just listen, not judge. You are not alone.
(Hugs),
Katie
Yes. Many of the people I have talked to over the past couple of years have told me their friend list got whittled down considerably. There aren’t very many safe people, but they DO exist. I think this community here is very rare, and I’m extremely grateful for the women who read this blog and have been supportive and kind. I think many of them are also going through stuff and are tired of pretending. Like you.
I think that was the hardest part for me, discovering how many people could not handle my boundaries, not with them, but with my now ex-husband. They didn’t live in my house or know what hell it was, but wow did they ever make it hard sometimes.
This is so true for many people in similar situations. Yes.
My pastor uses the word “sucks” in sermons – just heard it this weekend in fact. I think it’s a perfectly accurate way to describe the situation. Thank you for being real.
Heh heh!
You hit it out of the ballpark again. It has taken me much longer to process things, but when I finally reached the point of letting go, I felt like I might just float away with the lightness and freedom I experienced.
Finally I realize that this is all about knowing Him, and being conformed to the image of His Son, NOT about fulfilling my dream of having a godly marriage and family. Whew! What a burden of responsibility that lifts from my shoulders (that should have never been there in the first place). The Lord deals with these situations so much better than I. He knows exactly what it will take to bring me into the relationship I have always craved but mistakenly thought I had to make happen. I am so thankful.
I read a quote yesterday by Lore Ferguson that said it well: “Christ declared His intentions for you before the foundation of the earth. He called you His. Therefore you are secure, chosen, holy, set-apart, a royal priesthood, saints, sons, and daughters. There is no question. Walk today as if there was no question.
“He has also made a plan for work that doesn’t fulfill you, a husband or wife who doesn’t complete you, a local church that doesn’t seem to see you, friends who don’t seem to care enough about you, and every other disappointment you feel. His plan is Himself. If He gives you nothing you desire today, it is not because He wants you to lack, but because He wants to give you Himself. Trust Him.”
Keep looking to Him, Natalie, and keep sharing what He is teaching you. It is such an encouragement and balm to many.
– See more at: http://sayable.net/#.dpuf
Thank you!
Dear Natalie,
I’m so impressed by your lists. It has taken me years, and some counseling, to understand that we are not responsible for other people’s “stuff.” We must deal with our own reactions/emotions, but trying to take on even a loved one’s issues is too much.
I’ve spent a lot of emotional energy trying to make a close relative with Borderline Personality traits happy. For years I assumed that I was at fault for this person’s episodes. I finally learned (am learning) to set boundaries and to refuse to take the emotional baggage.
I love reading about the things that God is teaching you. This is such a painful journey, but I pray that your beautiful heart continues to stay soft and soak in the wisdom God has for you.
And thank you for blessing us all by sharing that wisdom!
Thank you for sharing, Cynthia!
Appreciating your honesty and that you are showing up and writing. I love your blog. May God sustain you through these very challenging days. I pray you have some friends close at hand who are standing with you and love you through these dark times.
I DO! I have a handful of women who are Jesus to me – including my flesh and blood sister, Raquel. She works with me at my business here in my house almost every day – and listens to my rants and provides a voice of reason. God’s timing on bringing her to me in this way was totally perfect and incredible.
I heard this song on the radio and thought of you! Kind of reminded me of themes from this post (which I had read the day I heard the song) and some of the comments written here (also themes from the previous post. Love God’s timing!) I found the song on YouTube. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dOgUjSW4agg
Yay! I love Plumb – and I love this song. Her music SO resonates with me and has played a role in getting me through the tough spots. I’m so glad you linked to this here so we can all enjoy it!
I did something similar to this recently…but since I am so visual, I drew a picture: concentric circles…the inside is what you can control (your reaction, taking care of yourself, etc) and the out side is what you can’t control (other’s reactions, other’s anger etc) I tried to post a picture, but I can’t….if you google “what I can control” circle (or anything similar) you’ll see plenty of examples of what I mean
Blessings, Nanci
I have seen that! Thank you!
Hi Natalie! Kudos’s to you… great boundaries!
Your article just spoke to the very heart of what I have recently gone through.
I have been separated for 2 years, though we would see each other regularly. I have been on a merry-go-round for many years with this man and he refuses to go to counseling. I decided to go on vacation, just walk the beach praying and singing to the Lord for direction, wisdom. I told my husband to think about our marriage and if he really wants to me married or not and that I would too.
My husband “trumped” me by going on a trip across the ocean the day before I got home thus leaving me stranded at an airport quite a few miles from my place (thank God for girlfriends!)….but with all of this, I came home to my apartment feeling more freedom, joy and peace than I have felt in a very long time. I’m learning to let go…(this has been a prayer of mine for several months!)
My husband is going to be gone possibly, he said, for 2 months… I pray he means it! It feels good to breathe again! Yes, counseling is in my future and boundaries are being repaired and strengthened! My life is in HIS hands and there I will rest. Praying for you! Thank you, Sherry
Oh wow. I’m glad you are getting a break. Counseling is good. I hope you find a skilled one! Keep me posted.
Another amazing book by Henry Cloud is Changes That Heal. He talks about developmental issues like bonding, differentiating, learning to deal with the good and bad in yourself, and growing up. It’s helped me understand the struggles we all go through better (and I’m offering myself and others a bit more grace).