The following is an excerpt from chapter two, “Tracing God’s Hand” by Jeannette Paulson in the upcoming book, Three Decades of Fertility: Ten Ordinary Women Surrender to the Creator and Embrace Life.

For as long as I can remember, I have loved dot-to-dot pictures. What initially looks like a bunch of random dots and numbers begins to take shape as you connect the dots. I have seen pictures made of 1,400 dots. Similarly, events in our life sometimes appear random, but they are not.

The psalmist in Psalm 57:2 says, “I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.” Based on this verse, Puritan John Flavel encourages the believer to take note of God’s hand in his life and to record it. He promises that in doing so we will be ravished by God’s wisdom, tenderness, and protection.

I have not always traced God’s hand in this way, but the writing of this chapter is my resolve to make amends. In it I trace God’s providential kindness and help in my childbearing years. My story will not be your story, but I hope you will see the faithfulness of God to me and draw on that unchanging faithfulness for yourself.

Before I trace His kindness in my childbearing years, however, I need to step back and give some background. I was most comfortable as a scholar. Books are safe. When I was young I hoped I might write. That way I would be in charge of the story.

The world appeared a dangerous place with many things to fear. As a young teen I had vowed never to marry, and as a college student I had vowed never to let children interfere with my career. Nothing was going to put a crimp in my style. Nothing.

But I had not reckoned with God. He has a way of unsettling the best-laid plans. At a friend’s house on a college break I randomly picked up a devotional by Martyn Lloyd-Jones. Some portions were on depression, and Lloyd-Jones understood it. Because I have struggled with depression, my hungry heart drove me to read more. I found Spiritual Depression: Its Causes and Cure in a used bookstore and later bought several volumes of Lloyd-Jones’ sermons on Ephesians 2. On a summer break I set about to read and take notes.

I had grown up in the church but viewed sin mostly as dramatic things like hijacking airplanes and leaving your spouse. Yet God began to convict me of my love of honor and my lack of love for others.

When Lloyd-Jones said that one has to be lost before he can be found, I suddenly saw with Job some of the “terrible majesty” of God and was deeply ashamed that I had loved my honor more than His. I felt His presence as never before. It was a sweet day. Finally I had someone bigger and more glorious to live for than myself, and I sensed that seeking His glory would be infinitely more satisfying than seeking my own.

I gave God all of my dreams, put my hand in His, and resolved to follow. Now I knew I was part of a bigger story of which He was the author. I began my journey in learning to trust.

For the first time the Bible was living, and I wanted more of it. I enrolled in Reformed Bible College where I met the man I would later marry, although at this point I still saw my future in terms of singleness. But now, rather than some prestigious career, I was thinking of being a single missionary. Doors to go overseas closed decidedly, and I went home to Canada to learn to love my nearest neighbors—my family.

At a conference I attended, Elizabeth Elliot challenged the audience to read Mary Pride’s The Way Home where children are viewed as a divine calling, and fertility is viewed as an integral part of Christian marriage. She exposed the bogus claims of overpopulation and the decided bent in our culture against children.

Over against this, she set the biblical view of children as a gift and a privilege, a glorious calling by which we could glorify God. Nothing smaller could have induced me to put my fears behind and open my heart to being a mother at home. Shifting gears took time, thought, and prayer.

Unknown to me, Harlan, the man I had met at Bible College, was reading the same book. When we renewed contact, the book launched us into a discussion about marriage and children. We decided that we would marry with hearts open to children.

This commitment I made by faith. From my youth I had dreamed of career—not children, and I did not feel confident. I felt weak, dependent, and afraid. It was a hard but good place to be.

I hung on to Matthew Henry’s words from his Concise Commentary, “Children are a heritage, and a reward and are so to be accounted blessings and not burdens; for he that sends mouths will send meat if we trust in him.”

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I want to invite you to learn more about the book, Three Decades of Fertility, HERE.

Read another excerpt HERE.

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