Looking Back at My Two-Year Metamorphosis

metamorphosis

I’ve undergone a major metamorphosis over the course of the past two years. The other day I got to thinking about all the things I’ve done or am doing now that I would never have dreamed of doing a few years ago. Let me be clear about something before I begin: I am not encouraging any or all of you to follow in my footsteps. I’m just giving you a glimpse into my life because I don’t want you to think I’m someone I’m not. I realize this list may tempt some to conclude I’m a rebellious, heretical, prodigal child, depending on your personal convictions about things. I’m not. I’ve never felt more secure in God’s love, actually. So with that as my jumping off place, here they are in no particular order:

  • I used to read books and write articles about home education. I believed home education was the best choice for everyone.

Now I’ve got some kids in private school this year, and all but one will be in private school next year.

  • I used to be anti-medication and anti-immunization, preferring herbs and gutting it out.

Now I have a daughter on ADHD medication, and my kids are finally all caught up on their immunizations. I still like herbs—in my soup and my soap. And some days are all about gutting it out. But I am grateful for options. I believe in having choices and respecting the choices of others.

  • I used to think to be humble meant to believe I was worthless.

Now I believe it means I am valuable because of my identity in Christ (what is more valuable than that?), and those around me are just as valuable.

Now I know that if I don’t breathe in oxygen first, I won’t be able to hold the oxygen mask for others to breathe. I am to love others the way I love myself. If I have a healthy respect of myself, I will have a healthy respect of others; recognizing that we all have strengths and weaknesses—and that’s okay.

  • I never used to miss church for any reason other than illness.

I haven’t regularly attended church for almost a year now. I’m finally getting back to it, but for a long time I couldn’t go due to the fact that a few people were encouraging my husband along his destructive trajectory and vilifying me because I wouldn’t enable him anymore. It was too painful to go, and honestly, I needed to know that God loved me even if I didn’t go to church. I found out He did. He finally brought me the help I needed, and now I’m safe to go back into the water. It was a necessary step in my personal walk with Christ, and now if you miss church because you’re in pain, I won’t be first in line to lecture you. I will, however, be first in line to give you a hug and pray for you.

Now I know my identity as a woman is in the Person of Jesus Christ regardless of whether or not I’m married, have children, or put down roots here on earth.

  • I used to believe that no matter how badly your husband treated you, it would only glorify God if you stuck it out and stayed. You had to lie to yourself and your church about your private life, pretending you really did have the awesome Christian family everyone (including you) had to believe you did.

Now I’m separated from my husband, and I’m getting help and healing emotionally and spiritually. And I believe walking in truth, however painful, is more glorifying to God than lying.

  • I used to read Christian non-fiction, non-stop.

Now I also read things like The Brothers Karamazov, Hannah Coulter, The Invention of Wings, These is My Words, and The Nazi Officer’s Wife.

  • I used to listen exclusively to Christian music.

Now I’ve added the music of Sara Bareilles, One Republic, The Band Perry, Kelly Clarkson, and Coldplay, among others, into my Spotify playlists.

  • I never used to watch TV.

Now I watch an hour of a TV series with my older kids almost every night before we go to bed. I put the little ones down at 9:00, and then my big kids and I pop popcorn and relax in front of the “boob tube.” We’ve worked our way through Lost, Sherlock, Downton Abby, Cranford, and Little Dorrit, and now we’re working on Lie to Me and Prison Break. Don’t those sound edifying? (Ha!) We’ve made some fun memories this way.

  • I never used to exercise.

Now I’ve got 6 months of Jazzercise under my belt, and I just switched over to Curves. If you want my take on the differences (just for fun), here they are in a nutshell:

Jazzercise is a blast, and you seriously sweat. You also have to shake your booty and do the mambo. I’m not very good at either, having had zero practice in my conservative Christian life, but I did get to the point where I could at least blend in. They have one hour classes on a schedule, so you need to find classes that work with your own schedule. This was difficult for me with my busy life.

Curves is more sedate, but it strategically targets all the muscles in your body and gives you aerobic and strength training as well as a great stretch out at the end. It only takes 30 minutes (much more realistic for me) to go through the circuit twice and do a stretch at the end. You can go anytime you want to. For me, Curves was closer in proximity to my house as well. This makes it a better option at this point in my life. No booty shaking either, so my sensitive conscience is less bothered. :)

  • I rarely purchased anything for our home because I thought it required my husband’s permission and approval, and I rarely had that.

Now, using money I’ve earned through my home business, I’ve completely finished our basement all by myself (it was “finished” but was basically an unused space other than a place for the kids to trash with toys.) I also purchased a table for my kitchen. Every time I walk into these spaces I am happy. They are symbols of my growing up into adulthood. I now see it as a sad, unhealthy thing that it took 48 years to finally do that.

But that, right there, is the point of metamorphosis, isn’t it? The baby butterfly, still trapped in a round little caterpillar body, going to sleep and then struggling, struggling, struggling to emerge. The fighting to be free takes time. I’ve heard that when the butterfly works her way through the tiny hole in the chrysalis, it squeezes all the fluid out of her fat body into her wings. If you short circuit this process, the butterfly’s wings will be tiny and useless. She won’t be able to fly. Once she breaks free from the chrysalis, she needs to be patient a little longer. Waiting quietly in the sun. Resting in the beauty of being. The whispering wave of wings up and down. Patiently priming them for flight. Finally, she breaks through space, soaring on the breath of her Creator. Knowing she is loved, not because of anything she did, but because she belongs to Him. She doesn’t need to be afraid any longer. She is finally free to be all He meant for her to be.

What about you? Where are you at in your own metamorphosis? You can leave a comment by clicking here.

A mother of nine, homemaker, business owner (Apple Valley Natural Soap), and most importantly, a Wemmick loved by the Woodcarver.

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56 thoughts on “Looking Back at My Two-Year Metamorphosis”

  1. Natalie, I’m so happy for you! It sounds like you’re at an exciting stage in your life.

    And we love Sherlock and Lie to Me and Prison Break, too! :)

  2. This is such a great post. I love how you have grown in giving freedom to yourself and by implication to so many others to live and enjoy the world God has put us in. Christians are often the most uptight and joyless people around. And I loved Hannah Coulter and the books by Wendell Berry as well.

  3. beautiful, Natalie! Praising God for His work in your life as you know and live in His truth of your worth and beauty. It is a joy to be your friend!!!! I love you!

  4. I am so happy for you, Natalie! You don’t know me, but I am a long time reader and it is a joy hearing that God is moving you onward and upward. You are a STRONG woman (I’m sure you haven’t felt strong, but you are, it is so evident). I can hear it in your words. It takes such strength to come to some of the realizations you have and THEN be courageous enough to share it with the world. No doubt you are inspiring many and will continue to do so. God bless you and your family as you walk this road. :)

  5. The church is meant to be a community of believers in Christ and supporters of one another, wherever one is on this journey on Earth. If not, I see no reason to attend. This does not mean that one does not believe.

    • It truly is difficult for many people who can’t find a Christ-honoring, grace-filled church to attend. When church becomes a place where we are stabbed in the back over and over, it’s hard to see the point in going. I believe in regularly meeting with believers to worship our God. But I don’t have answers for those who can’t find a safe place to do this. I think there are online options now – but I realize this isn’t ideal either. It’s a sad dilemma for many people. I pray God will turn the tide, break our hearts, and increase our love and care for one another.

  6. Oh Natalie! Please consider this a hug!!! I am 10 years into my flight as a butterfly and I love how God has worked.
    The Church did not support my husband but I was surprised at the amount of people, (men and women) that asked me Why I Waited So Long to Leave. I calmly told them I thought I was doing the right thing by staying and then asked them Why Didn’t You Help Me?
    Stay Strong, My Dear.

  7. Dear, dear Natalie –
    I have not ever told you this. You used to scare me to death. I so questioned much in my own life for years because you seemed to have it all together. I had times of doubt….it was easy to fall into “surely I am not as good a Christian because I don’t believe homeschool is always best, I don’t have tons of kids, etc.”. I am so glad to witness this beautiful journey of yours up close. I am thankful you are now REAL. And I am so thankful that you are now no longer portraying legalism (Jesus AND homeschooling, Jesus AND 12 kids, Jesus AND eating organic, Jesus AND skirts, Jesus AND long hair, etc). But you are loudly shouting JESUS ONLY. Jesus paid it all. Jesus is enough. Praise God it is nothing of ME, because I am a wretched sinner in need of a great Savior. His grace is more than enough.

  8. “Knowing she is loved, not because of anything she did”

    I so hope and pray for the day more people realise THAT is what it actually is to be a Christian.
    For it is by grace you have been saved through faith, not of works.

    It is such a shame that the church generally seems to teach the opposite, whether they speak it from the pulpit or not.
    That, actually, you could never go in to a church and still be saved.
    Because let’s face it – often the best church is outside the building.
    Where the brethren gather together is what it says, not when they get together in a church.

  9. I can relate to most of this, all but the vaccines really. 😉 I’ve grown up and it feels amazing, all while most around me are upset that I’m no longer the little doormat. My husband and I almost separated but thankfully went through a great marriage course with mentors. He grew up too and we’re in a much better place. God did a great work in us! I don’t ask permission from my husband for every little thing, I don’t allow my family to push me around, I’m making choices and changes in my life that don’t fit the little Christian box of appropriateness. It feels really, really, good. I even have bleach blonde hi lights and my husband tells me I’m smokin’ hot!! 😀 I smile much more and can only hope that others will see the love of God through me as I shed the old husk of rules and fly in freedom. Keep on keeping on girlfriend!

  10. It gives me so much joy to read this! I am truly happy for you, Natalie.

    I too have branched out with television. Actually, Netflix, Amazon Prime, and Acorn. We still don’t have cable due to the prices and lack of stuff we like to watch. Love, love, love Acorn. I’ve made it through all the Poirot, Miss Marple, Rosemary and Thyme, Doc Martin (highly recommend that one!!), Inspector Morse AND Inspector Lewis. And probably a few more that I’ve forgotten. I’m an Anglophile, to say the least. 😉 My daughter and I share a love of Doctor Who. I just got her a t-shirt for Easter that says “My Boyfriend’s a Time Lord,” and she wears it proudly. And we put a bumper sticker on our van that says “My Other Ride is a Tardis.” Lol

    Enjoy every moment of your metamorphosis into freedom. I’m cheering you on.

    • LOL! I’ve never heard of Acorn. I’ll have to check that out. But yes, we love the Brits too, speaking of which, I forgot to mention that we saw Happy Valley. That’s an incredible series as well, but it is very dark. Incredible acting.

  11. I’ve also been on a similar journey of change. I also thought that my main job in life was to be a wife and mother… my womanhood or any ministry that I felt God was leading me to, didn’t seem to have any value. I found out my own value was in my Lord and Savior. It didn’t matter that no one else saw it. I also lost church, because after multiple affairs, unrepentant reconciliations which led to abuse, I was no longer “standing” for my marriage (not that I’ve moved on… just no longer praying to get it back – I know for now God has released me). I am standing up for myself… which I’ve never done… and no one seems to like my new found boundaries. It’s a funny thing to finally feel like an adult at 40 years old. 😉

  12. Natalie,
    Your article today brought tears to my eyes. I am just 6 months out in my separation and have only begun these processes. I can identify with each of them. It is embarrassing that I can now see my ugly pride. My judgmental thinking. I have been learning to let those things go. I have been learning to let MANY things go. And I am ever grateful for your website as well as the others that have let me know that I. Am. Not. Alone. Thank you, once again, for your candor. May the Lord continue to bless you in your journey. Prayers, sister. :)

  13. Natalie,
    Thank you for sharing your heart. I am absolutely thrilled for you. We are not defined by anything but by simply being his wonderful created child.

  14. I have been reading your blog for years and have always loved it! If I had read this post two years ago I would have thought you were a rebellious, heretical, prodigal child. However, there are many women around me, in many different churches, old with a dozen kids, young with only a few and women in between and they are all, including myself, going through the same metamorphosis. Coincidence? or God moving to bring this change?

    • It’s being preached on, too–woo hoo! :) Here’s a short blog post (and full sermon if you choose to listen) that stood out to me light of what Natalie’s been posting here-
      http://www.jdgreear.com/my_weblog/2015/04/the-church-needs-more-deborahs.html#more-16497.
      Thanks Natalie for bringing all of this to light for me… it has encouraged me to be thinking about whether or not I am truly finding my worth in Christ alone!

  15. I hope everyone who reads this will share it far and wide because it just may be the healing balm God uses to allow someone to begin to see the truth of how beloved they are.

  16. Good to let go. Be ware of miss balance in holding larger size without a husband that loves and supports you. My grandmother raised 9 single for many years and it was not easy. Feminism still remains a trap. I’ve been told by my in law ‘Christian’ ‘I could slap you’ and ‘I could pop you in the nose’……

    The only real method of dealing with extreme verbal abusive feminism is not going to a woman’s shelter to ‘hide away’ fro m the evil……. It is to state the evil stat events back to the speaker in such a way that they hear the venoms that they are brewing out of emotion and not of truth.

    Home education…. it is native American….. they had a tribe to support it. A widow to be there for wisdom (herbal and other wise). I would only suggest education out side the home if needed for short spurt age 9-12. Any more than that and the child is controlled by the culture and the clock, with higher potential for daughters to soak up STD culture, guardrail vaccine and potential earlier death. After twelve, work ethic needs developing as does private study skills. Amish have survived and lived joyful lives without gov’t’ intrusion into their lives for many years. Due to the fact they encourage good work ethic and independent thinking after age 12.

    As a side note beware of family curses with large family and ‘psychology teaching skills’….. a cousin of mine took his life and he was on psychiatric meds!! he went to a private school. Teach children how to daily LOVE reading the word and eliminate ungodliness from one’s home. I want to warn you…… because I know God loves you and does not want you to bury your children at an unnecessary age.

  17. This is a good read on some of the things you mention.
    Pure Pleasure: Why Do Christians Feel So Bad about Feeling Good? By Gary Thomas – $.99 on kindle.

  18. Thank you for sharing your metamorphosis, Natalie. I ponder now and then some of the things you’ve been writing over the last several months. You sound well, and I am glad for the healing you are experiencing.

    Several years ago, I went the same route as you describe regarding vaccinations — I decided to get everybody up to date. We’ve been back and forth on that, actually. Our first two got all their shots as babies, but I had second thoughts about that around the time my firstborn was due for his kindergarten shots, so we stopped vaccinating. (That was about 20 years ago.)

    Long story short, I changed my mind again about 10 years ago, and got the oldest two up to date, and started vaccinating the third, fourth, and fifth children, who had never had any shots. (My sixth child wasn’t born yet.)

    Unfortunately, my beautiful and perfectly normal-developing fifth child, 19 months old at the time we started his shots, spun into the deep, dark world of autism shortly after.

    That began an extremely difficult journey for our entire family, but by the grace of God, our son, now eleven years old, has come a long ways in his journey back to health. (We do not vaccinate him anymore.) He still has very pronounced delays, but the worst challenges he’s experienced on the spectrum are significantly reduced.

    I pray that that will not be a trial you will face in your family, Natalie.

    But your question to your readers, “Where are you at in your own metamorphosis?”, well, I am getting in touch with my musical side again. I started teaching piano last fall after an 11-year hiatus, and I perform in piano concerts in our area. And my brain isn’t so old and foggy yet that I can’t still memorize my music! :-)

    I enjoy the creative challenge of teaching music, and the thrill of piano performance. Music is my antidepressant. 😉

    Life is good, and God is teaching me new things all the time. I am grateful to be here, experiencing the Lord’s tender mercies every day.

    • My 15-yo is a pianist. She is gifted in that area. I hope she will be able to do what you do one day. Teach and perform – both. (Music is my antidepressant too.) Her teacher asked their class if they had to lose their sight or their hearing – which would they choose? Everyone in the class said their hearing, but Aimee. She said, “I could live without seeing, but I could never live without music.” I’m with her. I’m guessing you are too. :)

      • Absolutely. I can’t imagine a world where I couldn’t hear a Beethoven symphony, or a Rachmaninoff concerto…

        To feel the piano keys beneath my fingers and not hear the sound coming from the instrument…

        To never hear my children as they sing…

        Music is such a blessing from the Lord, and adds so much beauty to life.

  19. I absolutely love this post! So often in the Christian community you read about people condemning others for their choices to listen to “secular” music, watch TV, and send their kids to public school. What God’s leading you to choose for your family or yourself probably won’t look like everyone else. Sounds like a great metamorphosis!

  20. I really appreciate what another lady said in the comment: ‘The TRUE church is outside of a building’

    It is true. Spiritual freedom comes from ‘reading the words in red’ independently. The freedom really doesn’t come from obeying the words of men in Acts onward…… they just reflect on THEIR love for the words that Jesus spoke. We can do yoga, paint a picture of a beautiful olive tree, weave a basket, study arab, chat with someone in a bar, visit a Muslim woman’s household, explore what a native American POW-wow is all about and other things that ‘conservative Christians’ should not do.

    The puzzle of what it means to be a Christian according to the scripture….. is not outward appearances in………. it is inward appearances out. When it is that way, we begin to LOVE JESUS fully. He is that handsome undefiled, uncorrupt man at the judgment seat. We can still have strength to pray for our former spouse if they are still alive to love the LORD….. it will take that burden away. Our own sin, our own selfishness away by praying from God’s view point. By praying for man….. we get reward back from Blessings from holy spirit. There is good reason Christ said ‘pray for your enemies….’

  21. I am so happy for your new found freedom Natalie. I started my metamorphosis a little over 2 years ago as well. I am so free! I also had my children fully vaccinated and they attend school now as well.I have made it a priority to take care of myself without guilt. I did not attend church for about 3 months and even felt agnostic for a time. Now my faith is very basic; Jesus and love centered. It has been a hard road at times that included therapy but totally worth it. All the best on your journey! You are a courageous and inspirational.

  22. I know of many women who have gone through similar changes in the past two years. Is all this somehow related to the falling of Doug Phillips? It seems many followed his teachings so very closely and then felt totally betrayed by him once all the news came out. Do you think there’s a correlation?

    And beware of the lies of satan and feminism. Drench yourself in the Word daily and DEFINITELY find a solid Bible preaching church home for your family.

    Sherry

    • There could be a correlation on a spiritual level. I was already waking up to some things for a while before the DP thing, and it had nothing to do with that. But yes, I do think God is moving right now in those uber conservative circles. :)

  23. I had an abortion when I was 19 y.o. I was ridden with guilt. I had this list (like yours) of all these things I couldn’t do or had to do because of my huge sin. And then, Jesus rescued me! It was the happiest day of my life. I can still remember the freedom and joy that flooded my heart. Life and freedom in Christ!! Oh, Natalie, I am so happy for you. Glad to know you are basking in His love and finally free to fly. :)

  24. Thanks for posting. Just found this. It’s nice to not be alone in this journey. I too am in a metamorphosis. I am 120 days into a separation that only Jesus could have prepared me for. It’s challenging and exhilarating and scary all at the same time. I too realized that I needed to care for me first, or I would die. I stuck it out these last 10 years out of obedience to God. In that time, He worked on me and prepared me to be free. I have no regret since it was such a time of growth for me. But I am so grateful for the freedom I live in today. I gladly take the tears of freedom, and grief since I also feel the joy!! And the Truth shall set you free and you will be free indeed!! I asked people why they didn’t help and they said they did in the only ways they could – through prayer and encouragement. Until I was truthful for where i was i wasn’t ready. But when I admitted the truth, they were there to do what it took to rescue me.

  25. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably, Natalie.

    I am sad for what you have been through, and grateful for the great God we serve.

    I am sorry we didn’t get to sing together the last few years,

    Blessings to you.

  26. Pingback: Seven Simple Things I’m Doing to Infuse Joy Into My Life | Visionary Womanhood

  27. This article has been like plunging into cool, crystal blue water and resurfacing refreshed with a new vision for life! (Vs. all that legalism sucking the breathe out of your already stale air supply.)

    This is my first time reading your blog and I’m thrilled “Give Her Wings” made it known!

    I’m a fan!

  28. I’m sitting at my office desk and have NO doubt that the Lord led me to your sight. AMAZING I have goose bumps… we share the same like story and the same as the butterfly story, my journal looks alot like yours…. judging by the post except YOU HAVE 9 KIDS REALLY! heroic I have 2 girls and I love your BLOG LOVE IT!So Thank you for taking the time to follow your passions. I love that you bought yourself something new, I am in the midst of saving for my purchase,,,, so GOD BLESS And praise Jesus for taking us out of the cocoon and bringing authenticity in!

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