I got such hand-wringing comments on my Roar post (where I mention Katie Perry’s song) that I just HAD to do it again. This time it’s Rachel Platten’s Lone Ranger.
The first time I heard it, I was like, “YEAH MAN! That’s me. I’m a LONE RANGER! Nobody gonna hurt ME no more. I’m tough. I don’t need NOBODY.” I put on my bad face and did a few workout punches. Then I added that song to my workout playlist.
I was sick of feeling weak and broken. I wanted to feel strong and capable. I was sick of feeling rejected and abandoned. I wanted to feel like I didn’t need to be accepted or cherished anyway. No biggie. Just brush it off and saunter into the future with a steady eye and a set jaw. ALL BY MY OWN SELF.
I can’t remember now, but I’m guessing that by evening of that same day, I was crying in my pillow. Again. I don’t want to be alone. I never did. My greatest fear as a young woman was aloneness. What if nobody wanted me? I learned later that just because you’re married doesn’t mean you’re not alone.
One of the books I’m currently reading is Brene’ Brown’s Daring Greatly. Here’s what she writes about this:
Going it alone is a value we hold in high esteem in our culture, ironically even when it comes to cultivating connection. I get the appeal; I have that rugged individualism in my DNA. In fact, one of my very favorite break-up-kick-ass-no-one-can-hurt-me songs is Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again.” If you’re a person of a certain age, I’d put money down that you’ve rolled down the window and defiantly sung: “And here I go again on my own.… Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.…” If Whitesnake isn’t your cup of tea, there are bootstrapping anthems in every imaginable genre. In reality, walking alone can feel miserable and depressing, but we admire the strength it conveys, and going it alone is revered in our culture. Well, as much as I love the idea of walking alone down a lonely street of dreams, the vulnerability journey is not the kind of journey we can make alone. We need support. We need folks who will let us try on new ways of being without judging us. We need a hand to pull us up off the ground when we get kicked down in the arena (and if we live a courageous life, that will happen). Across the course of my research, participants were very clear about their need for support, encouragement, and sometimes professional help as they reengaged with vulnerability and their emotional lives. Most of us are good at giving help, but when it comes to vulnerability, we need to ask for help too.
(By the way, if you haven’t ever heard her famous TED Talk on vulnerability, here it is.)
One of Brene’s statements is “I’m enough.” As a Christian, I’d say that Christ is enough. More than enough. And because of Him, I’m enough too. But I can’t live without Him, and I don’t have to. You know what? I could never be a Lone Ranger because I’ll never be alone. Ever. And God has surrounded me with people who care. People who listen. Who help. Who share my burdens. Who listen to me loop over and over. Who rejoice (for me and for themselves) when they see the looping subside. Who pray.
We are not Lone Rangers. God will never leave us or forsake us – and there will always be someone who cares if we ask them to. That’s what the body of Christ is all about (the real body – not the weeds).
And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord. Hosea 2:19-20
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God… I John 4:7
This really resonated with me. My parents were never there growing up and I left home at 15.
I never wanted to be alone.
However, 4 years ago we moved to the UK and I knew I would be okay because as a Christian I could make new friends at church.
The church I settled at had lovely people in, very friendly and welcoming on a Sunday morning. They all knew I had just come from the far side of the world and knew no one.
Yet, in those 4 years NOT ONE person made friends with me.
It had been the saame in the church in NZ I left. I didn’t go with a husband, so people weren’t interested – it was too hard.
I don’t know what is wrong with the church that so many people would be so caught up in their own lives to ignore that?!
I invited every woman over to my home, I invited couples for meals, I invited families for meals. ,I took the widows out once a month for coffee.
I left once, but my oldest child felt so out of place where we went that I went back.
That was a year ago, and the church people knew why I had left, yet in that year – no one has still made an attempt to befriend me, not even one phone call.
One of those families I invited over even invited a ‘couple’ who came in to the church within only a few weeks of them being there.
It hurts, but I cope okay. It makes me wonder how much it happens though to others who don’t cope well, or aren’t even Christians when they come i.
A month ago I decided to go somewhere else and found a church with a lot of young adults and teens so my kids at least could feel they fit in – that is so important to me.
I would love your prayers that God would show me what is wrong with me that people don’t want to make friends and that in this church I might actually make a couple.
This is maddening to hear – and one of the reasons unbelievers hate the church and want nothing to do with it. When the church rejects people, they see it as God rejecting them. What a grief to Christ this has to be. He would never come over to drink your coffee and eat your coffee cake – and then forget about you. You should bring your boom box to church and march up front and play this song. Shock ’em. Then pass out some cookies and a tract. Just kidding. I will pray God gives you 1-2 authentic Christian women to connect with where you are. There is nothing wrong with you, Lisa. You are making efforts to connect. There is maybe something wrong with that other church, and it was probably a good move to just get out.
Lisa, My heart goes out to you, please know it’ NOT you! There is nothing wrong with you that people don’t want to befriend you. This is so common in the church, I will call it a disease in our churches. I have experienced this a little, with rarely being invited to do things, but I have a couple close friends I keep in touch with regularly in other states and this seems to fill my cup. I have had conversations with a couple friends, however, who have experienced this recently and their conversation with ladies at church have sounded like this – “I would love to have lunch with you some time”, or “let’s get our kids together to play together.” One friend said every week for about 5-6 weeks the same lady said “I would love to have you over for lunch.” My friend finally broke down in tears and when asked what was wrong said, “Do you have any idea how hurtful is and how rejected I feel that you have invited me over for lunch 5 weeks in a row but you have not once called me to set a date?” Good for her for being honest. My other friend has tried to set up a time for her daughter to play with other kids this summer and spend time with these ladies, who initiated inviting her to do something in the first place, yet no one will respond when she has reached out to them. The Lord showed me a few years ago to NEVER tell someone I will do something and then not follow through with it. This includes praying for someone. “I’ll be praying for you about this” is such a pat answer and the Lord convicted me and showed me I was doing this at times. Not because I was intentionally lying, which is what we do when we make a commitment and don’t follow through, but I just kept forgetting. Not okay. Of course there are things that come up or you may make plans and then have to cancel for whatever reason (weather, illness, etc), but to keep saying “Let’s do lunch some time” but never follow through is a huge stronghold in the church. For me to not reach out in the first place is also something I want to and am trying to grow in. It is also a huge detriment in the church that we (myself included) are not reaching out to others, especially those who are single and may be raising kids or don’t have immediate family around. Most of my close girl friends are in my life because THEY reached out to me. That is how afraid of rejection I was growing up and I am still learning to reach out to others and make a habit of it. When I tell someone I will call them, I write myself a note, & when I say “We’d love to have you over for dinner”, or my husband tells someone this, out of good intentions, I remind him that we need to follow through with our word. It sounds like you have tried to make plans with others, yet to no avail. I am so sorry this is happening and I know it is hurtful. It can feel like its’ us, or we think What am I doing wrong? I pray you will not see this as something you are doing wrong and that you will keep reaching out to others. I also hope and pray this is an area the church will grow in and choose to walk uprightly with the Lord in. That comes through people speaking up and maybe this would be a good blog post topic… to have discussion on. Blessings to you Lisa and thanks for sharing your heart.
Thank you so much Natalie and Paula. I so appreciate your kind words and thank you for your prayers.
God has also convicted me to make sure to never make a reply I don’t keep, but to ACTUALLY pray, invite, do, etc.
I do think that one of the reasons God brought us to the UK is because of this issue.
I was saved as an adult in a church where a lot of the people really made friends with whoever came in the church and as I am an extrovert, I find it quite easy to talk to whoever comes in.
BUT, because of who I am, I am also pretty good at saying what needs to be said – I think Kiwis are like that!
When I did go back to the church, I prayed lots to speak graciously to let people know why I had gone.
God has really been speaking to me lately that the way the world is going, it is time for more truth.
For example, I am at a new church. The first sermon was all about welcoming people. That day only one person said hello, and that was all.
It was heart breaking. I even knew the man doing the sermon!
The next week I went back and a woman said I must have come back because it was so good.
I was truthful and told her it hadn’t been, that no one had even spoken to me.
For me personally, it is time to not just give pat answers that don’t offend people, because if I had done that, would that have helped that particular woman? Or the others she perhaps told? What about the people she might now welcome to church instead of ignoring?
When I did go back I made sure to go and talk to others because I know a lot of people find it hard to talk to newcomers.
As for all the other people at my old church, I feel I should say something, but I am praying about if that is what God wants.
You are welcome Lisa, So glad the Lord is teaching you so much through this. I am learning to say “Lord, what do you want to teach me through this?”, rather than “Lord, why is this happening?” Enjoy your day ladies!
Keep speaking truth. In a world where most people want to be politically correct, as Christians we are called to be the salt of the world.
I’ve never heard that song before but your Roar post resonated with me and this one does too. It’s like a metamorphosis watching you become yourself. You’re a really awesome person! I’m finding myself too and the Lord is doing amazing things in us both.
You are sweet, Leigh. Thank you for the encouragement! I’m truly blessed to walk this road with you.
Lisa, I have experienced the same thing here in the US. In Brazil, where I became a Christian, people were more welcoming and actually reached out to me. I had many Christian friends and even a mentor who discipled me. But here in the US, it’s a strange land. I arrived here 14 years ago and only one person reached out to me in my church: an older lady who invited me over for tea with my first baby. Now with 4 children, she’s still inviting us over and shower the kids with love and gifts. She was my only friend. The only one that would hear my concerns. I tried reaching out to many people but like you people would greet me, talk to me but the outreach would end at church doors. :/ It took forever to connect with another homeschooling mom. I made friends with someone who was also out of town and had no friends here. The whole experience helped strengthened my marriage, and my reliance on the Lord. But it’s a lonely world if you focus outward. So remember to always look to the Lord and pray. He will bring along just the people you need.
Thanks for your encouragement Tereza.
And yes, I need to remember to focus on Christ – not looking in or out but up!
And also to remember to reach out and be the friend I want to others.