What do you think about anger? Some anger is destructive. It rages and revenges. But sometimes anger is just part of normal life experience. If you’ve ever grieved a loss, you know what I’m talking about. Here is one woman’s confession. There’s a lot packed in this short excerpt, and I’m hopeful that rather than causing us to feel uncomfortable, it will cause us to feel compassionate. And maybe the next time we have a chance to talk to an angry woman, we won’t give her 5,497 Bible verses about anger. Because what she needs is someone who will listen and love and act. Someone like Christ. And maybe that’s the answer to getting past the anger to the healing.
I am angry at all the churchy people over the years who kept me in an abusive relationship using Scripture taken out of context. I am angry at them because they made me believe that I wasn’t worth more. That it was OK with God that my children and I were being hurt. I am angry at about a dozen men who threw me back, time and time again, into a relationship from which they would probably rescue their own daughters.
I am angry that my parents are dead. They would have helped us. They would have rescued us. They would have loved us.
I’m angry at every single book I read, thinking that I was the problem. I’m angry with every preacher who preached a poor sermon on submission. I am angry at all the CD’s I listened to on “how to be a good wife”. I am angry that I never felt I measured up.
I am angry with my family. I am angry that they talked about me and not to me. I am angry that they don’t even want to know why I left. I am angry that I did the bravest thing I have ever done . . . and they have reduced it to a “mistake”. I am angry that they did not support me in any way. I am angry because you just do not marry an abusive person. For some reason, I did not think I was worth anything. I am angry that no one told me that I was. I am angry with them because they saw the times I was treated badly and they were too fearful to speak up.
I am angry at those who pity my children. My children are brave. And beautiful. And brilliant. And I am so proud of them. They have been through a lot and they will be strong, strong adults one day. I wanted to protect them — from a false view of love and from physical harm and from fear. They make me proud regularly. They need to be loved, just like everyone else. But, they don’t need pity; they don’t need people talking about them; they need to be admired and they SHOULD be admired.
I am angry that upon arriving in America, I discovered that our credit is in the toilet. I am angry that I cannot even open a checking account or find someone who will rent a home to us.
I am angry at all the friends I lost. Friends who accused me immediately of being selfish or being sinful or lying. Friends who sent long letters about how I need to stick it out. They might as well have written, “You are WORTHLESS, Megan. God WANTS you to suffer!” Those letters are worth crap (There, I cussed).
I am angry because my children are wounded. I am angry over the void in their lives.
I am angry at myself for letting it go on for so long. I am angry that I covered for my husband. I am angry with myself for not getting my children out sooner. I am angry that I am 38 years old and I am just learning what love is. I am angry at all the times I allowed myself to be manipulated and controlled. I am angry at myself for buying every line, every promise, for YEARS. What was WRONG with me?!
I am angry for every time I cried out to God and wept in the closet saying “Is this all I was created for? Is this all I am to you? Is this all I’m good for?”
I wrote this at a time in my life where I allowed myself to be angry for the first time in years. I had been angry when my parents died but was later told that it was sinful. In fact, it seems, to some, that any negative emotion is sinful. This is unfortunate, as anger is a natural part of grieving (as most know). Sadly, many who are following Christ are told that they cannot experience the full spectrum of emotion . . . emotion created by God and fully experienced by Jesus in plain view for us all to see. My anger was met with several letters and emails condemning me for this experience. Friends, this is wrong. We must, must, must go through this stage of anger or it will re-surface with a full fury later. There are things to be angry about. For the believer, revenge is not an option, nor is hatred. But a healthy anger is. And so is sadness. And these emotions have beauty in and of themselves for the Christian. They need to be expressed, poured out to Christ and dealt with.
Taken from Give Her Wings: Help and Healing After Abuse by Megan Cox.
Thanks For posting this. I spent about 20 years in an abusive Church where my sister and her then husband were Pastors. Most of my money went to the Church and to them. I was over $50,000 in debt ( not counting my mortgage). One day my sister up and left the Church after causing major ruckus in it and divorced her husband. She also stopped talking to me and took her son, who I loved dearly, and alienated him from me. I was single for all those years (divorced) and was constantly manipulated and harassed into not dating and not forming friendships outside the Church. Yes, it was a cult, but it took me many years to see that. I finally started dating after my sister left and fast forward to today, I am married over 4 years and, unfortunately, even though I had gone.through 12 step work for codependency, counseling and much prayer, I married a man with many problems who doesn’t want to deal with them. He binge drinks and I’ve had it with this last one. Time after time he’s promised me he’ll go to AA but never does. We start counseling and it doesn’t go anywhere. We haven’t even had sex in 5 months (this from a man who couldn’t keep his hands off of me). He’s on antidepressants and sees his Psychiatrist regularly but never tells him that he still struggles with depression so that he might change his meds. He goes to Church with me on Sundays sometimes and its usually a fight even though he is a Christian. He tells me he’s struggling with his faith; but, honestly he’s just struggling with everything and doesn’t want to do anything about it! I’m tired and drained, esp. after coming back from all the years of oppression that I’ve already lived under. I’m asking him to move out in a few weeks. I had informed him the last binge episode via a letter that the next time he chooses alcohol I’d be separating from him. Seeing that he hasn’t gotten any help, it was only a matter of time. I can’t say that I’m not feeling guilt because then I’d be lying. I’m somewhat scared, but I have been.financially preparing myself for this moment. I’m mostly scared because I have no family, friends, yes, thank God! A few very good friends and a good paying job which doesn’t fulfill me, but pays the bills. I want to live for Christ and not be concerned about the next time I might have to call the cops because my husband is drunk and screaming and cursing at all hours of the night disturbing the neighbors. It don’t want to live with someone who for reasons unknown to me, starts throwing things, cursing and saying how much he hates his life. I’m sorry he hates his life, but I’ve done so much to try to make it better for him and I’ve come to the realization that I can’t make it better because he doesn’t want it better. I’m sorry this is so long. Thank you for your writings, they have helped me. I obviously have lots of codependency issues still… And would appreciate your prayers. God bless you.
I’m praying for you. Have you checked out some of the resources on my About page? You are a beautiful creation and are loved by your Creator. I am praying you will find true freedom and joy in pleasing Christ alone and letting go of the need to please men. I’m praying for all of us.
Depression is an ugly monster that eats you from the inside out. As the person on the outside sometimes there isn’t anything you can do.
Soo good!
I am angry that men are no longer told to stand up and be men and first women must get out of the way.
Our family has a problem with anger, but only at home with each other. I bought the S.M. Davis Anger Series and we have gone through a few of the DVDs. One thing he said early on was that the only righteous anger is when God is offended more than I. The implication was that our sinful selves weren’t capable of anger other than sinful anger. Being married to an angry man I was shouting Amen in my head. In the case of abuse, however, God is very offended.
Tonight I will be praying for my sisters in Christ who feel hopeless in their abuse.