When I make a commitment, I’m 185% in. I pour all my passion and focus into whatever it is, and I work hard to make it as successful as possible. I’ve done this in any role I’ve ever had: student, waitress, teacher, board member, missionary, musician, wife, mother, homemaker, homeschooler, business owner, and writer. I’m not a quitter. And if something is of eternal significance, I won’t go down until I’ve exerted every last breath and ounce of energy to make a difference.
So learning how to end things has been excruciating for me. Letting go of things I believe are important hurts and makes me panic, but I’ve discovered that pruning is a healthy process, and it’s not just for roses. Here are five things God pruned from my life in the past three years. And when I share them with you, I’m not making a statement that they are not important or that I should never have done them in the first place. That would be like saying branches that need pruning from a rose bush aren’t important and never had a purpose.
But God wants us laser focused on Him. And sometimes good things can distract us from the best. Here are five things I built an identity around that I never thought would be cut from my life.
1. Homeschooling
Just three short years ago I was writing an entire series arguing in favor of home education, and I was going to call it “An Open Letter to Tim Challies on Education” since I knew many conservative, reformed Christians read his blog and were influenced by his “more balanced” view. (I know. My audacity is shameful.) But before I could publish it, God sent a tsunami of pain so confusing and complex that it ultimately required me to put some of my children in a private school and my articles in a trash bin.
But God revealed that He was working there, too. That cracked lives were His specialty. That His Hands were big enough to catch us wherever we were. That the point wasn’t the end. The point was the journey.
Now I’ve got one child in a public college, one in a public pre-school, and five in a private school. I still home school one child, but I no longer go to the conferences and peruse curriculum. It is a part of my life that has ended. A branch on the ground. Precious for its season, but no longer needed.
2. Music (and other) Ministry
I can’t remember a time in my early life when I wasn’t singing. I grew up singing at school, at church, in musicals, choirs, small groups, solos, and recording with groups. I helped coordinate the special music ministry at a former church as a young mother. I did music ministry with kids. Music was my life, and I couldn’t imagine how I could live without some kind of involvement in it.
And then I just had too many children. I couldn’t keep up. My music ministry became singing lullabies in the darkness to an audience of one or two at a time. Three if you count God, and I guess I do. The branch of my life that identified me as a musician lies cold and dead on the ground. Very few people in my current church even know I sing.
But if you were a fly on the wall in my house, you would see me jamming in my kitchen every day, because while I no longer do music ministry, music lives inside me and always will. Now my daughter plans to major in music education, so Lord willing, I may be able to watch her fulfill some of the dreams I never realized.
3. Friendships
Time changes us, and so our friendships change over time as well. What we need and what we can give will be different in the different stages of our lives. I used to have many friendships, but they were like wading ankle deep in a lake. Now I have very few friendships, but they are like deep sea diving in the ocean.
4. Role as a Wife
This has been a horrible pruning for me. Not only has the branch been cut, but it’s been incinerated in a crucible. I’m still married, but I’ve been forced to implement dreadful boundaries that have caused pain for our entire family. I’ve fought God in this area for so many long, weary years. I wanted what I wanted. I thought I should fight for what I believed was good, but in my fighting, I didn’t allow God to do His pruning in our lives. I feared people more than I feared God. I didn’t trust Him.
But I turned a corner last month. Have you ever intellectually understood something in your head, but you just can’t grasp it with your heart? I’ve known that God wants all of me and doesn’t want me to look for love in anyone else, but I couldn’t seem to shake the obsession with having a healthy marriage. God wants healthy marriages, right? However, because of sin, not every marriage is healthy. Not every marriage reflects that beautiful relationship between Christ and the Church. Some are more like God’s relationship with Israel. Israel played the role of the unfaithful bride, and after forgiving and taking her back over and over and over again, God finally divorced her. (Jeremiah 3:8)
Even God gave up! He let Israel make her own choices. He wanted a mutual relationship based on love and trust. He is patient, but God pruned Israel off the bush eventually. God has boundaries, yes He does!
I finally surrendered my fight for a great marriage. It doesn’t mean I’m getting a divorce; it just means I’m not fighting for something that God’s not allowing me to have. I don’t have to know the reasons. I just need to let go and trust Him.
This means my role and identity as a wife has changed. I am called to quietly maintain boundaries while being kind and empathetic. I’m not called to give feedback where it is not welcomed. I can’t be close to my husband. I can’t share myself in any way. This is painful, but I’ve had to choose obedience to God over obedience to humans, including the one that lives inside my own body. I’m finally at peace.
5. Reputation
I used to enjoy a good reputation. I’ve never not had one. But because of so many other endings, this, too, is lying on the ground. In my mind’s eye, the epitome of success was a picture of my husband and me standing with our children and their spouses and all our grandchildren, smiling, loving and honoring God, blessing the nations, and fulfilling all His purpose for our lives. That is what I fervently prayed for daily for years and years. It’s what I worked hard for and fought for. It’s what I obsessed over and grasped at like wind clawing at leaves.
I think some of my motives were good and pure. And some weren’t. I’m not sure humans are able to have completely pure motives, but God knows our hearts even if we don’t, and I’m resting in Him. The point is, now my identity as a successful wife and mother is like berries under boots. Shame was a close companion for a long time, but I’m reconciled with my lot now. Christ died for that. I’m tucking myself into Him.
Modern Mrs. Darcy’s recent post, The (Potential) Upside to Feeling Stuck, resonated with me and was the inspiration for this post.
Question: What have you given up? I’d love to know! You can leave a comment by clicking here.
Oh Natalie,
Thank you for your honesty and beautiful blog. I too struggled with wanting to have the perfect family. God spoke to me over a year ago and told me that my children needed to go to daycare. I had struggled to keep them home with me as I work from home. I had used babysitters and nannies, but it was not creating peace in our lives. I was so sad to let go of the dream that my children would be home with me as I worked. I hoped to homeschool and now my oldest is in Kindergarten at a wonderful private school. I still hope and pray that my dreams will come true, then again I realize that there are reasons why it has been withheld from me right now. The stress of having them at home while I work and the expense of in home care would likely have been too much in this season of life. I think things may change in the future, but I am doing my best to be obedient and trust that all is working out according to his plan, not mine. Your voice and story is needed in the blogging world of instagram perfect. Thanks again for being real.
Thank you for connecting here!
This piece…breathtaking in its eloquence and truth!
Thank you. (blushin’)
I love your post today!! It took a lot of courage to share, I bet. I find myself returning to the truth that man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart. It is too much work to worry about what everyone else thinks! It is a sweet relief to live our lives to please the One who made us and knows us. The real tragedy is that some people live their whole lives and never get that! Pruning is painful, and we would rather avoid it. But I’m thankful that God values the truth enough that He is willing to do the hard stuff so that we can be free. Your words are a blessing to me! I pray you will continue to feel His love and peace every step of the way!!
Thank you, Tina.
I don’t really feel like I can say much about this post other than, oh, your rawness and honesty in the reality of so many things in life is challenging, God-glorifying and comforting. It’s like, all Christian women everywhere who are seeking that holy, godly life, can breathe a collective sigh of relief.
“For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” ~ Psalm 51:16-17
Perfect verse. I love that.
Dear Natalie,
I identify with you in many ways and once reached out wanting to know if we could speak. I believe you mentioned facebook. Is via phone possible sometime?
I’m so sorry – I don’t have any margin for phone calls. I don’t even talk to my close friends on the phone! (Well, rarely.) My life is pretty crazy. 🙁 You CAN send me an email: .
Thought provoking!
I’ll share my list of things that have ended recently:
1. Bible Studies- they all frustrated me with so much added content. I gave them up and just read my Bible now.
2. Our church home- after 5 years we are at a new place now.
3. Co-ops- health or otherwise I needed to trim these and make a margin!
4. Saying “yes” to much- I’ve learned for every yes I say no to something else. I’m way more thoughtful before committing to things now.
5. Expectations- I have very few. Less disappointment that way.
SUCH a great list! I love it. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for your raw honesty. While my pruning is different from yours, it is very much real and painful. I’m struggling to let go of certain ideals that I thought were from God, but now He is removing them. Sometimes following Christ does not look and feel as good as I think it should. Sigh. Learning to fully trust Him is hard, even though I know that He is sovereign and good.
Yes.
I was forced to give up my perfect job along with some quite super human abilities in the area of executive functioning. I was a wiz at doing everything at breakneck speed and effeciency. Then I almost did break my neck with a simple slip and fall on the ice. I did break my brain. I had to give it all up because I lost the ability to do it, it wasn’t a choice. My job went too because, let’s face it, how can you teach parents and young kids when you can’t get a meal on the table, and you forget all about picking your own kid up from practice because you got distracted by target and realized you forgot to plan supper so you go in there instead. A few years later, I was actually thankful because I never would have done what you did on my own. I still am thankful because now, my lazer focus has finally kicked in and with that comes so so much peace and contentment. I do have to say that unrelated to my brain injury, I did have to give up many relationships in my family or origin because of how toxic they are. The biggest thing I have learned from that is what real love is and what it is not. I have learned that reconciliation does not always follow, nor is it evidence of forgiveness. I too have hidden myself in the loving arms of God. I have learned to listen closely and listen for long periods of time before venturing out and I always take Him with me. He is my sheild and ever present help. It is amazing the beauty that is growing out of the pruning. Beauty that use to be crowded out and covered by things that needed to go. The road is long and hard but it is worth the peace I have.
This is a lovely testimony, Sandy.
Thank for sharing, Sandy. Your testimony is confirming what I am now learning from Christ-honouring ministries who are untwisting Scripture used to keep spouses or anyone within toxic relationships. Many are judging me for not being a true Christian because I am now not putting “family first”. When I say that, I mean I am not going to spend time trying to keep relationships look good in appearance to the public while behind closed doors they are non-existent.
You shared, “The biggest thing I have learned from that is what real love is and what it is not. I have learned that reconciliation does not always follow, nor is it evidence of forgiveness. I too have hidden myself in the loving arms of God. I have learned to listen closely and listen for long periods of time before venturing out and I always take Him with me. He is my shield and ever present help.”
AMEN.
Psalm 119 had been very precious; presently studying vs 33-40 with a sermon by Steve Lawson.
Natalie, Thank you for another honest baring of the soul … I almost felt like you were talking with me, ‘face-to-face’. Ah, yes. I’ve had to relinquish many ‘good’ things when I also realized that too many “good things” can still drag me down.
It hasn’t been easy and God isn’t finished with the pruning, however, some of the broken branches feel more like snapped twigs with ragged edges still healing.
I also have very few friends and the acquaintances I have I am not sure if I can entrust with more of my life’s issues.
I too, placed much emphasis on what I had thought was going to be a Christ-honoring marriage … at least that’s what he had promised me many, many years ago. Even the adult children from this union have become more like acquaintances. It’s been difficult but then I realize that all I can possibly do is be faithful and love God and obey Him with all the strength that I have left. He is forever faithful and this life on earth is but a breath; I must keep remembering that. Past passions like sewing and even my outdoor flowerbeds and garden are also fading away. They were meant to honor the Lord but He obviously is pruning for a reason.
Thank you, Natalie and others for sharing. I have always been aware that I’m not the only one “living through” these circumstances. Praying that we all remain faithful and honor the Lord as He continues to prune and that the fragrance from the many blossoms will draw others to Him.
Amen. ((hugs))
So honest and beautiful. I hope that you (and women everywhere) have pastors who support and understand the necessity of boundaries. I had some horrific advice many times from well-meaning people years ago and it’s by the grace of God I found it to be wrong and changed paths. Thanks for sharing part of your story with us to encourage.
It’s beautiful to be able to bend under the Gardener’s hands and be pruned. Pruning was one of the first lesson my mother in Christ taught me. Jesus was quick to put that lesson to practice. I pray I can continue to be quick to yield under His hand when He prunes my life. I try not to resist. What I have learned is that some of those branches pruned away may come back, at the right time, stronger and now bearing the fruit intended for it. I try to remember “for everything there is a season”, if we let the Gardener prune.
Right now, He’s pruning some very dear friends that took so long to connect with. (most Americans aren’t very friendly.) They either moved away or are too busy to get together. That’s ok. I know He’s got a plan. Also no sports’ opportunities for my kids; very few play dates and interaction with other families. Again, He’s got a purpose for it all.
My blog has fallen by the way side. I resisted all summer, playing catch up, but now I got no desire to do it anymore. Will see where that will end.
I feel like I’m in a cocoon. Completely locked in from contact to the outside. It’s ok. He’s here with me. 🙂
Be still and know that I am God. Psa 46:10
I am encouraged to hear from a Christian woman that her marriage isn’t all “oh, we’re best friends, we share our feelings, we pray together every night, and go to church every morning.” Well, I and my unsaved husband are NOT those people. This blog is the only one I’ve ever found that more closely represents my marriage. I love your honesty and hope. I am FINALLY getting from God the gentle reminder that He is our Holy Spirit, not me. After reading your post, I’m finally able to acknowledge that my dead marriage may not resurrect soon…or ever. But I will keep praying for him while knowing that I may never get that best-friend feeling, let alone a hug, a kind or encouraging word, or anything faintly resembling conversation instead of the monologue he delivers after he comes home drunk several night a week from bar or another. God gives me help, but I’ve been quite ill this week and husband hasn’t checked on me once! Not once. I feel so rejected. But I know God loves me, and where God is, there is hope.
I’m so sorry, Jeannie. You are right though – there IS hope in God. Not always so much in husbands.
Yes, Jeannie. God loves you and thanks to Natalie He has allowed you to share your testimony with us.
We care, we understand and will be praying for you. Praying you are physically and emotionally healed soon. May the Lord’s strength carry you. ((hugs))
Wow Natalie ! .. It was just in time … very inspiring and encouraging ..
I struggled with wanting a friendship which was turning to something more ..
I really wanted that to complete ..I even dreamed of our life together but as u said
good things are taking our attraction away from the best ..
I figured out that relationship was the center base of my life and took all my dreams and strength away from God .. and I thought that I should never end it
But Now after I let it go .. It really hurts but It’d make sense one day ..
and to some extent I feel relieved to give my heart all back to God
and maybe we’ll get back together again but after I learn how to put God first
thanks for reading my simple sharing ..
really need your prayers ..
God bless ya .. 🙂
Praying for you today.