Vyckie Garrison’s Escape from Duggarville story is stale news, but back when it broke, I was embroiled in my own escape story and couldn’t write up a response on my blog (check out this one though.) While I could relate to some of what Vyckie wrote and empathize with her angst, I was not in danger of rejecting the One who had rescued me. (Whenever I listen to Sara Bareilles’s song, Eden, I think of this article.)
I have to begin by making it clear that I’m not anti-Duggar (that poor family – but what do you expect when all that you stand for is commercialized for the entire world to see?) I’m just having fun playing off the title of Garrison’s article. So take a chill pill if you need one. And click away if that doesn’t work. I’m also not against what they stand for, if you mean Family and God. My “escape” (if you want to call it that – I’m still living in my home with all my kids, gerbils, cockatiels and dog, and I love it here) and Garrison’s escape are similar in some ways and different in others. I have a large family, and I support large families. I also support small families. I support the freedom for people to have whatever sized family they decide to have. That’s their business, not mine.
And the God part is what this article is about.
I don’t want to share specifics about my situation in public, but I do want to share why my faith in Christ wasn’t altered, but rather strengthened, through what I experienced in my marriage.
“The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. But there are some of you who do not believe.” (For Jesus knew from the beginning who those were who did not believe, and who it was who would betray him.) And he said, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted him by the Father.”
After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?”Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.” John 6: 63-69
First of all, I want to be clear that I get what is being communicated over at No Longer Quivering. I understand the anger directed at spiritual abuse and the passion to rescue women and children who have been hidden targets of abuse in their homes and churches. I am uncomfortable with the sweeping generalizations about “quiverful” families (they’d hate me – I’ve got seven too many), but there’s definitely a stench in Denmark. I’m glad they are raising awareness, where it is warranted, of an insidious evil disguised as holiness and righteousness. It’s disgusting. It should make us all want to vomit. That’s the truth. That’s reality.
I think it’s a mistake to try to do this without God.
He’s the Author of reality. The opposite of reality is insanity (I know, because I breathed the air of Insane World for a long time). So there’s God and Reality (Truth) and then there’s Satan and Insanity (lies). Anything done to right wrongs without including Reality is just exchanging one type of insanity for another.
Sorting through the mess of my own life in order to pick out the Truth from the lies has been (and continues to be) a slow, measured process. But if I were to slam the door on Reality Himself, I would just be creating my own new fantasy world. My goal is adulthood. I want to grow up. I want to understand all of life—the beautiful and the grotesque—through the Reality lens of Scripture.
Why am I telling you this? Because it’s important for you to understand where I’m coming from and where I’m going if you plan to continue following this blog. If you think I am now a man-hating feminist, you need to know I’m not. If you think I am ever going back to where I came from, you need to know I won’t.
If you think I am angry about injustice, lies, cover ups, and control-freaks, I assure you that I am. If you think that in order for me to be a good Christian girl I need to shut up and smile, I assure you that I completely disagree.
My intention and hope is that, by God’s grace, I’ll be able to walk in the full reality of life. The fact is, there’s a lot of twisted crap (excuse me, but it’s better than the word I wanted to use) in this world because humans refuse to let God be God. They buy the lie that Satan is the truth teller and God is the liar. Satan is skilled at contorting bits and pieces of Scripture. The only way around that is to know God’s Word thoroughly. To know ALL of it. To have the big picture, as well as the little pieces that make it up, clear in our heads and hearts.
If you read Vyckie’s article, you would read about the various verses that were used to keep her in bondage. Some of those same verses kept my own arms tied behind my back. No, wait—it wasn’t the verses themselves. It was their isolation from the rest of Scripture, their misinterpretation, their being used like weapons in the hands of twisted teachers. (This article HERE does an excellent job of explaining this in more detail. If you are going to read Vyckie’s article, follow it up with Rachel’s.)
So can I blame the teachers? Can I blame my husband? Can I blame my church? I think some of the blame for some things can be safely laid at different feet, but ultimately it was my responsibility to study God’s Word and believe it for myself. If I’m honest, the twisted version was easier and appealed to my pride. There’s a lot I could unpack there, and maybe I’ll attempt to do that in future posts, but I’ll leave it at that for now.
How about you? Where are you in your life? Are you walking in the fullness of Truth and Reality? Or is Reality too hard to accept? Being a Christian isn’t what we thought it was when we were little girls. It can be uncomfortable in a way we might not realize. It requires guts and grit. That’s why I wrote the Roar post. And that’s why it inspired the shaming, arrogant anger of a young woman in the comments section. If all you do is simply stand for Reality, the Fakers will inevitably gnash their teeth and, using Scripture as a weapon, deride you.
You are turning on the light and toppling their little kingdom, after all.
What’s ringing in my ears from your article is ‘using scripture as weapons.’
Something’s just clicked for me… There really isn’t a context where scripture should make us feel bad, should it?
Feeling bad isn’t the way we are convicted and deal with sin, is it.
I know for myself, in personal situations I stay quiet sometimes and in my head I’m thinking that I need to submit, be gentle/quiet etc. but when I be honest with myself and the Holy Spirit I think there is a way for me to stand. Stand fully in my identity. I think I can hide behind those verses because it’s easier.
I think a gentle and quiet spirit is fruit evident in someone, I don’t think it is staying quiet to keep the peace.
Thanks for writing.
There are a couple of contexts I can think of off the top of my head where Scripture absolutely makes us feel bad. One is when God uses it to convict us of sin. Conviction rarely feels good. The other context is spiritual abuse. That is what Vyckie is writing about in her article.
Scripture is also used as a weapon to tempt people to sin. Satan modeled that for us in Matthew 4:1-11. Jesus used it right back at him to resist temptation.
Takeaway lesson: Scripture is intrinsically good because it is the Word of the Creator, but in the hands of evil, it can be twisted and used for evil purposes.
Thanks for this great, frank blog. I LOVE it.
Thank you! I’m glad you found it!
“I think it’s a mistake to try to do this without God.
He’s the Author of reality. The opposite of reality is insanity (I know, because I breathed the air of Insane World for a long time). So there’s God and Reality (Truth) and then there’s Satan and Insanity (lies). Anything done to right wrongs without including Reality is just exchanging one type of insanity for another.
I want to understand all of life—the beautiful and the grotesque—through the Reality lens of Scripture.”
I appreciate the discerning wisdom in your above quotes. Very true indeed.
I’ve been thinking about your article all day and remembering 20 years ago, when we left a controlling church situation. There were two Scriptures that have stayed with me….Rom. 8:1 -” there is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus”. When we fail to live by man’s standards (and many of them are ‘American standards’), we often receive condemnation from those who are also striving to achieve ‘holiness’ or some other level of spirituality. When the Holy Spirit is speaking to us, we receive conviction. Condemnation brings shame; conviction brings hope.
The other Scripture is Matt 11:30 – “for My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” The yoke of man-made standards is very heavy and many fall under it. But Jesus’ yoke is easy. It brings rest, not unrest. I had to realize that His yoke was all I needed.
I’m sorry that the “Duggarville” author walked away from Jesus. Unfortunately, many who fall under the ‘Scripture-sword’ can’t seem to separate Jesus’ love and ‘easy yoke’ from the heavy burden of man’s standards, wrapped in a cloak of misused Scripture.
Good thoughts. And yes, the fall-out is tragic. “Christians” who force other people to carry heavy yokes will be held accountable. I hope Vyckie will know and enjoy the real Jesus someday.
There go I, but for the grace of God. I’ve repented many times (as the Lord brings it to my memory) for placing a heavy yoke on my fellow Christian believers. The Lord is merciful and gracious. Not all ‘yoke placers’ stay that way, praise God! It was done in stupidity but with a desire to be ‘holy’ and pleasing before the Lord.
I find people who walk away from church and God for whatever reason they declare it is just a pathetic excuse to leave. Most people who turn their back on God and church do it because they want to live their lives in such a way that isn’t conducive to Biblical Christianity…otherwise, they’d just find a different church. Those excuses wont fly at the Bema Seat of Christ. I was raised southern Baptist and have been an Independent Baptist for 27 years and I’ve never felt any of what has been described. Matter of fact, the only child I ever conceived was out of wedlock and my church embraced me. When I lost that baby at 18 weeks, my church and Pastor loved and supported me in every way possible, even financially. After that, I chose not to even have children! Never was made to feel bad about it from anyone that really mattered! Sounds like Vickie was in cult married to a jerk.
It sounds like you have been blessed with a good church. Sadly, many others are not. When people share deep pain with us – especially pain that causes them to run from God – it calls for compassion and prayer for healing. I don’t know if Vyckie ever really knew Christ. She experienced religion and found it to be hypocritical and abusive. I realize that many people reject God because they simply don’t want anything to do with Him. I don’t think that’s where Vyckie was coming from. When we make hasty assumptions about why people reject God, we only contribute to the religiousity that Christ condemned in the Pharisees as well as the nauseating feeling unbelievers get when they think of “Christians.” Christ never vilified a hurting, angry abuse target. That’s what Vyckie is.
“The twisted version was easier and appealed to my pride.”
Thanks for being willing to admit that. That totally speaks to my heart. My heart full of pride and rules and earning my own way. Rules that I like to put on myself and then on others. Rules that suck the life out of the gospel. (Perhaps while in the flesh something we will always be fighting against?) I am looking forward to any future posts on this.
In response to your question of where we are, for the past few years since getting married I’ve been totally into the Duggars, Vision Forum, all kids of mom blogs by SAHMs with lots of kids and lots of convictions… etc, etc. So now with the twisted side of things coming to light recently, kinda makes me wonder which areas of my heart are truly living in the reality of the Word and which are living in the lies (aka..dying).
Reminds me of John 4:24, ” those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.”
ps, on a somewhat related note, a book that I still haven’t made it through yet, but every chapter so far is such sweet balm to my soul, is “One Way Love” by Tullian Tchividjian. Have you read it?
I haven’t – thank you for recommending it. I’ll check it out! And I do think we will always have to check ourselves when it comes to “rules that suck the life out of the gospel.” It’s our human nature to want to earn love. God is patient.
Nicely written, Natalie.
I came from a “quiverful family.” It was all an act though, the clothing, the head coverings, as with anything that’s not true it all fell away in time and my nominal Christian parents were left with a large family of….sinners.
Forward to my twenties, only I and one sibling are truly saved. While there are almost twelve grandchildren under five in this whole thing this only proves it’s a love of children since most of my siblings are atheists.
If you do not truly have a heart for God in having children or a child then it’s not about Him at all. I believe that there are many who do not.know the God of the Bible even in a church.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I’m so glad your relationship with Christ is authentic. That is a legacy you can pass on to your own children. Beauty from ashes.
Question for those of you who grew up in these families—was there always physical abuse??
The most common type of abuse in Christian circles is emotional and spiritual abuse. Physical abuse happens, yes. But the reason many families suffer for so many years under the radar is because very few people, including church leaders, are trained to recognize and deal with emotional and spiritual manipulation. Thankfully there is a growing amount of training and literature on this subject, and though it is a slow process, light bulbs are finally going on. When this kind of abuse is exposed and dealt with properly, women and children can be set free and heal. I hope to do some articles this year about how to recognize this kind of abuse – and what to do when a woman approaches you for help.
Hi Natalie! I barely ever comment, but I just have to tell you how much I love your writing and appreciate your sharing. Your articles, in the short time I’ve been reading your blog, have been tremendously helpful and uplifting. Bless you for being brave and wise – you are a treasure.
-Michelle <3
Thank you, Michelle. That means so much…
That vykie article is just sad! Completely leaving the faith! Wow…all the things lined up scripturally but like you say you have to take the entire bible into account and keep your mental health and marriage happy, or satan will gladly create bitterness and chaos and destruction. So sad to see these biblical families being destroyed…
Well, I wouldn’t call them “Biblical” families.
Healthy families thrive, and it takes two spiritually and emotionally healthy parents to make a healthy family.
Is it strange when I think of “Biblical families”, I think of plural marriage? haha!
Now THAT’S funny!
Natalie,
I don’t have anything earth-shattering to add here, but I am reading and learning!
Just wanted to thank you for your heart, and let you know that I am praying for you and appreciate you!
Lisa
The sad irony in Vyckie’s article is that she is now abusing Scripture! Taking verses out of context, twisting them to mean something they don’t mean at all. I’m not sure if she ever truly understood the Gospel, unattached to works. Vyckie rejecting Christ is an even bigger tragedy than the abuse. She feels she is finally free–and she is technically free of abuse, but Satan has he more trapped than ever spiritually. I hope someday she meets a real, solid Christian family who shows her an amazing example of Christ’s love. Natalie, I’m so glad you’re seeking Christ in your situation! It encourages the rest of us to get through our storms too.
I am so glad you wrote this. I wanted to add that since fleeing my abuser I have seen several counselors in a couple of shelters. There’s generally an intake counselor and then a long term one, and there are a couple who run support groups and so on. Even the most UNchristian counselor, the one who did not even pretend to be a believer, who had to try to think if there were any Christians on staff at her facility, NEVER EVER, tried to convince me that my faith in Christ was to blame for my abuser’s abusing me. No counselor should ever EVER tell a target of abuse what she NEEDS to do. Vyckie’s counselor was totally out of line. Barbara Roberts often reminds us that we are to never “should on” a target of abuse. Targets have enough people trying to control them. Their counselors and advocates are not to issue orders, but help them to learn to see the truth and get safe.
Ultimately, I did not seek any more services at the shelter where the lady wasn’t sure if she had any Christians on staff. That woman had been given tons of common grace. She was wise. She knew everything my abuser was going to do before he did it. But she never told me I needed to divorce him. I found a shelter where I was more comfortable and got great counseling/trauma therapy there. No counselor, intake person, group facilitator, receptionists, anything at any time ever told me that I needed to divorce. Their job isn’t to tell you to stay or to go, but to help you recognize unsafe situations and make plans to stay safe.
I am writing this because for years I was convinced that shelters were full of wordly counselors who would try to talk me out of my faith. That didn’t happen with me. If you think you might be in a relationship with an abuser and you seek help and/or counseling at a shelter, and a counselor there “shoulds” on you, you can ask for a different counselor.
“I think it’s a mistake to try to do this without God. He’s the Author of reality.” You did a very good job expressing what needed to be said. Thank you.