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Last night I sat in The Crooked Pint eating a Beer Cheese Juicy Lucy with two good friends. The food was delicious and so was the company. I can be myself around them. They can be themselves around me. No hiding. No pretending. If I say something a little wild and off base, they don’t flinch or jump down my throat. They know I’m a work in progress, and they love me where I am at. When I share something with them, they believe me. They trust me, and I trust them. They don’t analyze and criticize. I am safe.

We can share our struggles, but we also share what God is doing in our lives. We talk about our confusion about what He is doing too. That’s OK with us. And I believe it is OK with God. Last night we talked about how we have felt betrayed by God at times. We know intellectually and from what God’s Word tells us that we have not been betrayed by God. Nevertheless, when we look at the underside of the tapestry of our life (which is all we can see right now), we see a big mess. We sit back in our chairs with cheese on our lips wondering, “How did I get here?”

We wonder, “How do I get away from the pain?” “How do I fix what is broken?” “Does God see what is happening? Or is He too busy working in someone else’s life? Someone more significant then I?”

All three of us have sorrows that have broken our hearts, cracked our shells, and left us soft and oozy. Weak and needy. But you know what? Those sisters are two of the most courageous women I know. They are brave in love. Strong in spirit. Tenacious in faith. And when I am with them, their courage rubs off on me.

So last night, we were discussing how easy it is to feel betrayed by God at times. When we read verses in the Bible about how God is a Protector and a God of Justice, we wonder—where is He when millions of people are kept in slavery for no reason other than their skin color? Where is He when millions of people are murdered for no reason other than their nationality? Where is He when millions of unborn children are ripped apart or burned alive in their own mother’s uterus for no reason other than their inconvenience to someone? Where is He when children are being beaten and molested? Where is He when women are in fetal positions on their bathroom floors wishing they could be done with their lonely, emotionally abusive marriages?

Has He been defeated? Has He lost the war between good and evil? Did He give up and walk off stage?

This morning I thought about how John must have felt as he watched Jesus being crucified. His hero. His life. All his hopes and dreams—dying. What in the world happened? The feelings of disbelief, horror, and fear of the future must have been overwhelming. John believed that Jesus was God. What do you do with that? You know. When God dies?

“John remained nearby Jesus, whether his leader was on the mount of transfiguration or in the depths of Gethsemane’s suffering. John affectionately leaned on Him during the feast but also followed Him into the courts for the trials. John clung to Jesus when He raised the dead, and he clung to Jesus when He became the dead.

John stood nearby when human reason implied that his faithful leader’s mission had failed. He could not have comprehended that the plan of the ages was going perfectly….

We cannot claim to know anyone intimately whom we’ve not known in the intensity of both agony and elation. Anyone with eyes willing to truly behold Jesus will at times be confused and shocked by what she sees. You see, if we’re willing to be taken to the extreme of His glory where we gain intimate knowledge, we will undoubtedly see Him in situations that we cannot explain and that sometimes disturb. Then comes the question. Will we walk away from Jesus when our human understanding sees Him look weak and defeated?

What will we do when we can’t explain what Jesus is doing? Will we remain nearby when He doesn’t stop a tragedy? Based on earthly evidence, human reasoning concludes that He is either mean or weak. Will we cling when our human reasoning implies that evil has defeated Him? Or that evil seems to be found in Him? Will we stand by faith when human logic says to run?

That’s what will make us different.”

Beth Moore, Beloved Disciple

David was called “a man after God’s own heart.” (Acts 13:22) God said of Caleb that he “has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly.” (Numbers 14:24) And then there was John, the beloved disciple (John 13:23). What made them different wasn’t how good they were, because they weren’t always good. David was an adulterous murderer at one point. What made them stand out is the way they tenaciously hung on to God no matter what. They loved Him with undying devotion. Joyful passion. Complete abandon. And I think this is what God wants from us above all else.

Many years ago I came across this verse, and it became “mine.”

Agree with God, and be at peace; thereby good will come to you. Receive instruction from his mouth, and lay up his words in your heart. If you return to the Almighty you will be built up; if you remove injustice far from your tents, if you lay gold in the dust, and gold of Ophir among the stones of the torrent-bed, then the Almighty will be your gold and your precious silver. For then you will delight yourself in the Almighty and lift up your face to God. (Job 22:21-26)

I did not (and still don’t) know all the ways that God would/will test me in this. But I do know it is what He wants from me. It’s what He wants from you. Nothing less. He wants to be It. Everything. Our Gold. Our Precious Silver. Our Delight.

Next time you look out your window, wherever you are, lift up your face to God and know that He sees you there. If things are bad right now, take heart. He died, yes. But then He rose up in power and WON.

And some day we will, too.