SERIES CAVEAT: I’m not writing this series for lazy Christian women looking for an excuse to sit on their buns and soap opera their lives away. Personally, I don’t know too many Christian women who fit that description, and c’mon, seriously? To write something like that would be pretty obnoxious, don’t you think? This series is for Christian women who are serious about their lives. Serious about their relationship with God. Serious about their relationships with others. Hard working, faithful women. Like most Christian women I know. They are my audience, and I am writing for them. The point of these articles is balance, and I trust my regular readers will use discernment.
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
How many times have we heard these verses quoted when some Wemmick wants us to serve in some way? “Come make my church big and great by becoming a living sacrifice! This is your spiritual worship! If you don’t, you haven’t been sufficiently renewed in your mind, and you’ll need to come to our 12 Step Discipleship Program so we can indoctrinate you with our agenda for your life.”
I’m sort of exaggerating, but it can feel like that sometimes. No? Here’s how you know if it’s OK to say, “No thanks, I’ve got some other things God wants me to be doing these days.” You say it, and you don’t get kick back. If you get sober looks and furrowed brows, you should also see red flags.
When we serve because we’ve been called by God to do it, we will know it is right. We will do it with joy. It will have meaning. When God says He loves a cheerful giver, He is saying it gives Him pleasure to see His child giving out of the joyful bubbling over of that child’s heart. That is a beautiful thing. On the other hand, it is not a beautiful thing to see a child serve begrudgingly or resentfully because they “have to.” How many times do we serve with that attitude? And how many times were we supposed to actually say “no” to that opportunity, but we said “yes” out of obligation or fear?
Brief Rabbit Trail
I think women, in particular, are susceptible (please note that word) to serving in some capacity out of a sense of obligation rather than true calling. Think about it. How many men are easily guilt manipulated into doing something? And when they do say, “Sorry, Charlie. No can do,” who gives them a hard time about it? You know—generally speaking? (Am I high on drugs here?) Everyone just assumes the man has other, more important things to do. But a woman? What would they be doing that could be more important that what somebody else in authority over them thinks they ought to be doing? (We’ll be talking about good vs. bad authority in the days ahead.)
I’m no feminist, but I do recognize gender issues in the church as well as in our culture at large. And frankly, I’m weary of skirting around it for fear of being labeled wrongly. (Did you notice that adorable little pun, right there? It wasn’t intended, but after noticing it, I’m totally intending it and feeling pretty smug about it, too, which is why I also feel the need to draw attention to it.) My blog is called Visionary Womanhood. Well. Let’s open our eyeballs and be honest about what we are seeing (more puns…I am SO on a roll). If we talk about it, maybe we can make some strides in a healthier direction for our daughters.
Who is In Control?
As Christians, we know that ultimately, God is sovereign over all things. He is in control. But the flip side of that beautiful Truth is that God has, in His sovereignty, given responsibilities to the human race in general, and to individuals specifically. He places you in control of some things. You are responsible irregardless of your gender. Remember the parable about the talents? Each person gets to steward what God gives to them. Whether you take control of what God gives to you, or you give up your control, you will be held accountable to God for it. For example, if you are given a baby, and you kill it through abortion, you are responsible for your stewardship choice. If you hand that baby over to someone else to raise, you are responsible for that stewardship choice. If you choose to raise the baby yourself, you are responsible for that stewardship choice. The choice is yours, and you are responsible to God for it, facing any resulting consequences for your choice.
Where are your property lines? Do you let evil people come traipsing through your home at will, or do you lock your door at night to keep them out? You are the steward of your property. You can grow flowers, or you can let the weeds take over. Your neighbor has no right to come over and plant flowers if you’ve chosen to let the flower beds rot. Your neighbor understands that while he may not like your ugly yard, it is yours. Not his. He can plant all the flowers he wants in his yard, but you get to control yours.
We would all be shocked if someone came over to our home, barged in, and started cleaning up the dishes saying, “Your kitchen is a sty from Hades. I’ll take care of this for you.” Likewise, we would be annoyed if the same person got in our faces and said, “I need you to clean up MY kitchen. This is God’s will for you.”
Who is in control of your life? The simple answer is God – with you being the steward of what He gives you to steward. Not God and your pastor or God and your husband or God and your children or God and your MIL. If you are an adult, He is going to hold you, and you alone, responsible for your choices, your time, your body, your gifts, your tongue, your thought-life, and your opportunities. This is part of growing up. If you think your husband or your father or your pastor is responsible for you as an adult woman, you are wrong. They are responsible to you (as we all ought to be responsible to one another) for loving care, relationship, and so forth (if they choose – some don’t, and that’s something God will hold them responsible for), but we can’t blame them for our choices as adult women.
If you feel like your life is out of control, it is probably because you have not taken ownership of it. You’ve abdicated that responsibility to those around you. You have chosen not to wisely steward what God has given to you. I know, first hand, what this is all about. I’ve shared before how difficult it has been for me to grow up. How I’ve tended to just let all my “mommies and daddies” make the stewardship decisions for me. And then I get angry because the things in “my yard” are out of control, and I feel powerless.
AND – I also get angry when I can’t control other people. See how messed up this is? I abdicate responsibility for myself, yet I take responsibility for others upon myself and desire to control them. If we all simply exercised SELF-control (a fruit that demonstrates the Holy Spirit is controlling our lives, by the way), our relationships would be much healthier, and so would we.
We are responsible to say “no” to what is wrong and “yes” to what is right. And it may be different in different seasons of our lives. And what may be right for one woman today may actually be the wrong thing for someone else. For example, I needed to say “yes” to sleeping in today. For me, today, it was no sin of slothfulness. I’m exhausted and on the verge of becoming ill. Sleep was more important than getting up early to exercise and have a quiet time alone. This same choice may not be the right choice tomorrow morning. But it is my choice to make and be responsible for.
A friend once shared with me that after a few weeks of staying home from church with her baby for various reasons, someone sent her a letter chiding her for her absence. That person was taking responsibility FOR my friend. But it wasn’t that person’s responsibility to take. It would not have been wrong for someone to give my friend a call and ask her how she was doing. That is being responsible TO my friend. See the difference? We are responsible FOR ourselves, and we are responsible TO other people.
This is real, unselfish love.
On the other hand, when we give everything away (all our rights, our responsibilities, our gifts, our resources), we are saying, in essence, “I will not be responsible for these things God gave to me. I will give this responsibility to whoever else will have it.” If we let everyone come into our home and do whatever they please, we are no longer wisely stewarding anything. We’re just giving it away. If everyone is living in your home, how will you be able to decide, for example, to host a missionary family on furlough? With everyone else taking over, you would not be in control to make a different choice.
Letting other people run, pell mell, over you is not loving at all. It’s irresponsible and weak. When God does present you with a real opportunity that He has especially designed just for you, will you be ready and able to grasp hold of it? Being selective and purposed with your life will reap great rewards for you and for those around you.
God made us to be strong, noble princesses. We are royal daughters of the King of Kings. Let us take our places by Him and make choices for our lives that are driven by His Word and His direction. And that won’t always be pleasing to those around us. Learn to tolerate their disapproval the way queens often have to tolerate the disapproval of some of their subjects. Jesus had a lot of disapproving folks clucking their tongues behind his back.
Next time we’ll talk about whether or not it is selfish to carve out time to rejuvenate and refresh ourselves. Does God frown upon rest and relaxation? Is it disgraceful to read a book when your kitchen floor needs sweeping? When is the work “done” enough to warrant a break?
I’m so enjoying this Natalie! You are an excellent writer and I so appreciate that you choose to use that skill for building up other women
Can I just add that while I totally understand what you mean by saying “no” sometimes without fear or guilt, I think there are times when maybe we should serve to fulfill an obligation. Not begrudgingly, however, and not out of a sense of guilt, but out of a sense of “this job needs to be done, why not me?” sort of mindset. For example, at my church, the children’s Sunday school class is run as a co-op. They have signs posted at each classroom asking parents to fill out a volunteer application if they have been attending with their children regularly for over 3 mos. Without parent volunteers, there wouldn’t be a children’s class. I volunteered out of a sense of obligation, but not begrudgingly, and not out of fear or guilt. I just think how I enjoy being able to have one hour without the needs of my children weighing on me to refresh my soul, so I want to see the children’s ministry flourish. I have 3 kids going in three different classes, I only volunteer in one. Last week, 8 parent volunteers didn’t show up and the pre-school had to turn away children. You see I feel obligated to contribute in this way because I understand if I want to take advantage of having a children’s Sunday school class, then that depends on parents’ help. However, I don’t feel burdened upon by someone specifically approaching me and guilting me into it. Does this make sense? Not trying argue any of your points, just adding to the conversation of to serve or not to serve.
I totally, 100% agree with you, Stephanie. Thank you for pointing that out. We definitely don’t want to swing this pendulum in the other direction – and you brought up some important things to remember as we think about this subject.
Ouch! I feel so worn out trying to be what others are, trying to sort out the lies I’ve believed (my own, I’m sure whispered by satan, himself). It’s so easy to think that pleasing others, doing what they’re doing, or living the Christian life like they do, is how we’ll “arrive”. And yet, it is just not the Freedom Christ offers. Like you said, we need to “make choices for our lives that are driven by His Word and His direction”.
Thanks again for sharing in this quest for Truth and the abundant Christian life. It’s gotten so twisted. We only need Jesus, His Truth, His life.
I am reading this series–as I read ALL your blog :)–with great interest. You are taking courageous steps, and it is evident you are doing these things in your life and your writing with great conviction and intentionality and a desire to cut through the crud and see how it looks and shouldn’t look when Scripture meets life.
Something I think we, as Christian women, really need to seriously consider is: which Christian women are we looking up to? And why? I’m youngish (33), and although I was blessed to be at home with a SAH/Homeschooling mom, MOST people my age were not. And most people the age of my mtoher/older, REALLY were not. And so I find, that as I homeschool/stay home with my three boys under five and a fourth pregnancy, that it is harder and harder to find older women who have walked through life sharing priorities that my husband and I have put into place in our family, as we see it, according to Scripture. And I don’t mean whining about, I need a break, how do I get supper on the table AGAIN, I’m so sick of picking up toys….I’m talking about, what can I reasonably seek to do to serve the poor in my community when serving a soup kitchen just won’t work at this moment? When ‘mentoring’ is not lovely-scented coffees with flowers and a two-hour prayer group but mentoring my own kids how to deal with conflict between themselves? How do I maintain the balance of being a truly submissive wife who honors her husband, while keeping that whip-and-chair handy to keep my all-boys in line when the military sends my husband off? And when that happens, what pitfalls do I watch for as I simultaneously thank God that HE created me with the Big-Girl in charge pants to do what my husband depends on me to do…and take them off because he’s home? These are the issues I’m facing, and honestly, after a dozen years of marriage and three kids and plenty of Bible study, I’m finding that as I look more and more at the women getting the attention of, say, the church and the women’s ministry, there are some basic things lacking. It’s not a number-of-children judgement, it’s a “I don’t want to sit through fifteen minutes of fun poked at your husband” observation. And where IS her husband, anyway–serving communion as a deacon and discipling their children? Or showing up for service?
This long comment to say: we as women need to be very, very vigilant about which “good girls” we’re modeling our lives after. Thank you, God bless you and your efforts right now, and I’m reading with great interest.
The link to the second part of this series sends us to a blog post on education. Thought you’d want to know!
I’m very encouraged by your series! Thank you!
ooooh…bizarre. Thanks for letting me know! You’re too sweet!
Such a timely word for me. The older I get, the more I have been learning this truth. I am one who tries to do too much and ends up angry and burnt out. God is clarifying my top responsibilities to me through some family situations. As my husband is bearing a great burden caring for his parents in their aging and the challenge of Alzheimers, I am seeing that supporting him comes above church and home school involvement. I would love to see you address the topic of living at peace with everyone, even when the person is in direct violation of God’s Word.
heh heh.
Thank you, Natalie,
This series is just blessing the socks right off me! Confirming several things that God has been teaching me through His word and different studies. (Love the wit through out, also!)
Thank you for being real! ! So rare and so refreshing!
I am thinking that the last post and this post would be further served by having you give some good advice to the ladies of what “dying to self” and “walking in the Spirit” actually DOES mean (Galatians 5 comes to mind), because you are doing a fantastic job so far of pinpointing and breaking down some of the lies of what it DOESN’T mean. Maybe you were already planning on that
Kudos to you for taking the time to influence these women to a life of FREEDOM!!
I am heartened by this post as I’ve been working the last few months on being submissive to my husband (and found much blessing in it) but at the same time, I can too easily swing to making him responsible for me instead of taking control and responsibility for myself. There is a fine line with everything.
I agree with Amanda’s comment about finding support or role models (as a kid whose parents were not only not home but not necessarily even available if I got sick, which I tried hard not to, this is making all of this even harder for me to wrap my head around) – it can be difficult to discern who is giving lovingly and who in two weeks will have a nervous breakdown or wants to control others.
I think the most difficult thing about this is that we can’t lay out the rules or an example and say “Okay, this is it!” As Stephanie mentioned, she gives because she wants to use services so wants to make sure they stay available for herself and others. That makes sense for her right now to give to that ministry – whereas it would not make sense for me – at the moment. And then add into that all the things you feel called to do and want to help out with…it can leave us all wondering if we are spending our time and energy on the right things, especially if they are all “right!”
And that’s why we need to rely on the Holy Spirit at work in our lives through His Word! A list of rules will not suffice. God’s law is the Law of Love. If we filter all our choices through that Law – we will grow in discernment and wisdom. Sometimes love means saying no to one thing in order to say yes to another. If Jesus spent all his time engaging (arguing) with fools (Pharisees), He would not have been able to disciple the twelve men who were teachable and hungry.