In continuation of our Deprogramming Series, we’re going to look at another way rigid thinking can prevent a creative, joy-filled, thankful life. By the way, I realize not everyone has struggled with these things. Some of you live a life of joy and freedom naturally. Whether it is the way God wired you, the place you are on your own journey with Him, your upbringing, your current circumstances, or whatever—you may be wondering what all the fuss is about with me. What’s my problem?
On the other hand, you could be someone who struggles with the sin of slothfulness. (Remember those seven deadly sins? We’ve all got at least one we specialize in.) In your case, you might be thinking this series is your ticket to guilt-free sloth for the rest of your living days.
On a third hand, you could be someone who still thinks the way to love God is by obeying a long list of rules. And everyone has to have the same ones (namely, yours), or they aren’t a proper Christian. In that case, you are probably not even reading this series anymore. You’ve un-Liked and unsubscribed. Why in the world am I including this paragraph then? Because it’s therapeutic. And I’m insane.
And on a final hand, you could be like me. You’ve worked your rumpusdiddlyumpus off your whole life trying to obey and please and get it “right” so that God won’t be displeased with you. So that your mommies and daddies will pat you on the back and say, “Good job.” So that you will be loved and accepted.
Because I have a feeling enough of you fall into that last category to warrant it, I am writing about it. God is showing me that He is not like my mommies and daddies. He loves and accepts you and me because of The Beloved, Jesus Christ. Jesus came that we might have LIFE, and have it to the FULL. If our lives aren’t spilling over with love and life, then we are likely mired in lies. So here’s to recognizing and extricating ourselves from the yuck.
A mom commented on an earlier post:
I struggle with how much time (if any) is “OK” for me to pursue things that bring me pleasure or refreshment (reading a novel, taking a class, etc.) — because I usually fall back into the camp of “denying yourself” as if pleasure or comfort or relaxing is bad, or detracts from your family’s needs. (I can really go into the ditches on this topic!) But when a mom (such as myself) starts to feel bitterness within, while she’s attempting to be so lofty and holy in her serving, doesn’t that sort of negate the blessings of dying to self anyway? I will say, however, that experience has shown me that if I’m needing peace and refreshment, I will not find it by distracting myself on the computer!
What was your knee jerk reaction to the title of this post? I know what mine would be. “WHAT?! What could be more fun and exciting than raising little darlin’s for the glory of God?” But if that were true, then women who were not in the season of raising children – along with women who couldn’t even have children to begin with – would be in a sad and sorry condition. The fact is, while motherhood is one of the greatest opportunities to impact the Kingdom of God for generations to come, it is not the end-all. (Cries of blasphemy, anyone?)
The fact is, motherhood is only for some, and it is only for a season. Because of the serious importance of parenting the next generation, we need to pour our lives into it when it comes to us. Motherhood becomes our calling as soon as that child is conceived. But it will not be our only calling. And even in the midst of that calling, sitting on the floor playing Legos will not fill our hours for the next 18 years of our lives.
I remember reading a book many years ago that encouraged moms to put aside all personal hobbies until the children were fully grown. If a mom spent any of her time sewing, for example, that was time she was taking away from her higher calling of motherhood. Motherhood and industry were not compatible with each other, from this perspective. A mother was to lose herself in her children. (Other books talked about the dangers of child-centered parenting. Oh, the confusing little rule books we try to follow.)
At the time, my own mother happened to be teaching me how to sew, and I felt horribly guilty about it for the next few years, although I didn’t stop doing it. I made all kinds of quilts for baby gifts as well as little dresses and bloomers for my three little girls. I loved selecting different fabrics and coordinating colors. It was a creative outlet, and I enjoyed the challenge of learning a new skill. But the guilt spoiled the fun.
Was it a sin to sew? Was God disappointed to see me doing it instead of playing with our Fisher Price Little People collection? What if I sewed in the same room the kids were playing in? What if I could visit with them while I sewed? Was it OK then? What if I was making something for them? Good now? These are the kinds of insane things I got worked up about. Seriously. I took it even further and wondered if was wrong to do any hobby-type cooking or baking. You know – not the stuff I was required to do in order to feed our family, but the kind that involved experimenting for the fun of it. In fact, if anything was stretching or pleasurable or rewarding in any way – outside of being in the faces of my children – I felt guilty. Like I was stealing something precious from them.
And what if one of them died in an accident or something, and that last day of their life I had spent two hours finishing a quilt? I would forever live with the guilt of having spent their last day sewing a quilt instead of playing Candy Land with them one final time. I was riddled with fears – and yet the thought of playing Candy Land 24/7 out of fear seemed somewhat OCD to me. Not to mention insanely boring.
At a certain point I had to stop and use my common sense. What is good parenting, anyway? Is it playing with kids all day long? Is it homeschooling all day long? (The kids sure hope not.) Is it reading the Bible all day long? I don’t think so. I think it is relationship. I think it is a simple focus on Christ in our duties, our learning, our recreation, and our resting. It is modeling this for our children. It is talking and listening. It is living a joyful life of freedom in Christ. This should bubble up and spill over to those around us, whether they are our children, our neighbors, our friends, or our community.
I think we can give ourselves some breathing room. If someone commits suicide, we call it murder. But if they love and take care of themselves – it’s selfish. You can’t have it both ways. God says to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. That’s not saying much if we don’t care about the person in our own body. Again, I am not saying we live for ourselves and throw everything else to the wind. There’s a balance we need to strike. Women have a hard time striking it.
Let’s Get Practical
So this mom wants to know if she has the freedom to enjoy reading a novel or taking a class. Here are some other things that come to my mind simply because they are interests I’ve had: sewing, writing, building a home business, researching, teaching, organizing, card making, sculpture, painting, scrapbooking, discipling, singing, horseback riding, and we could go on.
When you bring home a baby from the hospital, does that mean you can no longer be you? Of course not. It may mean you have to put some things on hold for a while, but as time goes on, you will enter seasons in which horizons will broaden and opportunities will open up. Kids get older. They help out a bit. You have more time to explore things, even within your home!
What about Pinterest? Facebook? Instagram? Those are fun, aren’t they? They are tools to learn and connect with other people, and they can be a positive thing. Taken to an extreme, they can suck time away from other good things. Reading blogs (especially this one, ahem) can be a good thing. Listening to podcasts can be a good thing. Eating chocolate is always a good thing. Lots of things are good in moderation. Is it my place to draw lines in the sand on your behalf? No, it isn’t – (although reading this blog is a no-brainer.) I don’t know where you’re at. You do. God does. I think you can work it out with Him, don’t you?
I write more about this topic in Is Your Role Full-Time Playmate for Little Kids? and Let’s Talk About Mommy Guilt, so I don’t want to repeat myself, but basically, I am pretty sure that when God gave us kiddos, He didn’t intend for us to become children again. Our jobs are to model, teach, train, and coach. Not play. Can we play? Absolutely. It can be bonding for the kids to play with mommy now and then. But you can be in charge of what the “play” entails. I do a lot of reading with mine. Play can be chores in disguise. Swinging. Bonfires. Making fudge. Walking to the park. It doesn’t have to be Candy Land. (Oh please, not Candy Land.)
If you are feeling guilty, it could be real guilt because you are ignoring your kids, or it could be false guilt because you take everything to the “nth” degree. I’ve experienced both, and sometimes it’s hard to know which guilt is the one you’ve got at any given time. Here’s one practical way you can figure it out. Keep track of your time. If you get to the end of the week, and you notice that you’ve been pinning 8 out of 12 waking hours, then the guilt could quite possibly be real. I’d consider an adjustment.
A full life will have a variety of purposeful activities built into it. What are your responsibilities? Are you able to fulfill those well? Do you have margin? Busy moms, are you getting some time alone, even if it is just a few minutes before you go to bed at night? Do you have pockets of time you could use to do things you love? I love to read and write, so I do it whenever I’m “waiting” for things. Waiting for kids in therapy, swimming lessons, ballet lessons, Dr. appts., etc. I also read at night before I go to bed. I have a Kindle with a night light – and I read until I can’t keep my eyes open (it usually takes about 10 minutes for that to happen), and then I close the Kindle and go almost instantly to sleep. I get through lots of books that way. (And I get a lot more sleep too.)
In the morning I listen to podcasts or other teachings while I exercise and get ready. You could listen to audio books that way too. If you can keep track of how you spend your time for a few days, you’d probably discover things about your life that would help you make discerning, guilt-free choices when it comes to how you spend your time.
This is great, Natalie — thanks for posting this! I think you hit the focal point when you said, “If you are feeling guilty, it could be real guilt because you are ignoring your kids, or it could be false guilt because you take everything to the ‘nth’ degree.” I like your idea for a person to track how they spend their time. How much easier then to SEE where that time is going (it can be like sand through an hourglass!) and bring it to the Lord for discernment in interpretation.
I had false guilt, and then real guilt, when it came to reading novels. My trouble is, once I start reading one, usually I can’t put it down — it consumes me! Well *that* doesn’t work very well with mothering! Now that the (home)school year is over for the summer, I went on a little reading “jag” and it was not good! I can’t seem to find balance there, so I had to let it go. And you know what? I actually feel a lot more peace about it — because I saw what it was doing to my devotion to serving and investing in my children and husband! Now I feel engaged — and free.
Yay!
I know this post was focused on mothers and kids but I’ve felt the pull all too strongly, that since I don’t have kids, I should be using all of my time and resources helping others. While I believe in doing that (to a degree), at some times in my life it has completely bowled me over. I can remember days, evenings and weekends, where I felt guilty that I wasn’t helping out or working on a project that had to do with the “church” or “insert any worthwhile cause here.” I couldn’t relax and it took my husband outlining all the time I had spent recently (and the time I already had on the calendar for the future) for me to realize that I had no need to feel guilty.
But I’ve had similar experiences and interactions as those to those parenting books (do this, do that, NO don’t do that) which leave me trying to follow a list of rules and regulations instead of listening to the guidance of God. The biggest difficulty is that a lot of times I feel lead by God to end that particular activity (at an appropriate time so to not leave anyone hanging) but get caught in the whole “you should sacrifice yourself thing” and I will add on the activity that God has called me for….and then I’m miserable.
In those times and other times, it has been finding those moments of transition throughout the day to squeeze in some time for myself and scheduling it each week. Taking five minutes on a lunch break, scheduling one night that I do not have commitments and taking a bath (not spending the whole night working on other things!), and keeping Sunday commitment free but for certain things (and only twice a month – such as special celebrations with family or friends).
It sounds like it’s a struggle for you, as it is with me, but that you are able to see it for what it is—and fight to maintain balance. Someone else put this quote in another comment on a different post, but it is applicable here:
“The devil has driven the pendulum far beyond its proper point of rest; and when he has carried it to the utmost length that he can, and it begins by its own weight to swing back, he probably will set in, and drive it with the utmost fury the other way; and so give us no rest; and if possible prevent our settling in a proper medium.”
May God grant us peace as we rest in His agenda for us.
EXCELLENT blog post, Natalie!!! I am in my 60s and still feel guilt about some of the things you listed. My kids are grown, self-supporting, successful, and live out of state with all the grandchildren!! Like that makes any sense? I am saving this blog post to read again. It is a balm to my spirit. Thanks for taking the time to write it.
Oh, I’m so glad it was an encouragement to you, Barbara!
About a year and a half ago I met a mom who has 5 kids. She is from the northeast and due to her husband’s work they were living in AL for 2 years. She took a day off every week. I first met her husband and all her kids at soccer training and when I asked about her, he said “oh, today is her day off.” That sounded so foreign, so strange, heretical even in my mind. As I got to know her and her family, I saw that her day off was something they all allowed into their routines for the sake of the whole family. She had had depression after #3 and after seeking help they found that she needed that day off to re-charge and do her job as a mom better. Oh, at first I judged her (in my heart, of course). How dare she thinks she needs a day off! How dare she takes a day off, being a Christian homeschooling mom and all!!!
Well, long story short… I got really sick last year, had a miscarriage in April, found out I probably had adrenal fatigue from lack of sleep, stress and other things, and decided I just had to take sometime to take care of myself. My friend’s weekly day off didn’t sound like a such bad idea after all. 😉
But see here that we need to find out what works for us. While for her a day way from her family, shopping or spending in a cafe reading a novel works; for me, a playdate for my kids with some adult conversation for me is great. Or a day spent in bed reading while the kids play and use computer all day is fine too. I am putting myself to bed early (before midnight), I am eating better (no chocolate or caffeine), trying to exercise and staying in the Word more.
Another thing I am doing is downsizing and de-cluttering. I found out I was spending way too much time in stuff: cleaning and taking care of it. Necessary for some people, but I found that it was draining my energies, my joy. I wanted more time to spend with the kids instead of cleaning and taking care of stuff. It’s a slow process but I am feeling better. I sleep better, I am doing less screaming, spending more time having a good time (no playing Candyland for me either) with my kids, lost some weight without trying to, got a tan and even the smile on my face is back.
Jesus came so that “there is , now, no more condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus.” It is sad that we put ourselves under it when He has freed us from it once and for all.
BTW, you story with your daughter has inspired me to change some of the things I was doing with my daughter. While she doesn’t have the same diagnosis as yours, I was struggling with her strong temperament. We are doing so much better. One of the things we did was to set firmer boundaries. I think as moms we let that slide a lot. We all need boundaries for safe keeping and happier lives. Thank you for writing this series.
PS. I know some women stretch themselves thin trying to serve at church. After my first child was born (11 years ago) I stopped serving in church because I felt I needed to focus my energies at home. I found out a couple of months ago, that my main ministry has been helping and encouraging other moms. I find myself hosting pool parties at my house, babysitting for friends that need a break, helping out with meals and health information, selling things for them on Ebay, making cards for our troops abroad, etc. Although it “seems” I am not serving my church, I am serving THE church. We got to get ourselves out of our box thinking. 😉
Lots of great things here—thank you for sharing! I’m coming over for a swim!
I am enjoying this series very, very much. I think you are very brave, and although it sounds like this a tumultuous time (or, maybe the ending-part?! of one) for your family, I hope you all reap many benefits–especially, spiritual ones.
), you don’t ‘just’ need a break…you need new shoes. Or a better hydration system. Or smarter fuel next time, different pace, etc. Or or or….not just to throw yourself on your ankles and gulp for air–which is sort of what “me time” makes me think of! And it happens! But it doesn’t really improve your next run, either. I wish women would stop comparing: SHE gets more help, more time off, etc. Run your race, and “if any of you has needs, let him ASK”!!!! The Lord first. And be prepared, maybe, to hear something that you don’t like that can change your life.
Many thoughts about this topic. In December, if the Lord completes things the way we hope He will, I will deliver my fourth baby in five years and I’ll begin 2015 with four children, five and under. This is about 180 degrees from where I expected, even six years ago, to be at this point in my life; my husband and I had no intentions to have children, I was very invested in my career as a musician and scholar, and headed to either a doctorate or a Ph.D. I was very sure that I was not “meant” to be a mother, because…why ELSE would the Lord have given me these dreams/desires/abilities? Through a very frank study of the Bible (and a very courageous friend who presented it!), the Lord plainly asked me: Did I think that, IF they were abilities/desires/dreams HE had given me, that He would not use them for HIS glory, in HIS way, and in HIS time? Were they HIS, for me to steward through obedience to him, or were they basically like ‘birthday money’ to blow as I chose? And, much to my husband’s great delight, six weeks later we were pregnant and the rest, is history. I don’t have time or energy to spend on Beethoven and Scriabin, and that does make me sad. But as I struggle to keep my priorities-in-practice in step with what I see the Lord guiding me towards through prayer and study of Scripture…there just isn’t time. I carry what seems like a HUGE burden, but it is the Lord’s burden for me and I find that truly, as He promised, when I take the yoke that He has for me to carry, my burden is light. It is when I think, hey, I’ll just loop on a few little things….that boom, I’m crumpled up in pity and feeling like the only solution is me-time. I don’t think a break is wrong. But sometimes when you run a race (and btw, this lifestyle has put a cramp in my marathon training
Thank you for commenting, Amanda! Have you checked out my Three Decades of Fertility book? It would encourage you. I have to say, I would have agreed with you about the whole “me-time” thing ten years ago. I’m a die-hard who thought I could do it without any help or any breaks. But after major burn out, I’ve realized God didn’t wire us women to run marathons alone. Yes, there are times we have no choice. But if He provides a way for us to get some down time – I know now it is a wise thing to accept that gift (even ask for it!) and let it recharge us. Even God rested on the seventh day. Moms don’t get that seventh day off unless other Christians come alongside and help provide some respite at some point in the week. A husband is someone who can be a great resource, if he is willing and able. Just my two cents worth 20 years into the “run.”
And, I have definitely been blessed with a husband who will if necessary SEND me out for coffee alone, and help from completely unexpected places that have been straight from God. My husband is in the military, and our last two children were born in Japan…which left me across the world from any family through two pregnancies/deliveries/first years. And help was literally, miraculously, there! And now we are three days’ drive from family, in a church that is brimming with girls who volunteer their help, for free. I do enjoy a break, and I certainly respect your experience…I guess what I hope women also get is that the Lord can stretch us in the most glorious ways, too. I mean, I have friends who don’t think they can do the dishes without putting their (one!) 2yo in front of a movie because they are convinced: it is THE. ONLY. WAY. to get the dishes done. And then there are all the people google-eyed that we have #4 on the way because “they could never handle that many kids”…. Me time is not wrong, breaks are not wrong, and our own enjoyment is not wrong. But I think for every home-schooling-burned-out super mom (like my mom, with nine hs’d kids 😉 ), there are women who haven’t worked up the nerve to step out of the boat so to speak because they’ve established “their needs” And that’s that. It may be that my experience started off very different from yours, since there were lots of “mommies and daddies” in my life who were pretty appalled at my decision!
I enjoyed reading your post, Amanda. If you had time you should start a blog. You write well.
It’s truly a faith walk. I believe a lot of women (people) just don’t want to jump in the water. And then, if they don’t, how can they walk ON water??!! 😉 The Lord is with you.
Amanda, I enjoyed reading your post as well. It really resonated with me as someone who had thought I wasn’t cut out for motherhood, academically oriented and had had my ‘fill’ of children as the oldest child of 13. If you had told me 6 years ago (on my wedding day) that in the next 6 years I would have 5 children 5 and under with one on the way, you’d have gotten a good laugh and a hearty pat on the back–but God. He had other plans for my life. In so many ways, I feel like He is breaking me in this time of rapid growth…yet he is merciful and knows what I can bear. He has provided me with a wonderful husband who views himself as a servant to our family even as he leads with strength. More times than I care to admit he has picked up the pieces when my brokenness was just shattering all over the place. God knows what we can handle and He is faithful to provide what we need, as you experienced in China and now with your new ‘family’
Blessings to you Amanda as you continue on the ‘mom journey’. The ‘Three Decades of Fertility’ book is good. Thank you Natalie for writing and compiling it. There’s nothing of the kind out there right now.
*Japan, not China