By Contributing Writer, Tyanne
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Ephesians 6:1-3
At 17 years old, I loved Jesus with all of my heart. It had been three years since I came to faith, and with youthful arrogance I had come to believe that I was living quite righteously before the Lord. I was leading Bible studies for peers, attending church, sharing my testimony at youth ministry events, and sharing the Gospel with friends and even high school teachers.
Publicly I was a model youth group member who voluntarily served coffee to senior adults on Sunday mornings. In the privacy of my home with my family of unbelievers I was a typical American teenager who spoke to her mother in a hateful tone and defied her parents commands on a daily basis. I showed no gratitude for their provision but instead looked down on them for their shortcomings and lack of Christian faith.
I was blatantly sinning against God and my parents during this time, but I did not acknowledge my sin or recognize its toxic presence in my life. And then one day, in the midst of a particularly ugly moment between my mother and I, she said something that cut through my heart like a sword.
Looking sternly into my mocking expression she said, “You might have everyone around you believing you are a ‘good Christian,’ but that Bible you’re carrying around also commands that you honor your mother and father, and I know the truth about you.”
She was right, and I knew it.
The Truth About Honoring Our Parents
The conviction I felt in that moment and the days following began a lifelong challenge to honor and respect my parents. God used Scripture in the mouth of an unbeliever to humble my arrogant heart and confront me with the sin I was harboring in my relationship with my mother. I did not realize at the time the temptation to disrespect and dishonor my mother and father would last far beyond my time in their household.
While most of you reading this today are no longer under the authority of your parent’s household, we are not off the hook in our call to honor our mothers and fathers in every stage of life. Whether we are working our way through college or a career, starting families, parenting teenagers of our own, or trying to help our parents into their older years, we need to consider how we can best treat our parents with the honor and respect they are entitled to under God’s design.
Unfortunately, relationships between parents and their adult children are often the most conflict-ridden, confusing, and bitter relationships we maintain as Christians. It is also a relationship that our culture has come to embrace as dysfunctional. We are living in a world that encourages us to place blame, complain, and hold grudges quite liberally, and secular psychology has done an excellent job convincing us that no one is more deserving of our accusations and bitterness than our parents—the supposed source of every adult’s emotional problems.
In contrast to our world’s standards, we need to be Christians who fight to live in right relationship with our parents even when the world tells us we have every right to remain bitter and angry for a lifetime.
A Variety of Complications
By the grace of God, some of you are blessed with excellent relationships with your parents. I suspect that the majority of you, however, have matured into adulthood and struggled to honor God in your relationship with your mother, father, or both. It is, without a doubt, a relationship that is complicated by more years of life, trials, and experiences than any other relationship.
Sometimes the strain in our relationships with our parents is heavily rooted in our own sinful pasts:
- We developed a comfortable habit of disrespect in our teen years that has proved difficult to break.
- We failed to obey our parents in big and small ways that have caused them long-term hurt or embarrassment, and we have not sought forgiveness or reconciliation.
- We fear proclaiming Christ and defending our Christian life in front of our parents for fear they may bring up our past failures and accuse us of hypocrisy.
- We simply struggle to live life as a “new creation” in the context of our past selves.
In addition to these examples, we may also experience strain as we hold on to memories of our parent’s failures and perceived faults, some of which continue to cause conflict in our lives. Examples may be:
- Our parents are not Christians and disagree with Biblical truth.
- They mistreated us or neglected our needs as children, in some cases quite severely.
- They made decisions in their parenting with which we fully disagree, and we are determined to parent our children differently.
- They ARE professing Christians, but we struggle to see evidence of fruit in their lives and experience worry over their salvation or feelings of judgment toward their sin.
- They ARE professing Christians, but they hold significantly different views in how they interpret some major themes in Scripture.
The two lists above are just some of the many sources of strain you may be experiencing in your relationship with one or both of your parents. Please do not misunderstand me by thinking that these are all things that simply need to be ignored in order to have a blissful relationship with your parents. Some, if not all of them, are significant issues that are in need of attention in most circumstances.
Even so, I urge you to reject the belief that any of the above complications (or any of your own unique circumstances) provide you with adequate reason to harbor anger or bitterness towards your mother and father. I urge you to reject the idea that you are allowed to speak disrespectfully in conversations with your parents because they truly are wrong in their words or actions. I urge you to reject the lie that you are too estranged from your parents for Christ to work a miracle in your relationship.
Encouragement for Reconciliation
“He who grows in grace remembers that he is but dust, and he therefore does not expect his fellow Christians to be anything more. He overlooks ten thousand of their faults, because he knows his God overlooks twenty thousand in his own case. He does not expect perfection in the creature, and, therefore, he is not disappointed when he does not find it.” – Charles Spurgeon
Many of us will never experience perfect harmony in our relationships with our mothers or fathers, but God has provided us with a spirit of love and peace and given us everything necessary to do our part in honoring them in spite of the hurt and strain. As vessels of the Holy Spirit and ministers of the Gospel of grace, we are equipped to meet our parents—wherever they may be in life and in spite of anything they have done or continue to do—with Christ-like love, unending mercy and grace, and the honor we are commanded to give to them.
If you are struggling to treat a parent with Christ-like love, I am writing to you. If you are experiencing feelings of guilt and embarrassment over the sins of your childhood, I am writing to you. If you are overwhelmed with anger towards a parent or believe you can not forgive them for their offenses, I am writing to you.
If you are simply failing to speak to your mother or father with a respectful tone and attitude, I am most definitely writing to you. I am writing to all of you because you were born into a relationship that is riddled with temptation and opportunity to sin against God and others, and we need to be Christians that desire to flee from of our sins. We need to be Christians that seek to honor God in every relationship, even in the midst of private phone calls we share with our mothers or fathers over difficult topics.
Though the challenges we face in our relationships with our parents may vary greatly, we are given wisdom in Scripture that speaks truth over it all. As we consider working towards reconciliation in our relationships with our parents, keep in mind:
- Christ died for us while we were STILL sinners. (Romans 5:8) By His strength, we must always fight to love others while they remain lost & engulfed in sin.
- We are to forgive as we have been forgiven. (Col. 3:13, Eph. 4:32, Matt. 6:14)
- We are, at all times, Christ’s ambassadors bringing a message of peace and reconciliation. (2 Cor. 5:20)
- We are commanded to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us (Matt. 5:44). At times, this includes our own parents.
- If you have sinned against your mother and father in the past, as most of us have, it is important to confess your sin before them and ask for their forgiveness. (See Matt. 5:23-24 & James 5:16)
- It is possible & necessary to defend and uphold Biblical truth while embodying the fruit of the spirit (Galatians 5:22) & setting aside pride, anger, and hostility.
- This is a spiritual battle that must be fought with the full armor of God. (See Ephesians 6:10-18)
Ongoing Efforts
I am writing you about this topic as someone who continually battles with the temptation to disobey God in my relationship with my parents. I understand the tension that exists as a young adult who is choosing to live my life and parent much differently than my parents did. A short phone call can be a powerful temptation to well up with pride, self-righteousness, judgment, or anger.
I also know how difficult it can be to truly forgive a parent of the hurt they have caused, and likewise how scary it can be to seek my parent’s forgiveness after years of unrepentant sin against them. At times, I have selfishly evaluated the past in ways that excuse my sin and unfairly criticize my parent’s efforts, and this mindset can creep back in at times.
As difficult as it may seem, God calls us to obedience, and He grants us every opportunity to obey by the power of the Holy Spirit within us. Here are some ways that have helped me continue to honor God in my relationships with my parents:
- I pray for my parents every day, and I let them know I pray for them.
- I focus on the qualities I love about them and the ways I am blessed by my parents, and I specifically thank God for those things.
- I am careful to speak respectfully about my parents to others, expressing my love and honoring them even when they are not present.
- When feelings of anger spike within me during an interaction with a parent, I remain silent if possible and ask to continue the discussion at a later time. This allows time for me to calm down, pray, and prepare myself to speak lovingly if it is necessary to continue the conversation.
- When tension arises and must be immediately addressed, I look first at my own fault or responsibility in the matter and repent of any sin that I have committed—no matter how small it may seem. For example: It may be true that the other person was wrong to say what they said to me, but I need to be quick to repent of my own sin in the matter if I responded quickly in anger or reacted in any way that did not honor God or the other person.
- I am careful to explain our biblical convictions or parenting decisions without pointing the finger at what is “wrong” with the alternatives. For example, I do not explain our desire to home school by listing criticisms of public or private school, but instead share ways our family is well-suited for the home schooling approach and the benefits it offers.
- I make patience, kindness, and gentleness a priority, especially when I do not feel like being patient, kind, or gentle.
The Blessings of Obedience
As Ephesians 6:2 tells us, the commandment to honor your mother and father is the first to come with a promise: “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” In my experience this promise has proved abundantly true. I have learned that the benefits of maintaining an honorable relationship with my parents are far worth the spiritual battles I have gone through to experience it.
Beyond the simple peace that we all experience when conflict is resolved, my steps of obedience to this commandment have helped maintain peace in very trying times for my family. I have been blessed to experience changes within my own heart in how I approach family issues, and I have also seen changes in the hearts of other family members in their willingness to hear about Christ and consider God’s role in our lives.
By repenting of my sin and relying on God to take steps of obedience in this area, I have been able to live out and communicate the Gospel to my family more purely and accurately than I could have done in the past.
If you are struggling to step out in obedience in your relationship with a parent, I want to encourage you to see the reward beyond the challenges. Though God might not change anything about your mother or father in the process and the relationship may continue to be strained throughout your life, you will experience God-honoring growth and change in your own heart that will positively impact the future of your relationship and the opportunities you have to share Christ with your family.
A Closing Challenge
I do not know what unique circumstances are causing your relationship with your mother or father to be challenging, but I do know that God desires us to worship Him with pure hearts that are no longer enslaved to sin. Search your heart today as you consider your relationships with your mother and father, and pray that God would begin working in you to repent of any sin and seek reconciliation by whatever steps necessary. It may be an area of sin in your life that you have excused in the past, and today may be the start of your journey towards God-honoring obedience.
Wow! What a timely post and oh, what words I needed to hear! I have made so many excuses for my own behavior but what you have so lovingly stated in your post rings loud and clear: it’s a matter of obedience. Thank you for this post – I have saved it and will come back to it often!
Thank you! There aren’t a lot of articles that out there that talk about honoring our parents in adulthood. I know this is a struggle that many of us have and you have pointed me (hopefully others as well) back to the Bible and to God’s commands. Blessings to you for letting God use you to be a blessing to me!
Thank you, Sarah! I wish you the best in your family relationships!
Excellent post on a difficult topic! Most Christians today seem to believe that their responsibility to honor their parents ends when they graduate from high school and/or leave home. I love the way you point out that we are not longer under their authority, but should treat them with honor and respect as long as they live!! I love the specific ideas you suggested!
Thanks, Elizabeth.
Amazing post. Thank you for addressing this topic. It has helped me greatly to stop, think and pray. Blessings to you!
So glad you were helped by this! Thanks for taking the time to comment!
I would like to (hopefully respectfully and lovingly) share some things that I’ve been learning in regards to this issue. I would like to first say that the Lord, in His grace and mercy, has removed all bitterness and anger toward my parents, and I’m so grateful for that. I can address issues that come up with them in love, with a compassion for their souls that are heading for an eternity without Christ.
I do think, however, that we as Christians often take the command to honor our father and mother and hold it above other commands in scripture, making an entire doctrine based on flawed understanding, and using it as an excuse to disobey God in other areas. For instance, if our parents are unbelievers, I don’t believe scripture supports the idea that the goal should be a reconciled relationship. You lumped believing parents and unbelieving ones together, but I don’t think we can do that biblically. The Bible is clear that our close relationships should be with believers, and we should not associate or yoke with evildoers, nor should we allow our children to be influenced by those walking in sin, or who would try to actively pull them into sin. Going to a Christmas gathering to fellowship with our unbelieving “family”? I don’t find that in the Word. Light has no fellowship with darkness. Instead our fellowship should be with those who are our true family, our brothers and sister in Christ.
Jesus redefined family for us. Consider these scriptures.
“While he was still speaking to the people, behold, his mother and his brothers stood outside, asking to speak to him. But he replied to the man who told him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.” Matthew 12:46-50
Or this one. “Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division. For from now on in one house there will be five divided, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.”
Just because there in conflict, does not mean we are in sin. For instance, many years ago, my mother told me to divorce my husband. I did not obey her, this caused conflict. It is not my job to smooth over the conflict here, or make her “feel” honored. I have found that there is a huge difference between respecting the parents that gave birth to you, and making them FEEL honored. Them feeling honored is not the benchwork by which we are to measure if we are obeying the scripture.
I have purposed that any interaction I have with my blood family will be with the intent of sharing the gospel with them. This does not bring peace. It does not smooth over anything, but in fact they hate me all the more they see Christ working in my life. They hate our decisions, the way we are raising our children, and they do in fact, hate me. But this too is to be expected.
“If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. John 15:18-19
I just wanted to give a different perspective for those reading this that may struggle with unbelieving parents. There is a lot of guilt and shame around the “honor your father and mother” and what some have made that commandment out to be for those of us who must honor them from afar. Blessings sister.
Jess, thank you for taking the time to make some of these distinctions here and provide these scriptural points. It seems that you and I are in close agreement on this issue, but you are wanting to dig deeper into the practical application than I intended to with this post in terms of what it exactly looks like to honor parents when they are non-believers. I have written a post here that might better speak to that specific circumstance and possibly clarify any misunderstanding.
I am meaning to focus strictly on the believers role in their relationship with their parents, and communicate that we have a responsibility to conduct ourselves in specific ways regardless of how a non-believing parent may respond to us. By no means did I intend to suggest that we are commanded to live in fellowship and unity with our unbelieving parents, and I apologize if that was unclear. I am also someone that works to honor my parents “from afar” and purposes my time with family with intent of sharing the Gospel with them, but it is crucial that I do so while bearing the fruit infused within me by the Holy Spirit and proclaiming grace and mercy throughout. While some do hate me for what I believe and what I proclaim, and we may never agree, my goal must remain the same (to see them reconcile with God through Jesus Christ and as a result be reconciled with them through Christ in the family of God) and my character must not be compromised by responding with disrespect, hateful speech, anger, hostility, or judgment. The important distinction that we must always make is that we are in fact being hated because of Christ in us and His message through us in these circumstances, rather than being hated for our own sinful words and actions that often overflow in times of tension or conflict. Unfortunately, while we would like to claim otherwise, it is often the latter that is inspiring others to respond to us with hate and interfering with our ability to witness.
The message I am communicating above is that we should strive to conduct ourselves in relationship with our parents in such a way that God is honored — that we are seeking to do right in God’s eyes regardless of how our parents may feel or respond. As I say in the post, doing so might not change anything about our parent’s side of the relationship, but we will experience blessings by stepping out in obedience on our side.
Tyanne,
I believe God has given you a platform to speak about a difficult, and yet important topic. Please keep writing as the spirit leads. I have ” issues’ with both my saved parents and my non-Christian in-laws. I have been hurt to the core by one particular family member, and satan finds every opportunity he can to remind me of the pain. I struggle with that, and I am praying to be released of it. I think a big part of my problem is a fear that they will hurt me again… I know that Jesus is the answer to all our problems, I just need to be fully released from unforgiveness and the fear of being hurt again…
One thing I did want to add is that I think sometimes a little humor can help a situation when we simply don’t know what to say. I realized that just last night, when my mom sent an email that was bothered me a little. I prayed about it, and realized that I could answer her with a little respectful humor that also made a point. The great thing about email is that you can pray before you write, and before you hit SEND. I am going to pray more about opportunities to use more humor in awkward situations.
I know that this article was not addressed to the issue of unsaved relatives, and I did read your other article.
I would love to see some type of conversation about ideas for maintaining relationships with unsaved relatives and staying sane. How to be a light, but keep your cool. How much distance to keep is an issue I struggle with. I’ve had to stay my distance during times when I was very vulnerable and was afraid they would rub my wounds a little deeper…. I just went through a very, very. rough personal season, and at times, I was afraid that my vulnerability might even cause me to say the wrong thing to them.
Thank you for the great article, and keep writing!
Thank you for being such an encouragement! I can completely relate to both your struggle with fearing hurt will come again and your appreciation for humor :). I might even be guilty of relying too heavily on humor at some points, but as you say — sometimes I find myself in a situation where I just. don’t. know. what to say and a sense of humor not only keeps things from getting heated, but keeps me from saying something in anger or pride when I shouldn’t.
I definitely hear your desire to dig deeper into the details of those relationships with unsaved family, and I hope that I can eventually write more on this topic as it is something with which I am regularly wrestling and have also received a number of touching emails about. I think there is much wisdom in keeping distance in MANY circumstances. One of the most difficult aspects of writing more on this topic and addressing specific issues that many of us are facing is finding a way to do so that maintains the privacy of my family members and does not damage their reputations in any way. The other challenge is to address it without teaching specific do’s and don’ts that simply can’t be backed up with Scripture. Just as it is with all of our relationships, there is often no clear answer to how we should address a particular situation, but even then we see the most basic principles of our faith build the foundation for our decisions in those times and the Sprit can lead us to what we need to do.
If you are continuing to deal with this rough season and would like some specific encouragement through email, don’t hesitate to contact me at tyannethelamp (at) gmail.com. Thank you again for your comment!
I’ve been trying to find an answer on if I should be honoring my parents! And if if as a child I disoyed my parents. I’m a grown adult that still struggles with this! After reading your article I have realized that I have disobed my parents. And I should apologize for that. )The typical teenage things)But my huge issue is I always disoyed in a way to protect myself from my parents. My Christian father ( how went to church live the life of a perfect man and gave large amounts of money to the chuch)sexual, emotional and verabbly abused me and my younger sister up into my teens. He would always tell me he didn’t respect me because I was just his daughter and he’d always put me down. Once I was old enough to drive I’d never go home id stay with a boyfriend cause I just didn’t want to be home. Id make up things to not be home till I was old enough to live. I’ve always had an uneasy and uncomfortable feeling around my father. With my mother I don’t trust her and Im hurt that she never protected me or my sister after she knew about the abuse. Since moving out I’ve had a stranged relationship with both parents. And as of 6-7 years I do not speak to them. Since this time has past my father was charge with sexually abusing my nephews and did jail time. So my question is how can you honor parents who behavior is wrong and sinful?? I do try my hardest to not talk badly about them anymore when I’m asked about them. And I also try hard not to think bad things with the unbelievable things they still continue to to do. I need to know that I’m not sinning against my parents even at the age of 37!! I also want to mention I’ve forgiven both parents and I have set boundary lines for my relationship with them because I have childern and I don’t want to be hurt or put my kids in harms way. Am I sinning and did I sin as a child when I only felt I was protecting myself. Thank you for your time!
First of all, I’m so sorry you have suffered much abuse, fear, and confusion. Just because someone calls themselves a Christian, doesn’t mean they are. Abusers are all about lies and smokescreens, and many of them use Christianity as a cover. (Wolf in sheep’s clothing.) When the Holy Spirit dwells inside a person, they become a new creation. They still sin, but their lives are marked by humility, repentance, and a movement toward healing and wholeness in their relationships.
Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (1 Corinthians 6:9-11)
To “honor” means to “give weight to.” It simply means that you listen and consider someone’s feedback. It doesn’t mean you do everything they say. We can show honor to authority, but when they ask us to do something sinful, we do not obey. Or when they abuse their authority, we do not cover up and hide. We do not protect them. We protect the innocent. It isn’t sinful to have healthy boundaries and protect your children. That’s wise!
I recommend subscribing to a couple of blogs designed to help women understand abuse and protect themselves.
Leslie Venicks blog: http://leslievernick.com/blog/
A Cry for Justice: http://cryingoutforjustice.com/
HUGS!
Vermonter, I just want to put my arms around you and take away the pain of your past. Nobody, nobody should have to go through what you did as a child. I pray that the Lord will heal you and your sister and all that your father hurt. The pain of his mistreatment, the disappointment you feel in your mother, the uncertainty of trying to find safe haven elsewhere, may he take away the pain of all that. Just please, please don’t give up on the Lord. Yes, we are to forgive, but God also says, “As much as is possible, live at peace with everyone.” So, God must know that there are some you can’t live around in peace, meaning also, safety. You are wise to protect your children and to have boundaries. May the Holy Spirit fill you with His love, joy, peace, patience, faith, self-control, and bless you in every way. Hugs and more hugs.
Hello,
I was wondering if you could answer some questions for me…
One of your points was to confess our sin to our parents (for committing it against them). How did you go about it? That is, how did you start the conversation, what did you say, and how did you word it?
I know I have to do this but I really don’t want a relationship afterwards. I suppose I can provide the apology but after that, my heart’s desire is for them to stay out of my life. I simply don’t want a relationship with them. Except that defeats the whole point of confessing the sins in the first place.
How did you go about it?
Anonymous
This post was written a couple of years ago when I had some writers contributing to this blog. I didn’t write this post. BUT – I recommend the book Foolproofing Your Life by Jan Silvious. That book will give you very clear and specific information/help for your situation!