By Guest Writer Kaylin Brinckley
“Oh, give thanks to the LORD, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.” (1 Chronicles 16:34)
God has given me so many gifts. Thousands. A few of my most precious gifts are my husband and four children. Sometimes God allows us to enjoy His gifts for a long time. I’ve enjoyed twelve years of marriage to my dear husband. I consider every moment to be a privilege. Other gifts are more temporary. My youngest son, Eliot David, was one of those gifts. God lent him to us for thirty-four weeks and two days.
A Gift
It was Christmas Eve when my suspicion of this unexpected blessing was confirmed. What a Christmas present! We were thrilled. We had wanted another child so badly, someday. Our three other children, ages 10, 6, and 3, had prayed for over a year that God would give them a new baby brother or sister. But since my husband was working three jobs, over 60 hours per week, we were hesitant to plan for another child.
So we prayed that God would show us when to have another baby while also praying that He would provide a job that would replace my husband’s three jobs. God answered both prayers at once as we got a job offer and a positive pregnancy test in the same week.
“Oh, give thanks to the LORD, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.”
We prayed for our baby’s health and for his soul, and we praised God for entrusting us with another precious soul to nurture and bring up in the fear and admonition of the Lord. My pregnancy was uneventful. Every visit to the midwives was a good one. Excitement filled our home as we anticipated the newest member of our family. We pulled all the baby clothes out of storage and set up the crib.
“Oh, give thanks to the LORD, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.”
A Treasure Lost
Then one Monday my precious baby didn’t move. I ate some extra sugar and lay down, and still he didn’t move, so I went to the midwife. She checked his heartbeat and it was perfect, so she reassured me that he was probably just a little sleepy and I shouldn’t worry. But just to be safe, she scheduled a non-stress test for 10:00 the next morning.
The next morning at 9:20 my husband called, knowing I was still worried about our baby. I sat on the bed to talk and my baby moved! He moved about 8 times over the next 10 minutes! I was so relieved. He was still alive! He was fine!
“Oh, give thanks to the LORD, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.”
I drove to my non-stress test singing Be Still My Soul. As I chatted with the nurse she hooked me up to the machine. But the non-stress test that was intended to be a reassuring precaution confirmed my worst fear. My sweet baby was gone. The baby that God had given me—no, lent to me—was no longer mine to enjoy.
The next several days filled with hospital, funeral home, and grave were only the beginning of the darkest days of my life. I always thought that giving birth to a dead baby must be the hardest experience a woman could endure.
I was wrong.
Much worse than the physical pain of induced labor with no anticipated reward was an emotional pain I did not expect. I held my precious son, kissing him and studying every bit of his little body. I moved in the night and instinctively worried that I would wake Eliot. Then I wept, knowing that nothing would wake him. And all the while I knew that every moment that I spent with him meant I was that much closer to the time that I would have to leave the hospital without him. By far the worst pain was leaving my son—and leaving a part of myself—behind.
How do we even begin to process this kind of pain?
“Oh, give thanks to the LORD, for He is good? For His mercy endures forever??”
Questions with No Answers
Where are the answers to all of the questions and uncertainties we face? Why did this happen? It must have been my fault. I must have done something. Maybe I ate too much chocolate. Maybe I was too stressed. I should have had a C-section on Monday night. I asked the questions, but most of them didn’t have answers. We will never know why Eliot died. Unfortunately modern medicine simply doesn’t know everything. Does God really expect us to give thanks in the midst of our anguish? On top of that, we’re supposed to give thanks for His goodness? Because His mercy endures forever?
David’s expression of dependence upon God in such circumstances rings so true. In Psalm 119:92 he states, “Unless Your law had been my delight, I would then have perished in my affliction.” God’s Word answers the important questions.
Why did Eliot die? Because our sovereign, good God ordained it so. This is an extremely comforting truth. My baby’s death was not a random event. Each one of my son’s days were planned by God a long time ago. We just watched His plan unfold. God took Eliot home because that was best for him and us.
He took Eliot because of His mercy, not in spite of it. I don’t know what kind of pain God may have spared Eliot. I do know that He is good and that He loves Eliot more than I do. He is the author of the stories of our lives. If I could write the story would I want to write it differently than God, the all wise, all knowing, all good Creator of the universe? No.
Our Response
So what now? If I believe that God is good and sovereign and His plan is perfect what should my response be? What does a woman who fears the Lord do? What does she feel?
I’m incredibly sad, even heartbroken. I live my life now with tears constantly below the surface, waiting for something to bump me and cause them to spill over. Knowing that God is good and that He took Eliot in His mercy comforts me tremendously, but it doesn’t make it hurt less. It doesn’t remove the ache in my arms that emptiness left behind.
I feel as though there is a shadow over my life; that the things I have always enjoyed aren’t quite as enjoyable anymore. I’m told that the shadow will lift some as time moves on but will never completely disappear. A dear friend gave us the book Heaven, by Randy Alcorn. Oh how I’ve devoured that book! Suddenly I have a great desire to know what heaven is like and I can’t wait to go there and be with my son! But then I’ve felt a little guilty. Why do I want to go to heaven so much more now than I did before Eliot died? Shouldn’t I want to go to heaven to see Christ, not my son?
The Bible tells us clearly that we are to love God most, that we should treasure the Giver more than His gifts. Psalm 73:25 says, “Whom have I in heaven but you? And on earth there is nothing I desire besides you.” Nothing? Does this mean that I should desire God instead of Eliot?
No. While God commands us to love Him fully, He has also generously given us good gifts to enjoy. We worship Him by being thankful for His gifts and praising Him for them. God designed me to have a mother’s heart. He created me to love my children and treasure them. He created my desire to hold and nurture my children. If I didn’t deeply desire my son it would be a denial of God’s design.
Honoring the One Who Gives and Takes Away
I honor God with my desire and love for my children. At the same time I honor Him with my submission to His will. Will I accept from God only the gifts I want? When He gives me a gift to enjoy for a short while, will I turn against Him because I wanted more? His obvious plan was to give me only thirty-four weeks with Eliot. I honor God by being thankful for all thirty-four weeks.
“Oh, give thanks to the LORD, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.”
Although my desire to hold and nurture Eliot is still very real, I am thankful that Eliot is safe in the arms of Jesus, completely happy, and loved. And after placing my son in the ground I have a deeper understanding of Psalm 103:13, “As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear Him.”
Joe Rigney’s Sermon, “Why Did God Create THIS World?” provided great insight and peace in this area. I highly recommend listening to it.
Joy is a Choice
As mothers we are constantly called to sacrifice for our children. I must have self-sacrificial joy for Eliot. If I could choose between my happiness and my son’s, of course I would choose his happiness. So I have to remember that Eliot is completely happy—much happier than I could ever make him.
The Bible calls us to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. I must choose to rejoice with Eliot because I know that he is happy. I’m thankful that my tears are for my own pain and not Eliot’s. I’m thankful to God for giving me my son, even for a short while. His short life enriched my own. He was a gift that I treasure along with my three other children. By God’s grace I can echo James 1:17, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.”
“Oh, give thanks to the LORD, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.”
I am Kaylin’s aunt. In my life, I have watched her grow, flourish as a wife and mother, but never in my wildest imagination did I ever think she would help me through my own pain. I too lost a baby to the arms of God many, many years ago. But, at that time we were told all the trite statements: It was too early for her to live, you will get over it, you don’t need to cry because God wanted her more than you needed her. So, for 47 years the memory of my first-born daughter was stuffed beneath the story of my life. My children knew about her but they didn’t know much about what I felt. Eliot’s death helped me see that it was OK to grieve and mourn and now I do. We finally gave our baby her name and my two girls have promised that we will set up a place that honors their sister. Thank you Kay, for your openness and love for God that allows you to share.
JoAnne, thank you for sharing this. I think many older women have suffered in silence because of the way our culture responded to a baby’s death. I lost a first born baby girl as well 21 years ago, so I know the pain you felt. When we lose a treasure, we never forget.
Aunt JoAnne,
One of the many things for which I have given thanks is that I lost my son at this time and not 50 years ago. In the early days as we reeled with the news that our baby had died we had to rely on others to show us what to do and how to feel. Hold him? Take pictures? Have a funeral? Get an autopsy? I found myself unable to make decisions and I had no idea what I wanted. We were blessed with a wonderful hospital staff that helped with a lot of that. But also my parents told us in the hospital to take plenty of pictures because Aunt JoAnne was never able to see her baby and doesn’t have any pictures. So we took lots of pictures. Thank you. Thank you for all of your love and support for us. We love you so much. I can’t wait to meet my cousin someday.
Kaylin, thank you for being vulnerable here and sharing a painful part of your life. I am praying it will be a rich blessing for other women who have aching hearts and empty arms.
Thank you for the opportunity, Natalie. Writing it has helped me as well. I was just reading in Joshua 4 about setting up memorials to remember what God has done so that we can tell our children and we never forget God’s goodness.
Thank you for writing this. My own precious son and daughter-in-law lost their firstborn, Joseph, at 42 weeks. Many of the emotions that you described were exactly what my daughter-in-law has expressed. Grandpa and Grandma were grief-stricken as well, not only by losing a precious grandchild, but also at seeing their children going through a trial that is wished on no one. Now, another life is being formed in the womb, due in about 5 weeks. We are trusting the Lord for life. May the Lord comfort the many mothers whose babies are in heaven, safe in the arms of Jesus.
Bonnie, I’m so sorry for your loss. Congratulations on your new grandbaby! I’m so thankful that you are able to trust in God, who keeps babies safe in His arms. One of my sweetest memories is of my dad singing “Safe in the Arms of Jesus” while holding Eliot in the hospital. I have feared that if God chooses to bless us with another baby that I will worry my whole pregnancy instead of the customary first trimester, after which everything is usually ok. So I have determined, in preparation for another baby, to give thanks for each day that I’m pregnant with my next baby. Every day my baby is alive is a good day. But what if I lose that baby too? Well, if God chooses to take that baby I will be heartbroken again, but trust that it was part of His plan. Life is never certain, every day a gift. I’m sure I will not perfectly execute this predetermined resolve, but by God’s grace He will help me one day at a time. Blessings to you and your family, especially your sweet son and daughter-in-law.
Kaylin thank you for sharing your story in such an authentic and God honoring way. You continue to be in my prayers…even just this morning I was praying for you in the early morning. Thank you for building my faith by sharing yours.
Thank you so much, Eliza. Your prayers have been invaluable to me. Hugs.
My heart just breaks for you. I’m so sorry. But wow, what a beautiful faith God is giving you through this. Stay strong dear sister. You are being lifted up to the Lord in prayer for continuous comfort that only He can bring.
Thank you so much for your prayers, Kari. I truly believe that all the prayers that have been lifted up for us have sustained us. God has answered and continues to do so. Thank you.
I am so moved. There are simply no words.
I wondered about experiencing enormous pain during Thanksgiving and Christmas. My mind was unable to keep focus and so I chose to use a devotional during that season. It centered upon Advent and the many scriptures referring to Christ’s coming to us. The one that jumped out at me and is my anchor for the past 7 wks is Luke 1:78-79. My own paraphrase: “By the tender mercy of our God, the Rising Sun has come from heaven, to shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our steps to the path of peace.” I love to watch the sunrise–it is a reminder to me daily that God is in control and BIG things are happening that I do not understand. So that verse really meant a lot to me and ministers to me when I am restless. I pray that it ministers to any who are hurting, especially you, Kaylin. This old sin-sick world is full of darkness and death, but Jesus came to show us how to live. He is all we have that matters and He will prove Himself to us as we take the time to know Him. Thank you for sharing your story. The Lord has blessed you with wisdom. May others be encouraged by your words. I appreciate the opportunity to share, also. God bless all who seek.
Thank you for sharing those beautiful verses, Debbie. I have copied them down. What sweet truth. Thanksgiving and Christmas were hard. There is always someone missing. Our family pictures are always incomplete. But at the same time Eliot gave us renewed reason to celebrate Christmas. I love the line in the song “Christmas Communion” that says, “Look beyond the cradle and behold the cross.” We appreciate Christ’s incarnation like we never have before. Because Christ came to earth and died on the cross He was able to raise Himself up and conquer death. Our baby will not stay in the grave! This is not the end for him! My husband and I have always believed this truth, but we believe it now with much more depth than we ever have! Praise God for sending Jesus to conquer death and the grave! This is one of the gifts that Eliot gave me. When I think of Eliot, I think of Christ’s resurrection. What a sweet reminder.
What a perfect time to read this. We just celebrated the eight year anniversary of the home going of our fifth born child, Baby Boaz. We too experienced these same raw emotions that Kaylin shares here. I think that the most difficult part for me personally was having to experience so much grief myself while watching my four young children grieve as well. It was a time of hard personal work as the LORD walked through the grieving process with all of us. My husband was a source of loving strength as well, though he was grieving too… albeit in a different way then I was. The pain never really “goes away” but rather by God’s amazing grace we learn to live with it. I remember being almost angry that “my whole life had changed” when the lives of my other Momma friends just went on… Yes, life is very fleeting. In these eight years since Baby Boaz has gone to live in Heaven with Jesus, the LORD has graciously blessed us with three more little ones. Number six blessing is a precious little guy with Special Needs due to a somewhat rare genetic disorder called Noonan Syndrome. Number 7 and 8 joined our family through the amazing miracle of adoption. Though these little ones never had the privilege of knowing Baby Boaz in the same way that our older four children had, they talk about their “big brother in Heaven” and even tell us that they are excited to join him there one day so we can all be together. I praise God that our family was blessed with with our dear Baby Boaz even though it was for such a short time. Praise the LORD for this opportunity to share about these precious little lives that mean so much!
Cynthia, thank you so much for sharing your story. How do you celebrate Baby Boaz? I’ve read about several ideas – having a cake, planting a tree or bush in a park or at a nursing home, releasing balloons outside for Baby to “catch” in heaven. Do you have special traditions for Baby Boaz’s homegoing?
I see what you mean about the challenge of grieving with the other children. I’m thankful that our three other children were able to come to the hospital to see and hold Eliot. Our four-year-old daughter was quite confused and uncomfortable. I don’t think she still really understands, but we still talk about it. Our 11 and 7-year-old sons have grieved deeply. They really understand. I’m thankful, though, that we have an opportunity to guide them in their grief. It’s a rare child that experiences death so closely. I didn’t. The only people in my life who had ever died before were my grandparents and I was in my late twenties when they went to heaven. They were very godly, very old, and ready to go be with Jesus. Randy Alcorn has a kids’ version of his book on heaven (called Heaven for Kids). We have been reading that for family devotions. What an opportunity we have to raise our children with a heavenward mindset!
What a blessing that God has given you three more children. Such treasures.
Thank you again for sharing your experience. May the Lord bless you as you continue on your journey.
Kaylin, may God bless this sharing of your heart to the healing of many. I am thankful that it is OK to mourn.
Me too, Jeannette. We have a compassionate God. Thank you.
This was perfect for me today. Sunday will be Noah’s 6th birthday. He isn’t here to celebrate with us but we remember him, each and every day. His short life (25 weeks) has impacted so many. His precious breast milk went to 11 premature babies in the local NICU, his life opened the door for me to become a bereavement doula and train others to do the same.
We have been asked, so many times, how our family survived Noah’s death. And, over and over again our reply is “Jesus”. That’s the only way we stayed together as a family, grew closer and our faith became stronger.
Tank you for sharing your heart with us.
Thank you for sharing your story, Linea. What a wonderful testimony of God’s grace in your life. Thank you for using your life to help so many others. What a ministry you have. I pray God’s rich blessing on you and your family.
What wonderful notes of encourgement and words of interchange. I am one of Eliot’s Grandmas, and am being blessed by this account of Eliot’s life and influence on all those of us left here who mourn, who don’t understand these heavenly things while we are earth-bound. What good thoughts Debbie alluded to: that even the sunrise reminds us that bigger things are going on that we don’t understand. Whenever I think of elements of nature (cells, snow, melting snow and God’s recycling system, family and the continuation of the human race, the sense and the sensibility of the way God’s whole cosmos fits together and works with each part complementing and sustaining the other parts – except for sin and the way humans have messed things up… ), I cannot but bow before His majesty. We don’t understand, but He knows!! Yesterday, a lady asked me if I had children, and I told her that I have 8. She replied, “You crazy lady!” Sorry, ma’am. I have eight (and more) blessings that point me continually to my God, the author, giver and sometimes taker of life. Amazing how each generation can be used by God to teach other generations and to point to Christ. Thank you Eliot, David and Kaylin, and God for lessons learned and still to be learned! Thank you Lord, for the blessings of life and death.