I’ve got 24 blog post drafts waiting to be finished. 24. Two years ago I was regularly writing at least three articles a week. Now I’m lucky if I get one or two finished per month. It’s been a crazy season of life, and I’m waffling all over the place about whether or not to share it with anyone.
On the one hand, when we dare to stick our necks out and reveal the darkest secrets of our hearts, we open ourselves up to the possibility of seeing that those big and scary things in the dark aren’t quite so terrible in the light of revelation.
But what if they are worse in the light? And fear grips me. Because I have been vulnerable at times, and that vulnerability has resulted in loss. Mostly loss of what I imagined to be true. For example, I might have imagined that someone was really for me, but when I reveal some truth about myself, I discover they weren’t. That’s painful and scary. It’s tempting to crawl back into my shell and pretend. There’s a strong pull to go back to “normal” which feels safe, even if it isn’t.
I think the reason I can’t seem to publish anything lately is because the truth of my life is brutal right now. And I want to be able to understand it myself first. Organize it in meaningful categories – each one with a cool, totally-makes-sense solution.
The fact is, my life right now makes no sense. All the marriage books I tried to follow for two decades had no answers for what I was experiencing. All the parenting books I marked up and took notes in failed to explain how to parent every child God gave to me.
Everything unraveled. It was a slow unraveling. I scrambled to keep all the pieces and parts together, but it was too much. Someone recently told me I am a “force of nature.” But no amount of force or passion or elbow grease or education or effort of any kind could keep this ship above water. I’ve been at the wheel barking orders and flinging my soul every which way in an effort to save all these precious people I love with every fiber of my being. And we are sunk.
This year, 2015, is my year to simply stand on the deck and gasp in disbelief while everyone sinks. There is nothing I can do to save them. Nothing. Nothing. That repeats itself like a broken record in my head when I’m up until after 1:00 a.m. with a strong 12 yo who has been screaming in my face, grabbing my body, and pulling on me for four solid hours because she’s decided on a whim that she doesn’t want to go bed and it’s not fair that she can’t have what she wants when she wants it (now THAT’S a force of nature) – and when finally my 15 yo starts to sob and shake uncontrollably because she has a test the next day and she just wants to go to bed – and I see her anguish and frustration, I snap and become just like the younger one – sitting on the 12 yo to keep her from hitting and kicking me, screaming in HER face, begging her to shut up and leave us alone – and the little ones are wide awake, waiting for the house to become quiet so they, too, can go to sleep – and when I know that this is just one of several similar incidents that I will continue to face as the days, weeks, and months march on because I have been dealing with them for ten solid years – and when I see how everything I’ve tried and the money I have spent on books and changing curriculum and diet changes and evaluations and therapies and private school – have done absolutely zero – and when I see that puberty is coming into full swing and everything that was bad before is getting exponentially worse –
– it’s easy to feel hopeless. To just want to lay down and die. To be done. To find peace somewhere. But where? My husband no longer lives with us, but my daughter? You can’t ask a daughter to go away until she changes. I love her intensely, and I hate what she is doing to this family. What she is doing to herself. There’s so much guilt and shame and feelings of failure and fear for the future.
This is the raw, ugly truth of my life. I’m not just a mess. I’m a colossal failure on every level. My ship is down, and all that is left is my right hand—no—the tip of my index finger, feebly pointing up above the waves.
“Let me have silence, and I will speak,
and let come on me what may.
14 Why should I take my flesh in my teeth
and put my life in my hand?
15 Though he slay me, I will hope in him;[a]
yet I will argue my ways to his face.
Job 13: 13-15
I am down for the count. Game over. I cry “uncle.” What good am I to anyone? What help do I have to offer? I have no advice. I have no fixes for anyone. Um, take my hand and we’ll all go down together? Yeah, Nat, that’s real encouraging.
So there you have it. That’s why 24 blog post drafts lie unfinished in my draft folder. Because I don’t have the normal life I dreamed of as a little girl. Nothing has turned out like I desperately prayed it would all those years.
But I am going to write. Why? Why the hell should someone like me write? Because I want to. That’s why. I like writing, and I want to do it. Stupid reason? Maybe. I don’t care. I’m going to start writing about this tiny, enclosed black and white room that is my life right now, because I have the notion that others are stuck in rooms like this, too. So I’m going to share the ugliness of it as well as the glimpses of color I see here and there on this canvas. Because I do see them. And they are brighter and more beautiful for the drab background. There is no window or door in this room (oh dear God, do I wish there was – I’d make my escape faster than you could blink), but once in a while I see through the walls to the other side, and it is lovely. I wistfully, longingly wish to be on that side of these walls, but I can be thankful for the itty bitty glimpse of Peaceful and Normal. I can be thankful there IS another side. I can be thankful some people live there (some of you do!) I guess I still hope someday I will.
The other thing about my tiny room is that Someone is in here with me. I don’t always see or feel Him. But if I close my eyes and stop to listen, I can almost always hear Him. He’s a Truth teller – and if I am nothing else, I will be a Truth teller too. That finger above the water – it’s pointing up because that is the only truth I know right now.
So I’ll tell it.
We sing this song (below) at my church sometimes. I want it at my funeral. I hope you have a little time to just let the peace of it wash over you and the truth of it fill those dry, empty cracks in your own heart. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who feels the utter brokenness of life sometimes. If you are stuck somewhere grey and ugly, and you need to see a red tulip in the corner just to know they exist – here’s one for you:
I needed this post today. I too feel like I failed my kids, my family, everyone around me. I feel like nothing I do matters, that I can’t count on anyone, and I am all alone. I actually contemplated just disappearing for a week and letting the chips fall where they may. I am tired of the battle and of trying to keep everything going and together. I am done. I want to quit, to go on strike, and let everyone else deal with everything. I have done everything I know to try to make things bettter, to work stuff out, but everytime I think we’ve gotten to a point of blessing, everything collapses again.
When I try to reach out for help from friends, all I get are trite Christian answers and how I should repent and do this or that or the kids should do this or that. Well shoulds are all well and good, but they will not solve the problem. They just make me want to punch the speaker in the mouth. No one will just listen, let me vent, and pray with me so I can hear what God is saying. And I can’t hear God right now.
I hear you, Dawn. I’ve had all those same thoughts and feelings. Regularly. I want to write more about hearing God, because I think that is a huge problem for a lot of people. The worst fear is being abandoned by God. People are not like Him. They are just as lost as you are – they just don’t feel it. Yet. I try to remind myself of that when someone is towering over me listing a bunch of “shoulds” that ought to fix me and my family if only I’d do them. As if I don’t do them or haven’t done them for decades. I want to write more about what I’ve learned when it comes to each person being responsible for their own stuff, because I think some of us think we are responsible for ourselves AND everyone else. We’re not. I’ve got so much to say on this – but I’ll have to save it for a blog post. You’ve got my brain going now, Dawn! Thank you for sharing here. I hope you’ll hang out with this group of women. There is a safe community here, I believe.
Natalie,
I hear you loud and clear. Yes, there are many of us out ‘here’. I also have many unfinished projects; good intentions gone awry as I work through the rubble.
So much more I could share about ‘me’; you’ve heard part of my story. Presently, the focus is on ‘you’ and how much as a sister-in-Christ via the internet I wish I could be there with you in a physical way … crying, praying and upholding you. The enemy of our souls seeks to destroy us by laying guilt on us as we exhibit the ‘high emotions’ while nurturing our children.
I used to feel extremely guilty for the so-called arguing with ‘him’ as I contended for more clarity in our sick relationship. The A CRY FOR JUSTICE blog clarified and confirmed my misgivings. I’m still very weak but also angry and women have a right to be righteously angry at the sin we are facing.
Hang in there Natalie. You are loved by many especially because you are not displaying a façade of a Christ-honouring mother where everything is just so very, very perfect! What is perfection? Only the Lord is perfect and He watches over us. ((hugs & prayers))
Thank you. Oh, my – do I totally agree with all you’ve shared. And A Cry for Justice has been a lifeline to me for a year and a half. I literally drink in the Truth spoken there every single day. It keeps my feet from wandering into wishful, La La land thinking. The subject of anger? GREAT topic. I want to write more about that, too. ((Hugs right back.))
I’m so sorry, Natalie. I have no words for you, just that I’m praying for you. I wish I could bring you a cup of coffee and a hug.
I have 4 kids and often I feel that I just cannot manage all their diverse needs at once. It’s not humanly possible.
Thank you, Sarah. The job is beyond us. That’s where God must step in and do His Thing. I beg Him every day to make up for my lack. I tell my kids, “I am not God. God is not like me. I wish I could be just like Him, but I fail. Please forgive me. Please pray for me. And please know that I love you in the best human way possible, but it will never be all the love you need. Jesus loves you THAT way.” And then I pray it sinks in and takes root and bears fruit one day.
You are not a failure! You are doing the best you can with what God has given you. Why has God given you this? So you will always turn to Him and that is what you are doing. I feel your pain and my heart goes out to you. It will get better and I will pray for you. If I could I would so like to do more for you. You are in my thoughts.
Thank you, Loretta. Yes. I do see that in the Bible a lot – desperate people reaching for God. I think He loves it when we get to the end of ourselves and need Him like that. He is close to the brokenhearted, even when we can’t feel Him.
Oh, Natalie, thank you so much for sharing…I wish I had some wonderful comforting words that made it all go away. All I have to offer is the knowledge that I, too, have a hand raised upward toward my Help, while I bob in the tide, tired of all the books and conferences and trying just to continue standing still, but unable and unwilling to let go of my Hope. Sorry I don’t have more than that, but please know, you are definitely not alone: in your pain and in your hope in The Truth, you are not alone.
Continue writing and I will continue reading…
Thank you, Wanda! We’ll hang to our Hope together!
Dear Natalie,
You are not alone…and you are not a failure. You suffer, as I do, as many others do, from the illusion that we have some control over these painful circumstances. I relate so much to your pain and to your anguish at the realization that no amount of effort seems to make any difference. I have sobbed through many dark hours of the night, mentally flogging myself for not doing things differently…and the fear, oh the fear comes to suffocate me in those hours.
Your beautiful writing expresses the thoughts and feelings of many of us…we do not have this gift, and it is a blessing to see that our thoughts and feelings are valid and that we are not alone either.
I’m so sorry for the agony you face, and are still facing. I am praying for you and your family. I just want to encourage you, as you have encouraged me today. This life has so much hard. But, you have reminded me that, sometimes, it is not in our power to fix the hard. May God give us all the strength and faith to persevere, even when things seem hopeless…
Blessings to you, dear Natalie.
It was SO HARD to press that “publish” button last night. But THIS – these words you just wrote – are exactly what I was hoping and praying for. I have so wanted to put into words what I know so many of us are going through. The fear of being the only one is huge though. I don’t know why. It is an “illusion” as you put it. But I don’t want to be the only one – and I don’t want you to be the only one. I really want to walk this in a safe community together. Praying for you now.
Natalie,
I’m so thankful you pushed that “publish” button … BECAUSE you have once again exposed the anguish of many a torn-apart soul. We’ve all read the books like you did; we tried harder. What has been overwhelming and put me into a state of shock is to have three … all three adult daughters favour their father! All I know is that the Word does not ‘suggest’ but implies very strongly that “in the last days …” many will turn against family members.
So, as we stand against the enemy, let us remember that he is using the children quite often to cut into our hearts and minds.
But the Lord is our strength and our REDEEMER.!
Praying for strong, true Christians to come forward and stand in the gap for the vulnerable.
Serious heart ache. I’ve seen that over and over again in people’s lives. When you implement boundaries, you look like a meanie. People who have no boundaries (like children and adults who haven’t learned how to do that) don’t like it, and triangulation can take place. Strangulation too, if you’re not careful. (Just kidding about that last part.) Loving people who don’t love back is hard, hard, hard. HARD! Sometimes love means better boundaries and letting go. Only God can give each of us the wisdom to know what is best in our own situation. And we will make mistakes and screw up. There is so much here to write about – but I’ll have to table it for a post. 🙂 Hugs.
I am holding you up! Please see us (readers) as your friends that tore off the roof to bring their broken friend to Jesus!! You are loved with an everlasting love.
I wish we could meet in person, but I meet you at Jesus feet.
Oh wow. I love that picture of the roof coming off. I literally have tears thinking about that. Someday. Thank you so much for praying. What a sweet gift.
Amen!
We have alot of similarities to our story.
If you want to email me privately, I may have some answers for you about your child.
I have a 16 year old with ADHD and Aspergers…he used to extremely aggressive and violent.
And no, you don’t have to have all the answers. Keep reminding people Who does. That’s all you can do sometimes.
And it’s hard to delight in weaknesses (I don’t know anyone who does), etc BUT in God’s mysterious ways this is when we are strong!:
“That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor 12:10”
Thank you!
Oh Natalie…
Words fail me, but I MUST try to say this. My heart is so broken right now. The place you are in? I am right there, with you. The last few days have been especially difficult for me. A gigantic cloud of dark depression has been hanging over me and I got to the point of not even wanting it to go away, but just engulf me. To deliver me from this life. Some days, i feel so strong, so confident that leaving was the right thing to do. And I KNOW that it was. But then there are days where the doubts are clamoring in my head…was it THAT bad? Is all this heartache and unknown, better than the way it was before? Then the voices of all the “should-ers” come back in my head. When I left my husband, I left my church. And I had a few (literally 3) people reach out to me at that time. I was hurt by the pastor and associate pastor, deeply. And all I see around here is the same kind of thinking. It has been 2 weeks shy of a year since I left my husband. It has been that long since I left church. I so miss worshiping with believers. I so miss TRUSTING people. I have ONE friend, one TRUE friend, on this earth. And I am scared to death to be a heavy burden that just drags them down with me. I KNOW that Jesus is here with me, I KNOW that He loves me and is for me and says I am priceless. I KNOW that He has this. But, I’m just not feeling it right now. If He has this, WHY did He let it get so messed up? If He has this, WHY is my 11 year old son doing everything in his power to destroy me? This season of my life has caused me to ask why a lot. I used to never ask why. I believed asking why of God was the same as unbelieving, a show of mistrust. And I was the Poster Girl for Faith. Now, not so much. Jesus is still my Savior. He is still my Lord and my Redeemer. But I fail Him. Every day. I’m a rebellious brat at times. And I hate feeling that way. And I try to just let Him work in my heart, to change me, to make me more like He is. But I’m afraid. That is what I thought I was doing before. BEFORE. When I was the doormat. When I let the control overtake me and my children. When I was dying inside, shriveling up into nothing, and I thought that was my righteous sacrifice to God, of dying to self and thinking of others more highly than myself. Oh, Natalie…You are not alone. I know this is All. Over. The. Place. and if you don’t want to post this MESSage, that is totally ok with me. I just needed to say that I NEEDED to hear YOUR words this morning. They had me in tears, the comments that followed had me in tears, and the song pushed me over the edge. I could hardly see the keyboard when I started typing this out. Thank you for being brave. I know how hard it is to put it all out there. That’s why I don’t right now. I’m too chicken. But YOU are BRAVE. And I wanted to say THANK YOU!!! for pushing that publish button last night. I can see a little color thru that dark cloud right now…
Augh. You are right that this is happening all over the place. I’m praying for major breakthrough in the Church – and in the hearts of women who are so stuck. There’s got to be a way through it to the other side. I don’t believe this is where God intends to keep everyone, although it feels like it most days.
I’m glad you liked the song. I wonder if people think it’s cheesy to post youtube song videos – but music is such a healing thing for me. Obviously for you, too. 🙂 Love to you, Freedom Girl. Someday you’ll be free.
Thank you so much for these words spoken from the heart, letting us share in your suffering and know that we are, indeed, not alone. I have found in the past three years especially, how vital support in “flesh” is (even if it comes virtually). God Himself will always be enough, even if the whole world is against us, but…He created us for community as well while we’re still here on earth. I truly thought the whole world was against me, including those who were closest to me, until He led me to others who were willing to risk vulnerability and honesty and reach out, come alongside, and just be Christ to me – not trying to fix or tell me what I should be doing or feeling, but just being there for me. What grace! You are one of those He has brought alongside (through the referral of another virtual friend). Thank you, thank you, thank you, for being willing to be His hands and feet.
I pray that as you continue to minister and bloom in the place He has designed for you, that you will feel His smile and delight. “The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” Zeph. 3:17
Thank you for these sweet words of hope. I’m so glad God has brought safe people into your life. I have a few in mine – one is my flesh and blood sister – and they are TREASURES for real. I love that verse in Zephaniah too. Thank you for that blessing. I pray it falls back on your own heart and life.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DLf_Nlukra0
Sorry things sucks right now. I had a turbulent childhood- I can vividly remember my teenage brother kicking a dinner plate of salad out of my mom’s hands. Salad and pieces of plate flying all over. Our dad died a few years before we were all grieving in our own way. Some of us made bad choices- my mom did her best. The was a far from ideal but God had his hand on me. Praying for you my sister. One day at a time.
I linked to the ghost ship song b/c sometimes it helps me to be reminded how big God is.
Thank you for the encouragement. I’m so sorry you lost your dad at an early age. That must have shaped you in tremendous (and painful) ways. The song is beautiful. I love music. It’s so powerful – the perfect stress hack, in my opinion. Thanks for sharing it with us!
I’ve been there. I rejoice in your openness & I admire you. My situation isn’t the same as yours but the sinking has come, nonetheless. Christ & our Heavenly Parents were there for me, though I only see it in hindsight- very similar to the oft-quoted Footprints poem. My own windowless, doorless room appears & threatens unexpectedly at times. I’m grateful I’m never truly alone & that one day when we go to the hereafter there will be pure peace & clarity. In the meantime, you are needed & loved & have friends like me (through cyberspace) who are rooting for you & praying for all those who are trying to be good & do good in this fallen world. Much Love to you!
Thank you, Beth. Love to you, too!
Natalie, it is women like you who keep writing however irregularly about REAL life, admitting your weakness, being vulnerable and honest about all the yuck, that have changed my life. Pretending to be Mrs. Perfect Christian Woman With the Perfect Life sent me to the brink because I thought I was the only one who was pretending. Turns out I was wrong. When I started letting the truth be known…not shouted from the housetops but simply not pretending…I found that I didn’t have to be strong but that Christ would be strong in me in whatever ways He wanted to be (which aren’t always what everyone else thinks I should be strong in) and so I am content now to be small and at peace and rest in whatever circumstances He allows me to be in. YOU inspired that along with a few others. And in turn other hurting women see my vulnerability, AND God’s strength in me, and allow themselves also to be known. Please, please keep writing whenever you feel you can, whenever you can put a few words together. You are a blessing.
What a relief, to just be real. Yes. It’s a powerful weapon against the enemy – I do believe this. Thank you, Laurie.
Amen! Same here….It was the Duggar scandals that finally brought this Truth home to me….Jesus didn’t give us abundant life so we could pretend
Sister Natalie,
Thank you for your brutal honesty. Brutal honesty is needed in this brutal world we live in. When I divorced my narc x I expected God to fully restore my life- heal my heart, bring me a job I loved, bring me a community (since I lost my best friends to the x’s lies), heal me of the auto-immune illness I got during the abusive marriage etc. because I knew I was being obedient and also getting free. Instead, my life has deconstructed. Everything is harder not easier!! Makes no sense. My dream job disappeared, I have been hospitalized (by ambulance) 3 times in the last 15 months and just spent 3 weeks in assisted living. (That’s why I haven’t been to MN and visited you!) I have been bed-ridden since May from illness and was bed-ridden Jan- April from a back injury, I am severely ill, my landlord is selling my home so I have to move and I am in a wheelchair. Being so sick has prevented me from being able to form a community, my son moved out 3 weeks ago because he can’t handle my sickness anymore (so am completely alone) and my x is remarried and living “happily ever after” with a rich wife. At this point all I can do is laugh because all this is way beyond my ability to cope or change anything. I spent several months very, very angry at God, but He has brought me through to acceptance, peace and believe it or not, joy in Him. HIS work in me- I couldn’t get there in my flesh.
Just yesterday I was reading a book called “A Sacred Sorrow” by Michael Card about the lost truth of the power of the lament. Psalms is all about lamenting, so is Job, the prophets and certainly our Lord lamented throughout the gospels and on the Cross. But our American church tells us to shut up and gives us useless platitudes. I have one dear friend who has stuck with me and listened to all my laments and complaints and that is a precious gift. She has also suffered (her 17 son is character disordered) and gets it. We often weep over the brutality of this satan controlled world we are living in. And we so look forward to eternity.
In the book Card shows in the Word that the way to God in the pain is through lamentation, and that the consistent cry of our human heart, and that should be cried out to God, is WHY?? Why have you left me? Why am I suffering? When will it end? Those have been my questions and when I saw that they are also all through the Bible it was very healing. And he shows that ultimately our greatest need is His Presence. I love this book- it gave me permission to be who I am. And confirmed why I won’t be close to those who have no time for suffering and want you to get over it. As Oswald Chambers says (paraphrase) “You can tell those who have truly suffered- they have all the time in the world to listen to you.” Card says that our greatest enemies can be our “Job’s friends” who accuse us in our pain rather than sitting with us with compassion. I have had my fill of that!!!!
So Natalie, we are listening, not judging, and are having compassion on your human suffering. God wants you to cry out the deep WHYs of your heart. What you are living is brutal and my heart weeps with your pain.
Have you heard of Indelible Grace- they put old, rarely heard hymns to music and they are beautiful. Many hymns are about the truth of suffering and the truth of God’s faithfulness (just like the psalms). Here’s one example:
I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek, more earnestly, His face.
’Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He, I trust, has answered prayer!
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.
Another favorite of mine that they do is Dear Refuge of My Weary Soul. I have loved all the songs you have posted ( I was listening to Aaron Keyes Psalm 62 this morning before reading your post!) so I thought you might enjoy Indelible Grace.
I could go on forever- your post is TRUTH and is all about exactly what I am passionate about. Thank you for trusting us with your deepest pain, thank you for the risk and the gift. I hope you feel His loving Presence surrounding you.
Thank you for these recommendations – I know others will read this as well and be helped. I love Indelible Grace, yes!! The book by Michael Card sounds amazing. You’ve written so many rich nuggets of gold here – thank you!!
Natalie, thank you for being open with us. I can relate to so much of what you wrote here. I just want you to know that God used you to change my life. I never realized covert emotional abuse even existed, but through your blog God opened my eyes to the truth. It lifted me out of the fog. Being out of the fog has been and continues to be such a scary journey and often such a lonely place. But I don’t want to go back down there to the fog and to “normal”! Never. Thank you for reminding us that we’re not alone and thank you for being willing to share of your pain. I hope that somehow we can each take some of that pain you’re experiencing and carry the burden even if just a little bit for a little while, so that you can have a little relief, like some oxygen down there in the deep. The ship is sinking and our dreams along with it, but we’re together and Jesus has promised never to leave us. I read once that what we do in the power of Christ for the glory of God will shine when our deeds on earth are tested in the fire. I know your life will shine when it goes through the fire, Natalie, because I see that through it all you get up each day and keep going simply because you rely on God’s grace, and it’s not the mystical, over-spiritualized church jargon we’ve come to loathe, it’s just you and God and His grace, and you remind us that He’s there for us too. And that we’re not alone. That is precious to us! You are precious to us. Because you’ve helped us see that we are precious to HIM.
Oh, thank you, Julie. This was lovely.
I can’t imagine how difficult this must have been for you to share but I thank you for sharing anyway. I am a young mother dealing with a child with behavioral issues and I feel as though I live under a cloud of guilt sometimes. Like if I had done something different he would be different…if I was doing something different now he would get better…like every other mom in the world has something I don’t. I don’t know how to describe it except as just a huge burden that I buckle under the weight of. And sometimes instead of hearing “do this, try that”…it’s healing to have someone simply say, “I’m there too.” That’s what your post did for me today. thank you for that. You and your precious family are in my prayers.
Thank you, Bridget.
Dear Natalie,
Thank you for posting this. For the last two weeks, I have been drowning and there is no end in sight. I’m praying for a breakthrough in the “church” and other situations. You may feel like your drowning, but you are really swimming against a tide that needs swimming against. Looking forward to that day when every tear is dried.
Me too. Swimming next to you!
Natalie,
Being a single mom with nine children must be exceedingly difficult and draining. I am so sorry for your pain. It makes sense to be depressed.
Before I opened your e-mail, I was sobbing. It’s OK to grieve and be sad. Some things are surely worth crying about. 🙁
I am so glad for your sake that you shared your heart. Who wants phony? You need support and encouragement from us now. You got it. I prayed for you.I give you permission to get all the help you need to take care of YOU: counseling, anti-depressants, support groups, whatever it takes, You Natalie are worth it.
You are worthy of love. You are loveable. You won’t always feel this bad. You’ll see.
The background pictures on the video you posted lifted my spirit…that God made beauty. The world is big. He is big and makes beautiful things…including you, His girl.
Hugs,
Andrea
Thank you, Andrea. It sounds like you have sad things happening in your own life. Thank you for sitting with me here. ((Hugs.))
Dear Natalie, how my heart hurts for you and holds you…your voice is the honesty so many of us can not or dare not express…so many of us are right there in that same tiny room with you, yet isolated…far more many of us than you could ever know probably. All I want to do is cup your face in my hands and speak to you as to my own daughter, as our Father speaks for us…
Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD shall be a light unto me. Micah 7:8
But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. Job 23:10
I think I may have first found your site through Ann Voskamp, A Holy Experience. Whether or not, here are a couple of links to her that speak deeply to me, and so many of us in this room with you…
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2015/07/when-your-plans-dont-turn-out-at-all-what-turns-out-to-be-the-actual-case/
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/09/why-youre-never-ever-really-a-failure/
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/08/how-to-get-really-living-instead-of-merely-existing-2/
Love, Lisa
I read those articles last night before I went to bed. Very comforting. I actually wrote a post a couple of days ago (for tomorrow) about a recent experience of finding a little moment where gratefulness came in the midst of hard stuff. Happiness follows gratefulness. There are these pockets of peace in the middle of chaos where we can hear God. So when I read the “How to get to living instead of merely existing” – it resonated with me. Something I want to be more intentional about noticing. Thank you for sharing!
You are a beacon of light and hope (though you may not feel that way).
I imagine all of us in similar situations holding hands on the deck while we watch everything just sink around us – everything we spent years and decades and lifetimes putting our whole heart into.
You are always in my prayers and I am so grateful that you are writing, no matter what it says or doesn’t say.
Thank you, Jennifer!
Natalie,
Thanks so much for your post–what an encouragement that I’m not alone in my struggles and nothing happening like I planned (according to the books and conferences). God has been breaking me to remove all of my idols and placing Jesus as true Lord and King. It’s a hard place but a good place. I have been extremely blessed by Andrew Peterson’s new album “The Burning Edge of Dawn.” He acknowledged the dark times and points to Christ. My favorites right now are “The Power of a Great Affection” and “The Sower.” Maybe you will be encouraged as well. I’m praying for you to keep your eyes on Christ!
Thank you for the recommendation, Cyndy. I haven’t heard of Andrew Peterson, but I’ll look him up on my Spotify! Wishing you peace and joy in your quest to worship One.
People need your story. Don’t be afraid to tell it.
Thank you!
Yes!!
Natalie,
Thank you for wanting to write and not finishing the 24 other posts, because what you wrote, is what is needed.
I have one teen and one pre-teen and almost every day lately I wonder if I am doing things right.
Right for what they need at least.
Then I remember God gave me these 2 boys not because I would be the best mother for them,
because there are a lot of women who could probably do a ‘better’ job,
BUT
I am the mother they need and they are the children I need.
If it wasn’t so, it wouldn’t be – God doesn’t make mistakes.
I am also glad I didn’t have the rosey childhood/teen years so many people I know had – because I can teach my children more effectively about the battle that this life is.
I hope/pray/believe for you to see more of the better life.
Not sure that made much sense, but love to you and tours and all the ladies here reading who need it right now in their lives.
((hugs))
Natalie,
Thank you for wanting to write and not finishing the 24 other posts, because what you wrote, is what is needed.
I have one teen and one pre-teen and almost every day lately I wonder if I am doing things right.
Right for what they need at least.
Then I remember God gave me these 2 boys not because I would be the best mother for them,
because there are a lot of women who could probably do a ‘better’ job,
BUT
I am the mother they need and they are the children I need.
If it wasn’t so, it wouldn’t be – God doesn’t make mistakes.
I am also glad I didn’t have the rosey childhood/teen years so many people I know had – because I can teach my children more effectively about the battle that this life is.
I hope/pray/believe for you to see more of the better life.
Not sure that made much sense, but love to you and yours and all the ladies here reading who need it right now in their lives.
((hugs))
Natalie, I have never commented before, but I just had to after reading this post.
Thank you so much for your honest words and the little glimpse into your life.
Your life at the moment sounds very much like mine regarding husband and the daughter. How do you deal with a 15 year old having a tantrum like a 2 year old, but with the strength of an adult?? Beats me.
I thought only my life was like that.
I would encourage you to post those drafts. I now think there may be more like us out there. Take care of yourself dear Sister x
It wasn’t until I started telling other people about our daughter that I found out how common it is. Still haven’t figured out the answers (if there are any), but yes, at least we aren’t alone.
I have been through that with my son. He is now 16 and taller than me. He has Aspergers/ADHD….we got a diagnosis when he was 8, but he started with violent outbursts (sometimes lasting for hours) when he was about 6. We couldn’t tell people because they were so judgmental….one older Christian lady (this was right before we found out his diagnosis) who babysit my kids while I was in the hospital having a baby actually told me I didn’t discipline him enough and she spanked him without my permission.
For him, Lexapro, which is an antidepressant really helps him. He has been on it for several years and he doesn’t have violent outbursts anymore, thank God. There are lots of natural things to try as well, such as Valerian and Theanine (the amino acid found in Green Tea) and GABA…we tried them all, but it wasn’t enough for him….I had to learn to go against the Pharisees who were telling me if I only had enough faith, he wouldn’t have these problems or he wouldn’t need medicine. Don’t listen if you have people like that in your life. I believe Jesus gives us medicine as one of the means He heals. I take an antidepressant myself, and I wish I had started it years ago instead of listening to the lunatic fringe.
I’m glad you’ve found some effective things to ease his symptoms. People who don’t have a child like this have no way of understanding. Unfortunately, some think they do anyway. It’s pain on top of pain.
Oh, please do keep writing what you think, feel, experience, learn. I cannot claim to understand because I haven’t had the same experiences. However, I have friends who have faced similar situations. Because of you I am better able to come alongside and support them. Too often the church is devoid of answers, offering only religious platitudes and pious “you shoulds.” One dear friend was told by her pastor that she just needed to “forgive and let go of the past.” How is it the past when it continues to happen every day? When will we wake up and see the hurting women in our midst? God values marriage, but Jesus died for individuals, not marriages. We need to care more for truth than for images and facades. I’ll shut up now. Please keep telling your story. You are giving hope and a sense of community to many struggling women, as well as equipping others of us to get involved and help. I pray that God will bring healing, peace, wisdom, courage, and all that you need in this impossible struggle.
“How is it the past when it continues to happen every day?”
Exactly. I think some people just don’t want to look honestly at the problem. Sweeping it away with cliche’s is their asinine answer. (Did I just write that?)
Exactly!
Same thing I faced when I tried to tell christians about my abusive mother…mothers aren’t “supposed” to be mean, so no one wanted to hear it. Or I’d just get a pat “well, she is your mother, after all” as if that glosses over what she was continuing to do to me.
You go, girl….keep on writing…I’ve found recently that when I share my darkest times and struggles, it’s way more helpful to others than sharing about what’s going well in my life. The gospel is all about shining Light. And that is what you are doing! Many blessings, Nanci
Sarah and Natalie,
“How is it the past when it continues to happen every day?”
This is my life … although the abusers keep telling me to ‘forget the past’… and yet when they want to insult me they will refer ‘to the past’?? It’s a double standard and it just won’t go away.
Praying for everyone who has commented and I covet prayers as “the past” from many, many years is now bringing about repercussions.
We’ll see if more lying ensues or whether ‘honest repentance’ may come forth from certain individuals? Only the Lord can change the heart.
The church will be judged for looking the other way and preaching at us to ‘forgive and forget’ and … so on.
Yup.
Thank you again for blogging. I see such a strong daughter of God in you. And I see what’s coming and the strength of your life that you will bring to many. Praying for you today. ” I am no longer a slave to fear, but I am a child of God”.
Thank you so much, Jyl!