When Husband Says “No” To More Children
By Contributing Writer, Kim Doebler
How does a mom who believes that children are a blessing from the Lord, end up with only four children? By being right where God wants me to be! It hasn’t been easy, but it is where God has me.
When Todd and I married in 1986, we talked about how many children we would like to have. We both agreed that four or five children would be good. We also agreed it would be a best to wait until we could afford to live on one income before we had children; after all, we wanted me to stay home once we started having babies.
Around our second anniversary something started to stir in me. As I read the Word, I saw that children were a gift from the Lord. Why wouldn’t we want His gifts and lots of them? Still, we couldn’t “afford” a child and for me to quit work, so we waited six more years to have children.
During the next six years I changed. God created in me a parenting vision. I realized it was a privilege to raise children, not a burden. I understood and truly believed what God meant when He said, “children are a blessing”. What developed in me was not just a whimsical feeling; it was a desperate yearning to be a part of raising warriors in God’s army. On top of these heart changes I also became more informed and no longer felt at peace using our choice of birth control. All of this was so foreign to me that I was convinced it was God’s work in my life.
God miraculously intervened, and we were pregnant! After a few tear-filled months back to work, Todd said I could quit. Finally, I could see my dreams coming true. For the next six years we had babies—four in all. It was pure joy for me to leave “family planning” in God’s hands. Whenever we got pregnant we knew it was His timing!
Yet, after our fourth child was born, Todd was feeling done. Needless to say, I was not! Actually, I was struggling with believing it was even our right to “feel done”. It seemed selfish, and I couldn’t find anything in the Bible about saying “no” to more children.
For months Todd and I prayed together and separately. We sought counsel and discussed our positions on this topic. I pulled out all the stops and hit him with every argument in the book. I had Scriptures, quotes from other Christians, my own thoughts and even pleas on his emotions. Did I mention I prayed? In the end, Todd had peace about the size of our family and went ahead with having a vasectomy.
How could this be? Hadn’t God done this work in me? Yes, He did. Yet, who had changed? I had. Todd was the same man I married that wanted four or five children.
I was confused. I mourned the loss of more children. And I was mad at God for not changing Todd too. Why didn’t God move in Todd? This was a question that haunted me.
After months of shifting anger from God, to Todd, to those who gave Todd counsel, and then back to God again, I turned on a CD that starts with the song, It is Well with My Soul. As I sang along, the tears began to flow, and song after song ministered to my hard heart. It was my own personal revival. The questions ceased, and I recognized God’s goodness. I knew He was watching over me as one of the songs pointed out, like He does the sparrow (Matthew 10: 29). Once again I received amazing grace that saved me from what I deserved (Job 33: 27-28).
It became clear to me that one of the reasons I was negative about God was I had put too much hope in having more children and not enough hope in God, Himself (Romans 15: 13). My focus was on the gift and not the Giver.
Another reason God was on my blacklist was that I knew God had changed me, so I assumed He would change Todd. This was a problem because it was NOT for me to dictate to God how He must move. It was for me to accept and to surrender to however He chose to lead. (Proverbs 3: 5)
God told me to honor my husband and to respect him, (Eph. 5:33) and now it was up to me to obey. Just like Abraham was willing to sacrifice Isaac—even though it didn’t make sense—and still believed God would fulfill His promise somehow, (Hebrews 11:17-19) I needed to believe God was in control—even if it didn’t look like it (Hebrews 11:1).
Although I received a very real release from anger, I still struggled and shed several tears. Each monthly cycle brought disappointment and a sense of loss. It took constant renewing of my thoughts to love my Lord with all my heart. Accepting my role was coming along…slowly…yet, the story is not over, there is more.
Although each month brought with it a reminder that I wasn’t going to have another child, I was, over all, back to trusting and loving my Lord whole heartedly. Yes, periodically I still hoped Todd would get a reversal and our family would grow, yet that was not what I was putting my hope in.
About two years after our last child was born, Todd sat me down for a talk. He looked very serious. I couldn’t imagine what this would be about. He shared that he had been praying that morning and asked God what he could do to bless his wife. (This is not something I am aware of him ever doing before or since.) Wow, I was really listening now. He said that God had told him he could bless me by having a reversal!
I was shocked and thrilled! Within a few months we had an appointment scheduled.
The day came for the reversal. Much to my surprise the doctor asked if I would like to observe the procedure, so I did. The surgery went as expected, and the doctor was very optimistic.
As I am sure you can imagine, I was spinning ahead in my heart and imaginations. I could picture the wonderful bundle the Lord was going to bless us with. I could nearly feel and smell our baby’s presence.
The first month went by without getting pregnant. To be expected, I could wait. After six months I was starting to get anxious, but I had heard plenty of stories where it took up to a year to get pregnant after a reversal. As a year approached I started to wrestle with God again.
Again, I had assumed I knew what God would do and got my heart set on that. After all, if God told my husband to have a reversal, didn’t that mean He was going to give us more children?
For years I hoped I would miss a monthly cycle and be pregnant. Again I had a choice: love God no matter what He had for me, or fall into bitterness while demanding my way. I learned quicker this time, and rested in God’s being all powerful and all knowing.
Nearly ten years have passed since the reversal. Four children is the number of children God has for us. Some may think we are paying the consequences of having a vasectomy in the first place. Perhaps we are. There is no doubt we messed with Todd’s body, and before the surgery we had no problem getting pregnant. Yet, my peace comes from knowing God is big enough. He is big enough to get us pregnant and big enough to fill me with peace if we aren’t ever pregnant again.
There are two things that have helped me this time that I feel are gifts from the Lord. The first is the fact that I got to observe the surgery. I know myself, and I would have wondered if the surgery was done or if it was done correctly. Of course being there doesn’t mean it was done right, but it helped with my imagination.
Secondly, I have peace knowing we corrected what I felt was wrong. There wasn’t a certain number of children I was after, I just didn’t want to stiff arm God by saying, “don’t give us any more”. Now we were open to what He had for us.
So that is how this mom that believes children are a blessing from the Lord ended up with only four children. I know there are a lot of other stories out there. There are many broken hearts regarding this topic. Yet, I was reminded this week as I struggled through a much smaller trial, t hatGod wants what is best for me, although it may look different than I had hoped. Am I willing to learn what God wants to teach me? Will I trust Him no matter what? Again, I will choose to let God be God, and I will follow wherever He leads!
Psalm 62: 5-6 “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.”
Tags: trusting God
This post is a HUGE blessing in my life
Thanks.
Stacey- so glad to hear God used this to bless you. Kim
I am so thrilled with your contributing writers… each new post is more interesting than the one before. This one is definitely food for thought specially since my DH is not as open as I am to more children.
thanks for sharing.
Tereza-you are welcome, I pray you always land respecting your man and trusting God. Kim
Wonderful post Kim!! I struggled with some of that as well. My husband has never had a vasectomy, he has at points in our marriage said; “no more babies.” And when our 7th child was just 2 years old I started to have the deisre for another one. I brought it up from time to time, but not in a nagging way, same answer… “no”
another year and a half later, and he had changed his mind, God had changed his mind, and we ended up having 4 more babies!! The Lord is good all the time!
Jennifer-thank you for sharing! Yes, the Lord is good all the time! Kim
Kim, This post really caused me to self-examine myself. I choked back tears–our reversal *was* “successful” in that the Lord has blessed us with more children. But would I have submitted to God, had it not? Like you, I was convicted about giving the Lord control of the size of our family, a years or so before my husband was.
So often we think obedience equlas desire of our hearts. Many times the Lord says “no”.
I think your husband’s reversal was a successful one. It has caused you to grow in grace and knowledge and the ability to minister to others, like me
Thanks again for the time it took to collect thoughts, edit and hit the publish key
In Christ~
Bambi Moore
Bambi-Thank you for your kind words….no one has ever told me that my husband’s reversal was a success before….wonderful news! It is true that God has used it to grow me. Kim
Thank you for sharing how you fight bitterness when God crosses your will. Flower petals must be pressed for perfume to come out. This smells very sweet.
Jeannette-thank you. You truly have a way with words. Kim
This was very hard but beneficial for me to read. My husband had a vasectomy 4 years ago. It has been a difficult and painful journey for me. I regularly pray that he will change his mind and have a reversal. I know that God is bigger than a vasectomy and can overcome even this if He so decides. Just writing these words makes me tear up. Thank you for encouraging me to release bitterness and forgive. Oh that I would be content and satisfied not looking to more children to satisfy my longings.
D-I am praying for you tonight. Lord, heal D’s broken heart, satisfy her longings and reveal how much You care for her. Thank you for your openness. Kim
What a beautiful story of sanctification! I did not expect to be blessed by this post as I began reading. Filled with preconceived notions, my mind was going down another path. I know others who will be blessed as well and will forward your story to them!
Autumn-thank you for taking time to comment. Glad you were blessed. Kim
What a beautiful article. I am struggling with some of this off and on, myself, so it was very encouraging (and convicting). Thank you for writing this (and thanks to Autumn for forwarding it to me). Dying to self is so stinkin’ hard.
Mindy- “off and on”, up and down, hit like a wave out of no where is how I felt too. Also very alone, I didn’t know anyone else going through this. At least now we know we are not alone.
Along with trusting God we can know others relate. Kim
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I have 2 children and my husband had a vasectomy about 6 years ago. I have fasted and prayed and begged God to change his heart but he hasn’t done that. It has gotten harder and not easier as time goes by because I am getting older. (Just turned 36). I have a hard time dealing with the day to day grief. Thanks for encouraging me to trust God’s heart in the matter.
Kim-your note caused a lump in my throat. I was 35 when Todd had his vasectomy. Try not to look at your biological clock and focus on how big God is! Again, God is in control, even if it doesn’t look like it! Kim
Thanks for your response. Would you be willing to send me your email address? Are you able to see mine or should I give it to you? I have a few questions I would like to ask you.
Hello Kim
My email is
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My husband and I are choosing to wait until I finish college before having children, but we already disagree on the number. While he would like 2 or 3, I have a more-the-merrier viewpoint about families. We both know that ultimately our family planning is in God’s hands. I really appreciated your article and may print it out for encouragement down the road.
Shannon
Yes, it is hard to know how your story will play out, but I am glad you can have some printed words of encouragement to take with you. I would also like to encourage you to pray, pray, pray. Whether God heeds your cries or not, the prayers will strengthen you for the journey.
Kim
This was a wonderful post. I am not married (although it is my desire to be a homemaker and stay at home mom) but I have also been wrestling with questions of how and what trusting God with the size of my family will look like.
I also really liked that you wrote about your view changing on raising children; that they were not a burden, they were a blessing! I’m really trying to change my view on this because I’ve grown up in a culture where people view kids as a burden. I’m praying for that complete mind renewal like you had.
Ok well thanks again for your post. I really appreciate it!
Gretchen
How great to be a part of encouraging you in your vision building. It is true that the culture is feeding us an unbibilical view, keep feeding yourself the truth.
Kim
Hi Kim,
I have just discovered Visionary Womanhood and I am having a field day reading all these great articles. I was wondering, have you thought about adoption? I am adopted and it has been such a blessing and positive thing in my life. Thanks for sharing!