Preparing Our Children for Marriage
By Contributing Writer, Jennifer Ross
If we are preparing children for adulthood, it would behoove us to prepare them for marriage. Plain and simple. In Scripture, marriage is normative and even expected. A man is to leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, that they be one (Genesis 2:24) in order for a godly offspring to result (Malachi 2:15).
Yes, I know, most of us have sadly been conditioned to believe our children may never marry. ”They may be called to lifelong singleness.” But since this post is about preparing our children for adulthood, I don’t want to rabbit trail too far, and will just quickly say that nowhere in Scripture does it suggest females should remain single.
I’ll say it again, I’ve yet to find a place in God’s Word that commands any woman, at any time, to remain single for Him. Quite the opposite, actually. 1 Corinthians 7:2 says to let a woman have her own husband. 1 Timothy 5:14 says young women/widows are to marry.
Now some will point to 1 Corinthians 7:26, 34, and 38, but don’t forget the context. Also, back up to verse 25 that says the following verses are not a command from the LORD, but only Paul’s’ own idea.
Is My Child Called to be Single?
To decide if your sons are to marry or not, turn to Matthew 19:12 which tells us; “There are some eunuchs, which were so born… and some… be gelded by men.. and some gelded themselves for the kingdom of heaven.” If your son is not a eunuch by birth, by men or by some horrible accident, if he desires a wife, or if he attracted to young ladies; then it would seem he’s not been given the rare gift of singleness, and marriage preparation is in order.
“To avoid fornication, let every many have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. If they cannot abstain, let them marry, for it is better to marry than to burn.“ 1 Corinthians 7:2 and 9
If your son or daughter isn’t a virgin, they do not have the gift of singleness. They ought to get married.
God Can’t be Your Daughter’s Husband
Now here’s a touchy subject! But some may be surprised at how the LORD truly desires the majority of His children to marry. Marriage is this amazing picture of our LORD and His bride, the church.
“For thy Maker is thine husband...” Isaiah 54:5 Notice here He is speaking of Israel, not single women. The LORD is not a husband to single gals, or even widows. He is however a “judge” of the widows, Psalm 68:5. He will establish the border of the widow, Proverbs 15:25. And widows are to trust in Him, Jeremiah 49:11. No where in Scripture does it even hint that He is a husband to single women. Not to widows, not to old maids. He is a husband to the church, not individuals.
To Prepare Children For Marriage
Since we can assume our children will marry someday, let’s look at how we are to prepare them. In general we will want children who love the LORD and are committed to serving Him within a healthy, godly marriage. The following is of course, just a partial list. (Feel free to add to this list in the comment section!)
To practically prepare our sons for marriage they will need to:
- Not be given to laziness
- Not be addicted to video games, TV and other escapisms
- Be self-controlled
- At the very least know how to apply for and secure a job
- Have enough knowledge of God’s Word to lead a wife in matters of importance
- Know how to handle money properly and have some sort of modest savings account
- Be committed to living life debt free to the best of his ability
- Know well the pitfalls of credit cards and other non-essential loans
- Know a bit of basic car and home maintenance
Future husbands should also be introduced to the “art” of living with a wife in understanding, and have the basics of child training down, but know they will have their own style.
Before our daughters enter that blessed state of matrimony, they should be able to:
- Sew up a ripped hem, and replace buttons
- Budget money well
- Cook several healthy, tasty meals
- Know how to adapt meals to accommodate a few surprise guests
- Comparison shop to save her family money
- Correctly wash and care for laundry
- Clean a home from top to bottom
- Know how to care for an infant
- Be familiar with different types of medications
- Have the basics in making a home comfortable and inviting.
In her adult role as wife and help meet, she should be fully convinced that her place is in the home, as commanded in the Bible (Titus 2:5, 1 Timothy 5:14) so she can care for her husband and family properly, and so that she avoids the lies of this world that attempt to discourage her as wife and homemaker.
She must not put working over a husband. “I’m going to work for a few years before we have children,” says to a husband that her focus will be not on her husband, but her children. That is a warped view that we must guard against.
She must also know, as a future wife, what her position and “duties” are to her husband. We must teach daughters to be submissive, and that this submission will transfer to a husband on their wedding day. And we must teach them that from that day forward, they do not have authority over her own body (1 Cor. 7:4). They need to know that husbands often enjoy “being one” with their wives, and clamming up like a Victorian prude within a marriage is not at all honoring to the LORD.
“Marriage is honorable among all, and the marriage bed undefiled.” Hebrews 13:4
Again, in the eyes of God, marriage is the norm and often expected. When we say it is better to remain single because we’ve traveled through the food court of Scripture and picked up one single verse that is not a command from God, but the confessed thought of a man who, in 1 Corinthians 7:7, would “wish that all men were even as I myself,” meaning single, and who ”want(s) you to be without care,” (1 Corinthians 7:32), we are saying our ways are better than His, and we are ignoring hundreds of examples and verses that indicate otherwise.
“…in the latter times some shall depart from the faith and shall give heed unto spirits of error and doctrines of devils, which speak lies… forbidding to marry” 1 Timothy 4:1-3
Prepare your children for adulthood by preparing them for marriage.
Tags: marriage, Raising Young Adults
This is a great article. My children are all adults now and I had such joy preparing them for this time in their lives. However, things don’t always turn out the way we want. While I prepared my daughters for marriage, only one has married. The other has remained single…not her choice. She will be 30 this year. I had not prepared her for singleness and yet, that’s the path that she’s on. This is not her choice, nor ours. We don’t know why her future husband hasn’t come into her life. She made a no-dating commitment to us when she was 16. She has stayed true to that commitment. She’s beautiful, wise and a great cook! She longs for a family; loves babies. All we can do is bring it to the Lord and that’s what we do. Just this morning, I found an encouraging verse in my Bible…Pro. 23:18 (NIV) There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.
Hi Bonnie,
I do realize sometimes things don’t go as planned. Honest question here… do you think your unmarried daughter would have possibly been married had she not made a “no dating” commitment? Are there so many 30 year old single women because of commitments like that? Do they appear unapproachable to potential husbands?
Just honest questions I wonder about
Blessings sister!
I don’t know if anything would be different for our daughter, had she made a no-dating commitment. That commitment doesn’t seem to be the problem. At the time, we were attending a church that was having serious problems in the youth group and we, of course, were reacting and also desiring to protect our own young people. However, we involved all of our young people in outside and post-high school activities, where they would have the opportunity to meet other young people. We also encouraged missions trips and other activities. Both of our girls were involved in a ministry in Chicago for several years. In fact, that’s where our younger daughter met her future husband and our son met his future wife. But for our middle daughter, it’s been a desert. No interest, no inquiries, nothing. We have prayed aggressively and also agreed that we would go through any open door the Lord shows us. Two well meaning family members have tried to “set up” something with young men but this has resulted in disaster…I truly mean disaster. We came away realizing that we need to follow the Lord’s direction, not man’s. I don’t know what we could have done differently….we absolutely believed we were following the Lord’s calling in the training of our children. We are encouraged because we see the Lord moving in our daughter’s life….several good things have happened in the past 6 months that has shown us that He knows all about her! It’s just this one area that we’re all struggling with….she absolutely does NOT feel a call to singleness and feels a definite call to be a wife and mother. And she’s so ready. In the meantime, we keep it before the Throne.
We have analyzed and probably over-analyzed this “problem” – older young ladies who want to be married but where are the men?? There was a time (amongst homeschoolers), when all single young people were encouraged to go into “service for the Lord”. They were to put away their desires, put off marriage and work for the Lord while they were young. We personally know over a half-dozen lovely young ladies in our area who did this. Their reward? A life of singleness. The men their age have disappeared! And the few single young men we know are plugging away at a life of ministry and service. We need more articles just like your article! Men need to prepare for marriage, then ministry. And they need to know how to find a wife….not just leave it up to chance and hormones!
Bonnie,
Thank you for replying! It is truly a blessing knowing we can rest in the LORD. Our pastor’s wife waited until she was 26 before she married. As it turns out, it was necessary, her husband was only 19!!! She sure couldn’t have married him when she was 20
He knows all and doesn’t leave us or forsake us.
Thanks again for writing, it truly is something I wonder about often.
“older young ladies who want to be married but where are the men??”
We actually know quite a few young men who are wholeheartedly seeking a godly wife but keep finding young ladies that just want to pursue their own desires, put off marriage and be independant until they get too old to have fun anymore.
“…encouraged to go into “service for the Lord. They were to put away their desires, put off marriage and work for the Lord while they were young…. Their reward? A life of singleness. ..”
Yes, we see it too often as well. An epidemic really. They are missing the point, that marriage and children are a ministry. … so much more to say about it all.
” Men need to prepare for marriage, then ministry. And they need to know how to find a wife….not just leave it up to chance and hormones!”
Preach it sister!!! I agree, now what to do about it?
Thanks for the conversation!!!
I’m in the exact same boat as your daughter, only a couple years younger. I feel no call to be single, and have a strong desire to be a wife and mother – yet there are NO MEN. I vowed not to date in high school, but when I went away to a Christian college I was completely open to meeting young men while there. In fact, I thought I would. But I went through a full 3 years of school (I graduated early thanks to hard work and college credits earned in high school) without any interest. I’ve been involved in churches since and have met several young men, but none was in a rush to marry and still none expressed any interest whatever in me.
I fully believe that the bigger problems here are not women being unprepared, but the men. There are few godly men to choose from in the first place, but even among those who claim Christ – the vast majority have bought into the worldly definition of beauty hook, line and sinker. So if you are less than ideally attractive? Say good-bye to your chances for a husband!
(Even one of my friends and college roommates, who was a missionary kid and is the most beautiful woman I know – radiating Christ from the inside out, and even quite attractive by the world’s standards is a year older than me and still unmarried. She is an aunt many times over through her younger siblings, but she herself has been passed over. Why? There is clearly more to this puzzle than being prepared, and I think it has a lot to do with the men, not the women.)
I agree with this post wholeheartedly. I think, however, that it would be wise to realize that we live in a culture today that is very, very different from long ago. And so, I think that we need to also teach our children to be ready to adapt their thinking, if necessary, should something unexpected happen. For example, if the husband is laid off of work, because of the fact that both men and women are in the workplace, sometimes it might be impossible for the husband to find another job right away. And (because of affirmative action), a woman may be able to find a job when the husband may not. So, sometimes, it may be expeditious for the woman to work and the man to stay at home. A man should ALWAYS be willing to provide for the family in the way that is needed (even if it’s not strictly financially). Also, a woman (especially one with a higher degree) should be aware that sometimes she may have to step into the financial provider slot for a while, should the need arise.
I realize this may be kind of controversial, but unfortunately, I have seen a man refuse to fill the homemaker role because of pride, and send the children to public school and daycare (even when his wife was able to find a good-paying job in her field) just so that he could have some type of job. (Previously the wife had a been a stay-at-home mother).
I just think that a man is more than a paycheck, and a mother is more than just her ability to stay at home. Unfortunately, this is a complicated world that we live in. Although, I also firmly believe that if the husband and wife have the goal/desire of the man at work/woman at home model (which I believe is the best), then ultimately the LORD will provide it!
Yes Elizabeth, we can certainly see how our culture plays a role here! We can’t blame it entirely though. We still need to follow the Word of the LORD even when the world around us doesn’t. But, as in Bonnie’s (above) situation, sometimes it still takes more time than we would like.
I do agree that a man should always be willing to provide for the family, but men were not created to be SAHM’s. That being said, I have friends where the husband became disabled and unable to work anywhere, and the wife took a job at Walmart until the disability started paying. It was short term, but the family did what needed to be done in a situation where the church didn’t step in. They were new in town and hadn’t begun going to a church here.
It is the job of the church (another blog post entirely) to help out families that find themselves in situations like that.
It is good for a man to take a lower paying job and remain the provider. It seems that you were saying in that case the wife had to work too and put the kids in school. Perhaps they had too much debt? Another problem entirely. When we don’t follow biblical principles all sorts of things go awry.
You said it best when you said: “I firmly believe that if the husband and wife have the goal/desire of the man at work/woman at home model (which I believe is the best), then ultimately the LORD will provide it!”
Yes! it’s that most get nervous like the bird in the Bambi movie and don’t wait on the LORD. They fly out on their own… God’s ways are best and always work, sometimes we just have to be patient, and we ALWAYS have to trust.
I totally agree with Bonnie about there being a terrible lack of godly young men who are looking for wives! If you, Jennifer, know some godly men, send me their email addresses and I’ll connect them with the godly young ladies I know who are still waiting!!
And often, it seems that the older sister is passed up for the younger sister as well. Sad. Almost as though the guys want the more Happy-Go-Lucky attitude in a wife and overlook the more thoughtful, wiser, organizer, planner, and more experienced homemaker older sister! Do these men think that the “meek & quiet” wife is not the one with the strong self-confidence and ability to be put in charge of things?
My husband was raised to know that men are the seeker and ministry is something that lasts a life time! We were married when I was 22 and now we have 2 young children!
I think I would add to the list an ability to see a need and willingness to fulfill it. The desire and ability to serve. I know a family where the father will not allow his sons to do “unmanly” tasks such as dishes, cooking, cleaning. My question to him is, when his sons are married and their wife is pregnant, exhausted or sick, how can he serve his wife (like his own body) when it is beneath his “manliness”?
My mother-in-law taught her sons to cook, clean, even make bread so that they would never be too proud to fulfill a need.
Also I might add, for a young lady to know how to feed her soul and avoid depression and discouragement. Sometimes, wifehood is a lonely task when days are long and dreary and her husband has to work late. Especially when the conversation of the day never passes the pre-school level! I know for me, there are seasons when my husbands work is so emotionally draining and exhausting for him, that he doesnt have the capacity to meet my emotional needs. Women need to know how to seek the Lord for themselves at the same time as following their husbands spiritual leading!
Amen to all of that! The first two paragraphs are especially true in my life (though my younger sister is also unmarried) . . . I do often feel passed over. If there are any godly men hiding out there, feel free to send one or two my way! I fully believe in the value of being set up by the church . . . after all, my marriage won’t take place in a vacuum, why should any courtship be something just between the man and woman and not their families and church(es)?
I often look back and wish that I had been prepared for marriage and motherhood. I still battle the feelings of utter frustration about being “behind the curve” when it comes to “how to manage a home”. Those were not tools given to me for my arsenal of skills. However, the Lord has been so gracious to bring other lovely women into my life to help, and has blessed me with a very patient husband.
I do want to say that there was a time when my husband was laid off and without work for months. The thought of me entering the workforce was never on the table. My husband did go back to school (invested in himself). He did find a temporary job, but the lesson he learned through that time was that he needed to humble himself and ask for help. It was so amazing to watch the Lord provide for our every need through the body of Christ.
Faith is hard. Trusting the Lord to provide for our every need in the midst of circumstances that appear hopeless – that is VERY hard. We never went hungry. Rent always got paid. And essential bills always managed to be paid on time (sometimes in the nick of time!).
God is faithful. His word is true. We trust and obey and He honors those who honor Him
Crystal <
Wonderful testimony of His faithfulness and of what He can and will do if we would just trust Him!! We’ve been in that position as well, and I remained at home and He provided a great job for my husband, (after 4 months!).
Thanks for writing Crystal!!
Jennifer,
I am so glad you have written this excellent, Biblical article. I am so tired of hearing the, “Your daughters might be called to be single!” mantra. It just bothers me to no end. Like you said, nowhere in Scripture do we see this “calling” for women. I am preparing my daughters to be wives and mothers as the Bible says they are to be! I am so glad that someone else sees this too and it’s not just me!
I just hope your children aren’t heartbroken and hurt if they get to be a certain age and still are unmarried . . . I have often felt that way from well-meaning women in my family and within the church. Much like the leper Jesus healed, I feel as though people ask “What sin caused this?” – as if it were my choice to still be single and as if my sins had any bearing on it (we’ve all sinned).
That one single verse in I Corinthians 7:7 tells me that we have the choice to marry. I do think it’s God’s design for the vast majority of his people to marry so we’ll better understand the relationship between Christ and the Church. I think marriage teaches us holiness. Still, for those called to remain single and focus on God is certainly an option. I personally cannot imagine being alone in this life, but that’s just me. I cannot speak for everyone else. My husband and I know several men of varying ages whose entire lives seem to be dedicated to the Kingdom of God. For them, it would be unfair to the women they marry if they couldn’t give their marriages the time and emotional investment that is required. I believe this applies to women as well if they’re especially devoted to ministry. Again, I don’t think this approach/lifestyle would work for most people. There’s also the possibility that a person who remains single never finds the right person to spend their lives with. I’d hate for such a person to marry because they feel pressured to even if they didn’t love the person (“Okay, you’re 35 now. Time to get on with it.”) Perhaps God has something else in mind for them.
Not meaning to be contentious here. This is just my opinion.
I agree. As one of those aging single Christian women, I refuse to settle for an unhappy marriage just because I want to be a wife and mother. I would rather be single and serve the kingdom in other ways than to make that choice. I would be sad to be alone in my old age, for sure . . . but then perhaps instead I would be surrounded by the community God puts me into to serve instead.
I wanted to add one more thing: True, God didn’t command singleness and I’ve certainly wondered over the years why Paul said that but also, why God included Paul’s words since there are so many other examples of biblical marriage and that basically, the Bible is God’s marriage contract between himself and his people. Since this is God’s way of communicating with his people, I figure God included what he wanted in the Bible and he obviously wanted those words included. I’ve also been thinking that we each have different gifts and for some, those gifts may take them in a different direction than most ( i.e., a life devoted to prophesying {Romans 12:6] or missions} .
Overall, I liked this article, but wonder – what about us girls who are still single and not by choice?
I am not married, have attained all of those skills you set forth as valuable for a young woman to have before marriage, and more. I am not incredibly picky when it comes to who I marry, but not even my one bare minimum has been met by a single guy – No Christian Young Man has EVER pursued me.
I will not pursue a man, and I think you would agree that is the Biblical view as well as just good common sense. (As my mother often told me, if a man doesn’t love you enough to chase you, he doesn’t love you enough). Yet here I am rapidly approaching the end of my most fertile years with no husband and certainly no children. What more could I possibly do than continue to actively wait (serving in my church and community, and improving my skills as a homemaker) and be successful in my career-for-now? (I say career for now because I plan on being a stay at home mom if I am ever so blessed. I am working towards paying off all my college debt, from my expensive Christian school undergrad degree, so that my future spouse and I may be free of the cloud of debt and can better afford for me to be able to stay at home. I call that just plain good stewardship).
I fully agree that a woman should be married and that being a wife and mother is a VERY high calling worthy of honor and respect . . . but what am I to do when God has not seen fit to bring me a husband? And no Christian man has ever seen fit to pursue me? I am not getting any younger here and I feel I must accept my singleness, even if I am single for the rest of my life. It’s not up to me, so I might as well be happy with it, because being discontent about my singleness is surely not God honoring.
(I know, Amy March would wisely advise me – “You don’t need scores of suitors, just one, if he’s the right one” . . . and I agree, it’s more my age that worries me . . . )
To Bonnie and to the other single sisters: I would encourage your daughter to read Psalm 37:4 and believe it.
When I was 23 I married against God’s will. I had become a Christian the year before but had been dating this man for over 3 years. When I asked the Lord if he was the husband He had for me. The Lord told me no. But I married him anyway. To cut this story short, after 2 years of marriage and a baby with another woman, the man left me. After a few years of dedicating my life back to the Lord and full time ministry, the Lord brought my current husband to me.
The word “brought” is correct. He came from over 5000 miles to meet me in Brazil. God orchestrated the whole thing. Through a series of events we met and after 6 weeks of meeting and talking over the internet and phone, he came back a second time and got me and received my parents’ blessings and we were married here in the USA. I was 29 years old and he was 39 years old.
He had been a bachelor for over 3 years. After a couple of disastrous dates he decided to abstain on dating and wait on the Lord. Since his father died when he was young, he had committed to his Heavenly Father that He would arrange his marriage, like Biblical ways.
We have been married for 11 years and we have 4 children. If someone had told me that I would meet and marry my husband within 6 weeks I would have told them they were crazy. BUT I did believe that God could arrange my marriage and bring me to the man that He had ordained to be my husband. I would pray for my husband and always ask that God would make it so plain and clear when he finally showed up. That there would be no second guessing, or dating games, and that my parents would approve 100%. Well, it happened just like that.
If we had to pick each other, we would NEVER have picked each other, BUT our Heavenly Father knew exactly who we needed as spouses. We are best friends. and we have the best marriage and we complement each other so well.
Another verse the Lord gave me clearly while I was waiting was to not look like man does, to the outside, but look at the heart like He does.
Now, before I married I had heard and read stories of matches made in Heaven and I BELIEVED they could happen to me too. After I was married I heard a testimony of a lady who like your daughter was single way into her 30s. Had dedicated her life to missions and so wanted a family. After many years, the Lord brought her to a widowed man who had 2 grown children and they are happily married.
I say trust the Lord. The waiting is hard. It’s sad and sometimes hopeless. But keep believing. Tell your daughter to memorize Scripture regarding her husband. To pray for him. To ask God to equip her for him. Also ask her to make a list of qualities that she wants for her husband. Keep the vision. without vision one will perish. But also SURRENDER. Be willing to tell the Lord if He wants you single you will be single and he will equip you for that.
My Mom when she met my husband to be (They talked for less than 24 hours.) said he was everything she had been praying for. She said she knew he was the one.
Trust the Lord’s timing and persevere believing. If He can bless me who was willingly disobedient, he can bless your daughter who is obedient and honorable. It’s all about Jesus. HE can all things! And He loves us so, He WANTS to bless us! It’s his pleasure to bless us!
THAT was beautiful. Thank you for sharing that testimony of HOPE. It is much needed. I think prayer is under rated too. To rise and pray fervently for a chunk of time each morning will “availeth much.” Pray for your future husband, young ladies. Pray!! Be like the woman who banged on the judge’s door and would not quit until he gave her bread. Jesus told that story for a reason. Be persistent, hopeful, and surrendered. God has His eyes on you, no matter what the “seemings” are.
Great post, Jennifer. My husband forwarded it to both me and our oldest son, as he wanted to make sure we both prioritized reading it. One thing we appreciated about it is that it sets a standard, but not a standard that is SOOOOO high that only a 35 year old could meet it. I think it was Voddie Baucham who said that some parents want their daughters to marry someone who has the fitness of a 25 year old, the wisdom of a 45 year old and the bank account of a 65 year old, or something to that effect. We believe it is good to marry, and to marry young if possible…the standards you set forth seem very reasonable, and something we feel it is our duty as parents to prepare them for while they are still young, in our home.
Thank you, each of you who commented… !! It’s a huge issue/topic and Natalie is sooo right… PRAY!!!
I just wanted to comment again and thank you all for adding so much!
We had our baby 3 days ago, so I’ve not been able to respond