How many times have we or someone we know said, “I’m sorry” and expected that to solve world hunger? Saying “I’m sorry” sounds good, but it’s just words. Words mean nothing if there is no change in behavior. No action to back it up.
This is part three in a four part blog series about reconciliation, inspired by Patrick Doyle’s video called How Reconciliation Works. In part one we talked about the first step in the reconciliation process: conviction (HERE). Part two focused on the second step: repentance (HERE). Today we’ll talk about confession.
Confession is owning our sin. It’s being honest and admitting the crappy things we do. Without confession, there can be no reconciliation. I think the key word here is honesty. Think about it. Can you have a healthy relationship where there is lying, covering up, pretending, overlooking, and ignoring? Does that foster intimacy? Of course not. Healthy relationships are grown in the soil of vulnerability and safety. When two people are open and honest, they can get close and experience authentic acceptance and love. Anything less is dysfunctional in some way.
This means that both partners should be able to go to the other one and safely say, “when you did such-and-such, it hurt” or “please don’t do this-and-that anymore, and here’s why it’s a problem for me” or “I really wish _______ problem could change” without experiencing kick back, reviling, blame shifting, excuses, denial, and mocking.
When you are in a loving relationship, the other person may feel defensive at first (this is human nature), but if they care about you, they will be willing to look at the offending behavior and change it most of the time. If only one partner is willing to be respectful and follow through, then it’s likely an unhealthy or even potentially destructive relationship. This is why you may not feel safe, loved, or heard. Because you aren’t.
So the example of confession that Patrick Doyle gave looks like this: “When I lied to you about x, y, and z, I was wrong, and I want to know, will you forgive me for my sin against you?” They can’t say, “I’m sorry for everything I’ve done in our marriage to hurt you.” That’s not confession. That’s not owning specific behavior. Do you think anything is really going to change when they can’t even define what it is they’ve done? Probably not.
Patrick Doyle goes so far as to say he would question their Christianity if they are claiming to be a Christian but are unable to practice confession of sin. He points out that if someone is a Christian, you will see it lived out in “how they handle people, how they own their sin, the insight they have into their hearts.” I’ve heard him repeat this in several videos: the Holy Spirit has two jobs. He convicts us of sin and He comforts. You will see these two things happening in the life of a person who has the Holy Spirit. Anyone can fake the fruits of the Spirit temporarily. But the inability to admit wrong is evil. It is pride, plain and simple.
“…the utmost evil, is Pride….it was through Pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind.” C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
When someone has truly come clean and confessed and repented, this opens the door for reconciliation. But what if the offended party doesn’t believe the confession and repentance? Patrick says that is sometimes the price the offender has to pay for years of lying, blaming, covering up, minimizing, rationalizing, and refusing to change. If they really “get it,” they will realize the offended party needs time.
The thing is, if you have experienced this kind of relationship with someone, you know how tricky it is to get caught up in the cycle. The destructive person is mean. The offended party says so. The destructive person is meaner. The offended party shuts down. The offense is filed away, unresolved. The destructive person is nice. The offended party warms up and hopes. The destructive person is mean. And around and around and around we go. Where we stop—nobody knows.
Until the offended person decides enough is enough.
If (and that’s a big IF) a destructive person finally sees the cycle for what it is and how they’ve played an abusive role in it, they will understand why the offended party needs to see, over time, whether or not the cycle has really been disrupted. If they insist on immediate reconciliation and empathy from you while not giving you the empathy and time you need, you will know they still don’t get it. Back to square one: the need for conviction.
I know I’m repeating myself in different ways, but this is how we get better. This is how the pieces start to fall into place. We have to see it and hear it and read it over and over and over again, because the deep ruts in our brains keep sliding us back into former ways of thinking. It’s really like we need to be deprogrammed from years of brainwashing. That’s what I’m trying to do here for you. For me.
I chose to separate from my husband a year and a half ago from the time of this writing. I couldn’t catch my breath between “incidents,” and my focus was constantly on recovering emotionally from the latest crazy conversation. I was becoming sarcastic. I was swearing. I was yelling. I was literally going to my bedroom and pulling hair out of my own skull. That is how insane I felt in my relationship. When I began counseling and realized I had choices as an adult woman, it still took me a long time to exercise my right to make my own choices. To choose to get away. To choose to pursue healing and wholeness.
Even then, it has been a long road to healing. I’ve only recently begun to feel a relief from deep, roiling anger over years of injustice. I can now have a conversation with him, and when it starts to go south, I can excuse myself without feeling like I’m going to choke to death in disbelief over the insanity involved. I can hear the accusations and lies and tell myself (and believe myself) that they are just accusations and lies. They aren’t true just because someone else believes them and says them over and over. It doesn’t matter if the whole world believes them. God knows, and I know. Now I know. But I wasn’t able to begin that healing process while I was still living in the middle of the storm. Back then it was just mental and emotional survival. When a person is trying to survive, they aren’t able to be or do much else. And maybe that is part of God’s plan for a while, but I no longer believe that this kind of mind-altering relationship is God’s life-long destiny for anyone. It is a result of sin.
I had a thought yesterday, and this is a good place to share it. Some Christians teach that suffering is something to embrace because it makes you like Jesus. In one sense, this is true. God USES suffering in our lives to burn off dross, sharpen us, bring us nearer to Himself, and so on. But does He really want us to stay stuck in suffering? When we lose someone we love, are we to stay stuck in the grief process? Or are we to walk through it, heal, and come out on the other side a new person? When we become aware of child abuse or sexual abuse, do we say to the people involved, “It’s all good! This will really shape you as you grow older! I’m sorry your parent is abusing you, but that’s God’s choice, and it will all work together for good!” Or do we advocate for them and work to get them out of that abusive relationship where they can be safe?
And what about Christian prisoners? We don’t send them a letter saying, “Hey Bro. Heard you’re in prison. God be with you, you lucky dog. You get to be more like Jesus now! We’d try to help you, but we wouldn’t want to interfere with God’s plan for your life, and that’s obviously unjust imprisonment. Rejoice and be glad in the Lord, you saint, you!” No, we fight to see them freed.
We do what Jesus was sent to do:
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is on Me, because the LORD has anointed Me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and freedom to the prisoners;
Isaiah 61:1
Some suffering is inevitable, and yes, God uses it to shape us and mature us. We are told to rejoice in these outcomes (Romans 5:3-5). However, other kinds of suffering CAN and MUST be ended. I believe domestic abuse in all of its forms falls under this category, and to the degree Christians rise to the task of exposing evil and turning it out of homes and churches, our homes and families will be healthy, and our world witness will be effective. It doesn’t seem like the church is ready for that yet. I have rarely heard stories of pastors and elders and church members actually seeing things as they are and advocating for the victims. On the other hand, I’ve heard literally hundreds of horrible stories of survivors begging for help and being ignored and blamed. That has been my personal experience as well. But I believe God is doing something right now. I believe He is in the process of exposing the evil in our pews and beds. And children of God, you are part of this work. Your stories need to be heard.
So raise your heads. Raise your voices. Raise the truth. Aslan is on the move.
Aslan is on the move!
I have tears in my eyes, I have never been in this kind of relationship, but it is wonderful to see you have gotten out and are helping others do the same, or at least putting the idea to them so that one day, hopefully soon, they will see they can.
Thank you.
To your comment on suffering – I would go even farther. Christ will honor your suffering when you are suffering for His sake. Suffering for the sake of suffering honors no one and God does not call us to suffer for the sake of suffering. I have been very fortunate. My pastor, church leadership, and church family have supported me as I separated from my verbally, emotionally abusive husband. I am now divorced and in the process of recovery and healing. I have come to understand God’s love in a way I never did before. Blessings to you. Your words help me as I travel this road.
Thank you for adding that point about suffering, LuAnn. And it is always encouraging to hear stories where a church pulls together to support survivors and make their environment adversive to destructive individuals. That’s a place where real believers can worship in peace and safety.
Such a great point I’d never thought of, suffering that honors Christ and suffering that honors the devil’s work….
Such an important distinction! Thank you for sharing!
Prayers to you as you continue on your healing journey.
Thank you for the comparisons of responses we as believers have to other abuse versus how we respond to marital abuse. There was a light bulb that went off for me. I’m supporting a believing friend whose husband is likely not a believer- no fruit born, “stuck” in a pattern of sexual sin, blaming her “faults” for his own lapses, etc– and she is endlessly committed to their marriage vows. He has himself walked away for over a year and refuses to be reconciled, yet will not follow through on his declared intent to divorce her. I feel helpless to “do” anything for her, except listen and pray. point her to Jesus who loves her and does not desire this kind of marriage for her.
It’s hard to watch someone we love suffer. Another way of potentially helping a little is by giving her a book or sending her an article here and there – just to plant seeds that might help her understand things from a different perspective. I think there is some brainwashing involved in these kinds of marriages.
Just want to thank you for this series of posts. Very helpful to me.
Thank you for joining us, Vicky!
Wonderful, Natalie! I’m loving this series, and my readers are too as I share it with them.
I want to make a comment on your last point, about how Christians often make it seem like suffering makes us more godly, and thus we should pursue it or be honored when we suffer. I wrote a long post on just this a while back, talking specifically about Debi Pearl and the “Created To Be His Helpmeet” take on suffering.
Basically, here’s my point: Jesus suffered, yes. But He always suffered with a purpose–to bring people closer to God. Other times He stood up for Himself and for the Father. He acted differently in different situations as the situation demanded, but always with the same goal: to reveal God and bring about the kingdom of God.
Sometimes suffering does that (when He went to the cross; when Christians are martyred). But sometimes it doesn’t (when it prevents other people from having to face their own sin; when it further allows damage to children or to yourself). Our goal should not be to suffer for Jesus; it should be to reveal Jesus in our daily lives, and quite often the way we do that is to act in such a way that others see their own sin.
So, so true. Great point. You know what I love about you, Sheila? Your blog has a specific focus and executes it with substance and style – yet you also address the outliers in order to keep things in healthy perspective. Thank you for linking the readers here to your excellent article on this subject. And thank you for sharing this series with your own readers.
“The thing is, if you have experienced this kind of relationship with someone, you know how tricky it is to get caught up in the cycle. The destructive person is mean. The offended party says so. The destructive person is meaner. The offended party shuts down. The offense is filed away, unresolved. The destructive person is nice. The offended party warms up and hopes. The destructive person is mean. And around and around and around we go. Where we stop—nobody knows.”
Yes, yes this describes it nicely. I can go back to the first year of almost 2 decades and say this is my story. Issues NEVER were resolved. I explained, I prayed, I explained more, I sought counsel. One day (over a period of detaching and waking up) I had enough. The cycle changed. Now,almost a year away from the destructive person, I am experiencing some peace. Only some (actually a lot) because there is still gaslighting, still lying, still trying to get his way through covert measures. These people are wicked because what they DO is wrong and they do not see it. My life now is a daily battle to lay down fears, to lay down anger, to lay down depression and to look to my Savior who has been faithful, true, loving and gentle. Some days I do better than others but Jesus is patient with me. He gives me encouragement through bloggers, through others’ stories, and through His word. Then there is the present reality of a more peaceful home, the acts of God to open new doorways, and new friends that are not judgmental of my divorced status.
As for God exposing the evil in the pews and bedrooms, I pray for exposure daily. I have friends caught in evil marriages who feel compelled to stay, my ex is in a new church working to gain high status to look good, and I want to see God’s justice. I would love to see repentance and reconciliation because that is good but reality (I finally understand) is that evil and people who DO evil, have no desire to change. How the Psalms and Proverbs look so different to me these days. Natalie, thank you for your voice, Sharing parts of your story and the truths God has given you helps this woman in her own pathway of freedom. Yes, Aslan is on the move!
Thank you for sharing your own story of movement toward release and walking in freedom and safety. We need to keep hearing these stories. It is possible to find hope on the other side. There is such deep fear of letting go and moving forward alone, but we are never alone. Jesus Christ is right here, up close, in our faces. We belong to Him, and though people will fail us, He will never abandon us.
I think you are right that God is on the move. This post brought tears to my eyes! When I first found out my husband (then fiancee…) was addicted to pornography I felt alone, scared, and stupid. I reacted with the typical symptoms (what we now know are typical) but was told I had daddy issues, it was just the devil not the man, and that I needed to buck up and be his accountability partner.
Now, there is a huge amount of research and literature pointing out the betrayal trauma symptoms that mirror PTSD and that women are not just overreacting. Slightly different than the type of abuse you wrote about, but it seems like the church (yes, even the church can learn!) is waking up and I’m thankful God is using you as part of this process.
What about families suffering violence at the hands of this with autism or other severe disabilities? This is our story. Thank God diet helped somewhat…with the aggression, not in making her functional.
But what about that?the trauma these families, especially the siblings, endure is commonly brushed off as God’s will. (I have my own point about the need to paint autism as a good thing in the throes of the epidemic we are in, but I don’t want to get too far off track.)
I have read many stories worse than ours…Regular ER trips and more.
It is really heart wrenching. Telling the survivors this is good for them will almost assuredly make it worse. But with these individuals not being functional enough to slimy be asked or told to leave, the family is in a very difficult place.
I’m sorry, Katie. That is a whole different issue that I am unable to address here. You are right – it is heart wrenching.
I loved the statement that Aslan is on the move. Just the other day we were once again listening to “The Magician’s Nephew” and had just finished the part where Digory goes to ask Aslan for help with his mother and instead Aslan asks Digory to explain how evil came into Narnia. And afterwards I asked my daughter, “Do you think Aslan knew how evil came into Narnia?” She replied, “Of course he did!” “So why did he ask Digory, then?” “Because Digory needed to admit to himself what he’d done wrong.” That’s so true. I’ve always said, confession really isn’t for God — it’s for the person confession because it is part of the process of the person confessing how wrong he is and how much he needs help. God already knows everything we’ve done wrong – it’s us that have the most trouble recognizing these things. But until we recognize our wrongs we can’t start to change.
Several things here again hit home, but most particularly the description of the response of a person who, when confronted, doesn’t want to own his behavior. I think of the time I was told — a day later and walking out the door on the way to work so no time to have a discussion — that I had used an “accusing tone” when, in private, I tried to speak to my husband about an issue with one of our children. I don’t remember the issue but I don’t think at all that I was trying to accuse him of anything — just to maybe show a different point of view or see if there would be a way to resolve the issue without it getting much. And probably were my husband to watch this video he would say that I had offended him — because after all someone else can’t tell us we haven’t been offended. Well, her certainly agrees with that idea. And this sends me into much introspection and attempted analysis of myself — was I really accusing him even though I didn’t know it?
And another time I don’t think at all we were have an argument. We had been having a discussion and I made an observation that I thought was related and suddenly I was told “Stop that nonsense!” And when I tried to explain why I didn’t think what I was saying was nonsense, I was shut down.
These things can to mind when I read what you wrote about the blame shifting, denials, excuses, etc. So yes, at this point, though I’ve spent most of my marriage speaking up when I felt concern, I find that I can’t take that anymore. I’m seeing that right now it seems impossible to be heard when I speak up. I’m just accused of being inconsiderate or unloving or not appreciating him or attacking him.
Thanks for helping me start to get a different view on these things.
Yes, I can relate to your confusion and dilemma. Here is another video that addresses this issue: How to Deal with Relational Conflict
Natalie,
Thank you for your service and sharing such hard truths. All I have read lately has been used by God to open my eyes some. I’ve been on both sides. I feel at a loss often and not heard but we are still healing from hurt I inflicted on our marriage by my sin. I was reading these last few posts and realized that I was the one looking for my blanket “sorry” to lead to reconciliation not giving him the time he needs. Now one difference is I have changed and was/am truly convicted but not always as patient and I need to be. Please keep on your good work.