Relating to Our Adult Married Children
Amber & Ruben
By Contributing Writer, Marci Ferrell
We are finding ourselves in the next season of life where we have adult children. The best advice I can give you as you relate to your adult children is to remember that they are still young.
Our adult children need much grace and time to grow as they learn to maneuver through the next season of life the Lord has them in. They are still growing and maturing. There will be many mistakes, and as a parent, we need to be patient as the Lord continues to mold them.
This post is a work in progress being lived out in my life on a daily basis. My husband and I are still learning how to properly interact with our married daughter and her husband. Our roles have shifted from being the main authority and source of advice for our daughter, to now taking a step back because that is her husband’s role. Let me share with you some lessons we have learned along the way.
Leave and Cleave
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
Genesis 2:24
Amber is my only daughter, and we had, and still have, a very close relationship. Her husband is Norwegian and lived in Norway at the time they were married. The day after the wedding he whisked her away to Norway, and the next time we saw her was on Skype. It was a hard trial, and I spent many days in tears just missing her and her presence in our home. After two and a half years in Norway their family is here in the states now, twenty minutes away from us, and I am crying as I am writing this remembering how painful that time was.
Many times issues in marriage arise because the newly married couple does not leave and cleave. Amber and Ruben only had each other in Norway. His family was a 14 hour drive away, and we were not exactly around the corner. They quickly learned what it meant to leave and cleave and become one flesh.
I am not saying that every married couple needs to leave the town they are in and live a distance away from their family, but learning to give them space to become dependent on one another is very important.
Even with the distance, we have to be cautious of emotional attachments. I found us having to work through the closeness we had as a family emotionally so Amber could properly relate to her husband. Take the time to give them the freedom they need as a newly married couple. Let them be the main initiators in calling and coming to visit during that first year of marriage. They need time to become their own family unit.
The Lord is faithful and He knew what was best for Amber and Ruben. I can look back and give thanks for the distance and separation knowing that God did work all things together for good.
Father Daughter Dance
Learning to Communicate
This is a new season for the whole family, and you now have an additional member that you are just getting to know well…so proper communication is important. We are going to mess up. Very simply put, this transitional period can be awkward at times. You are going to say things you shouldn’t say and do things you shouldn’t do. Issues will arise and the only way to work through them is to talk about them.
They are adults and need to be treated as adults. We have been their source of guidance and advice for their whole lives, and now we need to avoid giving advice until we are asked. Our hope is that if they have been raised up in the Word, they will remember what the book of Proverbs teaches: seeking wisdom from others is a characteristic of a wise person. They must have a teachable spirit and realize they may not always agree with what guidance we have to give, but they need to seek wisdom from those who are a little further down the road.
They will have to make their own choices as adults, and there may be consequences for those choices, but we need to let them learn from them. Remembering that they now have a spouse to seek for guidance first is important. If your child is coming to you for advice, direct them to their spouse to get their input.
Loving their Spouse
Now we take on that dreaded role of “in-law.” I love being a mother-in-law and have enjoyed getting to know my son-in-law and building a relationship with him. My husband has really taken the time to learn all about Ruben. I am thankful they have such a good relationship. They encourage each other spiritually and in their roles as husbands and fathers.
Seek out your child’s guidance on how to properly love their spouse. They know their spouses better than we do, and they desire us to love their spouses well.
Pray that your children would offer you much grace, since you have never been an in-law, and it is new water you are treading in. Our children are always seeking us for answers, and they may forget that we don’t have all the answers. Remind them that this “in-law” thing is new to you, and you are still learning.
The Goal
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.
Psalm 127:4
Our children our going to grow up and leave the nest, and this is our goal. To send those arrows into battle. They are going to do the Lord’s work for His Kingdom, and we desire them to accomplish His purposes. That is our goal as parents.
It is not always easy, but it is necessary and good. We are leaving a legacy for the next generation.
The goal of parenting is to work yourself out of a job. The goal of parenting is to send young adults out into the world who are prepared to live as God’s children and as salt and light in a corrupt and broken world.
Paul David Tripp
Our Hope
We don’t know the future. I don’t know what the Lord has in store for my children and grandchildren. There may be trying times and difficult seasons ahead.
I do know that I can look to the future without fear, knowing that the One who does hold the future in His hands is with me always. The grace and knowledge of my Lord Jesus Christ gives me confidence to be at peace in this new season of life and enjoy the blessings.
The best thing we can do for our adult children is to pray for them. Pray that they seek first His Kingdom, pray that they love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind and strength, and pray that they will always remain teachable and seek guidance and help when they need it from their earthly parents too.
In the midst of an ever-changing world, the good news is that the life of faith is anchored by the power, provisions, and promises of God. Circumstances may change, but the future is as sure as the character of God Himself. No matter what happens, those who trust in God hope in His word.
Scott Hafemann
Lots of humility and wisdom here. Our oldest son just married last year, and so we are learning. I love your idea of asking your child how to love their spouse. Nancy Wilson says that the main duties of in-laws are loyalty and service.
Thank you Jeannette :). There is so much to learn in each season of life the Lord has us in – I have enjoyed this season and am thankful my children offer me much grace. Love the two main duties you shared from Nancy Wilson – much wisdom there for us in-laws!
It is interesting to see the path being walked by baby-boomer mothers, as their children now establish lives of their own. A generation undoubtedly marked and engineered by more worldliness, wealth and choice than any other.
It is undoubtedly important for good counsel to be sought by a young married couple but I note that there is real difficulty on the parents front in allowing true leaving and cleaving under the direction of the Lord. I haven’t seen many examples of that being well mastered by older mothers with manifestation of fruit of the Holy Spirit.
As a young married woman I appreciate the ministry of older women in matters of home and family. However from experience I find that some mothers just can’t let go and verge on will control and attention-seeking when the young vine needs to bed in and grow.
It sounds as if you have learnt a lot in your experience with your daughter and can only pray that a ministry to other mothers arises that equips them to transition to a new phase of life where they can enjoy observing and not overly participating in their children’s marriages.
I also note this phenomenon does not affect men. Does the disparity point to an addition need for the older mother to submit to her husband and his God-directed will for their family?
Kind regards,
Ren
Ren some great items you have pointed out here. I do know that it is so helpful for us older moms to seek out the guidance of our husbands. Many times I have learned to ask my husband first before bringing something up to our adult children. I have pondered this and thought about the feministic mindset we have been raised with in my generation. Instead of waiting on the Lord and seeking counsel from our husbands we just speak and take control. This is an area I am continuing to grow in. Learning when to speak and when to be quiet.
Everything you wrote is so true. Our son and daughter in law are coming up on their first anniversary. It has been a year of growing and learning for all of us. We went through a grieving process, but have come out the other side more in love with this new little family. One thing that really “hurt” us at the beginning, is our son didn’t want to come home to visit. He only lives 10 minutes away, so the visits would just be dinner and what not. After talking with him recently, he reveled that he didn’t want to fall back into being part of the family that lived in our house. He was still learning his role as husband and leader of his own home, and coming here confused him. It didn’t last too long, but it was still a difficult time.
We are also a family that has a wide range of ages. At my son’s wedding, I was 10 weeks pregnant. So we are also having to learn how to teach our new baby about his married brother.
The next year or so is going to be bringing some more change. It already is making me sad inside,. Yet I know the blessing that will come with this change and I am thankful that our children are finding godly spouses and that we can grow together through these changes.
Shari,
Thank you for taking the time to share today. It sounds like you have a home full of many more blessings to come and it is exciting to see our families grow in the way of godly spouses. Amber has been married now for three years and we truly are settling in and I know it will be a different adjustment as our son marries but I read somewhere to remember to let my future daughter-in-law know that Christ is first in her life in marriage but she is now number one in my son’s life. I really loved that :). Blessings to you today!
Excellent post, Marci! I feel like many young couples struggle with parents or in-laws who still want to have the primary role in their son’s/daughter’s life. A struggle grows as a mother tries to trump the husband’s authority or a father continues to insist he is head of even this new family unit. Sadly the adult child is torn between forming a new unit with his spouse or obeying/respecting the parent(s). Eventually a tremendous amount of stress and strain is placed on all relationships. Marriage doesn’t mean the parents are rejected or no longer needed, it just means a new season has begun! Embrace it! I’m sure it is hard to separate a bit from your child in recognizing your new role in their new season. However, a broken relationship is even harder for all individuals. Thank you for sharing this message today! It really is needed. Sorting out this issue has been a struggle for my husband and I’s marriage. It’s something that we see time and time again in other young couples as well. Relating to your adult/married child in a different way than as the parent they needed to tie their shoes as a child can be a beautiful time. We just all have to come to a greater understanding of “two becoming one.”
-Whitney @ http://www.revivinghomemaking.blogspot.com
Whitney,
Thank you for sharing from the young married couples view. It is good that you recognize the difficulties that can arise and remember to address them with good communication and much grace. Love the reminder that marriage is such a great work of sanctification in our lives not just in our marriages but in our relationship with our parents and in-laws too! May the Lord continue to do a great work in your marriage.
~Marci
Marci,
My dear friend, this message is so timely. I have been crying so much as I think of our own daughters upcoming wedding in
December, what that means for us going forward and now that we have given them roots, how best to give them their “wings”. We will want to respect boundaries with them as a couple, for our son-in-law as head of his household, and eventually, Lord willing, as they become parents. We want to encourage them to figure things out for themselves first, but always be ready for advice and help when THEY ask for it. This is very important to us to change this course of generational history because in this was indeed not the example that we were shown. It caused so much confusion, heartache, tension and choices we regret making because extended did not properly cut the apron strings.
I am thankful for you being real about your own feelings and comforted that we are not alone in this journey and have God loving friends we can look to for counsel in either Scripture or personal life experiences.
Thank you again for posting!
God bless! Separated by miles, but close at <3
Chrysta
Chrysta, I am thankful we can share together what the Lord is teaching us. Your time in December is going to be so joyous and I remember on Amber’s wedding day trying to focus on the day and enjoy that moment and not to think about the next day. It is an adjustment and takes time but I know you and Spencer will be such a blessing as in-laws to your new son-in-law. I still cry Chrysta when I look at that photo of the father daughter dance. We need to have a phone conversation soon sweet friend :). Much love <3
What great things to consider. Our four daughters are just of this age. 2 married, 2 single. Number 3 gets married this weekend. Nice to have these points reinforced. May we always be led by the Lord in our relationships. So easy to make mistakes and such grace available when we do. What a wonderful time to watch our children mature in the Lord. Thank you so so much for this timely reminder.
I hooked into your “leave and cleave” point. My beloved and I have been married for 13 years now and have two children ages seven and five. For the first five or six years of our life I was getting to know his family. My family dinamic was thrown to pieces when my sister went to college. I didn’t have a close relationship with my mom but we got along well because I was her ‘yes’ girl. Now, we lives two hours from each other and she really doesn’t like me telling her that I don’t agree with what she is saying nor wanting to do what she wants to do. We make different choices and she seems to be a stranger more than my mom. She didn’t give advice to me before getting married and now that I have two children and her step-children are getting divroces and the grand kids on that side have grown she wants to give advice and wants me to do things her way. This is hard! I pray for grace and hope that someday she will see me as an adult not just the child that once agreed with everything Momma said because Momma said it. I fear how I will do when my time comes and what the Lord will lead them to do. I see how my mom did and how our relationship is and I have a twinge of fear. But I am reminded that the Lord is blessing me and continues to bless me daily so I pray now, yes now, for those days to come that we will have a relationship of some kind and will want to share our lives in some way (letters, phone calls, face to face visits – anything!) when they are grown and fallowing God’s calling in their lives. I am not sure how I will do so I ask now for grace with my mom and courage as I grow into the mom of grown children. *smile* Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Sincerely, Mommy of two growing blessings & so much more!
Ug, I digressed a lot from my origonal thought. I see that now that I am reading it as a comment…sorry.
My orrigonal thought was what a blessing it has been to our merriage and family to be far from family and the familiar landscapes of ‘home’ while getting our footing in parenting with God to guide us. We moved just after our son was born for work for my beloved. We have come to consider so many areas of our walk with the Lord that we never gave any thought to when we were around what we knew so well. It has been a rich blessing to our family. Though, my heart longs to “go home” to the landscape and climate we know and love so much. *smile* We are content to be here or to go where the Lord sends. That is a lovely feeling to have. Sorry about replying to my own thing as it seems odd, but I wanted to be sure to put my point about the leave and cleave thing. *smile* Sincerely, Mommy of two growing blessings & so much more!
We haven’t quite reached this season, but it is constantly on my mind. I am aware of changes in our lives even as our older children creep up closer to 20 than to 10
When we were first married, we lived far from any family. I had three children within 5 years of each other and had NO babysitter or help. There were some lonely times, but I can say this for sure: It was the best thing we ever did. Much as I *love* my daughters and part of me dreads not having their lively personalities here with me every day, I would advise any couple (even my own children!) to seriously think about moving away from the place of their birth, even for a few years, at the beginning of their marriage. It really gives space to grow and develop and lean only on each other.
Fabulous post and full of wisdom ! Thank you for sharing, Marci! I just had the first of ten to get married in May. Fortunately for me it was a son, not a daughter!
I think it was easier with a son first, as we have a different relationship than I have with my older daughters!
It has been great thus far! I have a fabulous relationship with my new Daughter and I think we have done well in giving them space. They live in an apartment here in town about 20 minutes away. I’ve never gone over uninvited. I invite them over from time to time for dinner, and we go to church together, and they know they are welcome for Sunday dinner any time!
I think the fact that I”m still busy at home with a large family keeps me from being a busybody into their lives! I notice that sometimes moms with one or two children are the worst about not wanting to let those kids go and wanting to live vicariously through them. I have plenty to still keep me busy at home!
We are so blessed because our son and daughter in law seek our counsel and the counsel of other godly older adults in our church. They are off to a great start and we rejoice in all that the Lord is doing!
Thanks again for sharing your wisdom!
I am thankful to report that there are success stories out there! I am the 4th child of 8 kiddos and the 3rd one married, and I have an excellent relationship with both my parents as well as my in-laws. In fact, my husband and I were talking about it in the car last night. My parents are believes and my in-laws are not, but both of us love and appreciate our parents and in-laws, who are present and available but not TOO involved. My hubby and I have had our fair share of struggles, but we are truly thankful that THIS is not one of them!
I have walked this road, on our daughter just moved across town. What a hard time I had adjusting. I let her make the phone calls, plan times for us to be together and many of the things you mentioned. I don’t think she knows how difficult that was, but I know they grew together because I was willing to step back. Four years later, when we were looking for a new home Melanie and her husband encouraged us to look for one in their part of town. We have a precious relationship and I owe it to God for leading me in this new area of our life. Now we have grandchildren and she trusts me to keep their rules at my house–except for an added cookie or two which Melanie calls Mawmaw’s privilege. Bless you for writing this. Its invaluable advice.
Excellent! I have not yet had to walk through this, but I am asking the Lord to grow me now so it will be easier, and I will have more of a Christ-like spirit to see us through. May the Lord extend us all grace to be His ambassadors to our grown children. Thank you, Marci! I’m praying with you for all young people to know Him!