Raising Sons and Daughters: What We Would Have Done Differently
Our lovely grown children: Andrew, Lydia, Samuel, and Jonathan Wilwerding
By Contributing Writer, Marcia Wilwerding
As the empty nest is upon us, it gives me plenty of time to reflect on how we raised our sons and daughter, particularly what we would have done differently. Are there things which were so important then that are not so important now? Is there anything we wish we had done or not done which has affected our children’s lives over the long run? Here are a few things which immediately come to mind.
More Camps and Conferences
Just having come home from a week at our favorite family camp, I am especially sad we did not attend more of them over the years. If your church is especially small and your circle of friends is even smaller, you need a place you can take your children on a regular basis where they can network with other families of like faith and practice for the purpose of perhaps meeting their future mates.
Northwoods Bible Conference at Camp Nicolet, Eagle River, WI (2008)
Image source: eHomebody.com
Our biggest frustration with our unmarried, adult daughter has been the scant number of eligible young men in her life who have the same or similar beliefs and culture with whom she might be wed. I know it is not impossible to eventually meet “the one,” but it sure makes it easier if you already know someone and their family.
Finding a Church and Staying There
One of the biggest regrets we have is not having been rooted in a church of like faith and practice through the whole child rearing stage of our family. This, too, is a means of networking for the purpose of marriage, but also of learning to operate within the Body of Christ.
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Things we thought were so important when the children were small seem terribly Pharisaical now. I was particularly judgmental and critical of others, especially in clothing and recreational choices. It seems the fear of our children being affected by others kept us moving. Now my husband and I see that doctrinal issues should be the main reason for leaving a church, not outward appearances. I deeply regret this.
And…That’s About It
Though we were not perfect in our parenting, the other regrets are minuscule compared with these two which have affected our children the most in the long run. I suppose I could have been a little more diligent in having them pick up after themselves or in eating a better diet, but those things have not had the same impact as our lack of network friendships and stable church background.
Nevertheless, God is faithful. For instance, our oldest son met his wife through a church we attended a few years when they were teenagers. They renewed their friendship years later through the family camp we happened to attend together one year. Yet, while our oldest son met his wife through a small network of believers we already knew, our second son met his wife through commenting on the same sermon online with a young woman he had never met. God is not impaired in executing his will for our children even through decisions we now regret.
However, I would still encourage parents to seriously consider the future impact on their children when choosing or leaving a church. And, if your church family is not a place where they might nurture marriageable friendships, then consider finding a family camp or week-long conference to attend over the years where they can make those connections.
By God’s grace, may you have no regrets.
(You might enjoy my post regarding attending family camp here: http://ehomebody.blogspot.com/2008/09/things-i-have-learned-from-family-camp.html.)
Tags: parenting, parenting teens
Thank you for this, Marcia. I’m going to share it. I love your open honesty. It is never helpful for women to pretend there isn’t a thing they would change. Goodness, there are things I would change about *yesterday*.
I love what you said about church being paramount. Sage words. Also the camps and conferences. You hit the nail on the head. With three teens and a not large bank account we have found that making it to these conferences even once a year, is terribly important and can be enough to encourage a young person to “keep at it” when there are no other like-minded friends. For us it has meant sacrificing other “extras.”
Lastly, your testimony of God’s provision for mates, despite what you would have done differently, is so encouraging! Yes, ultimately, He is faithful! I posted a video once on my blog of Voddie Baucham, speaking on this topic. He said, “If God found a mate for Adam, don’t you think He can get YOU somebody?”
Bambi, your comment has definitely been an encouragement to me, especially the quote from Voddie Baucham.
I still struggle and doubt about God’s provision for our daughter. It’s not like with our sons who, should one woman not work out, they can always try another. Our daughter would not feel comfortable initiating a relationship with ANY man. I know some folks have no problem with that, but she does. So, although she has many networks in place, there have been no (appropriate) takers. And, so, we fret and get frustrated. But, Voddie is right. I have to keep reminding myself that God IS in control, and we just have to wait and be patient. Thanks.
Marcia Wilwerding recently posted…Cleaning House: A Mom’s 12-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home Of Youth Entitlement – Book Review
Thanks so much for this!
As the mother of 2 boys, these are great things to know while they are still reasonably young.
I moved to the UK nearly 2 years ago from NZ and had a lot of ups and downs when I got here – 2 deaths – one of those the homocide of my nephew. Affter a year in a church, where I spent a lot of time inviting others over and trying to make friends, I moved on as I had not been looked after.
My oldest son though didn’t like the change and had said he felt like he belonged in the first church (my husband does not go to church).
I realised over the past month, that my job is to teach them Christ and do all I can to show them the best path.
I realised I am already saved and whether I feel looked after or not, I should be where my sons (who sometimes doubts Christ is real) feel most at home – where they will most hear and see Christ, for themselves through relationships formed.
This helps confirm it for me and I really appreciate that, as well as knowing about the camps. I think next year I will be on the list for our church camp!
Thank you for being a Titus 2 woman and sharing your experiences with those of us with younger children. First, I’d like to encourage you and your daughter. The daughter of a missionary our church supported for many years had no beaus through schooling or during the beginning of college years. By a “God” timed introduction to a gentleman in New Zealand of all places, she began correspondence with him and they have now been married for many years. Certainly not how anyone would have guessed she would meet her husband.
Second, the church conundrum has had me thinking for awhile. We love the preaching at our church. It is Bible based, our pastor is not afraid to preach unpopular but true doctrine and we are challenged. Unfortunately we do not have any friends in the church and I worry that our children will not feel connected as a result of that. I’d prefer not to leave my name but if you feel so led, would love for you to lift up our family in prayer for wisdom.
Thank you for your encouraging words of wisdom. Yes, there is nothing impossible with our God. And, we must continually let our requests be made known to Him. I will definitely pray for you and your family. I know what you are going through.
Marcia Wilwerding recently posted…Cleaning House: A Mom’s 12-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home Of Youth Entitlement – Book Review
Marcia,
Thanks so much for your vulnerability on this subject.
This really underscores for me that the efforts/sacrifices we make now in these areas will have all sorts of value down the road. Our community-building is so important, our connection with The Body is no trivial thing – it is powerful and impacts coming generations.
For a long time we have been thinking of planning a family camp for our area, as none exists. The task has seemed too huge. But, your words make me think that it’s probably worth it!
Thank you for this humble reminder.
Bonnie recently posted…Woman, You Are Beautiful
Oh, I pray more family- and Gospel-centered camps would spring up across our nation and around the world. We need more connection with the Body of Christ at large, especially when we are usually so few in number on the local level. Families who hold church only with their family can be especially isolated and would benefit from gathering with others of like faith and practice if only for a week. It can be done.
Marcia Wilwerding recently posted…Cleaning House: A Mom’s 12-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home Of Youth Entitlement – Book Review
i agree with this…mostly. however, i would point out that meeting “the one” may have very little to do with how much networking someone does. God is sovereign over who meets who, where, and when…now matter how much effort a person may invest in networking. i attended two bible colleges with scores of “eligible” young christian men, and didn’t meet “the one” at either one of those schools. i ended up on an “unplanned” trip 700 miles away from either school, from my home, from my church (i’m a “pk” to boot!) and that was where i met my husband! this experience has taught me that you just never know what God has in store and what might be just around the corner!
I agree with you…mostly.
While it is true God is not bound by our lack of networking with other believers, these stories are the exception to the rule. Most believers meet their mates in the context of their connections. There are extenuating circumstances, such as missionary children and others who are isolated from the rest of the Body, but those are extenuating circumstances through which God works in His mysterious ways.
I see finding a mate, however, as being similar to how the Lord works in salvation in that, though He may strike a man blind in the middle of the road on his way to persecute Christians, God usually converts His people through means, such as Gospel preaching and literature, being reared in a godly home, or through one-on-one witnessing. In this way, though it is encouraging to hear stories of people finding their mates in peculiar situations, we wouldn’t want to tempt God by isolating ourselves either. I encourage folks to network AND trust God for the outcome, even if they never marry at all.
Marcia Wilwerding recently posted…Cleaning House: A Mom’s 12-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home Of Youth Entitlement – Book Review
well put! of course you’re right; i’ve been happily ensconced in christian communities my whole life, as a member of the local church and in bible college. now that i’m a mama though, i’m feeling more intensely the need to network, and finding out just how big a blessing it is to have a church family that crowds around me and my husband as we experience difficult times far away from where i used to call “home.” i have only been to one christian camp twice; i suppose i don’t even know what i’ve missed when it comes to family camps/conferences. i will keep your wisdom close at hand as i raise my children. thanks for the extra input!