By Contributing Writer, Kelly Crawford
Perhaps one of the most crippling influences on the grown-up generation of our day was the advent of “the teenager.” Dr. Michael Platt writes:
“There were no “teenagers” before World War II….
Instead of Teenagers, there were Youths. Youths were young people who wanted to become adults. However confused, wayward, or silly they acted, however many mistakes they made, they looked to the future. They knew that adult life was different than a child’s life. They planned to grow up, leave childhood behind, and become adults. They were aware that life is more than youth.
The Teenager has no such horizon. Beyond the “Teeny” world there is no adult life, no past with heroes, no future with goals.
As Christian parents given the task of ushering our children into adulthood, we are bound by one standard if we wish to see the Lord’s blessing on our families: that of His Word.
Sadly, though, many Christian parents have allowed the culture to trump the timeless truths in Scripture, mandating their parenting philosophies. The teenage culture we created, dominated by peer dependency, has stinted the growth of society as a whole, creating a host of problems. And still, the vast majority shake heads and wring hands, wondering “what’s gone wrong?”
We’re all familiar with the verse, “He who walks with the wise will become wise; but a companion of fools suffers harm.”
But the problem is, we don’t read it and understand the depth of practical wisdom for raising our children.
The Bible essentially explains that children are still “fools” in need of the counsel of those older than they. Simply understood, if a child spends most of his time with older, wiser people (and God just so happened to have him born into a family with two of them), he will grow into a wise adult. But if most of his time is spent with the foolish (i.e. his peers), then he will “suffer harm” reaching into his adult life.
Peer influence can be a wonderful, positive thing, if it’s handled the right way. A limited amount of time spent with peers who share your family’s values can be an important asset to a young person if a “peer culture” is avoided (spending massive amounts of time without adult influence).
Positive peer influence has benefited our family greatly as we try to steer our children in a growing direction. But the peers who have most positively affected our children did so precisely because they spent the majority of their time “walking with the wise.”
Interestingly, even professionals in the secular world are confirming this truth. Dr. Gabor Mate says:
Children are increasingly forming attachments that compete with their parents, with the result that the proper context for parenting is less and less available to us. Not a lack of love or of parenting know how but the erosion of the attachment context is what makes our parenting ineffective.
Our children were placed into families, not peer groups. The Lord knew what is so easy for us to confirm: in order to effectively teach our children, we must “have their hearts:” that relationship that causes them to respect and care about what we have to say. “My son, give me your heart.”
Pull your children close and be confident that this is right and good. Don’t sacrifice the hearts of your children for a lie from the one who “seeks to kill, steal and destroy.”
Raise them in wisdom by walking with them.
About Kelly Crawford
Boy, did this meet a need! I live in New England, which is not famous for its homeschooling population OR dynamic Christian living. In fact, I don’t know anyone in my town who is a Christian or who homeschools. It’s quite a wilderness and I have been really after God lately trying to understand why my sweet and funny 10 yo daughter doesn’t have many friends. I had suspected that perhaps He was protecting us from unpleasant influences; this article confirms that suspicion and I am VERY grateful.
Hoping to move to Alabama in 2014; maybe we’ll come visit and let you pour some balm on our weary souls!!
Anne,
So glad it encouraged you. If you move to AL, look me up–I’m from there too
Anne,
I am a recent transplant from New England…. born and raised! Left for a while, then returned with family! What a dearth of Christian community we found. We know there are Christians up there, but they are scattered and few. Persevere! The Lord had us up there for a reason…while my littles were little, the separation from others helped us to focus on the children’s hearts, our ties with them, and learning to parent with the Lord, His Word, and a few good books as our teachers, and not with the influence of many other “good but not the best” distractions! May He be your fellowship during this season.
We’re in NC now, and are loving it here, but thankful our children are more grown up, thankful for the “wilderness” experience we had where we can now truly appreciate with discernment the involvement with other believers.
Homeschooling strenghtes family ties; school make them weaker.
We moved last year to a new house and we have some neighbors with children that go to public school. Almost every afternoon they are at our house calling my children out to play. Although this could be a good thing, I have to monitor this play time because slowly it can be a snare to my kids. I noticed that slowly they are becoming dependent and keep waiting on the friend to call on them. Because we have so many activities of our own they don’t get to play everyday together but I know how quickly one child can become peer dependent. I grew up peer dependent and I don’t want this for my kids.
It’s interesting too how my kids were able to perceive the parenting differences between this kid’s parents and us. My kids will often answer “Her parents don’t care!” when I ask if the parents think it’s ok for their friend to do this or that.
How would you deal with a situation like this?
I agree wholeheartedly with everything you said, yet I have a dilema and wondered how you would handle it in my situation.
When our older children were small, we lived in a neighborhood where the closest children lived a half a mile away, and as rude as it seemed, we didn’t let our children visit their home very often. The neighborhood children did, however, come to our home occaisionally and it all worked out fine. We had a great relationship with our children.
Now, our younger children are older and we live in a different neighborhood. There are several families who have children very close by and I don’t want my children to play with them very often, as they aren’t a very good influence. I still don’t let my children go to anyone’s home, but the other children come here a lot. I have been informed that there have been some things that I wouldn’t approve of (when I wasn’t looking or listening), but I don’t know how to keep other children away without hurting our non-Christian neighbor’s feelings. Their feelings have been hurt, but I think they just write me off as a weird neighbor. In spite of all this, I try to find as many opportunities to say “no” as I possibly can as they want to play all the time.
In any case, I try to limit the contact as much as possible, but it is waaaaaay more than I am comfortable with. My children can’t even go play outside in the backyard as they will be seen by their neighbors and they themselves always want to play as they constantly see their friends outside.
I know there may not be an easy answer unless we move, and hopefully, that will be sometime this year.
These are tough situations. In our neighborhood there are some children that make great playmates, and some who don’t. 99% of the time, we have the neighbor kids in OUR home or backyard where we can keep close tabs (eyes and ears) on what is going on. We’ve grown much more relaxed with the children that have proven themselves to be healthy friends. However, we simply say “no” to the inquiries of those children who are unkind, deceptive, or dishonoring. Frankly, they don’t come around anymore because they are verbally corrected here, or asked to leave when they demonstrate the inability to control themselves and show respect toward others…and they don’t like that. I’m not sure what their parents think, but if they ever asked us, we’d be honest and let them know that their children have not shown respect toward the other children, and therefore we are forced to limit contact. If they want to work with their children on proper social skills when interacting with other children and adults, we’d be happy to re-evaluate the situation at a future date. Personally, I don’t think this has to be a “Christian” issue per se. This is a “human” issue…and even some wise unbelievers are careful about what kind of children they will let their children play with. One of the reasons many children struggle with social skills is because of the weak social skill training in the schools as well as the lack of support in this type of training at home. Unfortunately the rest of the world has to deal with the fallout.
Peer influence is definitely something that as parents we should be concerned about. The Apostle Paul warned us that “bad company corrupts good character.” And while we should be dilligent about the peers that our children have, we should also recognize that often times these “unruly” children provide wonderful opportunities to share the Gospel and to guide our children to do the same. For instance, if the neighbors children take up residence in your home, take that opportunity to have a mini-VBS or bible-story time with them and yoru own children. Love on these unruly children, smile at them, and point them to Jesus. This is not to say that we should accept disrespect or destructive behavior, but I have found that most children who act in this way can be disarmed with a few minutes of personal interaction with love and joy from an adult who cares. Remember, these unruly children may not be getting this kind of “Christ-love” in their own home. Our opportunity to share it with them is a Gospel appointed mission for sure. And also, lead your own children to love these kids as Christ would. Remind your children that just as we are sinners in need of the Grace of Jesus and His redeeming work on the cross, so too, are these children sinners in need of that same Grace and forgiveness. We don’t ever want to create “phariseesim” in our chidlren by leading them to believe that we are “better” than those who act “inappropriate.” No, by God’s Grace alone we are filled with the Spirit and led to exhibit those fruits. It is not our own merit. I realize that this will be difficult on an each and every day situation, so perhaps there is a standing invitation for two days a week for 2 hours (or whatever time limit is appropritate) when these neighborhood kids are welcome to come and visit. Lovingly explain that other times during the week are just not good but that you look forward to their visit during these times. And then LOVE them with The Gospel. God’s Word never returns void. If you disciple the children of your neighborhood, God will change lives so that your neighborhood becomes a place of good peer influence for all the chidlren. AND don’t forget the ministry opportunity this would be for the parents of these children. A wonderful mission field indeed!
Thank you for pointing out that balance to this issue. It sounds like you have experience in dealing with this issue in your own neighborhood! Would you like to do a guest post for us that highlights the ways you have fleshed this out for your own family? I know many of our readers would love to read about some real life examples of what you are describing here. Just shoot me an e-mail via our contact page and we’ll get you set up!
Dianne,
As Natalie said, these are hard situations. I’m wondering if it’s possible to make it clear to the children or the parents that you welcome limited, “planned” time where the children can come and then on your terms, have some sort of structured activity where you can be present (baking cookies, crafts,etc.). This takes sacrifice on your part, but could possibly be a compromise while you are in your current situation.
I am really touched by the wonderful advice. I guess I wasn’t really looking at it that way, Amy. What wonderful insight. Thank you!
I love Amy’s idea of having set times for the neighbor kids to come over, and then making other times off limits. It seems that this would eliminate the doorbell ringing that can happen at all times of the day.
In our home, we have had a problem with neighborhood kids climbing up the 6 foot wood fence and wanting to chat with our kids over the fence. It is hard to know who is doing this and what conversations are taking place when I am not in our private backyard. I have told the kids to tell them to get down off the fence. ( Obviously, there are safety issues as well) I have thought some about the ideas mentioned above, for having them over on my terms, but I have not quite figured out how to make that sacrifice in my day since I would need to be present, and in my backyard the entire time… My other concern is that they would start to feel the freedom to climb the fence and chat when I am not out there…. but maybe I am not thinking of setting the standards high enough and the rules for them to follow. Our next-door neighbor has grandchildren that used to ring my doorbell at all kinds of weird times. They don’t even live next door, so I was not even sure how to arrange anything with them. It has only occasionally worked out for my children to play with them… Honestly, just not practical with the way my front yard is set up and the fact that I would have to keep an eye on little ones near the street.
At this stage in the game, with so many children to keep track of, I have chosen just to be extra nice to the adults in my area. I’ve also had the kids run special things to their doors at different hoilday times. I am at at stage in life where I am having a hard time just keeping up with the demands of my own home, and adding in extra stuff feels nearly impossible. We’ll see where God leads in the future..
Everyone’s situation is different, and there aren’t any black and white rules to apply here. Seek wisdom from God in His Word for your specific situation. Sometimes those troubled children have been sexually abused and can bring that into their “friendships.” That’s an extreme case, but sadly, it is a reality for some. In an effort to “love,” it is equally as important to be careful that our children do not become victims of various types of abuses…including the more common verbal-type abuse.
Children are vulnerable and need to be shielded in their formative years. It wouldn’t be loving to our OWN children to expect them to absorb profanity or suggestions to “peek” at private parts and so forth. I hate to bring these things up, but we live in a tainted world. If you have never heard of these sorts of things, you are blessed!
In our family, we have done backyard Bible clubs, hosted neighborhood BBQs, and invited children into our home for various “events” like Christmas caroling, etc. where we’ve shared the gospel. The adult people in our family (my husband and older teen-types and myself) have all worked with children and youth, some of whom have been VERY troubled, over the years. But we do not put our younger children in those types of situations as they are not equipped emotionally or spiritually to handle the problems some children have.
It’s important that we do not assume everyone’s situation to be just like our own. Perhaps one family has neighbor children of the garden variety who are simply “children” with “children” type problems. But others may be dealing with a completely different and more insidious scenario.
I think it’s GREAT to be sharing ideas here; I just don’t want anyone to feel like ideas that have worked for one family “have” to work for you as well.
Thank you for all the terrific interaction! There is a sweet community of women out there, and it is an honor to get connected!
I agree, because of experience, with Amy’s response on the ministry aspect of neighborhood children.. Here is what God did in our neighborhood: It started small, with a couple of “nice christian kids” ,and then some homeshooled friends of my daughter’s hanging out. One of the girls went to sunday school with us. Another younger girl started coming….who does not go with her parents. A boy who’s mom “gave up on God” started coming, etc. etc. It got to be so big, we were using our van and car and running out of space. The church bought a van that we keep in our driveway just for bringing kids to church on Sun night and AWANA on Wed. night . Now we are outgrowing that!
I admit I struggle with it sometimes. This past week I was praying about how I wanted our daughter, who is now a teenager, to be around more “appropriate” peers more often than these kids who are a ministry. Then her best friend invited her to a retreat with her youth group which contains mostly home-schooled kids. I think it was nice for her. So I think God is answering my prayers, even though I still struggle with this. It appears to be something he has for us to do at this time. We did not go out seeking any of this.
PS….
I posted quickly previously….I wanted to add there are issues of concern to flesh out.
1) The parents are not really involved in the church with their children. Even our close friend and neighbor who will help transport kids and likes what her kids are learning (but does not know the Lord ) does not get involved. When she comes to an event the children are present in she ALWAYS has some headache or issue that distracts her – the enemy!
2) We have youth pastor, but his wife “runs” things and she does not like to communicate with us. We should meet about things but she is now one to do that…she does things on the “fly” though she is an organized person and a school teacher. Issues are arising that need to be dealt with, but we do not have good communication with them. Plus they are “paid” and feel they are in charge, though they do not do the transporting, etc. They just organize things at church.
3.) There is an issue with the church in general, we have very little fellowship at the church. We have friends from the home-school group who go to a different church but have no friends at this church. We originally went to this church because there were no big family segregating activities. We feel obliged to stay currently because of all the kids who depend on us to bring them.
So, maybe someone has input….