Brene' Brown
Daring Greatly (Penguin Publishing Group, 2012), pgs. 51-52
Daring Greatly (Penguin Publishing Group, 2012), pgs. 51-52
If I had to choose the form of betrayal that emerged most frequently from my research and that was the most dangerous in terms of corroding the trust connection, I would say disengagement. When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing, and stop fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears— the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can’t point to the source of our pain— there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making. We may tell a disengaged partner, “You don’t seem to care anymore,” but without “evidence” of this, the response is “I’m home from work every night by six P.M. I tuck in the kids. I’m taking the boys to Little League. What do you want from me?” Or at work, we think, Why am I not getting feedback? Tell me you love it! Tell me it sucks! Just tell me something so I know you remember that I work here!
Brene’ Brown, Daring Greatly
I think I will order this book soon… I was just telling my husband that it’s easy for me to be vulnerable with him when there is total peace (in both of us), and we are in a “happy life is great today” place. But when I feel (can’t always trust our feelings but they do lead me down the wrong path too often) he is upset about something in me (even though he is not 99.9% of the time, and it’s about me & my own brokenness), I shut down. I take things personally, I think he is not listening and what I have to say is not important, and that he doesn’t understand me. I want to defend myself, to keep myself from being rejected, you know those lies that surface and then in your head you are repeating God’s Truth, & it’s such a battle sometimes, okay, most of the time when something comes up, there is that battle. Yet God is victorious! I have gotten freedom in many areas of my life, this is the area that keeps staring at me during this season of growth. I am walking through the path of healing in this area, learning God’s Truth, not just in my head, but deep down in the core of where it counts, where it changes us and makes us not react the same way as we always have. Be careful what you pray for Ladies, if you pray to not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but to repay those things with blessings, so you that will be blessed (1 Peter 3) it doesn’t happen automatically. The Lord either puts us in or allows a situation where we get to chose to walk this out. This morning was the answer to my prayer. After some “some major crying in a fetal position” time with the Lord last week, today some more of God’s Truth shined through, in the moment. It was messy and we were both not perfect, but God is so faithful to love us so much that He won’t leave us where we are. When my husband said the word vulnerable today as we were talking through things, God really highlighted to me where I am at. I am afraid to be vulnerable when I am struggling in my fear, pride, anger, confusion. Not being vulnerable is a way for me to self protect – except it doesn’t work. My very wise husband said “God wants you to learn to be tough while being vulnerable”. I won’t say what I usually am, that’s a bit too much vulnerability for me today, but by His grace I am getting there. Can’t wait to read her book! Thanks Natalie for your blog and for sharing your heart. Enjoy your weekend!
It sounds like we are on a similar journey, Paula. Hugs! XOXOX