By Contributing Writer, Bambi Moore
Courtship is a hot topic among many parents and rightly so. The whole 20th century experiment of dating around to find a mate has miserably failed. All those lovely engaged couples you see in the newspaper? Just go ahead and rip over half of them down the middle. They may remarry but the 2nd marriage statistics are even worse. There is not a single one of us reading this article that hasn’t been touched by divorce.
We can imagine Satan slapping his thighs in laughter. “They fell for it! They actually believe that going to movies together and “hanging out” is a good way to choose a mate. It’s too rich!”
Many have said that modern dating is nothing more than divorce practice–breaking up when this or that doesn’t suit you, moving on to someone else; giving away pieces of your heart (or more) each time. Parents falsely believe their teens are mature enough to maneuver the emotional webs of relationships, before they are responsible enough to keep their room clean.
And the physical temptations? We expect our teens to be stronger and wiser than many godly men of the Bible who sinned sexually (think David, Solomon, Samson). We believe we are insulting our young adults if we say by our interference, “We don’t trust your judgment.” Can we pull out those divorce statistics again, please? The dating tradition was never meant to be anything but entertainment gratification, not a means of establishing a life-long covenant relationship.
Many parents are now teaching their children to think through the philosophies of the world and not simply absorb them without a thought (Col. 2:8). However, for most of us courtship is a new idea.
What’s the Difference?
Motive. Dating is for fun and recreation. Courtship is for discerning the husband/wife that God has chosen for you since before you were born. While modern dating is flippant and carefree, a courtship is not taken lightly.
If a courtship is begun it is because the young people, and their parents and/or older, wiser people believe this could be a match for marriage. The young person is submitted to the Lord and his/her parents, and values their guidance in this matter–the most important decision of their lives. In short, courtship requires trust, humility and great maturity on the part of the young person. The young person has spiritual understanding that perceives:
“The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;who can understand it?” (Jer. 17:9)and
”Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety“ (Prov. 11:14)
How Is Courtship Done?
Good question. Most everyone can agree on the why, but the practicalities of it differ from family to family; even from child to child within the same family. God has given us Biblical principles for relationships, but we don’t have a specific recipe there for how to carry out a courtship. There are usually some commonalities, but this article isn’t about the how. It’s about preparing during childhood for this very serious time.
Rejecting the Trends
Since about age two we have taught our children to reject the modern “he likes, she likes” games that hurt and wound from elementary school onward. Rejection hurts no matter the age, and ”Love American Style leaves wounds that don’t heal easily. If we allow these emotional games at such a young age, we are forming a pattern that is hard to break. Our little ones learn early to look to shallow, superficial relationships to satisfy their needs and desires. The Lord Jesus is the only One who will satisfy our souls.
Preparing
In order for young adults to reject what they see the rest of the world doing, we must live before them a beautiful marriage that they would want to emulate. Is your marriage loving, passionate and enviable to others? Is there visible romance and a joy that is uncontained? If not, why would they believe what you have to teach them about marriage?
If we have a joyless marriage and worse, feed our children a steady diet of Hollywood and romance novels, why would we be surprised if they seek the world’s definition of love and how to get it?
We also prepare them by training their “choosers”. For boys that means we train them, long before they reach the teen years, to be disgusted by a girl who flaunts her body. We teach him that no matter if her immodesty appeals to his flesh and carnal desires, if he chooses her, she will soon not just be “his”–but his problem. We owe it to him to train his will to recognize, prefer and value a virtuous woman.
We also train a boy, that even though he may have that manly instinct to go out and choose the girl he wants, there is another guy who has authority over her right now–her father. Therefore he must be willing to submit to the girl’s father and his preferences for when and how the two of them may spend time together.
Preparing a daughter for this time in her life requires investment from both parents long before her desire for romance begins. Her parents, especially daddy, invests in her from day one so that she has no doubt that she is so loved and prized, there would be nothing withheld from her that wasn’t for her good. We must have such a selfless interest in her that she would never doubt that only her best welfare is in mind.
A sixteen year old who gladly submits to her parents in the area of relationships is the same daughter who learned when she was 2 (and 4 and 5 and 9) to love our guidance and protection.
We also train daughters to learn a modesty that does not attract the wrong men for the wrong reasons. One of the successful lies of feminism has convinced women that displaying their bodies gives them power over men, when in reality, it degrades women, and reduces them to pieces of meat and not persons.
Lastly, we train our children to highly prize marriage as the beautiful, profound mystery that it is. We remind them often, to love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul and strength, thereby being shaped by the Lord into a person someone else will want to marry. We must not make the mistake of letting their focus be outward and not inward.
Our oldest child being only 16, we’re not experts. Merely a couple who have read the Word and a book or fifty about courtship. We’ve also seen the results of both methods for choosing a mate: trying out different ones to see what you like, versus trusting the Lord to guide through the counsel of older, wiser people with a decision that comes second only to our salvation. There’s no comparison.
Hope
Sadly, many of us don’t even consider the detriment of dating until our children have already begun it. However, we are never without hope.
Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear him, on those who hope in his steadfast love Psalm 33:18
Begin praying for a change of heart in your young person. And remember that God has worked in many marriages that should have been doomed to failure (my beloved and I being just one), yet He has been glorified as the couple matures and submits to His plan for Biblical roles in marriage. Our God is the God of grace! He is sometimes pleased to work in our relationships, no matter how hard we try to mess them up, or what a rocky beginning they had.
About Bambi Moore
Thanks for this article, this is so true! I am 26 and still single and trying desperately to get my mom involved in the courtship process but she wants to have nothing to do with it, she firmly believes in modern “dating”. It is so difficult for me to go about creating a Godly relationship without the support of my parents and culture. May God bless those parents who are focusing their efforts not on following the paths of the secular world but on God’s principles and teachings.
Evangelical Christians have one of the highest divorce rate of any religious group. Thus, courtship often fails to produce a lasting marriage. I enjoyed your post but wondered what you thought of these facts.
Bambi, you may want to address this question too, but my thought would be that I know very few Christians who follow any kind of courtship model. I’d say 98% of the Christians I know (I grew up in a Christian home and church, went to a Christian college, taught in a Christian school and have been involved in ministry my whole life…so I know a few Christians) follow the dating model. Maybe if more of them thought outside the box and tried some creative and biblical alternatives…like courtship…there would be more lasting marriages built on something a little more substantial? Just a thought…
Kathryn–Pray for your mom
You probably already do, but courtship is a *new* idea for most of us. We just don’t know any better and for some, courtship seems so archaic.
Right now, my husband and I are involved in a courtship (boy, that’s a broad term!) for a couple whose parents aren’t involved as much as they would like. Perhaps there are other wiser, older adults that can be asked to be involved, especially elders in a church if you have one? I admire you and pray the Lord blesses you for your stand on not partaking in modern dating.
Also, you mentioned “still single”. Dear Sister, singleness is not second-class. It’s God’s plan for your life to be single at 26 (as if that’s old?!). I encourage you to be patient and strive for contentment in the Lord
Can be difficult some days, I’m sure. Praying for you–Bambi
Hi Janice–What I think of these sad statistics is that they are the result of modern dating. Hence, courtship is a wiser approach to discerning God’s will in a mate.
I am sure there are some marriages that began with courtship yet ended in divorce. Courtship does not guarantee a couple will not get divorced. However, the Bible does gives us principles in how men and women are to relate to eachother, and move toward marriage in purity.
Thanks! Bambi
Bambi: “I am sure there are some marriages that began with courtship yet ended in divorce. Courtship does not guarantee a couple will not get divorced. ”
Me: GREAT POINT! We are all, every one of us, fallen sinful folks. We struggle and stumble along through life…and no one person/family is going to get it “right”. This doesn’t mean we give up, throw out God’s Word, and resort to swimming downstream with all the other fish. Throwing out babies with bath water is an emotional, pendulum swinging, Wemmick response. It’s one of the main reasons I love the Word of God. God is stable. His Word is pure and trustworthy. It is a ROCK. If I’m having issues and finding myself on shaky ground with yucky consequences…it isn’t because the ROCK under me is crumbling. It’s because I’m shortsightedly building some part of my life in the sandbox. I am constantly in need of repentance. I am constantly in need of “correcting” the steering wheel of my life. Constantly…as in many times a day. What a gracious God we have.
I loved this article. Thank you for it. I’m 23 and still looking and praying for my future husband. I feel a calling to be a housewife but I know that the modern dating model will never work for me. Not too sure if my parents would agree with the courtship idea or not but then again I’ve never really asked either.
Thanks for this article. Its a muched needed one right now in our society.
Gretchen, I had never heard of courtship 22 years ago when I was single and waiting on God. But I came to the end of my rope with dating…and decided to trust the Lord to bring me the spouse He had planned for me. After watching the dating model destroy my heart and the lives of Christian brothers over and over…I brokenly decided to reject the dating model. I met my husband a year later while on staff with a campus ministry. We became best friends…and a year after working together discipling college students, Joe told me he loved me and asked if I would consider marrying him. No dating occurred until after we had already established a friendship and realized God was bringing us together for a lifetime. We “dated” after that…but we were technically engaged. I don’t know what you “label” that. But it was how God did it in our lives…and no parents were involved. I was 25 and my husband was 30 when we got married. : ) Have hope…even when parents are unsure of what direction to take or how to help us navigate these things…God is VERY sure. And we can completely trust Him with the timing…the logistics…and the outcome…IF we are faithful to Him and seeking His wisdom daily through His Word.
I didn’t traditionally date but I didn’t court either. I meant my hubby at 15 and we began dating shortly after. Obviously, I would never recommend this but we did have a success story. We got married when I was 18 and are still blissfully married (I’m now 21). I wish more people would do the courting process. At 15, I would have vehemently disagreed but now looking back I wish I had. Thanks for this informative perspective Bambi!
I really appreciate this post. We have three very young children but have already begun talking about courtship as our family’s approach. Neither of us experienced it, and I didn’t even know about it until a few years ago. I especially appreciate the insights you provided about preparing the youngest of children for courtship. Thanks!
One area of courtship not mentioned in the article is the young man’s relationship with his parents. In this article it is assumed the young man has “permission” from his parents to pursue a relationship. It is not always the case. The family of a young lady should not accept the attentions of a young man unless the young man’s parents are in agreement. The young man may appear to be ready for the responsibility of marriage but his parents may have cautions that need to be heeded. The young lady need to realize she needs to submit to her parents first if possible ( I acknowledge that some parents are unavailable through death, abandonment, or just plain not interested) and then his ( again, assuming they want to be involved). Most young couples forget that they are not the only people involved in courtship or marriage.
Great points. Thanks for sharing them.
I am saddened at the normalcy of dating among young children. Recently, a young 13/14 year old told me he “broke up” with his girlfriend and was sad. I said “You are not old enough to be going through that yet.” Other people talk about past boyfriends, first kisses with other boys, and I don’t have that.
As though I am raising my children I am uncertain about how to navigate all this and struggle to find clarity in-between arranged marriages, Mennonite/Amish courting, simply getting engaged, and other people’s ideas.
Sometimes a father cannot be involved as well, death, disability or other instances where they show a lack of interest. I think then a young person should really seek God about her/his mate. I know girls whose parents did not care, but when they were asked out on a date, said “I don’t date. I want to have only a relationship with the man I will marry.”
They did activities where there was families with young people, and got to know each other and then when they realized through talking as groups, never alone, they saw they had lots in common and with prayer, they felt they would think about marriage.
I think this is where something goes wrong sometimes. Sometimes, you get to know them more and find out they are not compatible, I think that there needs to be a breaking up still sometimes. I know that some girls feel scared to do this, and we do have some unhappy marriages, and they don’t believe in divorce.
You girls who don’t have parents interested, seek the Lord, He can be there for you.
I think you are absolutely right. God never fails…though people do. And I agree that there are times even a “courtship” needs to end before it culminates in a marriage. Marriage is forever. I was “engaged” to a man before I met my husband. It was one of the worst experiences of my life to break off that commitment…but I realized I did not love him and respect him the way I needed to. It was better to break up before the wedding…than to live in sorrow the rest of my life. This is a very sticky topic. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Excellent post! Courtship is one of those topics you can never fit everything into. You could go on and on. There is not really a standard for courtship. I believe every family is different in the methods they use.
I am extremely blessed to have both of my parents in agreement on courtship. Though I have not gone through a courtship, many of my friends have and every marriage through that has been a beautiful, pure picture of Christ.