Discipling Teens in God-Glorifying Relationships

By Contributing Writer, Molly Evert

As Christian parents, we recognize that our sovereign, loving God placed our children in our care with the Great Commission charge to make disciples of them.

When they hit the teen years, our children start to face challenges in their relationships with the opposite sex that our spiritual enemy will endeavor to use against them.

During these often turbulent teen years, the challenge of discipleship is to walk with our kids so that they start to love what God loves, hate what He hates, and live to glorify Him in all aspects of life.

Our ongoing discipleship involves training our teens in a variety of relational principles:

The Principle of Maturity

“Therefore leaving the elementary teaching about the Christ, let us press on to maturity…” (Hebrews 6:1 NASB)

“But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil.” (Hebrews 5:14 NASB)

As wonderful as our children are, they require time to grow in Christ. If they are not nearly ready for marriage, they should wait until they are before pursuing a romantic relationship.  What they value in the opposite sex also needs to mature. The world is working in all the wrong ways on our children, trying to pervert their views of the opposite sex and of what is important in a mate. They will not be truly ready for pursuing a lifelong marriage relationship until they prize the things that God prizes in His children.

We must teach them what any child can learn from venturing into the orchard too early—that fruit picked before it is ripe is bitter. Let our children learn this lesson from us and not from painful experience.

The Principle of Brother-Sister Relationships

The New Testament letters to the Church refer frequently to men as brothers and women as sisters. This isn’t to say that friendship between believers is not important, but it illustrates that the primary and fundamental aspect of all relationships in the family of God is the brother/sister relationship.  No matter how we feel about one another, we are a family in Christ and must act as such.

A brother/sister relationship in the church could also become a relationship illustrating Christ and the Church (i.e. marriage) when our teens reach adulthood.  But for now, my teenage sons are to treat “older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity” (1 Timothy 5:2).

The Principle of Seasons

“He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers (Psalm 1:3 NASB).”

Sowing, growing, and reaping are all done at the appropriate times.  Our teens are in the “springtime” of life, whether they want to admit it or not.  They need to sink their roots deep into the Gospel before they will do a future spouse any good.  They cannot speed up the clock even if they want to, yet they need not worry.  Summer will come upon them in time.

The Principle of Doing Unto Others as We Wish They Would Do to Us

“Treat others the same way you want them to treat you (Luke 6:31 NASB).”

This principle has broad applications and relates to modesty, purity, and self control.  The other teens in your child’s life have real feelings, and what your teen does and says has an impact on them—probably greater than they realize. Our children can tend to be self-focused, and when we tell them to guard their own hearts, our next words should be to encourage them to act in a way that allows their brother/sister in the Lord to guard theirs.  Our children must guard their behavior lest they act in a way (whether intentionally or unintentionally) that captures the heart of another prematurely.

Relationships are often perceived differently by guys and girls. This post from the Council of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood illustrates this as it looks at the question “can guys and girls be just friends?”  Turns out, it depends on what you mean by “friends” and on whether you are asking the guys—or the girls!  Our teens may unintentionally send or receive the wrong signals if they don’t understand fundamental differences in how guys and girls tend to perceive relational cues (hugging, initiation of communication, seeking time together, compliments, etc.).

We all exist for the glory of God.  Friends do not exist to make us feel good.  We need to teach our teens to show respect toward the opposite sex by maintaining themselves with all care and diligence.

The Principle of Like-Mindedness

“Make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.” (Philippians 2:2 NASB)

When our teens learn to prize and prioritize the same things as our Lord it will affect which companions they choose to journey through life with.  After all, should they marry, they will journey toward glory with someone, and that person might be a part of their life even now.

Therefore, questions should be asked, particularly about those companions that surround them during these crucial years of growing in discernment.

Is your teen journeying with companions that are beneficial for their spiritual growth and maturity—or with those who hinder it? Are their close companions supportive of the values, theology, and worldview that you as a parent believe and which you have toiled with many prayers and tears to impart to your child?

We need to be able to answer “Yes!” to these questions when it comes to our teens’ friends.  This is even more important when it comes to their friendships with the opposite sex, because an ill-chosen friendship could lead to an unwise marriage.  Enjoying the close company of those who are not like-minded is to play with fire.

As we seek to live entirely for God’s glory and disciple our teens to do the same, we must encourage them to place all their hope in Christ during these stormy years and beyond. This is, after all, the only friend they have from whom they shall never spend a moment parted.  Remember that He is all-wise and has ordained every day of their lives.

And He loves them far better than we do!

What relationship principles are you trying to impart to your teens?