Coping with the Loss of a Parent
By Contributing Writer, Brandy Ferguson
Oh how I dreaded to write this. Because most days, it’s easier to just push the thoughts back. Away from the surface. Shhhhhh…..I don’t have time to hurt right now, I say to myself.
Things to do. Children to tend to. Errands to run. A baby is coming.
A baby is coming.
And she won’t be here to see him. He will never know her.
I pass by the bathroom mirror and I do a double-take as I see her. I mean I REALLY see her. Because the older I get, the more and more I look like her. I am aging the same way she did. My face and hair are doing the same things that I watched her face and hair do as she got older.
I pass a drink to my son, or pick up a pen, or hold out my hand to help someone up and I see her hands. They are her hands.
I hear her laugh sometimes when I let out a big, hearty laugh of my own. I learned how to laugh from her.
And I feel myself making the same expressions she did, hear myself saying the same things she said, and looking at my kids in that same special way she looked at me.
And all of it….all of that….is a constant reminder that she. is. no. longer. here. She’s gone.
Sometimes the pain of all these reminders is more than I want to handle. But some days, I have to smile and be grateful that I have such vivid reminders of who this great woman was in my life.
I lost her too soon. I am in no way healed from losing her less than two years ago. I will grieve for my mother for the rest of my life, I suppose. That’s what they say, anyway.
So I don’t have a cute little list. Or a five steps to this or that about how to not be depressed when you lose your mom. There is no magic solution to lessening the pain of losing a parent. But I’ve learned a couple of things in my grieving for my mother.
One is to let myself feel. Sometimes I am angry. Angry that she’s gone. Sometimes I am sick. Sick that I can’t ever ever ever see her again. And most days, I’m just sad. Sad that I can’t hug her, can’t call her. Can’t fix her. She’s gone.
The other thing I’ve learned is that time somehow does help. I once heard it said that time doesn’t heal, but as time passes, you simply learn how to cope without the person that you lost. And it’s true. The wound isn’t so fresh anymore. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t still need attention or that I don’t need to be careful around it, but it’s begun to close up some, in a sense.
It’s night, and I allow the thoughts of her to float back into my consciousness. A tear falls, or maybe I completely break down and sob.
I awake in the wee hours of the morning, and it’s to the sound of my mother’s voice, clearly singing the old hymn that I haven’t heard in over 25 years. The memory of her standing there, tears streaming down as she sang, is so vivid in my mind. God is good to remind me. To comfort me.
There is coming a day,
When no heart aches shall come,
No more clouds in the sky,
No more tears to dim the eye,
All is peace forever more,
On that happy golden shore,
What a day, glorious day that will be.What a day that will be,
When my Jesus I shall see,
And I look upon His face,
The One who saved me by His grace;
When He takes me by the hand,
And leads me through the Promised Land,
What a day, glorious day that will be.There’ll be no sorrow there,
No more burdens to bear,
No more sickness, no pain,
No more parting over there;
And forever I will be,
With the One who died for me,
What a day, glorious day that will be.What a day that will be,
When my Jesus I shall see,
And I look upon His face,
The One who saved me by His grace;
When He takes me by the hand,
And leads me through the Promised Land,
What a day, glorious day that will be.
A baby is coming. And she won’t be here to greet him. This is our first baby that I didn’t even get to tell her we were expecting.
I’ll miss my Mama even more when the baby arrives. But I’ll be okay. Because I know where she is – at home with our Heavenly Father – and there’s so much peace in that.
I’ll get to see her again someday. And she’ll get to see this baby, too.
Yes, a glorious day that will be.
What about YOU? How have you coped with the loss of your parent?
Tags: loss of parent
Dear Brandy, your sweet post had me in tears this morning. My father died in August 2010 and I can understand a lot of what you are experiencing. I miss my dad so, so much, although it is true that time softens the wound and you reach a point after a while where you suddenly realize you didn’t think about your loss for every second that day, which is bittersweet. I have found that without my earthly father here, God is teaching me to trust Him more and more for protection, guidance, and His love- a blessing that I never dreamed I would experience. I take such joy in knowing that my dad is in such a better place and free from pain, and I am so, so grateful that God has graciously given us the opportunity to one day be reunited with our loved ones in paradise!
You mourn like David in Psalm 25 — real about the pain and hoping in God. I love how you wrote about finding similarities to your mother in yourself. My nails have ridges like my mother’s nails and when I have coffee or tea I always feel I must have a little something with it — an unquestioned tradition in my mother’s kitchen.
Brandy,
Thank you for sharing that post. It is never easy losing someone we love. Time helps but He is our Comforter and Hope. He is what helps the most. He is our Helper, our Father and Friend. God bless you and your family.
Brandy,
Your sweet post also had me in tears this morning as I sit here and read and think that my mom will be gone a year March 31st. I’ve heard that time helps to ease the pain a little and I have such great memories to reflect on. I sometimes wonder how i’ve made it this long without her. I miss her so much everyday. Everyone says that i look so much like her and that she would be so proud of who I am today and that is such a compliment. I know how she felt because there were no words left unsaid, and I hold that very close to my heart. I am getting married May 19th and plan to have a baby one day. It makes me sad to know that she won’t physically be with me, but it also makes me smile to know that she will have the best seat in the house to watch over me the rest of my life. Thank you for the post
Brandy, I am sorry that your mother is no longer here on earth. Those “big events” in life do have a void. It is a mercy that your mother was a believer and that you have comfort in knowing you will have eternity with her. Not that it makes the grief any less…just that there is a measure of joy, mixed with the pain, knowing that she’s in heaven.
My situation with the loss of my father is the opposite. He died very suddenly when I was 20 and he was 47, and we have no assurance of his salvation. In fact, many things point to his not having received Christ prior to death. The same situation is for my father-in-law, who died suddenly over 2 years ago.
The Lord gave both men an opportunity (or several) to receive His free gift of salvation. He sovereignly knew all the circumstances of their deaths. Ultimately, it comes down to me trusting the Lord and His goodness with what has been ordained. Very easy to say, less easy to live sometimes. But still, God is good.
Brandy,
Oh how I understand your pain. My wonderful step dad passed away 4 days before Christmas. I, too, am expecting another baby. I mourn the fact that my baby will never get to know this wonderful man. I really don’t have any words of encouragement. I just wanted to thank you for sharing that post, it really touched my heart.
I lost both my parents just over 3 years ago this past Thanksgiving (my dad) and Dec 29 (my mom). I’m going to be having the 2nd baby they didn’t know, our 3rd. It breaks my heart still. They were the most amazing people I’ve ever known, and I’m not just saying that because they’re gone, I thought it when they were here too.
I think you’re right, that you never really get over it, but more or less get used to it. I have likened to losing a limb–you may never be an Olympic athlete again, but you will probably get used to walking, and maybe running. But instead of losing a limb, we have lost parts of our hearts, haven’t we?
My parents were the example of suffering with joy and confidence in God. How I want to live up to their examples!!! Thanks for your post.
Brandy, I know your pain. There is never hardly a passing momemt that I do not think of “our” Mother, your grandmother, It is still very hard for me to go to the cemetery but peple stlll die and I have to go to the burial at the cemetery.
And though we must go on I don’t think the memory will ever fade for when they are a memory they are a treasure still.
Love you, be safe.
Suzie
Thank you for your post! I lost my mother 5 months ago. It has been the hardest thing I ever been through. I am expecting my 5th baby in just 2 months. It breaks my heart to know Mom will never know her granddaughter. She knew I was expecting and was so excited. She always told me I could have a dozen and she would love them and what a blessing from God they are. Mom was taken from us way too soon. The pain is almost more than I can bare most days. I feel like I’m getting a grip on it, just to turn around and loose it all over again. I see my kids and realize how much they have grown and changed since she left, and it crushes me. I was holding her hand when she left with life with us, and I relive that over and over. There was nothing I could do to change what happened, and I feel I let her down. But she was tired and was ready, but sad to leave her kids and grandkids. We got to say goodbye and share a few more precious moments together, which I am ever so thankful for.
I think we learn to cope a little everyday. The pain and missing her will never completely go a way. But we learn to live in our ”new norma.l”
I cried as I read this as I too lost my mother to cancer a little over a year ago.And it hurts.Someone said time does not heal, God heals. Grief is a journey that I believe does not end until we get to heaven!
In 2 weeks time, it will be the second anniversary of my mother’s death. I knew she was sick when my youngest was born because she just wasn’t herself & she died before my baby turned 6 months. Sometimes I am so angry because she was so young & I feel like I was robbed, robbed of time with her & my daughter’s robbed of their grandmother. I haven’t had another baby yet but I plan on having more. Part of me dreads not being able to ring her to tell her that her new grandbaby is here. Even now when my 2 year old does something funny, as 2 year olds often do, I find myself picking up the phone. Like you, I have my faith & that’s what keeps me strong. I know I will see her again. I will be thinking of you when you are having your new little boy.