Connecting With The Hearts of Our Daughters

My four daughters! Aimee, Stephanie, Katie and Jennie

My two oldest children are boys…17 and 15. On March 25, 2000, God gave me a daughter who is now 11 years old! While my sons are a wonderful asset to our family, there is something really wonderful about having an older daughter right there to help out with all kinds of things. Daughters seem to have a better knack for being able to care for younger children, sensing when mama needs a break, wanting to help out in big and little ways, desiring to have conversation that goes beyond one liners, etc.

But it can be easy to fall into the trap of using them to help us meet the daily demands of life without appreciating them and connecting with their hearts in a meaningful way.

Here are some ways we can connect with our older daughters so that they know that we are grateful for their help, don’t take them for granted, and desire to know their hearts…not just use their services. We want to be close friends one day when they are adults. We need to cultivate those relationships now, while they are still in our home as our children.

Say “thank you” every time you see them doing something helpful. Even the chores they are supposed to be doing…show gratitude and praise them for their efforts! It’s tempting to think, “well, they aren’t going to get thanked for everything when they are all grown up…so they should get used to doing work without getting attention for it all the time.” That may be true. But why set a bad example just because others may not treat her with honor and gratitude one day? You want her to grow up treating others with respect…so model that for her! Let her know that she needs to do her work “as unto the Lord and not for men”, but that you admire her desire to help and are grateful for her loving efforts! She will blossom under your praise!

Spend time with her separately from the other children. Do special things with your daughter to show that you are working “together” to help make your household run smoothly! Your hearts will be knit together as you have a cup of tea together, curl up with a book on your bed, run an errand together, work on a sewing project, etc. Do not worry about “not being fair” to the younger children! Their time will come! If you have more than one older daughter…then do it with both or all of them! It’s “girl’s night out”…and go out for nachos or something! Let them know you are “in this together”…and that you love to just be with them because they are special to you!

Do something to help her! Do they want to learn how to do something new? Carve out time to help her with the things that she is interested in! This can be hard to do if you are busy…but it will pay in large dividends as it speaks volumes to your daughter of your love and interest in her life. She will be more excited to help you…as you show interest in serving her too.

Don’t treat her like a Cinderella. You should be able to train her in many of the same tasks you do…including the cooking as she gets older. But don’t over do it! If you put too much on her too soon, she may sense that she is being “used” rather than being lovingly trained. If you cultivate that desire and feeling of camaraderie in the necessary tasks of the day, she will enjoy the work so much more than if you bark orders all day long because you need her to get YOU through the day. Remember that she is your daughter, not your paid servant.

Smile! Smile at her every chance you get. And give her shoulder a little squeeze when you walk by. Let the light of your countenance be an encouraging motivation in her little world. A crabby frown makes for a miserable family.

Verbally bless her. I try once a day to give a blessing. I say something like, “May the Lord bless you, Aimee, and keep you and cause His face to shine upon you and give you peace. May He raise you up to treasure Jesus Christ above all things, and may you grow to become a virtuous and godly woman who bring the Name of Christ glory and honor all the days of your life and for all eternity. In the Name of Jesus I give you this blessing. Amen.”

I really believe that as you seek to reach the heart of your daughters, that they will automatically respond with love and a commitment to you that will last a life time.