Busy Moms Get Real: “I Can’t Get it All Done!”
By Contributing Writer, Kelly Crawford
“Remember the principle of gardening: a lot of sweat and tears are required before the reward of harvest. It’s the same with mothering.”
A reader sent me an email that is not unlike many that I receive, so I decided to include an excerpt and answer it here in a post. I know we all struggle with many of the same things, so I hope to encourage you in the trenches.
And, dear friend who sent the letter, I replied to you, but the email delivery failed. I hope you don’t mind my posting your question here, the only way I could answer it, without your name, changing a few details for anonymity’s sake.
A mother writes:
“I have 6 children – 3 who are homeschooled and 3 little ones (1 of those we do some preschool type things with, but not a lot). Here is the problem I have: I can’t seem to get it done. We start school and generally just do the basics, and school goes on all day long. There are lots of starts and stops to my time with the small children, but it is draining to continue on with school that long.
Then, with school lasting so long, I struggle with the household chores. I’ve become very disorganized because I just don’t have the time. It hasn’t always been like this, but I am failing somewhere, and I’m looking for some/any guidance. It has become overwhelming, and while we want to continue homeschooling, I am ready to give up.
Maybe it just comes down to too high of expectations on my part….I really feel like a failure.”
Dear Mother,
You are NOT a failure. It is important to remember that our enemy wants you to believe that. He wants you to give up, to be overwhelmed; he wants to destroy your optimism and ultimately your family. But here’s the good news: “Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world.”
AND—we have to keep revisiting our long-term vision—keep perspective. The academic advantage is only one reason why we homeschool. Imparting our family’s values and worldviews, tying bonds of fellowship, nurturing relationships, building character—there are a myriad of other reasons that should encourage us to dig our heels in. That’s our starting point. Now take a deep breath, and let’s get practical…
Almost everything I would tell you involves simplifying. Everyone’s life is unique and varied; but most of us could stand to simplify.
Stuff
The more I live, the more I believe this one thing is slipping from our hands as Americans, but is vital to our success as families: we MUST be deliberate about simplifying our lives in every way possible.
Less is almost always more.
The more we own and the more we do—the more we owe and the less we have left to give each other, to invest in our relationships and practical, important things like sitting around the table at night enjoying a meal together.
Take inventory and look hard. Pare down, starting with clothes in your closet. Clean out drawers, under beds, pots and pans, dishes, and cabinets. You will feel lighter the more you purge. Take a weekend or two and get the whole family involved. It’s much better to enjoy owning fewer things you really love than owning a passel of so-so things that demand your precious time to keep them, organize them, clean them, and maintain them.
Activities
Busy moms can’t be all they need to be with too many extras. The same simplicity principle applies here. A few activities can enrich your life. Too many will suck it out of you.
Meals
Meals can become much less stressful with a little planning and forethought. The crock pot is your best friend. Find some great recipes (there are a gazillion crock pot recipe sites) and get supper started in the morning. Making double batches of meals. Freezing one for a busy night is another great way to give yourself some relief. It takes virtually the same amount of time and cleaning as one meal.
Household chores
- Get as much off counter tops/tables, etc. as possible–it will be easier to clean surfaces.
- Designate “clutter patrol” about twice a day, and get everyone to do a quick pick up. Very little ones can help a lot with this and even think it’s fun.
- Keep a “give it away” bag handy to toss things. As soon as it is full, put it in the car to drop off.
- Consider designating one day for thorough cleaning. We do this on Fridays because moods are more cheerful since it is “movie night.” I also only require reading on Fridays and let them off from textbook work (we “school” year ’round). This is also the night we try to have people over—extra motivation for the cleaning.
- Spray sinks and toilets with a bleach/water combination for a quick, clean feeling.
- Train your children to avoid putting clean clothes into the laundry hamper. Clothes can usually be worn several days before washing, especially during the winter.
- Encourage everyone (and model it yourself) to keep clutter at bay by carrying at least one object closer to its destination each time you go to a different room.
- Keep baskets to catch clutter. Baskets in the living room can catch quickly-tossed toys; baskets at the entrance can hold shoes; keep baskets handy for those items that seem to be used a lot but make a mess and need to stay close.
Homeschooling
Before we even address strategies, make sure basic obedience/character issues are being addressed. If there are problems with bad attitudes or disrespect toward Mom, the school routine needs to be laid aside until these foundational problems are solved.
After that, thesecret, I think, is laying aside pressures and expectations, honing in on YOUR family’s definition and goals for education, and working from there. Relax. Multiple research findings conclude that a good education is encapsulated into “being literate, numerate, and having the ability to reason.”
This does not require hours of formal instruction, but rather a casual lifestyle that facilitates a constant thirst for knowledge. Good conversation with parents in tune to asking questions and probing their children to think is more than most students get in an average day.
The importance of providing enough space for creative exploration, problem-solving, and hands-on learning cannot be underestimated. Small chunks of instruction—a 15-minute lesson on the concept of multiplying or telling time, or a brief overview of how weather works can be far more beneficial than two hours worth of worksheets.
“Teaching” is going on all the time. Don’t become a slave to a textbook or curriculum; use them as tools, not tyrants. (I have taught 5 children to read by phonics with no formal curriculum.) Bath time, driving time, walking together—day or night—all hours of the day provide opportunities for teaching, especially teaching little ones. As they get older, self-directed study becomes more natural because their appetites for learning have been whetted.
Extra Tips for Finding More Time
- Don’t answer the telephone before noon. This has potential to revolutionize your life.
- Multi-task. Have a child do some of his reading to you while you feed or bathe the baby, meal plan in the car, read to the children during breakfast or lunch, etc.
- Dictate a grocery list to a child while you drive (added spelling lesson bonus).
- Remember to delegate chores; taking the extra time to teach little ones to help keep order is well worth it. A two-year-old can be expected to put his dirty clothes in the hamper, put shoes where they go, pick up toys and other similar chores with occasional reminders.
Some overwhelmed moms may need a “mommy helper.” In a day where grandmothers, aunts and sisters aren’t as readily available (or willing) to help a young mother, she should not feel ashamed if she needs an extra pair of hands. If you don’t have a community of support, you may consider hiring someone to help with basic chores, running errands, etc.
More than anything, keep it in perspective. Even the busiest, most exhausting days are fleeting. Keep a clean home but don’t obsess if it isn’t like you would prefer. Teach your children to be orderly, but remember they are children. Enjoy them, capitalize on the wonders of the curious years, and find as many ways as you can to simply enjoy life—and the children in it— where you are. Remember the principle of gardening: a lot of sweat and tears are required before the reward of harvest. It’s the same with mothering.
(And don’t forget to run barefoot in the sunshine every now and then ;-))
Tags: homemaking, time management
Ahhh, I have four children under the age of four and am just beginning our homeschooling journey, and that was EXACTLY what I needed to hear today! Thank you for the encouragement! And thank you, also, for all the timesaving tips!
So glad it blessed you, Holly!
I must find a Mother’s Helper. I desperately need one.
Thank you for this post. I have 5 kiddos (6.5 yrs, 5 yrs, almost 4 yrs, 22 months and 3 months), and we homeschool our two oldest. I constantly struggle with finding time. I have finally accepted that while our youngest is still waking at night to nurse, I can’t expect to be at my best during the day.
Once I can let go of the unreasonable expectations, things run much more smoothly around here. I have also found that I will never make everyone happy with regard to OUR homeschool. Their expectations shouldn’t even matter to me! My goal should be to serve my family as God has asked me. Thanks for the awesome reminder and great tips! God Bless!
I also am a homeschooling mother and two resources that I have really appreciated are Titus2.com and Flylady.net. TheTitus resource is by a mother of 8 and their materials helped me enormously. The FlyLaddy has taught me how to slowly work into routines that make daily housework far easier. Don’t be discouraged and know God can give you direction. What you are doing is GOOD!
May the Lord bless you!
Lara –
Thanks so much for those links! I just looked over them briefly..but I will be checking them out even better because I see TONS of stuff that can be useful for me & my family!
Blessings!
An excellent post! If anyone is having a hard time knowing where to begin, there are a few things that have helped me tremendously…1) Sit in each room of the house, look around at what things you want in that room and remove the rest. This is akin to cleaning…go from the least messy room to the messiest room and you will have much more done overall. This is a good way to start simplifying. 2) Take all the toys and put them into bins and rotate in a different bin each week. It keeps the amount of toys to a minimum and it rotates toys to keep them “fresh” and inviting. It encourages more creativity and helps to keep you from buying more…and all the toys go back into the bin…easy cleanup! 3) Before you sit down to help with school or some other “seated” work, throw the laundry into the washer or dryer and the dishes into the dish washer (or the sink that is full of nice hot sudsie water) making your mechanical maids busy while you are doing other things. That nice hot sudsie water is working on anything that is “stuck on” and will easily come off when you get back to it. I hope this helps!
Good, practical stuff, Karen.
Great post! I am towards the end of my homeschooling years, yet your words are encouraging to me. Thank you too for giving me a place to send my young friends to find perspective.
If men had to home educate for a week and run the household, and care for infants and toddlers, we would see an explosion of Christian schools across the country. I am a homeschooler of many years myself, mother of 6, but I have to say that I don’t think God ever intended mothers to be able to do it all. Many mothers are doing heroic things to cover the bases, but it doesn’t change the fact that there is rank failure on the part of churches to operate Christian schools as allies with Christian parents in the training up of the next generation in the faith. Hats off to all mothers who are hanging in there and doing a good job in difficult circumstances.
You make an excellent point regarding the failure of churches to operate Christian schools
. We are currently planting a church in a rural area and as we grow we would like to do that in our church.
I agree about the idea of some men being stay-at-homes…sadly they just don’t seem to multi-task like women can. But I have to share something that I have found about Christian schools…I have 2 nieces & a nephew that go to Christian schools and I don’t think that this is the answer either. Realize that there are many different levels in the Christian walk and not everyone is on the same path. Even 2 siblings that were raised the same and taught similarly will end up with different relationships with Christ. Do you really want to chance that they might not be in the same place as you are when it comes to your children? My nieces & nephew were sent to a Christian school (they have been to 4 different ones due to various issues) because their mother was jaded with public schools and figured that a Christian school would fill the gap she was seeing. Unfortunately it led to discord amongst the children. It also led to the children questioning their parents beliefs on some topics because their teacher was “the expert” and the parents were…well, just their parents. They also met and became friends with other students in their class, only to discover later on that these kids were in the school because their parents wanted them exposed to Christian values & beliefs, but didn’t practice the Christian faith at home. As a stipulation they went to the Church associated with the school on Sundays, but that’s where it ended. My sister-in-law thought that because the kids all went to a Christian school that they would be positive for their kids, but that’s not always the case. She discovered that there were quite a few kids enrolled that were only there because they had been expelled from public schools and had no other way to get their education.
I’m not dissing Christian schools entirely…just warning that just because it is a Christian school doesn’t mean it is definitely the solution.
Great post Kelly! I’m HUGE on simplifying too!!! Sometimes too much?
What a wonderful post! One can never have too much practical encouragement!
You said it all, Kelly!!
I would just add that until your child ASKs to learn to read, ditch ALL formal curriculum. Just play, read aloud, cook together, play outside, do crafts together, have lots of papers, coloring pencils, crayons and other simple tools kids can use to express themselves. Dance, sing, go to the park… the kids are learning with you all day. How did they learn to talk? Walk? Say Mama?? Did you use a curriculum for that??
NO! You just spend time with your child. Until your child has the desire and asks to learn to read (if they are not already reading on their own) don’t worry about formal textbooks, worksheets or curriculum. And once they learn to read then they are set to continue on their learning exploration. Now, reading books!!
At our home, (4 kids under 10y.o., #3 beginning to read) this week all we are doing is SCience Fair Projects that are due on Friday. I got a pile of laundry in my laundry room… told my son to wear the same clothes he had on today, tomorrow. My kitchen needs a mopping desperately, but it will have to wait. Tomorrow we have a park play date… yeah, the house needs cleaning but the sunshine won’t wait.
enjoy your little ones… I remember when my 10 y.o. was a baby… I did not do her justice. Oh, well, live and learn. Learn with your mistakes and move on!!
Good post! Good tips! I have to agree simplify, simplify, simplify, and streamline . We have fifteen children ages 18 down to five. It gets tricky to manage housework, home schooling the kids (we currently homeschool fourteen. Our oldest graduated last spring) , training, being a wife, and meals, etc, etc… Just when I feel like I have everything working well something needs to be re tweeked. I feel like I am just getting solid in the homeschool area and it only took thirteen + years!
Tina–you probably need to be writing this post
This was fantastic! Just what I needed today. Thank you.
excellent stuff,kelly. one thing that mamas might note is that they should not feel guilty for asking a young girl to be a mother’s helper………..it’s an excellent fantastic learning experience for the helper, so the relationship is mutually beneficial!
Kirsten,
Agreed. There seems to be a stigma (?) or fear of asking children to help with chores under the premise that “it’s Mom’s job” and somehow it’s like slave labor to expect a child to do his share of helping the family. I think this comes largely from the adolescent culture we’ve grown accustomed to, and in my opinion, it’s an unhealthy state.
Of course our children shouldn’t do everything but to teach a child that he isn’t a vital part of helping and contributing to a family is to do him a disservice and make life much harder than it was intended.
We all consume, we all work, we all enjoy the benefits of that labor. That’s a healthy, balanced life.
Bless you, Kelly. This was so encouraging and practical for me to hear. Once again you have blessed me through your words of wisdom. Thanks.
We have also found it helpful to neglect all social media (at least until school, dinner, and chores are done), forego preschool (nothing essential is learned), and have the six year old (our oldest at the time) do ALL the household laundry. Today’s color-fast children’s clothes can really be washed all together in one hot load, and don’t need to be separated! A child from age 5 or six can empty one family member’s hamper per day, wash it, and dry it. By age 7 they can hang it on a low line to dry. This may sound like a bit much, but my 5 year old begs to do the laundry, and my now 7 year old thinks he is the coolest kid ever having that responsibility! They love it! We have had no destroyed clothing in 2.5 years of this!
And my most helpful resource with five kids age 7 and under: save up for a robotic vacuum! I used to vacuum daily just to keep us from walking all over junk on the floor (and it was still always a mess). We bought a neato robotic vacuum which does the household vacuuming while we sleep! In a big house floor-plan, it has been the biggest help, and the most romantic gift my husband has ever saved for! It is cheaper than a human helper long-term, and doesn’t mind the disaster it has to work around! :o)
Nicole,
Oooh, I’ve been thinking that vacuum would be a brilliant idea, especially for a big, open floor! Glad to hear you give it a thumbs-up. I have an anniversary coming up
Going through the home simplification process right now! I did it right before we moved and got rid of tons and as we’re still unpacking I am finding more and more things that I can live without! It’s helped to clear out the school/play area. We’re also rotating toys so we don’t have too much clutter at once – with 6 kids it can get insanely crazy after they get done playing and since we’re still learning to clean up after ourselves it most definitely drives me crazy! I keep looking at things and think…”If my house burnt down tomorrow would I even miss this or that?” It sure helps put things in perspective in terms of what I can live without! But regardless – if they live here then they help in some way, shape, or form. I don’t care how simple it might be, but assigning one kids to pick up trash from off the floor each day is a lifesaver…those ADHD boys can’t figure out what a trashcan is let alone actually use one when they can just throw it on the floor for mom to get. LOL Since we just got a new puppy they’re all learning extra responsibilities because they all have a hand in helping with her.
Luckily we also do educational learning year round…I firmly believe that from the time they are born that each second I spend with them (or should I say each second of their lives) they are learning something and since I feel like learning shouldn’t be confined to just 9 months out of the year it’s become a yearly thing in our house. Makes things a little easier because this way we can have a pretty flexible day and if we have those days where we want nothing more than to cuddle under blankets and watch TV or read books then we don’t feel so guilty.
Plus I really feel that my duty as a parent is to prepare them to be good Christian adults. I want them to be confident that they can take care of themselves and not rely on others to do things they should be able to do. Laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, budgeting, grocery shopping, organization, car maintenance, home maintenance, sewing on a button, etc. So we start out teaching them when they are young and as they “master” each task then they will learn a new one. We talk about why they need to learn it and I try to mix in a little math/science/reading/etc with each task. We do not just live together – we all work together since we all consume the food, use the electricity, use the water, etc. Our goal is to teach them to be good stewards of everything in their lives. That’s one of the main goals of our educational learning environment.
After they have basics down then we move onto more advanced ‘work’ – once they have expressed a desire to read they all seem to just take off with their learning. It’s so nice to know that you (Kelly) are doing things in a similar fashion because I have so many friends & family that think I am totally nuts and am screwing up my kids for life by doing it this way! Sadly, most people can’t even compare how I am raising my kids because they just haven’t seen it done this way before. I am just thankful I haven’t given into the “peer pressure” and have continued instead to listen to God and His plans for us. It may be crazy nuts at times, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world!
This could have been written by me! In fact, as I was reading the letter, I was wondering if I got up in the middle of the night and wrote it without realizing it! We also have 6 children, homeschool the oldest 3 and have one that can do a little preschool. I am in the same boat of being overwhelmed. This was an excellent post. Thanks so much for taking the time to write it. I really need to look for things to get rid of and to keep my counters clean. I’m not good at those two areas.