This concept is nothing new (the title of this post). I was going to say it isn’t even that profound, but upon reflection, I think it sort of is. I’m finishing up Amy Cuddy’s Presence, and it’s one of the most thought-provoking books I’ve read this year, so far. I mentioned in another post that I got the audio version, which is nice for listening to in the car, but I’m constantly finding myself wishing I could underline, copy, and paste quote after quote after quote on Facebook, in my journal, and in emails to my older kids. (Can you hear the kids sighing?) I’m tempted to buy the Kindle version, too.
One of the things she’s got me pondering is how we actually change the course of our lives—maybe because I’m on the cusp of changing mine, and I often wonder exactly how I got here from where I was. The distance is Grand Canyon-ish.
My 19-year-old son came in this morning after a run. Nothing odd about that, except that I’ve never known him to run before. I asked him how it went, and he said he felt sick. He didn’t get too far before he wanted to slit his throat. It was unpleasant. It reminded me of my one attempt at running. I got about half a block down the sidewalk and decided it was a very poor idea. I have a friend, on the other hand, who runs marathons. That wasn’t always the case. She didn’t wake up one day and discover she was a runner. She trains. I told my son he needed to Google how to train to run. I, on the other hand, am content not to.
Cuddy points out how ineffective New Year’s Resolutions are because they are built on a negative idea of yourself that you want to change; for example, you are out of shape and want to get into shape. Resolutions are also built on a vision of what we will be when we’ve achieved our goal. The problem is, the goals we want to achieve are often quite lofty and require several years of various consistent small habits before they can become a reality. After a month of trying, and failing, to become the person we envision on January 1st, we give up and go back to the way things were.
But what if we made small changes in our thinking and behaviors that, over time, alter the course of our lives?
She writes about the body-mind connection. How what we do with our bodies affects how we think and what we believe about ourselves and our circumstances. If you watch her Ted Talk HERE, you can get a taste of this concept. Here’s an example of how this has worked out in my own life.
I’ve typically had poor taste in style. I’m not a shopper, by nature, and while I’m creative in many ways, decorating my home and my body are not areas I’ve done well in over the years. I had the perfect excuse when I was immersed in my former conservative values of dressing to cover up all curves (don’t want to stumble anyone), look kind of drab and dowdy (this is humility externalized – bright happy colors would draw attention to yourself), and keep a low profile (so people think of God if they happen to see you – not you.) Also, every time I did anything to make my home look nice, I felt guilty. People were dying in Africa, and I just hung curtains in my sunroom? Was it okay if I got them at Good Will and altered them myself?
I felt ugly (wouldn’t anybody dressed in an oversized gray sweater and long black skirt?), and I tried hard not to draw attention to myself. But this drawing in, keeping my head down, walking with a slouch, keeping my arms and hands close to my body, and crossing my legs all had an affect on me. I felt powerless and insecure. When I did speak up and say something, it had to be only to females, and it had to be positive. Hard things had to have a positive spin. Something becoming of a humble, cooperative, godly woman.
Three years ago I got some coaching from Leslie Vernick, and she helped me see that even though having a sense of style didn’t come naturally to me, it was quite possible I could learn some skills in this area. She recommended Jill Swanson, an image consultant in my neck of the woods. I hired Jill to come to my home for a day, and she went through my closet showing me what worked and what didn’t work with who I was, my coloring, my life-style, and so forth.
She pointed out the fact that I basically had three colors in my closet. Black, white, and gray. No wonder I felt like I was half dead. She took me shopping and had me try on things in my signature colors (blues to match my eyes, vibrant pinks to bring out my cheek color, and taupey browns to go with my hair.) I’ve been working on my wardrobe for three years, and it’s still not where I’d like it to be, but it is a night and day difference from where it was. I never wear black anymore. I dress up every day. I do more layering with jackets, scarves, and sweaters. I wear boots over skinny jeans. I wear jewelry. I put on makeup and fix my hair (I found a good hair stylist who taught me how to fix it right). I walk with my head up, taking brisk steps with long strides. I smile. And I feel like a different person!
“The way you carry yourself is a source of personal power—the kind of power that is the key to presence. It’s the key that allows you to unlock yourself—your abilities, your creativity, your courage, and even your generosity. It doesn’t give you skills or talents you don’t have; it helps you to share the ones you do have. It doesn’t make you smarter or better informed; it makes you more resilient and open. It doesn’t change who you are; it allows you to be who you are.”
Before I was a shadow of me. A version of me I thought I had to be to fit into the circles I ran in. Now I’m just me, I don’t have a circle anymore, and if someone doesn’t like it, they can lump it. I’m good with God, and that’s my peace.
When I’m driving down the road, if I think of it, I straighten up, throw my shoulders back, and put a slight smile on my face, even if I don’t feel like it. The research shows that when we frown, we feel sad or angry. When we smile, we feel more at peace, even happy. I’ve experimented with this, and it’s true! This is more than just wishful thoughts. It’s engaging our body, which then triggers processes in our brain that release hormones, that enable us to experience better thoughts and feelings about our situation. This, in turn, gives us the confidence we need to bring our best selves to our challenges and do well, which, in turn, releases more good hormones and sets us on a more positive trajectory.
I no longer believe God views us as lowly worms or expects us to view ourselves that way. Realistically, we are worms compared to Him, but, and this is a big but, Jesus Christ’s blood transforms us into children of God! So why live in fear and shame, for Pete’s sake?
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Why not claim our inheritance and live like the royalty we are and walk in the Light of His Love and Grace? When we have grace toward ourselves, that spills over onto others around us. We become less self-conscious (which is paralyzing) and more aware and present and authentic and engaged with what is happening around us.
According to Cuddy, as we focus on the small tweaks in life and build habits in bits rather than large chunks, we end up, over time, making huge changes and becoming who we really are. As a Christian, I take this to mean we are in the process of becoming all God created us to be. There is no ultimate end goal we will arrive at here on earth. The process is the thing. And that makes all of life meaningful.
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
Philippians 1:6
I love this Natalie. Was like reading much of my own journey out of church legalism which is still an ongoing journey although I’ve recovered some ground – in those small steps. I felt like I lost my youth. Or that much of it was stolen or dominated by the circles I was in. I was turned into the bag lady. And the inner shame! I am so grateful for God teaching me slowly too that its actually a joy to enjoy and look after myself and my home. Ah the freedom! But I am still a baby in comparison when I see younger women who were never squished so naturally and vibrantly dressing themselves, putting beautiful clips in their hair or lovely bangles on. I am still so awkward and unsure, but forging ahead and making progress. (I think I must go buy some bangles
I also fell into the guilt trap of how can I be so selfish as to spend a little on myself or my home when there are billions suffering in the world. It paralyzed me. And it showed in my house and cupboards. Now I know that I do care about suffering. But charity begins at home. I cannot save the world. Jesus came to do that. All I can do is take care of myself, my home and family, and Lord willing there is anything over to give which isn’t always the case, I don’t have to deport it to the end’s of the earth, very often a neighbour or an acquaintance nearby is one God placed in my immediate world who can receive it. Ah the Lords grace in leading me out of slavery! Not necessarily the slavery the church calls slavery. He is faithful. Thanks for sharing your journey!
You do sound like me, Julie.
I’m so encouraged!
Excellent article! For big projects, this is what I call “eating the elephant one bite at a time.” In my spiritual life it’s how Methodists practice The Discipline for progressive sanctification. (I was reared Methodist, so studied The Discipline in catechism. I left the Methodist church as a young adult, but still believe in the practice of progressive sanctification.)
It is a profound concept in light of why some people grow and live fulfilling lives and why others seemingly keep wallowing in the mire.
Blessings!
This is so lovely. And you’ve talked about a principle I have definitely been trying to apply lately.
I am grateful that I never fell victim to “spiritual” reasons for looking less than attractive. I have much less noble reasons for looking drab and dowdy at this state in my life. It is very true that I’m not much of a shopper — especially when it comes to clothing. (I think I do ok for my house.) But back when I was younger and much, much thinner I think my clothing wasn’t too bad. I liked what I had — it was me. Unfortunately now I do feel very unattractive as I am VERY overweight — and also very short so there isn’t much room to put all that extra weight and I am way too curvy on top. Plus, I’ve never known what to do with my very fine hair. I share somewhat similar coloring to you and unfortunately the colors that probably look best on me don’t happen to be the colors I like the most, so that doesn’t help boost my self-esteem. But I am ok with the colors I generally wear — it is the cut of my clothing that I hate.
What a great privilege to have received personalized help in building your new style. Enjoy the fun process! Since I only recently discovered your blog I don’t know what you looked like before (are there pictures from this older “stage” somewhere in the archives) but I certainly think you look very put-together and confident and lovely in the ones I’ve seen.
And thanks for the video and book suggestion. I am definitely checking them out. I am starting to look forward to your blog entries because I know there’s a good chance I’ll learn of some new resource I’ll love.
Yay!
What a beautiful post. God created us to shine, and women, as the most glorious of God’s creation, should do so unashamedly. It brings Him glory when you shine. Didn’t Jesus say something about not hiding your light?
oh, my goodness, Natalie! We are on the same journey!!
I think I have been on this journey for years but last year the change was exponentially greater. But like you, I heard a Ted talk about how to make “big” changes: they need to be very easy (tiny and doable) and connected to a habit you already have to stick. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdKUJxjn-R8
I decided to try and like him, I began with a physical activity: squats every time I used the restroom. Well… I can tell you my butt is perkier, my thighs are stronger and my cellulite is disappearing.
Yoohoo!!!
Anyway, in a year, my family and I have accomplished so much by taking tiny steps in every area of our lives. I still feel overwhelmed sometimes from trying to do too much. My house still doesn’t look like one from Home and Gardens. But I am more content. And comfortable where I am.
I remember how lousy and cranky I felt all the time. Just mad at the world. Now I allow myself to enjoy pretty things. I didn’t let myself do that before.
Last spring I had an epiphany come to me. I realized why flowers exist!!! I thought flowers were a waste of time and matter. How imbecile was that??!! There’s a purpose in beauty, in pretty. Flowers are the precursors to life, to seed, to continuation! Without flowers, there’s nothing else. Could you imagine what our world would be without pretty? How sad! How can we deny beauty and “pretty” with the kind of Creator we have? He takes such care in details, in colors… in the most mundane, tiny, minuscule created living beings!!! :O
In the process, I am learning to embrace myself. Not everything that is pretty to someone else will be pretty to me or on me. I love bangles! I think they are so pretty (sorry for the excessive use of pretty) and musical. But I can’t wear them. They get in my way! I tried to wear them, but they don’t seem to fit me. So I enjoy them on the ladies that wear them. I enjoy them on my little girls.
My little girls love bangles, necklaces, lace, frilly, pink clothing, crazy patterns. I used to frown and twist my mouth at that. Oh, how ugly! Not anymore! Now I celebrate with them their pretty.
I love big earrings though. I love lipstick!!! I love colorful clothing. I love heels! I enjoy my curves. Little by little I am learning to enjoy the person that God created: me.
I am so glad God is such a patient Father. What I do regret is not being where I am now earlier in my life. You know what I mean? I feel for my family that had to put up with this ugliness in my heart for so long. But God is good. His mercies are new every morning!
Yoohoo! Go sister, celebrate your pretty!
I’m with you. Have you read The Nesting Place? You’d love it.
I love this.
I was headed in the direction of dressing a bit frumpy there for awhile… As to not offend anyone. I got away from it, and I’m working on my wardrobe as well. You are SO right about all of this taking time. 
The small changes… It’s so true. I started Trim Healthy Mama 2 years ago and reached my goal weight very quickly, but there are aspects of the program I am STILL working on. 
Me too. Still trying to figure out how to incorporate strength training into my crazy busy life. Just when I think I’ve got it – something happens to change the schedule OR I get sick OR my back goes out. We do the best we can, right?
Thank you.
Good morning to you from Maine. I think I’ve only commented once before but I just wanted to drop a line or two to tell you that I appreciate your writing. I’m gleaning so much through following your story; your transformation. May God continue to bless you.
Thank you, Emily!