Biblically Caring for our Aging Parents
By Contributing Writer, Marci Ferrell
Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you. Exodus 20:12
Honoring our parents is a command we never outgrow. We may not live directly under their authority, but we are to always show them the love and respect that the Lord commands us to. But how is this command lived out as our parents age and need our help in their day to day care? As Christians how do we look at the care of our parents differently than the world does?
Our Story
My husband and I are finding ourselves in this next season of our lives. My husband’s parents have moved into our home since my mother-in-law has suffered several major strokes and is bedridden and unresponsive. Mom is in a dining room turned into an intensive care unit, and dad, moving from their two story home, is in one of our spare guest rooms. Changes for them. Changes for us.
Dad needs help in her daily care, and a nursing home wasn’t an option for our family. This wasn’t a difficult decision to bring them into our home because Biblically, this is what we believe we are called to do. Family is important to us. God designed families to care for one another all of their lives – weak and strong, young and old.
Our culture has no grasp on the importance of family
We have allowed the state to take care of our aging population as they become a burden to us. Our older generation has an independent mindset, and they are not always willing to move in with their children. Our generation and our parent’s generation have lost the biblical worldview of the family. Families are segregated and isolated because we live in a culture that idolizes independent living
Women have bought into the lie that having a career outside the home is more fulfilling than staying home and being a wife and mother. This leaves homes with no daughters or daughter-in-laws to care for aging parents and the elderly.
But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. 1 Timothy 5:8
Change has to happen at home within our families as we communicate the importance of caring for grandparents with our children. They must see it modeled and lived out in the carefree times and in the difficult ones too. The world around us has to see us as believers in Jesus Christ live out the command to “love one another”. They should be in awe of the love and care we have for our families. The Gospel must be lived out in our homes. Our lives should be so attractive to non-believers that they would desire to know about the God we serve and love.
By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. John 13:35
What Does This Look Like?
No two situations are the same, and it will be different for every family. It involves much prayer, communication and planning. My hope is that you would think Biblically – that your mind would be transformed by the Word of God and the decisions you make would be based on “what does God’s Word say?” not “what is culturally acceptable and convenient.”
The Spiritual Benefits to Our Family
We have been truly blessed and thankful to have mom and dad living with us. Caring for someone who needs round the clock attention can be tiring, challenging and stressful at times. These are the moments we have to look to the One who can supply all our needs and from Whom we draw our strength. Learning to give thanks in and through all circumstances keeps our focus on the eternal and not the temporal.
We don’t get it right all the time. The selfishness and sinfulness of our hearts comes out, but we are learning more and more about God’s grace everyday. We are learning to offer each other much grace and being reminded that “love covers a multitude of sins.” The fruit of the spirit is cultivated daily as the Lord uses this trial to sanctify us and grow us in holiness.
Our faith has been strengthened as we see where our weaknesses lie, and we become more dependent on the Lord in those areas. It is humbling to realize you are not as spiritually strong as you may think you are.
It reveals what I love more than God – This unfortunately is usually myself. What idols of my heart need to be removed from my life through the help of the Holy Spirit so that my contentment is found only in Christ?
It enables us to help others who find themselves in a similar situation. It is hard to be merciful and understanding towards someone until you have experienced the situation they are in yourself. God teaches us much through the trial so we can help others.
Family relationships are grown and cultivated. Dad is now a part of our daily life, and we are still settling in with these new changes to our family structure. We are learning to cherish the moments the Lord has given us with dad and encourage him on the impact he has on his children, grandchildren and great-grandchild.
What is Next?
Outside of a miracle of the Lord, mom is medically not going to get better. The days will be more difficult as time goes on. Where do we find our peace, our comfort? It is found only in the Sovereignty of God. We are always reminded that “God is working all things together for good to those who love Him, to those who are the called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28).
Is this hard? Absolutely. Is this to give glory to self? I could think of countless easier ways to accomplish this. The reason we chose to do this is simple. It is for the glory of God. It is for the obedience to the only One deserving of it. The hope is that the world would see Christ exalted and desire to know Him. Jesus truly is enough.
Helpful Resources:
Taking Care of Your Parents – Sermon by Scott Brown
Surprised by Suffering: The Role of Pain and Death in the Christian Life – by R.C. Sproul
Trusting God Even When Life Hurts – by Jerry Bridges
Tags: caring for elderly, culture changers, relationships, worldview
Thank you for sharing your heart regarding this matter, as I know that the season of life, which I will have to take care of my Mother full time, will be on the horizon. It’s not easy to think about, especially since we don’t get along very well. Your post has inspired me to take these feelings I am having to God in prayer so when the time does come, I will be prepared with a humble heart and not a grumbling heart.
Mara – thank you too for sharing your heart. There is much joy in and through the trials because of Him and remembering He will complete the work in us. We always have much to give thanks for – I have been mindful to give thanks when I start grumbling because it ceases my grumbling very quickly
I will be praying for you Mara – please keep us in your prayers.
Thank you for this post. Its a much needed reminder for me right now as my grandmother has been needing extra care from her family. She will sometimes live with us off and on because of the help she now needs and its easy for me to think selfishly rather than Biblically. So thank you very much for your post. I needed this reminder and encouragement at this point in my life.
God bless you and all that you are doing with your family and aging parents!
Gretchen your honesty is humbling. Thank you for your encouragement to me and grateful for your sharing.
I’m reading your post the morning after visiting my grandmother, who is beginning to suffer from many adverse health conditions. None of her children are really in a position or have a desire to provide care for her and I have been thinking and praying about whether the Lord is asking me to help her. My husband and I are starting over financially, living in my father-in-law’s extra house with our three young children, and I am privileged to stay home with my children. We are committed to raising our children with a Biblically Worldview, which my grandmother does not share, as she denies belief in God. What suggestions do you have, in addition to praying, that will help me make the right decision?
Erin as I write this I do encourage you to seek guidance from your pastor or church elders in your decision but I would like to leave you with some thoughts as I have a grandmother who is a nursing home in Ohio and we would of loved to care for her but her children felt this was the best choice for her. My family are not believer in Jesus Christ – so like you with your grandmother – they are looking at it from a totally different worldview. To keep good family relations I would talk with your grandmother’s children and get their thoughts as to your family caring for her and make sure you see where your grandmother is in all this. She may not want to move from her home or she may not want to live with anyone. Honoring and respecting their decisions are important even if we do not agree with them. You are always able to model to your children your love and care for her by visiting, housekeeping, meals, notes etc. This may soften grandma’s heart and the families involved in enabling you to care for her in the future. I will be praying for you Erin.