Avoiding Strained Relationships With Adult Children

By Contributing Writer, Marcia Wilwerding

Over the last twenty years I have witnessed and experienced personally the heartbreak of strained relationships between parents and adult children. If you are struggling with this area of family relationships, I hope to share some key principles which may help smooth the way to an outcome which brings peace and glorifies God.

A Right Understanding Regarding Authority

Unfortunately, in many cases, a skewed view of parental authority is the fuel which keeps unrest burning between parents and their adult children. Parents who fail to recognize the fact that their children are actually adults or are becoming adults could ultimately result in strained relationships.

Few would argue that parents have authority over their children. It is a God-ordained responsibility established primarily for the purpose of keeping order in the home, providing protection and provision for the children, and for passing on God’s truth to the next generation. Christian parents who take these responsibilities seriously will do their best to fully meet those obligations.

However, some parents forget that their role as a parent in authority is one which must be phased out as the children grow and mature. The goal of parenting is to finally release those children into the world as mature adults who, in most cases, will themselves be authorities over others. In fact, as parents enter the last stages of life, their children may even assume a place of authority over them as they take on the responsibilities of their elder care.

When Differences Become Battlegrounds

It is during that transition from child to adult when strain most often begins. Suddenly, their choices in music, clothing, and friendships veer off the path you have established for them. Later, their decisions regarding a mate and their life’s calling may clash with your vision for their future.

As a parent you may feel a pang of betrayal. Don’t they trust your judgement? Don’t they realize your reasons for establishing rules and family standards are for their own good and because you love them so dearly?

Perhaps you see your worst fears being realized. Don’t they see how the choices they are making for their future will lead to only pain and disaster, not only for them but also for you and others? If we just let them have their way, won’t it give their siblings the green light to rebel as well?

What’s a Mother To Do?

I cannot stress enough how important it is not to allow these fears and emotions to rule your course of action. And furthermore, to play the parental authority card can sometimes result in permanent estrangement from adult children.

Begin by stepping back from the situation in order to evaluate what is really going on. Take some time to discuss things with your husband, pray about it, and ask some probing questions.

If your adult child is still living under your roof, is this a matter of rebellion against your established house rules or merely of a difference in opinion, non-essential standards, or taste? For instance, if your daughter’s clothing is modest, should you object to her wearing it based solely on the style? Is his music really sinful or only irritating to you?  

Is this difference a matter of sin or only of not being wise? Is it sinful for your son to not accept your offer to pay for his college in order to take an apprenticeship opportunity—or maybe only unwise? Is it a sin for your daughter to want to court a man who is not yet established in a life’s work—or perhaps unwise?

In addition, if your children choose friends and future mates against your better judgement, do you believe they are a genuine threat to your child’s future well-being or is it simply that they are not the ones you would have chosen for them?  

For instance, if a son does not hold to his parents’ non-essential standards of women wearing a head covering or only dresses/skirts, then he may choose a wife who doesn’t either. She may not be what they would have chosen for him, but she may be a perfect match for him. 

It is also important to consider the spiritual state of your grown child. If he is an unbeliever, can you expect him to marry a believer? Or would it be better to counsel him to find his best match, though yet unconverted, and then continue to pray and reach out to both of them with the Gospel?

Is there a danger that this child’s choices are negatively impacting their siblings—or could these same choices end up being a means of them learning from his/her mistakes? Sin and rebellion have the greatest potential for negatively influencing other children in the home, but consider that unwise choices are sometimes a means of deferring others from making the same mistakes.

Are your differences in doctrinal and religious issues a matter of essentials or non-essentials? While there is a time to separate from others over religious beliefs, there should also be a measure of grace as your maturing children come to faith and grow in knowledge.

The truths passed on to them must be their own. Unless it is a matter of heresy which could influence their younger siblings, it is best to just pray for them, give them loving counsel when it is sought, and wait patiently for the Lord to work through His Spirit.

What does their father think about the situation?  I had a disagreement with one of our homeschooled sons who wanted to take drivers education down at the local public school. I had fears of him developing wrong associations there, but my husband put his foot down and said to let him go. T

he only thing our son got from the experience, besides his license, was that the public schools are full of unruly kids who hinder others from learning much of anything. He was actually put off by their conduct. Mom learned something too: listen to Dad and trust the Lord.

Choose Your Battles Wisely and Sparingly

There may be other issues to consider, but the main thing is to choose your battles wisely and sparingly. Ultimately, you will probably have one or more children who do not agree with you on every issue. Sadly, some parents who decide to chuck the whole relationship over issues like those I have mentioned end up closing the door to future witness and influence.

Of course, there will be times when you must draw the line; it is best for you and their father to determine what that line will be before the need arises. Letting your children know these house rules ahead of time can help defer a battle altogether.

For instance, our adult children who lived at home knew they were still under the same house rules as their younger siblings regarding clothing and entertainment choices. My husband and I also decided we would not allow our grown children to sleep under our roof with anyone to whom they were not biblically married. Thankfully, we never had to enforce that one, but the kids knew it nonetheless.

As you can see, it is important to address difficulties with maturing and adult children with understanding, grace, and discernment. Treating one another with mutual respect rather than heated emotional responses will go a long way in establishing and retaining healthy relationships with them through your adult lives together.

Your loving counsel and prayerful patience may be the means of them eventually coming around to your way of thinking. But, if not, pray you would be able to live in peace with them as much as it depends on you. (Romans 12:18)