Accepting The Season of Menopause
By Contributing Writer, Terry Covey
A Variety of Suffering
This month’s topic on suffering makes me feel a bit odd writing about menopause. There is the intense suffering that comes from the loss of a loved one, such as in the Connecticut shootings. And I have watched several family and friends deal with the incredible pain of losing loved ones recently. I don’t think anything compares to that type of suffering. But, menopause, and the infertility that comes alongside this physical phenomena, result in their own form of pain and affliction. They result in another type of finality.
Each ‘ending’ in our life, whether it be a person or a season, is used by God for His perfect result. We go through periods of suffering that are completely varied in appearance and severity. Some are intense and painful, while others are slow and steady. And those who are in menopause can certainly attest to the confusion, pain, and mixed emotions that accompany this change, along with the knowledge that their childbearing years are over.
A Long Season of Change
I won’t belabor the point by sharing the minute details of my pre and post menopause, but suffice it to say, it’s been a long, long season! It’s been over ten years since I began feeling the symptoms such as hot flashes, irregular cycles, confused thinking, and miscarriages. Although I’ve been completely in menopause (no menstrual cycles) for over three years, I still suffer from hot flashes and diminished cognitive processes. Yep, it’s been a long haul. And it feels even longer when I’ve had friends who speed through it in a year or so, with little or no symptoms! But we are each different and must accept what ‘the change’ will mean to us!
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—A time to give birth and a time to die…..
I have seen that nothing is better than that man should be happy in his activities, for that is his lot. For who will bring him to see what will occur after him? Ecclesiastes 3:1-2, 22
The Real Trial
Now this little synopsis of my physical life in my forties and fifties is just the tip of the iceberg of what I’m writing about! The real trial for me in dealing with menopause has been the adjustment to not being able to bear more children. Now, for some of you, those days of hoping to have a little reprieve from the demands of pregnancy, sleepless nights, and ‘baby fat’ may seem too far off to even hope for. But believe me, that time comes, oh, so quickly and before you know it, there are no more babies to cuddle; no more sweet-smelling newborns to hear squirming next to you in the middle of the night. Yes, I know, we still have our snoring husbands, but somehow that’s just not the same!
Those who are ‘moms of many’ will understand me when I say, ”It’s just who we’ve become.” It’s where we’re most comfortable, and we’ve come to love and cherish having little ones under foot, not to mention, in our arms. And now those arms are mostly empty, and the ache is felt rather strongly some days. It’s like an addiction to being truly needed. And I relished it!
My youngest is going on eleven as I write this. So for several years I’ve had the adjustment of not being needed like I used to be. I don’t wake to a hungry baby, or hear a toddler crying for momma, or even a little one calling out “wipe me!” My children mostly can take care of themselves, but praise God for my younger crew. Without them, I think I’d go crazy without their hugs and ‘show-and-tells’!
I know, I know – you all are thinking my “diminished cognitive processes” are catching up with me! That I’ve forgotten how much work these little ones create. Oh, I do remember, each and every time my grandchildren come to visit! But this ‘not-being-needed thing’ is enough to wipe out any harried memory of those busy, busy times! I really do miss it.
Transition and Change
The good Lord blessed me with nine healthy pregnancies and births before my first miscarriage. That was the first sign of what was to come. I was blessed to deliver my last son before I had two more miscarriages. This ended my fertile years, and it was a blow to my picture of life as I knew it. I view these years as the easing out of my old role.
I was a busy mother. I was pregnant every two years. I was usually nursing a babe. I was needed to orchestrate the chaos of a family of twelve. I was living in a house full of little children, all in the differing stages of growth and development. I was……but that was only for a season. A new season was on the horizon.
This set the stage for a need to discover my new identity, my new ‘place’ in this world. The ‘new’ Terry. The me who didn’t have a baby on her hip. Or who didn’t need to store maternity clothes or nursing pads for next year 
. Someone who could go out with her husband and not worry about when the next nursing was due. Someone who wasn’t needed all the time!
Again, I know most of you are thinking, “This woman is crazy!” But I’m for real. And I know others are feeling or will feel what I am writing here. Change is hard. And change after twenty five years is even harder. Now I understand what a man must feel when he retires. It’s the rediscovery of who we are in our new environment.
The Menopause Journey
So this has been my journey in the last five years. One of discovery. Finding myself in new territory. Adjusting to the new role of being a Grandmomma. It hasn’t been a smooth transition, and it’s taken time. But I’m beginning to love it!
I have more time on my hands, and yet less at the same time. When children grow up and begin to leave home, time is not your own anymore. Your schedule as a support person and grandmother is decreed by their days off work, their pregnancies, and their schedules. Flexibility is key.
Yes, flexibility was needed when my own little ones were underfoot, and yet, I led the pack. I decided what we did and when we did it. That is not the case anymore. Somehow I must balance my needs, along with managing our own home, all the while keeping my older children’s and their family’s schedules and needs important. So I have more time, yet I have less time. Maybe it’s that I have less choice. I can’t run the show like I used to. And for all points, that’s a very good thing.
And come to think of it – God used my many children to humble me. (Well, okay – I’ll insert a caveat for my children’s benefit – I was still pretty proud!) And He is using these menopausal, non-fertile years to humble me and keep me pliable. He does use everything to bend our knee, doesn’t He?!
Reaping The Benefits of Menopause
So what has this season of suffering through menopause reaped in my life? -
- I’m learning all sorts of new character, like patience, humility, flexibility, loving-kindness, generosity, and more.
- I’m finding that my walk with God is purer and less entangled.
- I can’t cover my weaknesses with my busyness and micro-managing.
- I’m learning to lean on God more and my family less.
- And I see that God in His infinite wisdom has laid out a plan for life that weaves a beautiful tapestry out of all the stages of our lives!
I now see that although I’m not needed for those runny noses and scraped knees (although my ten year old is testing me on that one!) yet, I am still needed. Just in different ways. I’m still needed to encourage my older children in their marriages and parenting. I’m still needed to offer tips that I’ve learned over the years, and share my failures with them in the hopes they can avoid those same mistakes. I’m still needed to be there to simply lighten their load.
No, I no longer have my own babies to snuggle with at night – but when my kids visit, they’re so kind as to send their little ones in to see Granddad and Grandmomma – and we get the joy of snuggles again! So the finality of menopause and the end of childbearing is quiet an adjustment. But it is also the beginning of a new season of growth - and we can trust God through it all!
Tags: menopause, miscarriage, motherhood, suffering
I am smiling at the Lord’s timing this morning. Just this past weekend the children and i were going through a box of baby clothes that i was saving for our next baby. Well, my ‘baby’ is five, hormones are a bit whacky and I really don’t know if i will have anymore. I decided we might as well give them to my son and daughter-in-law, as they are expecting.
Brian and I would still love to have another baby, but I was completely surprised by the depth of emotions I felt as we went through those clothes! I was weeping the whole time! I remembered babies in those tiny clothes, the smells, the snuggles, the joy of each birth. I just couldn’t stop. It didn’t matter that we have been blessed with nine wonderful children. It didn’t matter how many years i was pulling my hair out wondering if this chaos was ever going to end, wondering if i would ever be able to sleep through the night, wondering if I would be tired for the rest of my life.
Nope, my heart was aching, the pain of that blessed door being closed was real. I really am in a beautiful season of life right now, discovering things and gifts in me I didn’t know I had. Life is full and good and i love grandbabies. But, I wonder if the longing will ever go away.
I did not belive for one second all the comments from older women about how fast it went, how you would miss this crazy time someday . . . but they were right. Listen young mamas, soak it up! this season really is fleeting.
(BTW, we have nine here on earth, six in heaven, children ranging from 25-5)
You are right, Terry, we are still needed. I get phone calls several times a week from the ones out of the home, questions, advice, just an ear to listen. That is special too.
Thanks for sharing this today, I know I am not alone in the sadness. I am purposing to be okay with feeling this way, not guilty because i am so blessed. But it is a loss of sorts, and it is okay to grieve!
Blessings,
Michelle
Wow, what an encouragement I have received from both of these writings by Terry and Michelle. The identical feelings have been coming to my mind at unexpected times and more frequently. Last night, as I was putting my 41/2 year old to bed , with my very energetic twin 9 year olds by my side, with lights to low to see my bible , I began singing all the verses I had put to melody. Since I did not know as many as Fanny Crosby, I began singing hymns and praise songs. My mind went back to the death of our 3 month old baby boy. The last time I held him wrapped in a blanket , I sang the words Praise the Lord, to the melody of Eldeweiss . Since, my twins did not gain the weight as our doctor expected, the twins were put on formula at 3 months. So my nursing time ended. Mothers who nurse know that means. I held each son close and continued singing as I put their little sister asleep. Oh, how I have missed those precious times. The feelings you have shared, Terry and Michelle, are so strong , but it is another way that God is becoming my refuge. As I apply the same scriptures that I used for the intensity of going through the chilbearing years with many little ones ( and older ones at the same time), I use today . ” In everything give for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” Thank you for sharing your hearts.
Thank you, Terry for this post. It sums up so many of the things I am going through. Even though I have a few years (Lord willing) left before my child-bearing years are completely over (39 yrs. old), I am already struggling with the finality of it all. We have suffered two miscarriages in the past two years and although I am extremely grateful for our children here on earth and in Heaven there is such a sadness and heaviness in my heart knowing that these last few years of fertility may end in continued miscarriages or no pregnancies at all. This is just never the way I thought I would end my fertile years. But I am constantly reminding myself that God knows better than I and that His plan is truly perfect for myself and my family. It’s true, having babies and little ones has been such a part of our lives for so long – but went by all too fast. Thank you for your honesty and encouragement.
So packed full of wisdom Terry, I don’t even know where to begin. I’ll start with THANK YOU. I always appreciate that you are a step ahead of me. I know that is the Lord’s grace…to prepare me for what’s ahead.
Being 38 I have started thinking quite a bit about what life will look like when there are no more babies. I have seen women, like you, go through the change (not “the change” meaning menopause, but “the change” that menopause brings to their life) with grace and dignity. I have seen others kick and scream every step of the way and I have noticed something about these ladies that I can (unfortunately) see in *myself* as well: They have begun to find their *identity* in being a mom of many. In being ” that mom who is always pregnant”. And even in a bizarre sort of way, “that woman who is persecuted for having so many children.” You know, suddenly she goes to the grocery store with only 2 or 3 kids and no heads turn. She had at some point began to see her worth in that position, and not in Christ. Her identity was not in Him but in her position. No wonder menopause brings such discouragement! The root of it all…ia always Christ, Christ, Christ. Oh how my thick head needs reminding!
Another group of people who “still” need you Terry, and who you can now devote more of your thoughts and time to now that your babies are grown up: younger women in general. Through your blogging and your interactions in your community for example. I can totally see that in you and do look forward to filling in any gaps in my life when I get where you are…to the younger women in Christ.
Such excellent insights about being just as busy really, but on someone else’s timetable. Never had thought of that before, but oh so true!
Love you!
Thanks for all your encouraging words and added insight! The Lord gives us our responsibilities and blessings to treasure and enjoy, but when they come to an end, it’s hard to let go. And like Bambi said, our greatest joy is seeing through all trials our need to find our identity in Christ. He is the only place to find comfort when life gets confusing. Blessings to each of you on this journey we share!
Thanks for this encouragement, Terry. Two months ago I had a miscarriage, after many years of struggling with secondary infertility. I am 42. We had one baby during those long years, and we were so hopeful that soon we would have another precious little one to hold, but it was not to be. It has been a struggle to face the closing womb, when we still long for more children (we have 5, ages 2 to 16). The Lord, in His grace, has led us to pursue adoption from China. Although I am sad about the likelihood that we will have no more biological children (and still praying that, by God’s grace, we will) I also look forward to more years of raising children for God’s glory. This was a helpful post, on a topic that not many are talking about.
Molly, I’m so glad you are pursuing adoption! I wanted to, but we kept waiting to be settled, or waiting for the right timing, and now our age limits us. We can use this change of season for God’s glory in such a multitude of ways. Blessings on you as you seek to bless others. There is such a great need out there!
I wonder if anyone has thoughts on childbearing years being ended by a spouse’s decision rather than menopause? My husband is ready to ‘be done’ having children. We have been blessed with 7 children altogether and have not tried to control our fertility in the past. It seems like such a shock to make this decision. I know God wants me to respect my husband, but my heart doesn’t agree with his. I don’t see what the Bible has to say about this except for “wives submitting to husbands.” I feel like I don’t have the right to ask him for more children when we have been so blessed already, but at the same time if it were up to me I would just let God decide if we have any more and when. Like death, I think birth and the number of children should be left to the Lord. It breaks my heart to think of never holding and nursing another child of our own. What is a christian wife supposed to do in this case to honor God?
You may want to read Kim’s post on this subject: http://visionarywomanhood.com/trusting-god-when-husband-says-no-to-more-children/
In addition, about 14 years ago my husband didn’t say “no” to more children, but he did want to stop temporarily. I wrote a post sharing about what I shared with him that ended up changing his mind. You could try that too! : ) http://visionarywomanhood.com/fruitful-multiply-why/
And finally, as a Christian, if your husband is a saved believer, you CAN offer correction on this issue. While it wouldn’t be right to insist on your own way, it IS right to point out Biblical error to our husbands. Once we’ve done that; however, we need to accept the outcome, and it may not always be a good one. God is in control of that too and will work it out for ultimate good if we trust Him. In the Bible, God’s people messed up ALL the time. God was able to bring beauty from ashes. http://visionarywomanhood.com/to-correct-or-not-to-correct-your-husband-a-pendulum-post/
I’m praying for your broken heart today.