About a year and a half ago I began getting together regularly with other women in destructive marriages. We would pray together. We did a lot of weeping and subsequent nose blowing. A lot of laughing. A lot of venting. It was a safe place where we could let out all the pent up emotions we had stuffed and hidden for so many years. We added to our numbers as the months passed, and we watched one another grow from weak, scared girls to stronger, braver women.
We all still have friendships with women who are not in destructive marriages, but it is difficult to share our burdens with them because they cannot fully enter into our pain. We are in a fish bowl experiencing all that it is to be in a fish bowl, while they are on the outside only imagining what life is like in the stagnant, dirty waters. When we try to share a small picture of that fish bowl life, there are no hooks in their paradigm for them to hang our experience. So we try to explain, but it only adds to the confusion.
But when we are together with others who know, explanations are not necessary. Sometimes just a look will tell a story that we have all lived. It is a safe place of relief. It is an oasis of healing. And we have healed.
But there are those who think we are bad girls. Bad girls getting together with other bad girls = badness of a mysterious kind. I’ve heard the gossip about how we are the gossipers. Isn’t Satan a clever little devil? We’ve been told we should be getting together with other women who have been in destructive marriages and triumphed over evil. If we could just rub shoulders with the victorious, we would be victorious. Victory being defined as happily married. When one of us asked this well-meaning man if he could find us some of these victorious women who have put their destructive marriages back together (by the grace of God, of course), he came up with a total of ZERO people.
So while we’re waiting for these amazing, spiritually bionic women to show up, we’ll just keep getting together – the group of us sick, hurting, slowly-healing women. Jesus came for the likes of us, so frankly, I think we’re in good company.
“And when Jesus heard it, he said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.” Mark 2:1
I have been suffering, and as I have suffered, my eyes have been opened to others who are suffering. I always knew of others who were suffering, but there is a difference in knowing of someone and then knowing that someone in truth. My own minor experiences with suffering kept me from being able to enter the suffering of others. But as I have personally suffered, I have found a new ability to enter others’ suffering as they have entered mine.
Enter is an interesting word for this phenomenon. My friends and I have gone through a doorway that brings us into each others’ suffering. We don’t sit outside peering in through a window. We sit in the room together, sharing the experience in a way that others who have not suffered cannot. There is a fellowship, a companionship, a comradery in this room of suffering in which we mutually sit. Paul calls this the fellowship of suffering.
Wendy Alsup, The Fellowship of Suffering
I wish I would have had a friend that understood. It would have helped alleviate a little more of the “I must be the crazy one” thoughts. I pray for your ministry and hope the Lord will use me one day to comfort as I have been comforted.
Thank you, Jeri.
What a blessing for you to have such a wonderful group! While I try to walk as best I can to walk alongside a struggling friend, I cannot fully understand and enter in with her. She needs a group like you have. May you all continue to grow stronger and wiser.
Hi Natalie,
I just found your blog a couple weeks ago. I too am one of those “bad girls”… recently divorced from a very destructive marriage. (Just wrote more about it today — http://gricefullyhomeschooling.com/2015/03/making-something-beautiful.html)
As a homeschool mom, I’m often judged and criticised for being in my position. Loads of people have walked out of my life because of my choice to not “stand” for my marriage (anymore). I appreciate so much you also sharing your story so that others can see this side of things. I do have a few local friends that understand… but most seem very much in a hurry to just replace their husband so they can fit in with the rest of the (couples) world. I wish I could come to your group.
Keep speaking out for us! I appreciate it!
I’m sorry you have had to feel so alone. Christians, of all people on the face of this planet, should be the MOST understanding, caring, and compassionate. Women get far more understanding in a secular women’s shelter. I wish you could come to our group too.
I can slightly identify with the “No one understands” “I must be crazy” feelings. Not because I’ve been through abuse, but because I’ve suffered from depression and panic attacks and had people tell me to just stop, or that if I trusted God, I wouldn’t be that way, etc. As a young teen, I had a pastor tell me that I was “committing the sin of unbelief” because I was struggling with my faith. I have had a lot of guilt over thinking that I am a weirdo or that God is displeased with my lack of faith. Now years later, I can finally talk about my experiences without feeling so ashamed and I’ve found that a lot of people have gone through emotional and mental battles. I still feel guilty at times for what I put my fiance(now-husband) and parents through, but my husband has always been very understanding and I think I’m starting to be able to forgive and accept myself.
Thank you for sharing a small piece of your story here, Tricia!
I just want to thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom, especially this series regarding destructive marriages. A year and a half ago my husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder, and he has recently decided he wants a divorce. While being married to a mentally ill person is not quite the same circumstance as being married to an abuser, wow, it certainly does have a lot in common! I’ve been blamed for EVERYthing. Even his family (also mentally ill) says that I am to blame, and must be abusive to have caused his problems. I’ve just been floored by all of these accusations, as well as the inability to defend myself (try reasoning with someone who is mentally ill)! The pain is near unbearable sometimes. While I have family and friends who are loving and supportive, they most definitely DON’T understand what it is like to be blamed like this, and left to homeschool 4 small children on my own (he actually expects me to homeschool and get a job outside the home so he doesn’t have to pay alimony). You have encouraged me lately, and I am so very thankful for that. It is good to know there are others out there who do understand.
It has a lot in common, Lia, because many mentally unstable people abuse others. I’m so sorry. My heart aches for you. I’m glad you are connecting here, and I hope you’ve had a chance to check out some of the other resources and blogs where you can get lots of support and encouragement from others. You are definitely not alone!
Yes. Yes!
change in relationships is inevitable,whether or not they last is dependent on the committement both are willing to make. It is easy to deflect ones insecurities and faults onto the spouse to justify ending a relationship. Sad state of affairs in todays culture.A wise man said instead of thinking the grass is greener on the other side why not water the grass in your own yard.
It appears to be easy to deflect ones insecurities and faults onto a spouse (or a blogger) to justify abusing them. Sad state of affairs in today’s culture. If I was married to you, change in relationship would most definitely be inevitable.
This blog is for women, by the way. Did you think the grass was greener over here?
You are in honest company and that is just right. <3
Whether a marriage survives is based more on the ability of BOTH partners to adapt to change.
If only one partner wants change, the marriage cannot survive.
My marriage went through a very rough patch. My husband was never abusive – but he was depressed and not taking care of himself. Because of that, I had to do everything for the both of us. This wasn’t healthy for me or him.
I clarified a boundary with my husband – he had six months to begin managing his health issues as an adult or I would legally separate from him. I explained that I loved him, but couldn’t watch him slowly over-work and self-medicate through eating until he died.
Because my husband wanted to change and I knew how to hold my ground, we’ve slowly, but steadily made progress over the last 4 months. It wasn’t easy for either of us, but working together we’ve started to rebuild what we almost lost. My husband is healthier than he’s been since we married and I’m enjoying my freedom to take care of myself.
If I never spoke up, our marriage would have died. If my husband refused to change, our marriage would have collapsed.
Anyone who implies that women can save their marriage w/o their husband working diligently besides them….may well be in the process of destroying their own marriage.
Good points, and I’m so glad to hear that your husband chose to work hard and heal your marriage! That is a testimony to God’s mercy and to man’s ability to make different, healthier choices.
Dear Natalie,
I am walking for God, married to a non-Christian. We have a committed, solid marriage with good communication, compromise, and understanding. There is an issue of lack of affection in our marriage that haunts me to my core. There is no longer any sexual attraction. My husband does not want me. There is no passion, and he basically ignores my advances. We have three children under ten, and our lives do have stress, but the reason I struggle to make it through the day is that I know I am no longer the object of his affection.
He had a vasectomy a year after our youngest was born in December of 2010. The following winter, he caught pneumonia and quit smoking. Ever since his vasectomy, our sex life has just fizzled. He is capable physically, but has no drive.
He IS a hard worker, but on the days he’s not working, and there are no children around (school), there are no advances.
I was just wondering…how long should I even attempt to get his affection? I feel as if I am wrong to even try, but I feel so sad! I am lonely, I miss my husband and our sex life, and I feel so sad and alone in all of this.
We talk about this openly, regularly, but…nothing.
I know that God is working patience in me right now, and I know that this will work for our good, but in the meantime I am really suffering and struggling with this inside.
I do other things to show him love, large and delicious home cooked meals, allowing him his way when it comes up that he wants to do or not do something, I support all of his ideas, and only really challenge his opinions when I feel I need to talk with him about it as a serious matter.
I pray for him daily, I have not developed much of an attitude as I am trying to stay sensitive to what God is trying to do between us, but I am going through prolapse therapy and I am more aroused than usual.
I would not lump us into dysfunction except that this has persisted for four years. It’s over half of our married life at this point. I really need prayer, and I am trying not to be angry with my husband, and I appreciate input.
Thank you.
A fellow Wemmick (?)
I’m so sorry for your pain. You say your marriage has understanding and compromise, but it sounds like it’s all on your end. One person doing all the giving is not real understanding or compromise. Withholding sex is abusive. If he has a physical issue, then he needs to take responsibility for himself and see a doctor. If it is an emotional issue, a therapist might help. But doing nothing is unacceptable behavior for an adult married man – Christian or not.
Withholding sex is working for your husband. He gets what he wants – and you get nothing. As long as you bend over backwards to give him everything he wants on a silver platter while getting nothing in return – his negligence will continue to work for him, giving him no reason to see his destructive behavior.
There is nothing you can do to change your husband, but there are things you can do to change yourself. One of those things is to be open to learning more about what a healthy marriage is supposed to look like so you can see where your marriage is dysfunctional. I recommend Leslie Vernick’s book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. Check out her website here: http://leslievernick.com/ and also check out the Cry for Justice website: http://cryingoutforjustice.com/
The more you know, the better equipped you’ll be to make the choices that are best for you and your kids.