I’ve been listening to Patrick Doyle lately. He’s a Christian counselor who has over 70 helpful talks on YouTube. He covers issues like destructive relationships, how to confront someone, how childhood abuse affects a victim as an adult, self-doubt, addiction, homosexuality, marriage, depression, and more.
I want to summarize one that is particularly helpful in explaining the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. It’s called How Reconciliation Works. This is a subject a lot of Christians are confused about. I know I was. Here’s the conventional Christian way of thinking:
When someone does something that is hurtful to you, you need to forgive and be good buddies anyway. Even if they aren’t sorry or continue to hurt you, your job is to overlook a multitude of sins, turn the other cheek, and never keep a record of wrongs. After all, that’s what the Bible says, right?
The only trouble is the Bible says a lot of other things about relationships too. And depending on what’s going on, we will need to respond in wisdom using all of the Word of God as our guide. Not just small parts. Especially not the small parts that people sometimes use as weapons to control and subdue others.
Patrick begins by pointing out something that has been a game changer for me. And it’s this: Forgiveness doesn’t = reconciliation. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate things. We can (and should) forgive those who sin against us. Forgiveness is something that takes place between the one who has been hurt and God. Did you catch that? Because I had to pause for a minute and wrap my brain around it. When someone hurts me, I go to God and work out the forgiveness part. Not the other person. I forgive, not to set the other person free – only God can save people. I forgive because God wants to set ME free!
This issue was always confusing to me because I thought forgiveness was letting the other person off the hook. Like, they could do something nasty toward me, and I’d forgive them. “Oh, no problemo. I forgive you. Dude, it’s all good.” And then they’d do something else nasty, and I’d forgive them. “Hey man, it’s okay. Just walk all over me with your crap-caked boots. My name is Creamy Shag Carpet.” They never had to be sorry. They never had to change. As long as I was doing my Christian duty, they could do whatever they wanted to. And all of this was supposed to eventually cause a metamorphosis in the other person and give God glory.
Right.
So if forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation, then what is reconciliation, and when do we do it?
Reconciliation is when you take a damaged relationship and heal it. When people go through the reconciliation process right, the relationship has the potential to be even stronger than it was before. Conversely, when the reconciliation process is circumvented by well-meaning but “patch-it-up-quick” folks, the hurt party can become resentful over time, and the relationship isn’t healed; it’s more deeply damaged.
Reconciliation is not a requirement. It’s the desired outcome, but it can only truly take place when four things have happened:
One: The Offender is Convicted by God
How many times do we take things into our own hands and try to play the part of the Holy Spirit? Both of my hands are raised. Big mistake. Because putting pressure on someone to be convicted is a wasted effort. It’s not even real conviction. The person may go through hoops to get you to calm down or go back to status quo, but they will never, ever, ever, ever change because you pressured them to change. Ever. So why try? Conviction is a work of the Holy Spirit, so let Him do it. And if the other person is never convicted of their sin, that’s an important piece of information about their spiritual health which will help you make future decisions about your relationship with them. Don’t ignore it or make light of it. To never be convicted is serious business. (Self-reflect here. “When was the last time I was convicted and said I was sorry for something specific I did to hurt someone else?” Hint: It should be less than 24 hours unless your name is Jesus Christ.)
When a person is convicted by God about his/her sin, they are convicted about specifics, not generalities. Has anyone ever said to you, “I’m sorry I hurt you all these years.” And then expect you to forgive and forget? All is well – let’s move on? As I tell my kids, “Sorry, but sorry doesn’t cut it.” A person who is convicted by the Holy Spirit will be remorseful over the specific things they have done without anyone else telling them what those things are!
So it’s never going to go like this: “Hey, just tell me what I did wrong! I’m sorry! I SAID I WAS SORRY! How am I supposed to know what I did wrong if you don’t tell me?” That is not Holy Spirit inspired. That isn’t a person who has any self-awareness or insight into his/her effect on others.
When we hurt someone, we need to humble ourselves and own our sin. God says “a broken and contrite heart I will not despise.” (Psalm 51:17) Contrition is brokenness over sin. It recognizes that I have failed. I have no rights. I’m wrong. I will take responsibility and change my behavior.
Without this conviction piece, you won’t be able to reconcile with them. Patrick Doyle puts it this way: “There is no hope for reconciliation.” Think about it logically. Is the relationship healed when the offender refuses to repent?
This next part was my Big Lesson in 2015, and God has been trying to teach me this for three decades. I’m a slow learner. I knew it intellectually before 2015, but I didn’t believe it in my heart. I didn’t really surrender anything before last fall. Here is the lesson, and it has two parts: what the offended should never do and what the offended must do.
- The one who is offended must never become the convicter. They need to quit going to the other person in an attempt to deal with them. That is the Holy Spirit’s job.
- The one who is offended absolutely must put the relationship on the alter and be willing to let it go. Patrick says “The most loving thing you can do to an offender is give them a boundary.” When you give an unrepentant offender a boundary, they fling their stuff on you and go running the other direction! So you have to be willing to say goodbye. Until you are, you’ll be stuck trying to make it work by yourself, and that will mean pretending, placating, avoiding, and stuffing. You think that’s a real relationship?
I’ve idolized people, and I’ve wanted their love and approval more than I wanted God and His approval. I had to have the acceptance and even admiration of others. In my closest relationships since childhood, I have not been willing to let go. I have not wanted to detach. There was something broken in me that had to hang on to those relationships even though I was being used, and they were destructive. And I loved God desperately! But you see, He sees our hearts, and He knew I didn’t love Him as desperately as I loved approval and acceptance. He wants all of us. Every corner of our being. The wide open spaces and the dark hidden crevices.
I’m not sure I could make all of this click on my own. I tried, and I couldn’t “get it.” But finally God flipped on the light switch, and everything fell into place. It made sense, and now I was ready. I let go. Really and truly. And I was FREE! But it did have to be a God-given empowerment. God-given courage. It’s been several months now since I let go, and those months have progressively moved me in a new, healthier direction in all of my relationships. It has also helped me see more clearly what to keep and what to let go.
Did I only cover one step? This is getting too long. The next step is all about how you can tell if someone is really sorry. I recommend that you go listen to his talk yourself HERE. And if you benefit from that talk, you can listen to bunches more HERE. For specific recommendations, see my About page.
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The statement about idolizing people hit home for me. In some sense it is easy to say I don’t do that. I was never one to do things to get people’s approval and I didn’t mind being different — couldn’t mind it because I always was. But at the same time I am a very loyal person and I don’t give up on relationships. I can’t say that other than in my marriage relationship I’ve felt I’ve been in a bad relationship that I didn’t want to give up on. But I am seeing now that in one relationship (not my husband) if I was forced to give up that relationship in exchange for God’s approval, it might be hard. I really value the approval and the love of this person. But I know that God is the only one that will never let me down and that truly wants the best for me. Everyone else is weak and has faults.
Thanks so much for the reminder that I am not my husband’s Holy Spirit. It saddens me greatly when I see him repeatedly refuse to try and work on our relationship or even acknowledge that he has played any role in the problems. Several resources lately, including your website, are pushing me to see that he seems to have a problem with being open to learning and growing and that saddens me terribly because that’s not what I want for him. It’s so hard not to beg “Won’t you read this? Or listen to this? It sheds light on our challenges and maybe could help us build a true marriage.” But I’ve been getting better. I never thought that I could really have peace knowing that he no longer loves me and thinks his decision to marry me was a mistake, but amazingly I am starting to get some sense of peace. It is really true that only God can give that peace.
I will check out the video but I am also looking forward to your next article in this series.
It is a long and painful process to come to a place of acceptance. Give yourself time. God can give that peace – and He will. Sometimes it takes a while, and it can be up and down, too. He is with you through it all, though. I’ve been meditating on Psalm 31 these past two weeks. Do check out the videos; it helps to hear this over and over again.
Wow! Eye opening and heart and mind opening…thank you. Peace and God’s love be with each of us/all of us. Julie
I’m going to comment when it involves our husbands. I pray that all those who truly suffer at the hands of an abuser don’t feel invalidated. But…for anyone who is unsure and somewhere in a vague place, this is for you.
I’m reading The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessenger and my eyes have been humbly opened. I honestly thought my husband was cruel and emotionally abusive ~ I was almost sure of it. I say almost because there was always this vague feeling of doubt. With the exception of narcissist or sociopath, most men are simple creatures. And if this book doesn’t help most marriages recover from the brink, all will not be lost. Perhaps it will aid in the health of a future relationship.
Caveat “If your husband is physically abusive, or if he degrades and is cruel to you as a rule, then this post is not applicable. Most husbands, however, are not physically abusive nor willfully cruel. Most husbands are generally decent guys.” Leila@LittleCatholicBubble So, “as a rule” and “willfully” are important.
The author is Dr. Laura Slessinger who is devoutly Jewish. So far as a Christian Catholic, the only conflict or difference is that alcoholism and adultery are deal breakers. No always so for us.
So, for anyone who reads your wise words, and isn’t sure where their relationship falls, it is my prayer that they give it a try before making any rash judgments or decisions about their marriages.
God bless you and I am praying for you and that God may restore what has been lost. I pray that my words do no harm. It’s one of those times when you know you must get the word out, but it’s also risky.
I read her book many years ago. It’s a good book for “normal” marriages, but yes, it can harm women with a destructive spouse. Bending over backwards to “care for and feed” an abusive man (or woman) often worsens the situation. It’s like throwing gasoline on a fire.
Thank you so much for this. I have had people tell me I need to forgive my offender and no matter how much I say I have it doesn’t seem to be the answer they were looking for. Now I see that they were pushing for reconciliation of the forgive-and-forget kind. My offender told me I was playing the victim when I kindly but firmly tried to explain the hurts he had done. I saw that as a relationship breaker and my husband supported me.(it was a family member on my side) He still has not repented just felt lonely and “sorry” about our separation. I had to give it to God this past Christmas as the holiday made the separation painful on my side. I want to be reconciled but only in the safety of God convicting them of the sins they have committed. It sounds harsh to some people but until he feels internally what he has done further relationship would just turn into his playing the nice guy until I accepted him into my life again and once he felt secure the nasty treatment would begin all over again as it has all the time I have tried to forgive and reconcile many time in the past.
Stand strong, Colleen, in the insanity around you. You are doing the right thing.
Thank you
After the conversation I had yesterday (that left me in complete despair) this was a badly needed breath of fresh truth. Think you wrote this one just for me.
((hugs))
Thank you for posting this. I’ve been listening to Patrick Doyle’s interviews along with other ministries ‘that get it’ and like you have realized I’ve been a slow learner but only because I was always giving the abuser(s) the benefit of the doubt. I still fall into that trap and am ‘very slowly’ gaining strength to feel whole again.
It’s painful to acknowledge that as I gain strength my abuser(s) are okay with this because they are waiting for “me” to leave so they can carry on with their lives without me or at least point the finger at me for leaving.
One day you will get to the place where you are okay with that. I think I’m almost there, and it is an incredible, freeing feeling. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. 🙂
Several years ago my mom stopped talking to me. Not the first time she has done that.I begged her to tell me why but I never got an answer. Several months later she phoned and the first thing she said was “I don’t like your behavior”. I was taken aback to say the least. She then told me what she wasnt happy about. The incidents happened almost a year before and at the time I explained why I made the decisions. I stand by them today. She wouldn’t accept it. For the next several years I got abusive letters from my dad and a few of my siblings. I told them over and over again that I was sorry I hurt them but they wouldn’t accept it. In your column you have stated that this wasn’t the Holy Spirit inspired. Even before I knew what was wrong I apologised if I upset them and got no response. Was I wrong in all this? At Christmas with the help of my husband I went to see them. My dad laughed at me and made a couple of snide remarks. My mom dismissed how upset I was. She feels that even though she knows what she did was wrong and the incidents really were nothing (apparently they had more complaints about me that they didn’t tell me) this is the way she is, she is sorry, what can she say to make it better and she is not responsible for what my siblings wrote to me. My husband and I walked away agreeing between the two of us to keep our distance. I have kept in contact with my parents but only to ask how they are but no real conversations. I poured out my heart to them; telling them how I feel but they laughed and as per usual since I was little told me I was crazy. I always adored my dad and had a good relationship with my mom aware of their week nested but overlooking them. Reading your article had confused me in thinking I am wrong. I always believed that if I apologized for hurting someone even if I didn’t genuinely know what it was and that person was still upset then it was there problem not mine. I’m not a mean person. It bothers me to the point of anxiety if I upset someone. Could you clarify what you mean from your article and I look forward to the next one on this topic because this interest me a great deal. I care deeply about people and when I do I find out I’ve been manipulated by them and they turn their back on me thinking it’s ok. It’s happened severl times to the point I don’t trust people. I’ve always been an introvert so it has affected me deeply but I’m stronger now because my husband and children are awesome. Sorry for such a long post.
I am sorry this article was confusing. Whenever we sin against someone, we should go to them, confess our sin, and ask for forgiveness. Usually this begins the process of reconciliation with the other person, but not always. The other person may choose not to forgive. They may choose to end the relationship or to hold a grudge or to believe lies. What they choose to do is between them and God. But if we have done our part in love and humility, we are free to move on.
Reconciliation is the restoration of a broken relationship, and it requires both parties. It sounds like you have done what you could to make things right, but your family members, for whatever reason, have chosen to discard your relationship with them. It is hard to say good bye to relationships that have been important to us in the past, and there is grieving process. It hurts. Let yourself feel that pain – and even feel the anger associated with the feeling of powerlessness over not being able to fix it. You may feel anger at the injustice involved. Eventually you will get past the pain and the anger to a place of acceptance and healing. When you say you don’t trust manipulative people, that is good. We shouldn’t trust everyone. Manipulative people have the potential to destroy us if we let them. That isn’t God’s desire for you or for them.
It is wonderful that you have a supportive husband and children. Pour all that love inside of you – into those relationships, and God will care for your hurting heart.
Loretta,
If you did something right, and your parents were hurt by it, and tried to manipulate you – which is what this sounds like – you don’t have anything to feel sorry about. You did not need to apologize, which is why you made a general apology, “I’m sorry that you were hurt”, rather than the specific, “Please forgive me for doing….I was wrong”
Go ahead and wait for God to do whatever He will do, while you get on with following Him.
Natalie is totally on point, Jesus on the cross said “Father forgive them…” and though some in the crowd were reconciled to Him later, having been convicted of their sin, many were not.
Hi Loretta,
We are all so human, aren’t we? I’ve apologized for handling things wrongly only to find I was never forgiven (or in one case, maybe over a decade later–a complicated case). I’ve realized that some people simply DO NOT LIKE ME, and so any offense becomes a lifelong one, a reason to not talk to someone who was never cool enough anyway. (Again, this is not saying to not do what we can.)
It’s hard when parents are the most childish ones in a situation, isn’t it? I am walking that road myself right now, and as a result I am scaling back contact.
You say, “It bothers me to the point of anxiety if I upset someone.” This used to be me, 100%, and God has really shaken things up 🙂 so that is no longer the case.
A biblical response, I think, is neither groveling nor pridefully saying “I didn’t do anything wrong.” (As the blog author mentioned, we should be repenting regularly.) It is being *able to LIVE with* the current brokenness. I remember apologizing to someone in a dorm too early in the morning because I was upset that she was upset. I couldn’t let it rest until later.
People are where they are, and when they are not ready for reconciliation there is nothing we can do. I hope that you will also come to peace with how things are, while praying for future change.
This is a very broad subject, and I am looking forward to listening to some of these. But I am realizing that when people either never initiate contact EVER, or when they maintain their right to say what they want, when they want, with impunity, they do not want a relationship or reconciling. For me to continue to ache for it is only hurting me and sometimes it’s time to give them what they want. Distance.
The anxiety you are experiencing is not from God, who gives peace (though He convicts). You may want to share some of this with a trusted counselor (a source of shame in fundamentalist circles–but I am overcoming it and have already been helped by it) or mentor (but the mentor MUST understand that there are complexities beyond “just love them”).
So true.
I heard Hal Lindsey speak on this subject, and he said forthrightly, “Reconciliation is not possible until the barriers to relationship have been removed.” For those who may be are interested, I have a post on my blog on this subject entitled, “The Truth About Reconciliation.” It can be found here: http://www.hurtbylove.com/the-truth-about-reconciliation/
I am not trying to hog the spotlight here; I just thought additional information on this important subject might be helpful.
All the best,
Cindy
I’m glad you linked, Cindy!
My abuser often likes to quote the Bible at me and tell me I have to forgive. I know that as a Christian, I should forgive, and so this confuses me. However, the other day I found a small victory!
This time he quoted Luke 17: “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”
So clearly I must forgive him every time he says he is sorry, right?
Not so fast. It clearly says, “if your brother sins, REBUKE him.” A “rebuke,” which is not the same thing as a punishment, is appropriate when someone sins against you. Putting up boundaries between you and another is one way to “rebuke” someone who hurts you.
Then it says, “and IF he repents, forgive him.” Jesus’ command to forgive is conditional on the person repenting. As Natalie said, repenting is not as simple as saying sorry. It’s a sincere change in direction prompted by conviction in the Holy Spirit.
This makes sense because God does not forgive us unconditionally. His unconditional grace for sinners is only imparted through Jesus’ death on the cross, and we cannot have that grace unless we first repent and believe. Only then can our relationship with God be restored.
The verses you quoted speak to our forgiving someone who is repentant. The parable in Matthew 18 about the unforgiving slave illustrates what forgiveness actually is from a practical stand point. It’s a “letting go” of the wrong done. Not so that justice will never be served, but so that TRUE justice can take place. Only God knows what real justice looks like in any given situation. But He promises to avenge every wrong done – either on the perpetrator (unrepentant) or on His Son, Jesus Christ (for those who repent).
So when we “forgive” an unrepentant person, we are not letting them off the hook. We are giving them over to God for His justice to take place in their lives. It’s a transaction between us and God. “Lord, I give this man to You. You do with him as You see fit. He is an unrepentant abusive individual. Do Your thing – whatever it is, but may justice be served.” Then you set a boundary to protect yourself from that person. Sometimes that means leaving. Of course they will accuse you of “not forgiving.” But that’s just par for the course, right? You can respectfully say, “Between God and myself – I forgive you. I will not take vengeance on you. I’m letting God take care of that, and He will, if you don’t repent. But just because I forgive you doesn’t mean we are reconciled. I’m praying for you, and I hope you will repent so we can be reconciled and have a relationship. Until then, I can’t be with you.” Just an example – but I hope it helps a little. 🙂
I’m still confused still about when you really don’t know what you did. I have a situation where I noticed a distance from a person in my life so I just asked why and she at first lied and said things were fine in person but then later sent a text saying she couldn’t trust me so she was moving on but that she forgave me. Basically didn’t need my friendship. I asked why and told her I was confused. And Her response was I guess we can agree to disagree??? You stated this was not of the Holy Spirit on my part? I really honestly do not know what I did. This person is much younger than me and I when she came into my life I took her under my wing and loved her the best I knew how. Saying that she couldn’t trust me is a lie. She not an easy person to love but I have made sure I loved her with Grace. So am I wrong?
I don’t know the details, but it sounds like you’ve done what you could. If she no longer wants to be in relationship with you, you can let her go.
First off some of this article is not biblical the bible clearly state that we should confess our sins one to another. And if God didnt want us to say or ask what we did wrong he wouldnt have never asked us to confess our sins one to another. Yeah how do i know if i did something wrong if no one brings it to my attention instead of speaking in riddles and codes they need to come out and say it so i and whoever may need to repent. Because if you ask me theres unitentionally sin and theres unknowingly sin and what if that person was a child who knew no right from wrong at the time. Now what when a child acts up that loving mother or father will chastise that child for doing wrong but the father or mother just dont up and chastise a child they tell that child why and the reason for the chastisement they bring that to the childs attention of what they did wrong. God love me and everybody else he know the matter of the hearts and if ive done wrong God will reprove me but in his word he say its better to not to know than to know the things we ought to do but dont do it its sin. Those who know whats right and yet to do it will be whipped with a many stripes. So my point is this if i dont know the law of God as a child and i break one of the laws written therein then my chastisment will not be so severe than the person who knows the law and break it.
So if you ask me yeah we all want to know what weve done wrong bring it to our attention this helps with the repentance process. How can a person know they were wrong unless someone bring it to their attention. And how could that person repent without knowing the facts of what they did was wrong especially if they were a child at the time.
This goes for the adults to. We can say something and we dont mean or intent to hurt anybody. Yes if ive sin please point it out so that my soul may be delivered out of hell so that i may repent. Example the guy who took my child hood from me by sexually molesting me might have not known that he hurt me because he doesnt realize what heve done until i go to him and say hey you hurt me by having sex with me at such a young age and he will be like hey i didnt know but guess what we have some insane people walking around who do the same thing but expect different results.
If i can stress this further i would but im growing tired now so this is it.
I was writing about situations where only one party is interested in talking things through and owning the responsibility for their stuff. In a normal, healthy relationship, there is mutual confession of sin and repentance. We can go to the other person and say, “When you did this _____, it hurt.” And the other person will respond with love and care. But in an abusive situation, the other person can’t admit to sin or confess it. They are not being taught by the Holy Spirit. So Patrick Doyle’s point is that when a person is humble, they are open to hearing the Holy Spirit and recognizing what they’ve done that is wrong.
Let me put it another way. If I say something sarcastic to you, and you point it out to me and tell me it hurt, I need to be convicted by the Holy Spirit that speaking sarcastically is wrong and harmful to you. Your pointing it out may or may not convict me. But if I’m a Christian, the Holy Spirit will show me that I’ve hurt you, and if I am His child, and I want to show love, I will admit that I’ve done that and repent of it.
I hope that makes sense! 🙂
I am so tired of being hurt, of asking God why did this person who I loved, trusted, believed in and shared my heart with become someone I didn’t even know, an offender I trying to push through to wholeness, but I understand it is totally God , it is through Him I can have the strength to overcome. Thank you and Blessings to someone who is a peace maker.
This was a very timely message. My siblings and I have been walking the forgiveness path, with varying degrees of success, for most of our lives. Our dad was absentee at best, and abusive the rest of the time. He passed away this morning after having Alzheimer’s for several years. I forgave him years ago but his family couldn’t understand why I didn’t try to have a relationship with him. Reconciliation wasn’t possible because my dad’s heart was not convicted. Thank you for a great reminder. I’m going to go hug my kids, for no particular reason. 🙂
I am sorry for your loss – your deep, life-long loss as well as your fresh loss of any hope that things could ever be different. 🙁
I’m going to challenge you on one statement that I think you learned from growing up in a very misogynistic culture. You say (frequently) that “I am a slow learner.”
Are you really a slow learner?
I don’t see any indications of a learning disability in you. You don’t seem to have a cognitive impairment. You moved with impressive quickness to remove yourself and your children from a toxic environment once your realized what was going on in your home. From that, I suspect you are an above average speed learner. The difference is that you were taught a load of poisonous crap for years. You’re not slow at unlearning that; you have a lot of crap to sort through.
.Great teachings and thoughts
Thank you for a well written article. A whole year of conflict with my sister has left my family exhausted by the chaos, divided in loyalties, and hurt beyond words. We had been praying for reconciliation, but recently felt that it was wrong-headed, and have had to surrender the relationship – and its outcome – to God. It has been a difficult task to keep aligning my heart to forgiveness when I’ve been slandered, threatened, and verbally abused. With God’s help, I’ll continue to trust His wisdom. Pray for me (us)?
Forgiveness is a process. God sees, knows, and understands. Be gentle with yourself. You are loved.