In no particular order.
1. Let them make most or all of their own decisions from the time they are 9 months old.
2. Teach them the world revolves around them, and you exist solely to accommodate their every wish and whim.
3. Pretend you don’t notice when they take a toy from another child.
4. Make excuses for them when they hit other children. You don’t want them to learn empathy.
5. Act like a confused idiot when they hit you. You want to give them the impression that they are bigger than you at all times. You never want them to have respect for you or anyone else.
6. Let other people deal with their shenanigans. Ignore all the uncomfortable warning signs that infringe on your life.
7. When they argue with you, back down to keep the peace. Let them know they are in power.
8. Never overtly confront. Beat around the bush whenever you need to correct them. Be prepared to immediately give up all ground if they start to get upset or defensive.
9. Don’t get to know them. Don’t spend time with them talking about their lives and asking questions. Immerse yourself in your own life. It will help numb the pain of watching your child turn into a monster.
10. Make sure they believe in an emasculated God who just loves on everyone in the whole wide world. Or no God. Either one works.
11. Whine (it irritates the crap out of them). But never, EVER get a back bone. They might start to admire someone outside of themselves.
12. When they make a mistake, pick up the pieces for them and cover up any and all failures. Don’t let them think they should have to make any effort. Encourage them and coddle them.
13. Teach them that character is outdated, and outward perceptions rule. Fooling everyone around you is paramount to success.
14. Defend them at all times. Bail them out when they run into financial difficulty. Keep them as passive as possible when it comes to problem solving.
15. When they have relationship problems, teach them to blame it on others.
16. Foster a prideful, entitlement mentality. Everyone exists to make them happy.
17. Never have deep conversations. Keep everything on the surface where it is safe.
18. Don’t teach them the law of sowing and reaping. If you want to touch on it, teach them that it doesn’t matter what – or even if – they sow. All that matters is that others bring in the sheaves and lay them at their feet.
19. Their mantra in life absolutely must be, “It isn’t my responsibility. It’s yours.”
20. Don’t give them any self-respect, and for SURE don’t teach them how to be self-aware. Yet, at the same time, have them so absorbed in themselves that they cannot see anyone else. You don’t want them to experience intimacy in any relationships.
Wasn’t that fun? If you enjoy reading about how to create dysfunction and relational chaos in your family and the future families of your posterity, you’ll also love How to Raise a Future Victim of Abuse in 20 Easy Steps.
If dysfunction isn’t your cup of tea, have no fear. I’ll talk about raising a normal Wemmick next time! (whatever that is.)