Written by Natalie, Editress of Visionary Womanhood
The following journal entries were written in November-December 2006 during a brief pregnancy that I ultimately lost. This was my third of five losses—and my ninth pregnancy.
November 15, 2006
I found out yesterday that I am pregnant! I don’t know why—but I feel the favor of God upon me when I’m carrying a baby.
November 26, 2006
I sent **** an email overflowing with joy and thankfulness for this life God has given to me. I am so happy! She responded by bringing up others who are so miserable—either made so by their own choices or some by circumstances outside of their control. She encouraged me to be mindful of these.
It pricked my balloon of joy. I know she is one who shares my joy—so I felt safe in letting it bubble out to her. Around the “miserable ones” I have to lock it up lest they be hurt by the contrast between us. I’ve been a “miserable one” myself. Countless times. Even now I face trials of the garden variety that sorely tempt me to misery. I know that road, and I do ache for people on it, whether by their own foolishness or by God’s providential choosing.
But can I not revel in today? The joy and even happiness I feel today—without the cold reminder of MISERY? What should my response be to this?
Awk. It doesn’t matter. If I stay pregnant I will soon be a miserable one again. Sick, tired, and in lots of pain. And if I lose the baby I will be in even deeper misery. So my day in the sun is soon over. And greater storms than these may await me in 2007. Better get to praying.
30 minutes later
I read my portion of Richard Baxter, chapter six of Hebrews, and then a chapter of Urbane and His Friends (Antiochus)—and OH! God spoke directly to my wonderings! He is so involved! So ready to give of Himself. So willing to pour out His wisdom and comfort and love to us! How can we help but run to Him in all our troubles?
He is the source of all joy—even in the worst times.
“When I think of Christ, and of what He is, and what He has done and is doing, I do feel on the wing of love and praise. But when I think of myself, I see nothing but human weakness and folly, and so the less I see of myself, the happier I am.”
“When I think of the possibility of your dying or of our losing the children, I am filled with horror. I know I could never bear it.”
“God does not give His grace to meet our imagined evils. I have no doubt He will enable you to bear any real sorrow or trial He sends to you.” —Urbane and His Friends
November 30, 2006
I am still not sick with this pregnancy. I’m over 6 weeks and feeling great. This does not bode well within my heart. I think the baby is gone. I would love to believe that God is answering the kids’ prayers that I won’t get sick (no, I did not put them up to praying that!) but I’m afraid that if I rest in THAT, then when (if) I have a miscarriage I will feel the fool.
My body is very predictable and clock-workish—so this is unusual, and what else can I think, but that this baby is no longer growing within me? I know You are able to give me a baby and keep me from getting sick as well. And I know You love to give good things to Your children. But I also know we grow and are stretched in our faith through pain and trial. So which way this will go is beyond my knowledge or understanding.
“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope (no matter which way it goes). The Lord’s loving kindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness!” (Lamentations 3:21)
“So be still my soul and wait for the Lord.”
December 3, 2006
I started feeling a little sick yesterday—enough for hope to flood my heart with its light and warmth. I slept peacefully last night—and woke up spotting. So that cold, sad feeling is back. And the not knowing, yet kind of knowing, that this is not going anywhere happy. (Until heaven, that is.)
I read today “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen…and without faith it is impossible to please God…” (Hebrews 12:11)
I trust that this life has purpose, whether only in heaven or also for a time here on earth. I put my hope, my baby, my own life, my sinful self (who doesn’t deserve another baby anyway) in the arms of Jesus Who is able to keep what I have entrusted to Him until That Day.
He will give me grace to accept a loss – to go to ****’s party today and be cheerful – to love the little ones I do have around me – to be patient and to wait on Him. Our family is also sick with a cold virus, so there is that “mini-trial” going on as well. But there is grace for that too.
December 5, 2006
I cramped horribly on Sunday and Monday and finally passed the baby part last night. Joe buried it somewhere – I don’t know where. I was cold and sad yesterday, but today I am feeling hopeful and motivated again. I look at all my children as total miracles.
“Trouble and sorrow are not near of kin. Trouble distrusteth God, and even wears upon her brow the seal of many cares. But sorrow oft has deepest peace within. She sits with patience in perpetual calm, waiting till heaven shall send the healing balm.” (I didn’t record where this quote came from.)
“If, at the outset we so receive Christ as to be enfolded in His righteousness and to abide in Him, we shall not find this world a perpetual wilderness, although we meet in it with sorrow. The character of God is in nowise altered by what He sees to inflict upon us, and the loyal soul will be true to Him, even while He seems to be slaying it.” (Again, I did not record the source of this quote.)
“What do you consider the true attitude in which to meet sorrow?”
“I would have it met, first, in faith. ‘This is the will of my Father.’ Second, in submission. ‘Thy will be done.’ This spirit silences complaint and in time brings perfect peace.” (Urbane and His Friends)
“We must keep in mind how very short life is, and how little difference it makes what changes befall, or who goes first, or who is spared to stay behind a little while alone. It is only the difference of one rising in the morning a little earlier, and the other lying and sleeping a little longer. We shall all be up and abroad in a short time, enjoying the morning sunshine. Whether the bed be harder or softer, the room smaller or larger in this brief interval, is not of much consequence.” (Urbane and His Friends)