Written by Natalie, Editress of Visionary Womanhood
The following journal entries were written in November-December 2006 during a brief pregnancy that I ultimately lost. This was my third of five losses—and my ninth pregnancy.
November 15, 2006
I found out yesterday that I am pregnant! I don’t know why—but I feel the favor of God upon me when I’m carrying a baby.
November 26, 2006
I sent **** an email overflowing with joy and thankfulness for this life God has given to me. I am so happy! She responded by bringing up others who are so miserable—either made so by their own choices or some by circumstances outside of their control. She encouraged me to be mindful of these.
It pricked my balloon of joy. I know she is one who shares my joy—so I felt safe in letting it bubble out to her. Around the “miserable ones” I have to lock it up lest they be hurt by the contrast between us. I’ve been a “miserable one” myself. Countless times. Even now I face trials of the garden variety that sorely tempt me to misery. I know that road, and I do ache for people on it, whether by their own foolishness or by God’s providential choosing.
But can I not revel in today? The joy and even happiness I feel today—without the cold reminder of MISERY? What should my response be to this?
Awk. It doesn’t matter. If I stay pregnant I will soon be a miserable one again. Sick, tired, and in lots of pain. And if I lose the baby I will be in even deeper misery. So my day in the sun is soon over. And greater storms than these may await me in 2007. Better get to praying.
30 minutes later
I read my portion of Richard Baxter, chapter six of Hebrews, and then a chapter of Urbane and His Friends (Antiochus)—and OH! God spoke directly to my wonderings! He is so involved! So ready to give of Himself. So willing to pour out His wisdom and comfort and love to us! How can we help but run to Him in all our troubles?
He is the source of all joy—even in the worst times.
“When I think of Christ, and of what He is, and what He has done and is doing, I do feel on the wing of love and praise. But when I think of myself, I see nothing but human weakness and folly, and so the less I see of myself, the happier I am.”
“When I think of the possibility of your dying or of our losing the children, I am filled with horror. I know I could never bear it.”
“God does not give His grace to meet our imagined evils. I have no doubt He will enable you to bear any real sorrow or trial He sends to you.” —Urbane and His Friends
November 30, 2006
I am still not sick with this pregnancy. I’m over 6 weeks and feeling great. This does not bode well within my heart. I think the baby is gone. I would love to believe that God is answering the kids’ prayers that I won’t get sick (no, I did not put them up to praying that!) but I’m afraid that if I rest in THAT, then when (if) I have a miscarriage I will feel the fool.
My body is very predictable and clock-workish—so this is unusual, and what else can I think, but that this baby is no longer growing within me? I know You are able to give me a baby and keep me from getting sick as well. And I know You love to give good things to Your children. But I also know we grow and are stretched in our faith through pain and trial. So which way this will go is beyond my knowledge or understanding.
“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope (no matter which way it goes). The Lord’s loving kindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness!” (Lamentations 3:21)
“So be still my soul and wait for the Lord.”
December 3, 2006
I started feeling a little sick yesterday—enough for hope to flood my heart with its light and warmth. I slept peacefully last night—and woke up spotting. So that cold, sad feeling is back. And the not knowing, yet kind of knowing, that this is not going anywhere happy. (Until heaven, that is.)
I read today “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen…and without faith it is impossible to please God…” (Hebrews 12:11)
I trust that this life has purpose, whether only in heaven or also for a time here on earth. I put my hope, my baby, my own life, my sinful self (who doesn’t deserve another baby anyway) in the arms of Jesus Who is able to keep what I have entrusted to Him until That Day.
He will give me grace to accept a loss – to go to ****’s party today and be cheerful – to love the little ones I do have around me – to be patient and to wait on Him. Our family is also sick with a cold virus, so there is that “mini-trial” going on as well. But there is grace for that too.
December 5, 2006
I cramped horribly on Sunday and Monday and finally passed the baby part last night. Joe buried it somewhere – I don’t know where. I was cold and sad yesterday, but today I am feeling hopeful and motivated again. I look at all my children as total miracles.
“Trouble and sorrow are not near of kin. Trouble distrusteth God, and even wears upon her brow the seal of many cares. But sorrow oft has deepest peace within. She sits with patience in perpetual calm, waiting till heaven shall send the healing balm.” (I didn’t record where this quote came from.)
“If, at the outset we so receive Christ as to be enfolded in His righteousness and to abide in Him, we shall not find this world a perpetual wilderness, although we meet in it with sorrow. The character of God is in nowise altered by what He sees to inflict upon us, and the loyal soul will be true to Him, even while He seems to be slaying it.” (Again, I did not record the source of this quote.)
“What do you consider the true attitude in which to meet sorrow?”
“I would have it met, first, in faith. ‘This is the will of my Father.’ Second, in submission. ‘Thy will be done.’ This spirit silences complaint and in time brings perfect peace.” (Urbane and His Friends)
“We must keep in mind how very short life is, and how little difference it makes what changes befall, or who goes first, or who is spared to stay behind a little while alone. It is only the difference of one rising in the morning a little earlier, and the other lying and sleeping a little longer. We shall all be up and abroad in a short time, enjoying the morning sunshine. Whether the bed be harder or softer, the room smaller or larger in this brief interval, is not of much consequence.” (Urbane and His Friends)
Thanks for posting this. I’m going through my 2nd miscarriage (10th pregnancy) right now. With my other loss, I felt a decreasing in symptoms but this time I didn’t. The discovery of no heartbeat after having seen a beautiful heartbeat at 8 weeks was shocking. Your post is beautifully written and so appropriate for me today
Rachel, my heart goes out to you this morning. Heavenly Father, I pray that You would pour out healing on Rachel’s spirit today. Give her a sense of Your nearness and Your strength. Give her grace to embrace this moment in time that includes loss of a treasured child – as from Your hand. Thank You that this precious baby You formed with delight and anticipation of its eternal destiny – is not lost forever – but in Your safe keeping: the very best place for any of us to be. Fulfill all Your great purpose for his/her existence, and I pray that You would also fulfill an awesome purpose in Rachel’s life through this new emptiness. Fill her up with You. In the Name of Jesus and for His ultimate glory I ask these things, Amen.
Beautiful! Total dependence on God, no matter what befalls us. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for journaling so that through your loss you could share with others. Trying to grasp the reality of this miscarriage has made for a hard week, my third little one to rest in the arms of God. I too need to find rest and comfort there. It spurs me on to cherish anew the 6 little lives I do have here beside me, but deep within there are tears and my heart aches.
Deborah, I will be praying for you today.
“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” 2 Cor. 4:16-18
Thank you for sharing this. One miscarriage after another for us has left me feeling discouraged and I often find myself joyless. But the reminder in your entry that “He is the source of all joy, even in the worst times” is a comfort to my heart. Going through a miscarriage(s) is so heartbreaking – but I remind myself that God’s ways and timing are perfect. And knowing that those souls are in Heaven with Him makes me look forward to Heaven all the more!
Psalms 71:20-21 You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again.
May Christ work this out in your life, Diane. I’m praying for you tonight.
I don’t know if this is the right place to post this, but miscarriage is near to my heart. I am currently 18 weeks with my 6th living child, but not without a lot of heartache in the last few years. I had my first 5 without miscarriage, but have technically had 5 miscarriages in the course of 15 months or so. Two of them were back to back miscarriages at 14 weeks. Two hospital deliveries, leaving empty handed.
After the age of 35, I think a lot of us presume that our losses were chromosomal. Both my 14 week losses were normal, according to the report. I do not have an incompetent cervix, or a progesterone issue. After putting some puzzle pieces together, my OB decided that I needed blood thinners to protect the cord and placenta from blood clots. I share this because there seems to be a lot of women out there with multiple, unexplained losses. Many of them have been through much more than I have. Doctors don’t always do testing when they should… As is turns out, all of my tests have come back normal, but this does not mean that I do not have a clotting disorder. Scientists have not found them all yet. I am SO very thankful for a doctor who was willing to put puzzle pieces together and prescribe thinners, even though he does not have concrete evidence that clotting is my problem… Just a lot of red flags.
This is the short version of my story, and Natalie, I will let you decide if this is appropriate for such a sensitive post. My heart is to see women learning the cause of their ongoing miscarriage… and I think that the topic of using blood thinners is not known by many women… I hope that more women can start to research for themselves and bring this up with their doctors. The success rate is very high.
Oh, I’m really glad you shared this. I’ve learned TONS just from talking to other women who have gone through similar things. I think God uses the experiences of each other to help us figure out different things that we can do to possibly prevent future losses. So anyway, YES it is appropriate -and GOOD! I’m sorrowing with you for the past year and a half of your life. It sounds like you have been through the wringer – and now, here you are, waiting on pins and needles with another precious cargo on board. Heavenly Father, we pray together for the preservation of this life You are even now knitting together so lovingly and carefully. This life has an eternal destiny and purpose, and we thank you that Your purposes can NOT be thwarted. I pray that You would give this baby to his/her parents to enjoy, love, and raise for Your glory on this earth. This You CAN do if it is part of Your perfect plan. We ask for Your help and protection because You are our Abba Father – and You care. Who else can we go to? Who else is great like our God? You alone can spare this child’s life. Bring him/her to full term and safely deliver this baby into a life of joy in knowing Your Son, Jesus Christ. I ask these things in the Name of that Son, Amen.
Thank you for the beautiful prayer! I have wanted to write my entire life, but never dreamed of writing about miscarriage. Now I am very passionate about finding a way to encourage other women in two ways: To accept God’s comfort and peace during a season of loss, and to share my own story of a lesser-known reason for multiple losses. Hopefully someday down the road when I am done processing this a bit more, God will give me the opportunity to share with others.
Also, just a side note… There is a group making a documentary about miscarriage and infant loss. I am unsure of their worldview ( per the trailer) but so thankful that they are trying to get the message out that these are real losses. I think their site is The STILL project, and they can be found on you-tube.
Thank you for your care and concern of strangers on the internet. This is a fabulous site.