Today I read Self Harmers in the Church by Sharon Dickens, and I remembered my close brush with becoming a cutter just 18 months ago. I’m not super excited to share this with you. It’s something I’d like to pretend I never thought about. But my experience gave me some personal insights into this subject, and if there’s a chance it could help someone else, then I want to share it.
Eighteen months ago I was in the midst of crying out for help to anyone who might listen regarding my destructive marriage. I had been asking for help off and on over the course of 23 years with no luck. Whenever I dared to stick my neck out and describe my confusion and frustration, the answer was always the same. “It takes two to tango. You’re a sinner too. Work on your own stuff. Respect your husband. Submit. Christ suffered, so rejoice in your sufferings. Be good. Shut up.”
Choppy chop went my neck on the block.
So I worked on my stuff. And I worked. And worked. And nothing changed in our relationship. No conflict was truly resolved, regardless of my efforts or how much I prayed or how much faith and perseverance I could muster up or how many times I could forgive. The only way forward was to take the blame and sweep it under the rug.
After several years I was beside myself with confusion. Surely this is not what the Bible taught about relationships? Surely there were more constructive and mutually satisfying ways to deal with conflict other than taking sole responsibility for everything that went wrong? After a few more years I wasn’t sure how I was going to get to the end of my life without ending up in a funny farm. And after a few MORE years, I decided I was done. Something had to give. The pain was now greater than the fear of bucking the system, and I decided to stop playing my own role in the sick cycle and see if things might shake down enough to bring about a healing change for both of us. (I just read a terrific article on this concept HERE.)
Of course I got the painful, but predictable kick back from Christians who “loved me too much to let me wiggle out of the personal hell designed for me by God.” There was betrayal. I had my own issues to work through at the same time I was setting boundaries. It was messy. And at one point when things were at their lowest, and it appeared nobody on planet earth gave a damn about me or my kids, I decided to start cutting notches in my thigh.
(Rabbit Trail: Christians are notoriously talented at showing compassion and forgiveness for abusive men and throwing anyone under the bus who stands up to say, “Um, I think I see a naked emperor.” Did anyone catch the most recent conversation on my Facebook page about the “Christian” pedophile who molested his infant son? You must stand in defense of the pedophile if you want to be a Loving and Forgiving Christian. Let’s never mind about the pesky children. They’re just the side story.)
I know shredding up my legs sounds dramatic and ridiculous and desperate. But here was my reasoning: the kind of abuse I was experiencing in my marriage was subtle. My husband wasn’t beating me or swearing at me or looking at porn or doing anything anyone could see on the outside. Only experienced, educated professional counselors (or those who had lived with it themselves and researched it) could see it and name it for what it was. Basically that was nobody in my life at the time other than a counselor who was coaching me and the authors of a dozen books I had been reading on the subject. (See below for a list.)
But what if, every time I was bleeding on the inside where nobody could see, I cut myself? I could take care of that kind of wound. I could wipe off the blood and apply antibiotic ointment and a band-aid. It would heal. IT WOULD HEAL. And I would have a scar. A scar to remind me of how it hurts like hell to be treated like a nothing. Maybe if I had hundreds of scars all over my legs – one for each unresolved conflict representing each time I was emotionally cut, I could visually prove to human beings (and myself) that I was a real person with real feelings, and my life meant something. I wasn’t a nobody who felt nothing; who could be treated like a non-person without consequence.
Because it wasn’t just my husband who couldn’t see me. It was every Nice Christian I had begged for help from. It was everyone I had dared to make myself vulnerable with. Everyone who approved of my being made into a nothing-person because I was only a woman. Only a wife. Worth something only for what I could give to a man or a church or a friend. (Another Rabbit Trail: theology that pounds into people that they are just worthless chunks of crap on the floor of the universe isn’t helpful. We are created by God in His image – and if He doesn’t view humans in a disparaging way, why do we?)
I realized with bitter sorrow why some girls might cut. Maybe they feel invisible and want to be seen. Maybe they want to be known. Maybe nobody is listening. And you know what? We can tell them until the cows come home that Jesus sees them and knows them, but if we aren’t being the hands and feet of Jesus in their lives, all that is – is worthless words that make no sense. I had a long term, deep, abiding relationship with Christ. But the fact is, God gave us one another for a reason. Blowing people off with “God loves you – He’s all you need. Be good and don’t be so selfish and needy. Gotta run…(James 2:16)” isn’t what He had in mind for relationships.
I didn’t cut myself. God mercifully intervened and sent a small (very, very small) entourage of real human beings who decided to invest the time, emotional energy, compassion, and practical assistance to demonstrate what God’s love is really all about. They listened and heard me without charging me for their time. They didn’t accuse me of lying or being a horrible failure of a wife because I was full of the pent up anger of over two decades and couldn’t take it anymore. Instead they loved me. They were Christ to me. And once I realized (I could hardly believe it after so many head-banging years) that somebody really cared and believed me, I began to rest. I was able to let go. I began the healing process. Those thousands and thousands of inner cuts began to heal. (If you want to read about how to TRULY help a person in any kind of abusive marriage, check out this article HERE.)
Incidentally, they also loved (and are loving) my husband enough to help him, too. Not coddle and enable him as so many Nice Christians had done for so many years.
I’m in a different place now. I’ve got inner scars, but they don’t hurt so much anymore when touched. I’ve got a long way to go, but boy, God has done a huge work in the past two years. When I’m tempted to despair of ever seeing closure or a great movement forward, I remind myself to look back at how much God has accomplished, and I have hope He will continue to do a good work.
Here is the list of books I read that helped me figure out and name the destructive dynamic in my marriage (many were recommended to me by a skilled counselor.)
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize is and How to Respond by Patricia Evans
A Cry for Justice: How the Evil of Domestic Abuse Hides in Your Church by Anna Wood and Jeff Crippen
Whose Pushing Your Buttons: Handling the Difficult People in Your Life by Dr. John Townsend
Foolproofing Your Life: How to Deal Effectively with the Impossible People in Your Life by Jan Silvious
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George Simon
People of the Lie by Scott Peck
Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of Our Age by George Simon
The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us by Ross Rosenberg
Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
I read many, many more. But these are the most helpful ones – and ones I read more than once and recommend over and over.
Question: What is your experience with self-harm? Have you ever struggled with it yourself? Do you have a friend or loved one who self-harms? I’d love to hear your stories. Please Note: Destructive comments left by Nice Christians or Trolls will become fodder for future blog posts. Well, no. I actually have no patience for Trolls. But Nice Christians – watch out. I’m not as Nice as you are, and this is my sandbox. You can leave a comment by clicking here.
Natalie, Thank you for sharing your heart. I’ve never went as far as wanting to ‘cut’; but the lack of empathy from the ‘c’hurch and others had me in a deep despair that had me questioning my walk as a Christian. (I did ask Him to ‘take me now’) I kept questioning God as to where I was going wrong? Why aren’t others believing me? After all, they complimented me on my homeschooling and help within the church? NOW, I was and still am feeling like an ‘outcast’, thus I left organized gatherings a long time ago. I’ve tried to re-enter several times but feel even more misunderstood … I have very few friends and family that support me and ‘he’ knows it. With the adult children favouring him and the support of his family and his friends; viewing him as being just a nice ‘quiet guy’; there is nothing I can say to dissuade them.
I don’t want to ramble but wanted to comment so I can stay connected to this thread and what others share.
Your list of resources is the same as mine. I haven’t been able to purchase or have the time to read all of them but many have been helping me out of the fog. I am very tired and frustrated with myself and it seems to be taking a long time to move forward.
I feel a sense of caution as I turn to the Lord for strength. No, hasty decisions, just rest as best I can “in Him” and carry on.
I’m so sorry you have been loved well by so few people. You are a precious daughter of God, and He sees you. One day all things hidden will come to light. Thank you for sharing a little of your sorrow here. ((Hugs.))
I will be interested to hear the comments. My oldest daughter is/has been a cutter. I have struggled to understand the entire mindset, but your description of being able to take care of a wound that you can see helps immensely. I don’t know if she is done with cutting, but it’s on a hiatus for now. Unfortunately, it’s her go to thing when she gets really stressed by the consequences that catch up to her when she makes bad and/or sinful choices. Thanks for your honesty.
I’m sure there are different motivations for cutting, and I don’t want to confuse things for anyone. I will pray God gives you wisdom to navigate this issue with your daughter. It’s painful to watch a child struggle – and not understand or be able to figure out how to help.
Thank you Natalie for your honesty.
It made me want to help.
I read it and thought it is so sad that women can not go to people who call themselves Christians and get the love and help they need.
And it made me pray to be able to help someone, who right now is calling out to God for that help.
Thank you for the reminder we need to be Christ to others – and remembering who Christ is, not what the world expects, or an unloving church dictates.
Thank you for this extremely heartfelt, personal story, Natalie. It is a very timely article for my family, as our middle daughter is currently in treatment for anorexia/bulimia & self-harming behaviors. It was by the grace of God that we discovered her secret behaviors, as we have been trying to put weight on her, literally since the day we adopted her, at 12 months of age. She was always on the quieter side and internalized most of her feelings. As you know, her sister got a lot of (negative) attention when she was struggling with RAD issues, and I suppose, although not consciously, our middle child faded more & more into the background, throughout her sister’s period of crisis. The experts tell us that self-harm & eating disorders often go hand in hand. At this point, she’s told her counselor that she believes she’s ‘grown out of it’ and has finally figured out that, in no way, is it helping her, and her problems are still there after she commits the act. She completes inpatient treatment, as of Thursday, and she will then be participating in a step-down Intensive Day Program, (IDP). Apparently, 25-30% of the residents, in the particular program she is in, are readmitted for relapse. We’ll be taking it day by day and continue to pray that The Lord has healed our daughter totally and completely, and that He continues to generously pour out His grace, mercy, and healing onto our family. Again, thank you for sharing your story, Natalie.
I’m so sorry. You’ve had to walk a long, painful road with your kids.
Thanks for this, Natalie. I’ve had similar experiences. When things reached their lowest point a couple of years ago, I would drag a pointy object over and over my arm, not enough to break the skin, but enough to leave a mark. I found it helped me to feel better to face the emotionally/financially abusive man I am married to. Although I haven’t done it for a while, I’m still struggling and still in the marriage. I wish the best for you on your journey.
And I for yours. There are no easy answers right now. I sometimes think if divorce were normalized for abuse, more women and children would be set free – and fewer men would abuse in the first place. Seems to line straight up with the heart of God and Scripture. But currently that is not the popular opinion among many Christians. I pray that God directs your steps and gives you peace along the way.
Nothing amazing to say just how again I appreciate your experience and wisdom. I learn so much reading your blog and pray I can be a friend to women hurting so much.
That makes me happy.
Thank you for sharing. The part I identify with, that I experienced, is being married to a ‘control freak’ – only I didn’t realize it until after I escaped, which wouldn’t have happened if it hadn’t been for discovering the double life he was leading. That was followed by 13 years of being a single parent to four children, and now 11 years of being happily married to the most wonderful man in the world. (His love for me has helped me to understand better the love that God has for me.) But I still remember how it was in first marriage – trying to bring up something that needed to be talked about, only to have it twisted into everything being my fault, with the whole thing ending in my apologizing. SO glad for deliverance from that time, and thankful for experiencing God’s love from those He has surrounded me with at this time.
I love hearing stories of God’s provision in these circumstances. Thank you for sharing it – very encouraging!
Thank you for sharing honestly Natalie. Were you at church yesterday and did you hear Pastor Jason’s comments on cutting? Maybe that is what prompted this?
I love you.
I wasn’t there yesterday, but someone told me about his sermon yesterday afternoon. I actually wrote this last week. God’s timing is interesting. I plan to listen to his sermon when it becomes available. I love you, too. Thank you for being one of the few…
I hope the recorded one has it – that is all you see online, but he was live South. Very powerful. I am loving this series on the Psalms of lament!
The few….the proud….the DART????
Amen. Lol.
I was 19, married just 2 weeks, having just finished a honeymoon, driving cross country with my new husband and his 2 best friends, & moving into an apartment at a Christian college we were attending together. And I found myself hiding in the corner of the walk in closet of our studio apartment, swaddled in clothes, trying to muffle my sobs. The confusion, pain, feeling of stuckness was so great… That in my silent hysteria I found myself digging my nails into the fleshy underside of my wrists. I wanted to scream, but instead I clenched my fists around my wrists and squeezed. This became a habit of sorts for the next few years, it’s frequency dependent on how often the ‘crazy train’ showed up. And as a good Christian wife I felt it was my role to jump on board and ride it out with the man I loved and (tried to) trust. It wasn’t until 20 years later when I got to the place you so eloquently describe… of reaching the end of myself, when the pain became greater than the fear of bucking the system… That I started reading, and surrounding myself with a few good people, and I realized that those episodes in the closet were equivalent to the now-a-days cutting. I get it. The sham of a ‘Christian’s marriage, the abandonment of the church, the fight to break free. Thank you for this raw writing. May it bring validation, revelation, & freedom to many!
P.S. would you mind if I reposted this on my blog page? It is so good!!!
An excerpt with a link to the full article – yes. Thank you, Joy.
I read psalms and proverbs from dollar store bible daily. 5-psalm, 1 proverb daily. as if by healing power, I get strength from these words. I make this a priority to even physical exersize. NO BAD THOUGHTS creep into my mind! I feel terrible for the girls in public school who are crying out for spiritual truth and people constantly mislead them…saying love self…and ignore jesus… choose sexual impurity….ummmmm no woman can ever really love herself properly and carefully…. she need christ….. education is good but without meditation on truth…. self-harm can creep in like a plague. Also meditate on other verses too this helps. Each person will be different but without truth, life is more struggle and creepy thoughts… I do not feel the need to be ‘member’ at a church for spiritual growth only contribute to potluck . accept those who do not believe the same truths and cut off offensive relatives and wicked people who cause anger…political burdens…
I have cut and hit myself with a hammer before, I am a Christian who struggles with mental illness resulting from childhood sexual abuse and rape as an adult. I know my friends tried to “fix” me but only God and some good medication helped. I also struggle with an eating disorder. It’s hard to be real as cutters in the bible where idolitors so what did that make me? I hurt myself to feel alive to punish myself for the stupid things I did. Cuz I wasn’t good at forgiveness. It’s a daily process, forgiveness, and God is working it out with me. I wish the church was more loving, my husband and I have been at a new church for almost a year now and I’m working at being real but I’ve been burned so many times in the past that trust is hard for me. I have a good therapist and I haven’t cut in a year but the eating disorder is another story. Ladies and men it’s so physically destructive I prolapesed my uterus from throwing up and had to get a hysterectomy. I know it can kill me so I’m trying to take my cares to God but it’s hard. Just being real here and it feels good, if you want to bash me for being a weak Christian go ahead I love my God and He loves me, in that I’m secure!
Amen. There have been several well-known Christians, like William Cowper, who struggled with mental illness – and yet they contributed to the Christian church. I found this article in Christianity Today that addresses the issue of mental illness and the church: http://www.christianitytoday.com/edstetzer/2013/april/mental-illness-and-church-some-helpful-honesty-from.html
You are loved FOR SURE. And it sounds like you are doing everything you can to get support – and leaning into God with the rest. Life is a struggle, and there will be release and freedom in eternity. ((Hugs))
Thank you for being brave enough to speak up! I have had times where I have been tempted to cut. I’m so glad you finally had people rally around you and support you. I’ve had the same Christian responses with dealing with depression and even sexual abuse from my childhood. Such hypocrisy. And they don’t see it. Thank you for reminding us that we ARE to be the helpers when others ask for it!
Thank you for reaching out.
Thanks you, it was freeing to share. Thanks for the article you posted I enjoyed it…
Natalie,
You have really opened the door for others to bare their souls. I first became acquainted with you via a comment you made on the A CRY FOR JUSTICE blog. (ACFJ is well aware of us being neglected by ‘the church’) So many of the comments on this thread are sharing how the church and many professing ‘c’hristians are not there for them.
Even though I am still in the midst of my own pain I can’t help but hurt for those who have shared their experiences.
I have a friend who has taken in foster children, many of them teenage girls. She said it is sad and ‘going to church’ alone is not the answer. These girls struggle greatly and some have been ‘cutters’. Only the Lord can truly heal the pain, however, He has commanded us to reach out and love ‘the one anothers’.
Wish I could reach out to all of you right now and extend a sincere, loving, Christ-honoring ((hug)).
Yes!!!
God delivered me from a living Hell marriage. I endured it because I never could see clearly enough to stop enduring it and because i couldn’t stand the thought of my son having to be around his Dad without me to protect him. I look back now and see how blind I was and I am thankful to be delivered but I know now it could have been better and over sooner….God Bless you and keep you safe and strong…
Praise God. Thank you for connecting.
I am always amazed at how transparent and vulnerable you are. I wish I had your courage.
When I was 14, I was going through a hard time. I was feeling invisible, my parents were having issues and were too busy to notice my own. One day, I began hitting my arm on furniture and walls. Came to my Mom, later in the day, saying I had fallen and thought my arm was broken. It was covered in bruises. She didn’t think anything of it. Took me to the doctor, we had it x-rayed and put in a cast.
A few months later, I attempted suicide. That finally got their attention and we all ended up in family counseling. It did not help.
Years later, Jesus found me. I remember the year before He rescued me, I did the hitting my arm again episode. I was in such pain and no one was listening: I had just had an abortion and felt lonely, guilty and just had to punish myself.
I find it really scary what our minds can do to ourselves sometimes. The lies we tell ourselves. It’s pretty crazy this world. :/ Thanks for sharing.
You do have God-given courage. You just told a part of your hard story – that’s courage. You survived. That’s courage. Thank you Jesus for saving Tereza.
Thanks for sharing . As a teenager I used to self harm. My parents had a terrible marriage where there was unfaithfulness & abuse. Whilst outside of the home, we looked like the perfect family. Us children felt neglected, unloved and unheard. Self harm was my way of being able to make my emotional pain into physical pain which was so much easier to deal with. As you said, it heals so much faster! By God’s grace I no longer need to do this, but if I’m honest, sometimes I miss it!
I’m so sorry you’ve had so much pain in your life – and glad you have found grace to heal. I pray you will continue to experience God’s healing in a deep, profound, and complete way in your life. Thank you for connecting here, Kathryn.
When I first read this I knew I had to comment but had to take time with it. Your words and testimony are very healing to me – Thank you.
I completely understand why people harm themselves for this reason. I remember digging my fingernails into my arm as early as middle school. For me, it was to feel something, anything, to prove that I do exist and that I was human. Anything more was too overwhelming. While it stopped in high school there have still been many times in my life where I’ve wanted to do it again.
I’m currently in a separation where I have called out my husband on his behavior. And while I haven’t gotten obvious pushback, my own mind and heart are fighting me “How dare you! How dare you stop ‘loving’ and ‘covering’ for him! What type of wife do you think you are? How dare you say you love him when you won’t ‘cover’ his faults!”
Whereas I have spent most of my marriage trying to save and cover for him, trying to be honest and build a loving respectful marriage, to only be betrayed…I’m supposed to sit in silence and put up with continued pain and mistreatment. That’s the “right” way.
It is a lonely painful road to walk sometimes. I have just discovered Leslie Vernick and the Boundaries book has become a daily companion.
Thank you Natalie. Thank you for being honest about what is true and real for you.
I’m gratified to know that this has helped you. Isn’t Leslie amazing? I love reading her posts each week and have learned so much from her. I recommend her to everyone I know who is experiencing debilitating emotional pain in their marriages. You are not alone. I pray you will continue to heal and grow as you stand up for truth in your own home.
I just found your blog in a link on “To Love Honor and Vacuum.” Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story. I wish that women were more supported to do this because I know there are many hurting women in the “church.”I am and have struggled with cutting for over half my life. It began as a lonely teenager who grew up in a verbally abusive and controlling home. Fast forward 10 years to my own marriage where my husband discovered this painful habit after he told me of his addiction to pornography. I was pregnant at the time and hit my rock bottom and I cried out to the Lord. This was not the life I wanted my son to grow up in. I was diagnosed with a mental ilness and began intensive counseling. Thankfully I’ve had at least two “others” in my life including my husband. We have each sought counseling and treatment and by the grace of God, our marriage has slowly been improving. I hope that I too can be the hands and feet of Christ to someone who is hurting like this.
Thank you for being vulnerable here and sharing a piece of your story, Lindsey. I thank God for His intervention in your life.
Oh, yes. I have struggled with self-injury. I would pull out my hair by the roots when I was struggling with depression or anxiety. For me, the fairly minor pain would cause a temporary release from the much worse mental pain.
Hi Natalie,
It is time to come clean, you are an inspiration and God has used you to finally prompt me into action, to share part of my journey of healing, which is a journey I am still on, even though I can see the horizon most hours of most days as of late. Praise be to Jesus Christ, my Redeemer who sanctifies me.
The work in progress, who is I,
started to re-self-injure 3 years ago…after having, not done so for over 18 years, after a romantic relationship breakdown and eventual break-up that lasted that long, after having been a born again Christian for that long…
I cut etc., I hit, I strangled myself, I attempted suicide thrice (nevermore since 25 May this year, a very significant date) and even today I am still dealing with the effects of what, thank God is now only the remnant of eating disorder(s).
Oh yes, I am also a mental health professional. In the natural, I expect retaliation from finally sharing part of my story, but by the Holy Spirit, my Comforter I am and will be well.
Thank you for your openness, you are a blessing.
Sincerely
SueZ.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing part of your story. That takes huge courage, especially when you work in the field and people expect you to be all “fixed.” The reality is that we are all works in progress, and that progress ebbs and flows. I’m so sorry that the pain in your life has brought you to such dark places inside. I pray that sharing it and being open truly will be part of your healing process, and that God will use it to give hope to yourself and others. ((Hugs))
Thank you for your beautiful vulnerability, Natalie. I am so grateful for the healing of the tiny cuts inside. I understand that word picture. You are known, believed, loved and treasured. Hugs.
Thank you, Megan.