We’re wrapping up Domestic Violence Awareness month, and this book is an appropriate recommendation for all of us, but especially for Christian women who think they may be in a destructive marriage or who know someone in a destructive marriage. Believe it or not, one out of every four Christian women you know lives in this hidden hell. The “hidden” part is what makes it hard to believe. Isn’t that just like Satan though? Undercover creep hiding his fangs and claws under a good looking, nice guy exterior. Fooling everyone who doesn’t live up close and personal with him. Accusing and blaming. Sound familiar?

The Kindle version is on sale right now for only $3.99. Here is an excerpt from the introduction (emphasis mine):

Of course the heartbreaking truth is that violence within the Christian community is as prevalent as it is without … and possibly worse because Christian women notoriously under-report. Countless women, women who have been loved, made righteous, forgiven and welcomed by Christ, are trapped in hate-filled marriages where their souls are systematically bludgeoned with Satan’s lies about their worthlessness and where their bodies are systematically battered by the hands and arms of someone who has promised to love and protect them. This is a great evil and their Husband, the Lord of Heaven and Earth, is storing up deep wrath for those who would treat his Bride in this way, and for a church who would turn her back on these, the weakest among us.

This terrible evil has been exacerbated by a false and injurious overemphasis on gender roles, in particular, the roles of wives who are called to“submit” to their husbands (even in sin) and to try to win them with their “gentle and quiet spirit”… as if that meant they are to submit themselves to being sinned against without breathing a word of it to anyone. Quietness about domestic violence is not the message that Peter was communicating in this passage. His message was rather a message of hope, that the wife of a disobedient man had other means at her disposal to win him … that she didn’t need to rely on her words alone.

The truth is that the most loving action an abused woman can take is to seek, in whatever way possible, to bring conviction of sin to her husband, that he might repent and not face the wrath of her Heavenly Husband who will certainly bring His hand of discipline down to protect her. This false and damning teaching has consigned thousands of our Christian sisters and their children to life in a virtual solitary confinement, to a life that frequently ends in a violent death.

The truth is that every nine seconds a woman in the United States is assaulted or beaten. “It is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings and rapes combined.”1 Homicide is among the leading causes of death for women in the African-American community. “Around the world at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family.”2 And in most cases women are unable or unwilling to report because they are ashamed, afraid, or misinformed. Some Christian women have been wrongly taught that their primary goal in life is to protect their husband’s reputation and standing in the church so that he is “praised in the gates.” This great blight on the name of Christ and our churches is further perpetrated by an enemy who has hated women and sought to damage them from the very beginning of time. This terrible evil isn’t confined only to ghettos or among those who are ignorant or unchurched. In fact, while I was reading the Holcombs’ wonderful manuscript, I had to ask if I could send it on to a pastor friend who was counseling a good friend of mine who is in a deeply abusive marriage and who needed his help getting free. The truth is that we all need the wise and biblical training presented here so that the noxious misogynistic miasma that has infiltrated our churches in the name of gender roles and “submission” can be replaced by the fresh air of the gospel: a gospel that honors the dignity and value of women and children and that stands in the gap to protect those who are the “least of these” among us.

Read this book. Give it to your pastors and staff and encourage them to send a strong message to the men and women in their congregation: Abuse and violence needs to be reported and will be taken seriously by the church. Women will not be blamed, shamed, ostracized, or excommunicated for reporting; they will be protected. It is my hope that this book, written by a husband and wife who have taken up the God-given mantle of protecting women and children, will give you the courage and the boldness to protect the women and children among you … and if you dare, to step into the gap and call abusers and batterers to repent—for the sake of their own souls.

ELYSE M. FITZPATRICK, counselor, author, speaker

Holcomb, Lindsey A.; Justin S. Holcomb (2014-05-01). Is It My Fault?: Hope and Healing for Those Suffering Domestic Violence. (Kindle Locations 156-163). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.

If you got to the end of this and you’re thinking, “I feel like I can relate to this, and I think I need this book, but my husband doesn’t beat me or physically threaten to hurt me. Maybe my situation doesn’t count?” Your situation counts. Emotional abuse is always part of physical abuse, but it can stand alone too. And emotional abuse is far more difficult and time consuming to extricate yourself from and ultimately heal from. See my About page for more recommendations of resources that have the potential to change your life for the better.